MUSIC AND THE BUSINESS OF MAKING IT

GOOGLE THE NEW STASI

2007-05-31T02:08:00.001-07:00

Right. thats it - I am off for good now.

I heard yesterday that Google is launching a whole load of new stuff that is deisigned to make life better.

One of these things is the ability to walk a virtual street in any major city in real time. Right now it's Denver and Vegas - soon it will be your house on that screen.

I don't often worry about security and all that kind of stuff. If you are bad you are bad and should worry about it - right? But this is fucking terrible!

I'll say that again.. FUCKING TERRIBLE!

This is what Stalin did.

Do you seriously think that Google is going to be the big philantropist forever? Like hell it will. It will be just like every other multi-headed hydra that ruins peoples lives.

Get this - Google will track your searches and report on them - but who to?
It will allow us all to look at every street in every city in the world.
It will be the ultimate big brother and you will get fucked over by it because you are active on the web, you are honest and you are not trying to be subversive.

I bet you the criminals will figure out how to get around it so who will the authorities clobber with the big google hammer.... US THAT'S WHO!

Now I know this is impossible but will someone tell me a search engine that works well and that I can fix into firefox because I want out of the google experiment. I want out now and I suggest you do too before that search for horse blankets turns into a charge for beastiality and you do 5 years inside!

Pissed Off Housewife: 250 Posts to Tell You Why I'm Pissed

2007-05-31T02:08:00.000-07:00

Pissed Off Housewife: 250 Posts to Tell You Why I'm Pissed

मोवे on

2007-05-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

http://baria.vox.com/

Hey there popsters

I have been getting all sorts of hassle with blogger recently and so I have decided to move the blog to that address.

Please come and join me

It is much prettier and I can post better stuff.

later

Euge

Birdy Num Num

2007-05-15T03:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I had dinner with Roz from Women in Docs.

Good food, no wine, fine company at a Viet noshery in the West End. All in all much more convivial that a a subway "sandwich" (is that what you call food in America? Really?) in a mall in Wisconsin.

So we talked and ate well and the best thing about it was that she is a talented musician and...AND .. she understands that winning or losing in the music business is not about being a prima donna. It is about simple hard work. It was an absolute joy not to have to explain every little thing about the latest release and what we were going to do. I actually felt like I was talking to a friend and not just the "talent".

I think thats why most labels think of the acts as enemies and bands hate their labels. We both expect miracles and when they aren't delivered it is as if God just condemned you to hell.

So dear reader please remember that the guy on the other side of the table may be a bastard or he may be a saint but whoever he is you chose to join him and you should have the balls to take on some of the responsibility. It is not a one way relationship.

Eat right.

id

2007-05-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

Oi!

One of the things about getting older is that you never think twice about being bad. Either you are or you aren't. It's a choice you have already made when you were about 15 and it is not going to change.

There are some people though who seem to think that a piece of plastic and picture are somehow going to alter your DNA.

Take last week.

I was at a big festival On Caxton Street where AS WE ARE were playing a set and so were Intercooler. Bloody excellent. Just in country, sunshine, mates and beer. Nothing better.

So in the midst of 30 000 revellers I made my way to a beer stall - the place is hopping like 6th St Austin during sxsw or Glastonbury 10 years ago. All good.

The girl at the tent tells me I can't buy beer without a wrist band. Okay. So go to the white tent inthe middle of the street and they will give me one.

Off I go. After a few minutes of doing that weird little dance that we all do in crowds - you know the one - turn side on - put your arm between people - bend knees, slidddddeeeee, stand, shuffle and repeat- I got to the tent which was manned by a youth with knock knees and a severe case of superioritis.

" have you got any ID" says Spotty Herbert

"I have got my credit cards but I didn't bring my passport, No."

"Can't give you a band then."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Whats your date of birth?

"My what? " I nearly pissed my pants laughing. Nobody has asked me that in 10 years.

"I would tell you that but you wouldn't believe me."I said. "Don't these flecks of grey in my hair give the game away?"

"What is your date of birth?"

I told him and he looked at me with disbelief ; " I look this young because I have spent the past 20 years pickling myself from the inside. "

"No one was born then: he said - absolutley seriously. Now you know why he was in the tent instead of at the party.

"Listen snot nose. I was born before your dada and I am still alive and well. Now give me the fucking band and let me get a beer!"

Thats when a nice copper came up and put the band on my wrist.

"Bloody idiot!" she said to me with a smile.

Thats when you know you made the right choice all those years ago and ID cards are just an excuse to rort more money out of us so that imbecilic youths can get a job.

Suffice to say I got really pissed, started 5 fights and robbed a liquor store on the way home where I beat my wife and shot the dog.

A good night out all round.

थे करसे ऑफ़ फॉरेन Holidays

2007-05-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Aloha,

as I wend my way around the globe I often meet people who say that it is a really glamorous life. "jet setter" they say and smile knowingly to themselves.

The smile tells me a great deal about what that person has experienced in their lives.

If it has a painful tinge to it I know that person has been to places far and wide and has truly experienced life. On the other hand if their eyes light up and they grin like a cheshire cat as they secretly contemplate the debauchery that they consider inevitably part of global exploration I know that they have never been further than the back yard.

Forgive me if that sounds cynical but invariably that synopsis is accurate. You see one of the deep joys of travel is to experience new things; foods, people, cultures, smells, rip-offs and all manner of human life. However one of the deep frustrations is that unless you are truly familiar with the place you are visiting you will never have a clue what is going on.

Of course there are always friendly guides who will describe how Hannibal marched his elephants over yon hill or how in 1956 the President was victorious in his campaign to oust the corrupt regime of the American lick spittle who came before him but that is about as much use as eating coal if you are constipated. The truth is you will never get to grips with what makes a country tick until you give over a significant portion of your life to it.

So it is that I sit here in Australia - my adopted home - on a dreary Sunday and wonder how the hell I got it so wrong this time.

Today is Mothering Sunday here and last week (a week later than the rest of the planet) was labour day and I have been waiting for both these "holidays" to pass before I can get on with my life.

I have had worse: I once went to Chile with my wife. The journey of a lifetime. It certainly was!

I mean, it is not as if Chile is on the way to anywhere is it? You really have to want to go there to get there. If you went any further you would fall off the world or go swimming in Antarctica and neither of those options are specially appealing to me.

So we traveled across the great Pacific ocean and stopped half way - after 10 hours from New Zealand no less - on Easter Island. What a place! Remote does not describe it. Another 8 hours and we arrived in Santiago.

The excitement rose in me. What adventures lay in this great sliver of a country? The only country on earth where the revolutionaries coined a battle chant "There can be no revolution without song" (No ai revolucion sin canson - or something like that). This was the home of Allende and all that amazing story telling and best of all it was where the infamous BERNARDO O'Higgins made his mark. A half black - half Irish revolutionary with a fantastically mongrel name. He had to be a great bloke to have a beer with. I was so enamoured with Chile that I even named my dog after O'Higgins. Finally we were here and I was ready to explore.

We had a plan to go to the Atacama desert and roam through the plains and valleys, mountains and fjords for weeks. All ready and raring to go!

So we check in and after a pleasant interlude off we went to the Zona Rosa. Streets filled with life and love, colour and cacophany. There were mariachi on every corner and all the people were dressed to the nines. I was in heaven.

There. Across the street, a restaurant. Excellent. Just the thing to get us ready for a true Chilean experience. We ordered Gambas and wine and tucked into to our well earned dinner. All was well in the world until 30 minutes in the waiter came over and asked if we would pay the bill please because they were closing.

CLOSING? Oh well, there were millions of other places to go and we were just getting started. It was only 9pm after all. So we paid the bill and wandered off arm in arm through the the streets of Santiago. More and more people - a real buzz of excitement. THIS PLACE IS AMAZING!

So we go to a bar - "Sorry Senor we are closed."

?

Try another bar

same again.

?

What's going on?

"Ah, Senor, there is a Presidential election and we must close so that there are no more riots like in the old days."

OH CRAP!

Well, you guessed it. In 40 minutes the entire city was dark. Not a soul about except for the guys who worked at MacDonalds and a few political activists tooting horns and waving flags, (YANQUI PIG CAPITALISTS have a dispensation to sell their crap apparently).

So that was it. back to the hotel. Except the Hotel was closed and we had to jump over the locked gates and buzz the concierge to get into our room.

This was a country in lockdown. Jesus! We had just come to visit a real life Graham Greene novel, except this time there were no vacuum blueprints to sell and we had no inside track with the espionage rings. We were alone in a foreign land with nothing but Big Macs for company.

To say we were disappointed is an understatement. Gutted from Brisbane and wife. Big fish have bigger guts and ours were spilled all over the pavements of Chile.

The lock down went on for days.

We tried. Believe me we tried. We walked about 10kms each way to the Bernardo O'Higgins parc only to find it was a dry and desolate field where only the homeless and horny visited. We roamed the beautiful streets for days with no one to meet and nothing to do. It was like that Charlton Heston movie where he is the last man alive and everyone else is a zombie.

We even managed to book ourselves onto a Cultural excursion around the city. Our marvellous guide and his driver were excellent but we were the only ones on the tour on a 50 seater bus. It seems like everyone else had got the message. At the end of the tour there is a big dinner and dance show where the tables are set for hundreds of merry makers to dance traditional dances and drink local wines and generally have a great time in the company of other follish travellers. On the night we went we were joined by 5 rather bemused Koreans and a Russian who was trying to sell paper making machinery. The five hour excursion was over and done with in about 2 hours.

Which reminds me - why is it that you take an hour to eat dinner with friends and 4 minutes alone?

BY day 5 we had had enough and made our way to airline office.

"Get us out of here please"

"Certainly sir. We were wondering if you would leave or stay. Only the Embassy staff are here at present. Most everyone else has gone to Argentina." said the wily airline rep.

Would you like to go to Buenos Aires for a few days? I can arrange a nice hotel but they are having some economic problems now so the taxi's aren't running to the Airport. Perhaps you would like a limosine?"

"Nah. Fuck that. Get us home asap!"

And so we left the next day.

A dream of discovery destroyed by the vagiaries of national holidays and blind expectation of perpetual motion in every country but the one you live in had managed to comprehensively destroy our plans.

This is just one story. There are many more and everyone who travels will tell you about the day that a certain country was shut. It has happened to me in Spain, El Salvador, Australia, New Zealand, Wales, America, France (which closes for the whole of August), and many more.

So perhaps now you have an incling of why I am cynical and why travel broadens the mind and expands time to fill whatever voids have been left by local traditions and cultures.

It is not glamourous. It is generally fucking boring and I wish I had a playstation or something.

via condios muchacho's

लोस्त opportunity

2007-05-10T04:57:00.000-07:00

Ah my minnions at last we hear the news the kingdom has been waiting for: Tony Blair has given a date for departure!

I am both heartened and saddened by the announcement.

You see I have been a member of the Labour party in the UK since I was a student and Maggie Thatcher was king.

The awful reality of being in politics is that it is almost unheard of for a top politico to leave with the good wishes of the people.

There are of course some like Harold Wilson and that Aussie guy who went missing who leave a bereaved public but normally it ends in tears and Blairs departure is no exception.

Before he was elected we of the Labour old guard had a lot to cheer about. The Tories were in disarray and although we missed John Smith there was always the hope of the new. So with girded loins and renewed vigour we went out on the stump and battered on doors with gusto.

I remember knocking on a door in Islington and being chased away by a guy in a towel who was sworn member of the fascist BNP. He hated me and if he hadn't been in danger of revealing his miniscule manhood I think he may well have caused me some serious damage but that was small fry when placed under the microscope of the body politic. Small and rather wrinkled as I recall.

Anyway, on the night of the election in '97 I was a member of the Socialist Republic of Islingtons General council - which is not as good as being int he old Soviet politbureau but it has a nice ring to it. As we Red brothers sat watching the results unfold every seat won was cheered with abandon. We could not believe it - after 18 years we were going to win!

Then one momentous moment occurred: A guy who was well disliked withinn the ranks for being a pompous prig of man with no more right to be in the socialist movement than Himmler and who had plagued the Islington meetings for years - Mr Stephen Twigg - was elected; against all the odds, to replace Michael "I am not really totally gay" Portillo.

Rapture!

We had won and got rid of the pompous ass all at once, Brilliant!

So a crowd of us ran out and jumped in cabs and went to Westminster only to be greeted by deathly silence.

After a short discussion there were two options. Gloat or Gloat. I chose to gloat. the question was where - either at that overblown farce of a party at Millbank or outside the central office of the defeated Tories.

I chose the latter and so off I went - alone to heckle - jeer and release a lifetimes worth of frustrations on the poor tory boys inside.

I raged all night until John Major arrived at which point I exploded in uncontrolled abuse of all that is holy and christian and generally right wing.

At this point a rather affected and, it has to be said large, tory worker came rushing from the building and grabbed me across the crash barriers

"What is your fucking Problem?" he screamed

"YOU ARE! ALWAYS HAVE BEEN ALWAYS WILL BE!" I replied - the best reply I have ever conjoured in a moment of stress it has to be said.

At that point a scuffle ensued and the police seperated us.

He was ushered to the Smith Square sanctum and I was marched towards a police van.

"SHUT UP." said the copper
"I won't I know my rights" says I

"Look shut up !" he said again and continued, "If you do I'll let you go."

"HUH?"

"Its the end of my shift and I can't be arsed nicking you and anyway I think you are right."

Stunned silence.

He made me wait on the back step of the van whilst Korean and Swiss TV interviewed me before gently nudging me off towards the tube.

"result" was his last word to me as I staggered off in a delirious state.

I knew at that moment that worlds could change and that anything in life was possible.

Now, 10 years later I see the opportunities Blair has wasted and I bitterly regret every one but please forgive me if I also feel a tiny twinge of regret that the passing of Blair as PM marks the passing of the hopes of an entire generation of us, We are now middle aged and small c conservative and worried about our mortgages.

It could have been so much better - and - for a moment it was.

BRISBANE ROCKS! But no one buys cd's any more

2007-05-10T00:16:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Well would you believe it?

Apparently Rolling Stone has said that Brisbane is one of the top 5 cities for new bands in the world!

Must be true then.

Bris-vegas as we locals (now living a billion miles away) like to call it has about 5 venues worth the name and about 10 million bands. It's really great to be here but hardly the cutting edge yet - or did I miss it?

Saying that, last week I was in Fortitude Valley at Rics when I came across one band that I think is excellent but being "hammered" at the time I have forgotten their name. The last time that happened the band was called THE GRATES and if you haven't see/heard them you should. Fantastic - just what music is all about.

What's really disappointing about the Rolling Stone piece is that because of it people like Peter Beattie ( the local state premier) are now on the "band wagon" pushing local acts overseas. It's a bloody shame that people won't listen for the sake of it and make up their own minds once they get past the age of 25. Some do. Most don't and it makes for sad and boring media.

The kids aren't buying cd's but they are buying live music and they know that the labels are all fucked. Radio and TV is going the same way and even the press has no influence on whats happening out there anymore - except when it comes to the dinosaurs thinking they are kool.

In simple terms it means that cd sales are falling off a cliff and the majors are totally fucked trying to figure it out.

Here is a snapshot for you to ponder:

in 2002 the sales of a single needed to be about 9000 to reach No1 in Australia (pop 19 million) and about 90 000 in the UK (pop 65 million). Today its about 9000 in UK and less than 3000 in Australia.

Now in the USA where diamond sales (over 10 million) were rare but Gold sales of over 1 million were like confetti the sales figures are even worse.

Avil Lavigne has sold about 280 000 - Timbaland is holding around 250 000 whilst old rock tossers like Nickelback are at 5 million. Modest Mouse - 250 000 - Snoop Dog did 9000 (thats all so far!! and he is banned from Aus for life so he is now officially a 2 time loser!) last and thankfully least - Good Charlotte - sales - bog all.

What that says to me is that the idea of new music being sold is an impossibilty. Only well known acts and repackaged music is selling and even then it's mostly through some weird outlets like garage's and shopping channels on TV.

We are at the end of an era. It is happening before your eyes and the only profitable entertainment is live and experiential - like fun fairs.

So if you are just getting into this business my advice is get yourselves set up as club promoters or fairground roustabouts. There is no point being the music junky anymore. You will end up like the sad kid on the end of the front row who prefers bartok to slipknot (like me!).

Now my little afficionados - rock off!!!!

the worlds smartest man

2007-05-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

the worlds smartest man said is should do this

I am not the worlds smartest man - although I have an IQ of 8004 so I agreed.

Thank you for the advice sire

you are indeed the worlds smartest man and whilst I too would like to be the worlds smartest man I am not.

Maybe this will make me closer to my ideal

yours

not, the worlds smartest man

HOW OUR FUTURE IS WRITTEN IN CODE

2007-05-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

Kia Ora,

Interest.

That's the key to everything.
Do you have any interest?

If you can't be bothered then there you haven't any interest.

If you have no money then you won't collect any interest.

The fascinating thing about the word is that you can only be interesting if you already have a interest of some form.

"WHAT THE HELL IS HE ON ABOUT NOW?" I hear you cry. Well , if you will indulge me I will explain.

Interest is a noun that can be used in many ways but in essence the value of it all boils down to the same thing. DOES ANYONE CARE?

If they do and they are prepared to use some of their limited heartbeats in pursuing the object of their desire then it is of interest and will by association accrue the same.

This is important because the more people care the more interest is generated and the more interest is generated the more people care. Got me?

It is called a positive feedback cycle and it is how everything develops and grows.

Mathematicians can work out feedback cycles and they can calculate the effect of changes in interest. What is really interesting (sorry) is that you can also measure that effect on the way you see yourself.

In terms of your life you can see that, if you are a person who has interest in the world around you, and in events that happen to others, your own value is increased. eg. The last person you want to see is the dullard who does nothing but watch TV and eat KFC right? But the guy who is a "jet setter" is intrinsically interesting because his life experience is something that you would like to have yourself.

That's why movie stars and pop singers are objects of fascination.

So what is more useless than a pop singer that never tours?
A chocolate fireguard perhaps?

Believe it or not Karl Marxs - yes he of the big beard and creation of communism - had this off pat - he called it the stupidity of the rural village. In other words, the less you knew the less you were able to know and therefore the less you were told.

Now if you take that idea forward and then look at how interest is seen in a financial market you can see that the same rules apply.

Every single one of us has an interest in interest rates.

Your house, your money, your job - they all depend on interest rates being set at a reasonable level for your country.

So what happens when things here get into a big mess?

This time the result is not just a fat, boring old fart sitting on a couch with nothing to say. This time it means that you loose your job and then your house and then your reason to live.

"BUT I CAN"T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT CAN I"

Well, believe it or not you can.

There are two ways:
First you get involved in politics and shape how other act and react and that in turn will affect the perceptions of bankers who set interest rates and suddenly you have made a difference.

Second you get busy and stop letting your country of birth or residence dictate who and what you are.

For example -
If you are born in Zimbabwe you currently live with 2500% inflation, starvation and a generally shit life.
OPTIONS: Leave, do nothing or change it.

You are born and live in the USA. The housing market has collapsed, your currency is falling and every other country hates you.
OPTIONS; Get involved and change it or do nothing or leave.

You are born in the UK, there are loads of jobs and lots of money about but you can't afford to buy a tiny apartment.
OPTIONS: see above.

Notice anything about this? Well, no matter where you are you have 3 options and only one of them means that you are going to come out of it a winner. GET INVOLVED AND CHANGE THINGS!

Leaving is nice option but unless you are already in a strong position you are going to be much worse off by emigrating. Countries that will take you are limited and generally a lot worse than your own. Would you emigrate to Zimbabwe?

So the way to better yourself and your life is to gather interest - both in your self and in others.

The code that you need to break is the code that has been instilled in you since birth. The code of conduct.

If you can't break that code you will never make a change and your future will be pre-ordained. From Cradle to Grave you will fit into little boxes made up by an actuary somewhere.

You will have spend 70 years taking up space and achieving bog all.

Don't do it.

Make a change.
Crack the code.

wet

2007-05-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

Bom Dia,
welcome to the Bush Tucker Trials,

from down here. I know that should be G'day but that's far too obvious.

I am delighted to be back in the sun burnt country that claims itself to be the Lucky Country.

In many way it is.

Sunburnt that is.
In others it is extra ordinarily lucky:
Space, resources, food, mullet haircuts being in fashion for over 40 years, crap cars being cool, total obliviousness of how daft the life saver hats look, blonde girls with enormous breasts, the ability to say "look" before every sentence as if you know what you are talking about even if you haven't a clue - that kind of thing.

But I have come "home" to find that in one respect the luck has truly run out. The place is parched dry.

In the state that was until recently my home - Queensland - there are Level 5 water restrictions.
It is deadly serious. A matter of life and death.

Practically it means rationed 4 minute showers and no watering of anything other than your liver with quarts of XXXX lager. Strange then that the first night I was here a huge bowser was parked outside my flat and two guys (not the Blackburn Rovers footballer Tugais in case you made a mistake) were hosing down the plants in a rather feeble traffic island. ( I love government hypocrasy don't you?)

There is a ban of putting cigarette butts anywhere except a bin or it's an on the spot $150 fine. Smoking is banned almost everywhere and for this time of year temperatures are about 6-7 degrees hotter than usual.

In Canberra the Roo's are killing dogs again to stop them drinking the water in the lakes and even the biggest rivers are running dry.

The fifth biggest continent on Earth can't provide enough food for 19 million inhabitants. So they are importing it from China. That is really scary. It's as if the whole of Europe only had the population of Paris and London combined. The rest was desolate. NOW DO YOU GET IT?

Or if you are American imagine Wyoming everywhere but with no steers just snakes. The bad lands. Now what good are your fucking Chevrolets 67 small block's and your Hummers? Arnie was right!!

Last year when I was living here the council on the Gold Coast allowed some folks to wash their cars for the first time in 5 years but that seems like madness now. All the dams are empty and whilst no one prays openy for rain it won'r be long before they are waving sticks and jumping up and down like Sitting Bull on an ants nest.

It is Global Warming writ large and in living colour.
The colour is Red.
The colour of blood and the desert soil in the outback.
It's fucking scary.

UK was dry for 6 weeks before I left.
Singapore is supposed to be having a wet season but isn't.
Aus is as dry as a witches tit.

What the hell happened to all the rain?

Anyhow, I can't fix it. Even if I have contributed about a billion tonnes to CO2 during my travels. Its a shitty legacy we will leave for our kids.

So:

Advice number 1 Learn to sail or you will never go anywhere again when the oil runs out in 2050.

Advice number 2. Invest in property in rural Lancashire where it never stops raining.

3. Buy a shot gun and man traps to keep all the thirsty bankers oil barons and airline execs away.

4. Learn as much as you can about Aboriginal Aussies survival techniques - you will need them.

We all know about the Grub sucking and the boiled/baked/fried lizards and it has a universal reaction of YEAAACH but if this continues we will all be doing it. (I wonder if we really will need to drink our own piss before too long?)

When the cows die and your toilet runs dry you are going to be out there eating maggots and caterpillars too.

Don't laugh. This is serious!

Anyway, Today I woke - at a weird time as usual when traveling - and I am off to live the life of Nero and sample the delights of a Food and Wine festival on Caxton Street. Bands will be playing and nosh galore and we will all fiddle whilst Brisbane burns and I bet it will be fucking brilliant.

The day I arrived I went out for lunch and it ended up as a 12 hour bonanza of beer and chilli.
Lots of chat - catch up - business and we even saw a really good band from Cairns but I am buggered if I can remember their name. Cabaret or Blue something. Singer was Latvian I do remember that but after 10 hours and 10 pints of something in a green bottle you tend to forget.

I drink to forget what I have already forgotten which is shit 'cos I remember then. In vino veritas means that you end up embarrassed and hungover which is bad when trying to entice new artists to work with you.

So, there you have it. A day at the races - the race to extinction as it turns out - is neatly combined with a day at the pub.

Drink my friends drink! For tomorrow we die - but before that we have to eat worms again.

अमेरिकन Business

2007-05-01T02:59:00.002-07:00

Godan dayin keneri,

one of the things about being alone in a foreign land is that you suddenly find that you have hours of spare time that simply aren't available at home. So what do you do with all that life that suddenly lands in your lap with no commitments to fill it?

I guess that depends on what you are made of and what is pre-occupying you at the time.

For some it involves beer, fags and a canoodle in a dodgy bar filled with ex-pat oil workers and lady boys. For others there is the opportunity to go shopping with abandon. Then again there are the solitary types who hike mountains and masturbate frantically in the privacy of their sleeping bags. Yet again there are others who take the opportunity to go sight seeing and absorb some local culture.

This time for me it has been a voyage of discovery; a vertitable orgy of indulgence; I have finally read some new books.

However, it's not all good. As is often the case I picked up the tomes ta Heathrow in the Borders shop there and not being inclined to read Jeffrey "plagiarist" Archer I decided to try and fill in the gaps regarding doing business in the modern world.

As you may know there are a plethora of books that claim to teach you how to make millions or fix companies or manage networks or any of that other corporate crap when in fact they all have one thing in common: one idea expanded and reiterated ad infinitum.

It's kind of interesting that most of these books ignore what they purport to tell us. I mean how many Internet marketing books are there? Book - Internet...? Some dichotomy there I think.

Then there are the enticing quotes on the gate folds - "brilliant.. A masterpiece .. every CEO should read this book..." etc. All total bullshit. These little nuggets are the synopsis of a book and of an entire ideology. The ideology of instant gratification.

I want to tell you that they do not and will not work for you or your organisation. They are simply another pile of pulped paper that would be better used in art classes for 5 year olds.

Take for instance the last one I read - THE TIPPING POINT by Malcolm Gladwell. The bullet points on the cover say, " fascinating" twice, nay thrice! whilst the reality is that the entire thing is dedicated to trying to justify a spurious theory that fads are akin to epidemics. He has three new terms to pontificate about and an interminable analysis of Sesame Street and Blues Clues - I kid you not.

Now that may be fascinating and relevent to the makers of kids TV but it has not the slightest bearing on how anyone else does business - although he does try tp make Hush Puppies some kind of uber-brand.

So I guess what all that means is that most of the stuff you read is totally irrelevent and/or useless.

Sadly there are sufficient numbers of graduates in big companies who rely on these kinds of books so that they can impress their bosses with the new ideas. Unfortunately the bosses are too damn busy to read them for themselves so experience is subsumed in a wave of "modern" thinking which is 99% useless.

Which brings me on to the basis of this rant and that is that American / Western business practises are about to be dealt a body blow by the East.

In the past few days in Singapore I have read a lot of stuff about various markets that I have little knowledge of and I have to say that I am massively impressed with what I have come across.

Did you know for example that Singapore, The Philippines, Malaysia and India are all in the middle of huge property booms? Singapore has more than doubled in the past year alone.

Now there is a great deal of action by foreign companies here - Citibank - HSBC and so but there is an equal amount of action going the other way. Did you know that the ousted PM of thailand is trying to buy an English soccer club? Just like the Americans are doing? Perhaps that will be the battlefield where the lines are first drawn - America v Russia v Asia using African and S American troops. Sounds ominously like 1984 to me!

The difference I have seen on my many visits to Asia is that people here are ready and willing to learn about how we Westerners think whilst Westerners are almost all in the dark when it comes to figuring out what makes Asians tick. That is a legacy of empire and the unwavering belief that we are right.

We aren't. At least not always.

So the business school models that teach us all about profit and loss and corporate legacy and so on are going to have to change and change quickly. Much as Microsoft will loose out to Linux and ipods so will Citibank fall to the claws of an emerging and dynamic asian tiger where longterm planning take over from short term gain.

You can already see it in the UK where the richest man is Mr Mittal - an Indian, followed by 2 Brits and a Russian, and an Iraqi Jew and 2 more Indians. Pretty soon you will be amazed to find that 7-11 in downtown Montana now sells shells made in Amritzar, beef jerky from Phnom Phen and the latest Chinese chart hits for download on your Tawaniese made cell watch and nano computer. (wanc for short - made by the wanc corporation of Dubai).

America and the West have an unflinching belief in their systems and methods but I can't see why. they don't even work in the home states so why on earth would they translate across continents?

There is a definitive list of certainties in this world and it is this:

DEATH
TAXES

I would also like to add one more vital element to this combination; shit.

You will die; you will be taxed; and you will continue to shit until it is all over and even then you will probably manage to squeeze one more turd from the passage of time.

All else is maleable and transient.

So before you get too concerned about your career and life aspirations take these items as the basis of your creed and try to adapt to the new world. It could be better than you think and I for one would rather eat a curry than a Big Mac anyday - even if the last turd before my passing requires a loo roll in the fridge.

see you in paradise parishioners.

singers while you are winning

2007-04-30T04:04:00.000-07:00

Aloha

today's blog comes to you direct from Sunny Singapore.

Well, I had almost recovered from my encounter with the slippery stair case before I had to leave. It's kind of annoying when you get older and aches and pains seem to be more debilitating but I guess there is a pay off for all that experience!

Anyhow, I had to leave the homestead to continue on my journey through life and today has brought me to the centre of Asia.

I must confess I love Singapore. It's a first world island in the third world. The things these guys have done over the past 20 years is amazing. There are new buildings all over and the hotels are first rate. Not to mention the nightlife which is - despite the tales of draconian legislation - brilliant.

I flew in - 13 hours not including the farce that is the British public transport system - 5 hours to go 80 miles no less - on the night flight and as is always the case I ended up with the stiffest neck in the history of stiff necks. It happens all the time because the airlines insist that 17c is a reasonable temperature for human beings. It is if you are an eskimo but for us normal mortals its just plain freezing. This is one of the downsides of globalisation that never gets mentioned in the other blogs.

So having added my bit to global warming I rocked up at the hotel in one of the ubiquitous Toyota Crown cabs that are all racked up and ready at Changi airport. I always use the same hotel - just off Orchard Road - and crashed out for a few hours before going out to see what Singers is like at present.

Well, the aching neck was no better so after a fine feast of gargantuan proportions I made my way to the Orchard Towers where I knew there would be a masseur available.

For those of you who don't know the Towers it is locally known as "10 floors of whores" but they are interspersed with some really useful things like a supermarket, tailors and massage dens - not dodgy for the most part.

Anyway, the lady who gave me a massage was about 45 and had hands that were as strong as a bricklayer. She damn near broke my neck before moving on to the spine - which has not been twisted and shaken so much since Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper were all the rage. Let me tell you it wrecked! But somehow I feel better for it. (Thanks for asking.)

Now none of this has anything to do with music does it?

No, but there is one interesting musical diversion that i have already noticed in my 12 hours in the tropics. That is that Pink Floyd are still HUGE!

The cab driver - who looked like an extra from apocalpse now - was playing Wish you were here on the way from the airport; a 3 piece band of American ner-do-wells was bashing out a terrible version of Money and as I lay on a table with a small asian lady turning me into a human pretzel the strains of Dark side of the Moon wafted over the aromatherapy couches.

It all seemed a bit weird - especially considering the fact that on my everlasting train journey to Heathrow there was a Polish family on the train taking pictures of Battersea power station and chattering about Dave Gilmour. What is happening in the world these days? Have we returned to 1975?

In my bag I have a demo from a US band called Band of Thieves. The weird thing is that they are so retro its incredible. The sound, the look, the hair - everything screams 1975. Question is - should I sign them and if so for what territories? Poland and Asia look pretty good right now.

I'll let you know.

yours

Aching stevens

CD's for $1

2007-04-24T01:22:00.000-07:00

Good morning,

I have run out of steam a bit today but in the spirit of co-operation I have decided to sell off our last remaining copies of the Lovemakers debut album in Australia.

So, here is the deal. As avid readers of my rants I am giving away the last remaining copies. I just need a $1 for the postage so that it doesn't cost me too much.

paypal me at info@bariarecords with your address and the record is on its way.

As we go through our stock list I will let you know whats going to be available.

There are a few vinyls from Glovebox and a very few from Heavely States, Gasolineros and Blue Eyes son available as well so if they are your faves let me know.

We won't be pressing them again so I guess they are by default limited editions.

Cheers

WEB 2.0 we have a problem

2007-04-22T04:59:00.000-07:00

Hola,

I have been thinking again about how the new world of WEB 2.0 is going to affect us all and I am a bit worried by the whole thing.

There are a few things about the way it all developing that are causing us real problems and I can only see it getting worse.

Web 2.0 is supposed to be the new way of the world and whilst I am no expert I have had a few discussions with people that make me wonder if anyone has the faintest idea of what is going to happen next.

For us at the label the web has been a bloody nightmare to deal with. Let's be honest for once. Peer to Peer is screwing every label on the planet and anyone who says different is a liar. The genie is out of the bag and now we face ruin. I mean it.. RUIN! It has become a better business idea to give away music and make money on the shirts. The same is about to happen to movies and TV and print and god only knows what else. Even retail is about to fall of a cliff when more of the high end purchasers move away from shops and online.

The thing with beig in business is that you are suposed to make a profit and if you don't it's all over. All that are left are amateurs and dreamers. Like the guys who repair steam engines for fun. Maybe 2 of them make aiving from it but it isn't an industry anymore. Music is like that, It is raidly becoming the preserve of the gifted amatuer and rock stars are a thing of the past. We had better get used to it. From global industry to cottage industry in 10 years. That is some change in the landscape I think you will agree.

Of course there are winners from this new dynamic and new models are emerging all the time but they only last a few months before being bettered. Look at Myspace - who seriously thinks that works any more? Or Money Supermarket or or friendsreunited or lastminute.com or Napster or any of another million sites. They come and go with abandon and all they leave behind are cached pages and memories. facebook will last until 208 before it become passe and goes the way of all others.

What will happen is that there will be a few local phenomena and maybe one or two big acts that break through the chaff and become household names but before the decade is out there won't be any bands just individual songs.

It's logical when you think about it. There are millions of tunes already out there and you can pick and choose whatever you want at will and for zero cost. Where is the upside in that?

Of course the "industry" is talking to itself and saying there is a future and all that but I woke up today with a feeling like its all over so I have no regrets in annoucing that we are no longer going to release CD's anymore. We will do digital for now but frankly I am looking for a new job. Who needs it? I don't want to be a sad lonely cyber individual bleating on about the death of my lable when I know in my guts that I have joined in too late and with too much optimism.

OK, you say, there is no brand loyalty anymore and who cares where you buy your stuff from so long as its cheap?

No one.

There.

What matters more these days is getting a bargain. Ok fair enough but where does that leave quality and service?

These issues are not irrelevant.

For music it means an ability to sort the good from the bad - talent from hacks and only experience and energy will figure that out, It also means that lots of people were inevitably consigned to dead end jobs in Wal Mart. But what if there is no Wal Mart any more?

What then?

The fact of the matter is that in our time the rules of life are changing so fast its unprecedented.

Expertise is worthless. Quality and innovation are devalued and intellectual gain is a by word for useless loser.

Plato said in THE REPUBLIC that there should be an elite who are tasked with governing the minnions. they should be selected on merit and not on birthrite and that they should be a class above the rest.

Our new version of democracy means that we have disbanded any pretence of having an elected elite who are able to make decisions based on rational self interest and instead we have reverted to the tyrany of the masses where the simplest things are open to debate and argument and that in itself is seen as a good thing.

IT IS NOT.

If we spend our entire lives arguing about everything then only the loudest voices get heard and being the pack animals that we are the loudest voice invariably belongs to the biggest biggot.

I am really worried that we are going to loose everything that makes our lives livable, The NSA will take over the internet and we who rely on the net so much will find ourselves in a murky world of half truths and lies. If you have the time and energy to promote a political agenda you will prevail and the search engine tyrany will mean that we come to rely on WIKIPEDIA or some other half wit resource rather than looking at the original material for ourselves. There is a value in the old paperbased systems - libraries I think we call them. The value is that they mean we are forced to physically look for information and copy and read and think about what we are seeing. Its much slower and harder work than googling but it means that the quality of research is better and more refined and it also means that it isn't open to falsification. (Red ink underlining is much harder to believe than a careful editon You Tube.)

The people are not always right. they don't have the information to be right. If they did we would never have bought the Birdy song and Concorde would still be flying. People power inevitably means the rise of the right and draconian repression. Communism bythe back door if you like.

If you take an average day in the life and wake up, get out of bed and drag a comb across your head you haven't much time to figure out if Melody 1.0 is better than melody 2.0. You want someone else to do that for you. But if you want to decide id a guy should hang for a crime you can make that call in 5 seconds flat and without the information or evidence. Thats how it works, Death is an easy judgement to make but choosing that video is much harder. That's what the new world will lead to.

Another thing that freaks me out is that there are only American values in place. America sees itself as the greatest nation on earth and its institutions as infallible. They arenot and they simply don't work anywhere else. You can't exort democracy to places where there is no tradition or demand for it. Thats why Iraq ia such a mess. No one wants the goods you are exporting and in a weird way its like trying to sell Trabants to Toledo. There is no demand and the whole thing is a bust. But what happens when some enterprisig despot gets hold of the web and manipulates it in his own image. We don't just loose bpower - we loose the whole civilisation . It is a dangerous game they are playing these designers.

We need to filter and refine our lives to make them better not open them up to more crap.

I for one will not trust anyone who hides behind a corporate screen and who pretends to have my best interests at heart. He doesn't know me and he doesn't care and in the great western tradition of recent times if I can screw him over I will. I expect nothing less from him. These are the real lessons America has taught me. Screw or be screwed.

And me a European socialist!

VIVA LA REPUBLIQUE!

IRAN and the Lost Sailors

2007-04-21T14:34:00.000-07:00

Recently the Iranian navy arrested and detained 15 British sailors and Marines.
14 men and one woman.

The Iranians claim that the Brits had crossed over into their territorial waters.

The Brits deny it.

Guess who was reading the map.

61.7% of Radio Stations are run by Robots

2007-04-20T07:31:00.000-07:00

THE RADIO PD AT CLEAR CHANNEL

Feliz mi amigo's,

time to get back to the music business. And what a business it is.

There are a few things that have sprung up this week that are worth a look.

First of all there is the news - old though it is - that a deal has been struck with US radio networks to ensure that a couple of thousand hours of indie music is played on commercial stations this year.

I will believe that when I hear it!

What a load of hockum. The promise is about as realistic as the promise made by Catherine the Great when she told her mum that she never even kissed a boy. Yep, the same Catherine who died whilst humping a horse!

If radio ever really got itself involved and started investing time and energy in street level music there would be an almighty disaster that would shake the very foundations of commercial broadcasting throughout the western world.

Radio is not what it seems. It is programmed according to focus groups and small playlists. The key to success is getting onto the playlist and making sure that there is something happening for people outside of the industry to latch on to. Most stations are now programmed by a computer that picks similar beats, keys, rhythmns etc and the probablity of a machine having any artistic intergrity is pretty close to zero. In fact it is a certainty that it is zero but I have seen Terminator and Matrix and I don't want to annoy my metal masters!

Indie and street music is explicitly not something that adheres to the major label - radio friendly - melange that bores everyone over the age of 10 to tears. In fact you are much more likely to find interesting and exciting music choices on network TV. At least someone there has to combine visuals with audio to create a scene. No chance of that on 99% of radio stations these days.

There are some real pluses to that system though.

I saw a weird show this week that has the Promoter - Harvey Goldsmith acting like Donald Trump. For some bizarre reason he was asked to go and take a look at a small radio station in outback UK - somewhere called Frinton on Sea. Now I live in the Uk and I have no idea where that is. Some Station!

The station is run by a guy who looks like he sells newspaper ads and 2 old DJ's from the seventies - Diddy David Hamilton and Mike ' my ego is bigger than your ego" Reid. What a bunch of wankers!

They have no playlist, no transmitter, no audience and no idea how to do anything other than add the platitudes between songs. They are actually losing £50 000 per month on the station but I can't see how. They don't seem to be there in person and the entire place is run by a bald bloke called Gary who looks fierce but is actually unable to have a hissy fit without crying.

These dorks all live in a big house togther where they drink expensive wine and eat spag bog every night. They share this house and spend most night telling each other how much they love the Beatles before beetling off to bed at 10pm with a copy of Razzle and some Vaseline. God knows what the blokes who are paying for all this think they are doing but to me it looked like a close approximation to a gay porn movie from 1973.

Before I get criticised for not haveing a clue about Radio let me tell you I was a founder member ofteh team that set up Radio Wombat in Manchester in the late 80's - my first pirate radio station - costing us about 12p a month for electricity. The trasmitter was converted from an old pub amp and the antennae was makde from wire wrapped around some himney statcks. We had no idea how it worked but we broadcast to about 10 square miles of manchester for months until the amp blew up and set fire to the roof! So now I see these imbeciles who have worked their way through to the heights of the BBC and been thankfully they have been fired. Boy, am I glad I never got that job at Radio 2! Imagine how much more up my own fundament I would have been by now!!!

The trouble is that they are also the guys who know how to make an impression at an interview and then end up running your local network. For all you Aussies I give you Richard "encyclopedic knowledge but bugger all charisma" Kingsmill at Triple J.

Once upon a time radio was new and vibrant and had something to say. The rules were unknown and so it had feeling about it that was exciting and worth listening to. I am sorry to say that the rules are now so established that there are core "sectors" to every show - Weather - Time - Traffic - ads - Chat - sponsors etc. And because of that - much like life itself - there is no scope for anyone to experiment or make a difference on commercial radio.

So what happens is we get a set playlist of maybe 10 songs when it should be 20. We get vile and incoherent broadcasts that project the views of a tiny minority of the population EG Rush Limbaugh - Chris Moyles and John Laws and we the audience are desensitised or revolted to such a degree that music is totally devalued and made a pointless commodity.

This industrialised model of broadcasting has led to the mass migration of listeners away from music as a part of everyday life. It has become just another widgit that you can buy if you really need it. Like a new front door. Why buy a new one if the old one works well?

I say you should get new music if for no other reason than it makes new synaptic conections and increases your brain power.
Music makes you stronger - better looking and inreases your sexual prowess. It makes girls drop their knickers and boys open their wallets. It makes your dad mad and your mum edgy. MUSIC MATTERS!

So now the deal has been struck who says what constitutes indie music? Is a record released by Cherry Tree via Interscope with all its major label clout an indie or is it the guy at home with his Mac and keyboard? Bet you guess the same answer as me. Sorry mate - not our thing!

Plus ca change mes amies

Salut!

PS. - I wonder why the major labels haven't bought as many stations as they can? If I had their money I would.
PPS - Anyone like to offer me a job? I need the credibility.

Make millions from other peoples fear

2007-04-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

Commiserations my friends,
I have had a few thoughts on the Blacksburg massacre. Not related to the victims or response teams - more about the mourner in chief and his cohorts.

I wanted to know who wins from this sick debacle.

Unless Sting releases a "sympathy" single I can't see how pop music has any relevence today.

Suggest you play Beethovens Requiem Mass. It suits the mood and is soothing somehow.

Here is what I have come up with.

Formula:
Psycho Kill kids.
Public buys guns to defend itself and armours homes, cars and schools.
Increase paranoia across the country.
Isolate a racial characteristic and make that a reason for allienation.
Sales of guns increase tenfold.
Shareprices of arms makers increase tenfold.
Foreigners become harrassed and carry guns for self protection.
One or two get involved and kill.
More guns bought for "defence"
Cheney - Haliburton and all Bush's cronies make money.
More guns - more deaths = more money = a virtuous money making cycle for some.

Winner - Arms dealers and manufacturers ( you don't make guns to grow food )
Winner - security companies
Winner - Paranoia councillors
Winner - Weird sects that divide people from their neighbours
Winner - Racists
Winner - Fox News
Winner - Funeral homes

Loser - everyone else

My advice:

Protest Peacefully.

Do not get freaked out.
The odds of getting shot in America are really bad but they are still only 41 gun related deaths per /1 million population

(1/1 million in UK where there are no legal guns and 3/1 Million in France. In other words you are 41 times less likely to be killed in a country that has no weapons to defend yourself with. There's not much need to shoot someone dead when you can jump back five feet and miss his fist is there? We don't carry arms so criminals don't either and crazy people can't get them so the best they can do is strangle you and I think its pretty hard to strangle 34 people without being stopped.)

Buy shares in gun companies - they are going to have a bumper year.

Another Wasted Day - Save yourselves from being murdered

2007-04-17T01:36:00.000-07:00

Today is another sad day.

You all know about Virginia Tech already and the mass murder there. The 19th school massacre in the past 10 years in the US.

What madness is this?

I am sure that you already knw about the ones that happened in the UK and Australia as well in recent years - Hungerford, Port Arthur, Dunblane.

What about The Russian armageddon at Beslan as well? Or the last one in Lancaster County when the Amish kids were murdered.

My mind is just too battered and bruised to see what the point of any of these things are.

It is as if there is an invisible demon wandering amongst us just looking for children to slaughter.

But there isn't.

There are just lunatics who can get their hands on weapons. Nothing more. It is not some spectral emmince destryoing our world.

It is us.

When I heard about the disaster I sighed - like always - and wondered how things had go to this stage. This morning - a few hours after the event it seems that the murderer was upset because his girlfriend had dumped him for another guy.

When that happened to me I had a cry in private and then got on with my life. I didn't have a gun so I didn't kill my rival suitor. In fact, we are now friends and I like to think that we will always be so. I like him a lot more than his wife; which tells me that we aren't always very perceptive when it comes to love and matters of the heart. If I had killed him the world would have been a poorer place. He lives, she lives, and so do their 2 kids and a million happy memories that I could have snuffed out if I had lived in Virginia and had access to a gun. Thats why you don't need guns.

But the thing about Virginia Tech that has struck me the most is the way the students reacted.

They closed the doors and looked at the internet.

Not one hero emerged. Not one extra ordinary individual has been cited. There was no brave soul willing to risk trying to save his fellows. Instead they remained in their dorms googling like mad and hoping to survive.

Victims of virtual reality.

Let me tell you people. If you are one of the new ipod generation that grew up with video carnage on PS2 and HI DEF Tarrantino movies where heads are severed with Katana's for entertainment you are so desensitised that you will sit like rats in a lab until some fanatic comes and blows you away. Like all victims you are willing to submit yourselves to the ultimate sanction without fear becasue it has become a normal part of your day.

CSI is not real.
Kill Bill is not real.
Resevoir Dogs is not real.
The Godfather is not real.

You should change things. It is in your interest. It is simple self preservation.

When your skin feels the burn of real sunlight and the sweat burns your eyes you are alive.
When the shiver of cold courses down your spine and a touch makes you recoil you are alive.
When your guts ache with envy and your ears ring with noise you are alive.
When the hum form your bloodstream drowns out your own thoughts you are alive.

As Ibsen once said,
You have only one life.
Once thats gone you don't get another.

START NOW!

Ban weapons.
Switch off the screen.
Get out of your Air conditioned room and experience real life.
Buy a guitar and play it.
Make love to your lover.
Masturbate.
Eat your fill.
Drink with a cheerful companion.
Sail on the ocean and swim in the sea.
Shit with abandon.
Sleep on bare earth.
Fight with your fists and your words - eschew the mechanical tools of death they are for cowards.
Kiss your kids, your parents and your friends.
Sleep easy

Tomorrow is another day

SIX, FOUR, OUT - 21 reasons to be a cricket fan

2007-04-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

Oh I say, how the diddly do are you old bean?

Today was an utterly glorious day in Blighty. The sun shone on the good citizens and this sceptred isle set in a silver sea truly lived up to its reputation.

The boats ghosted by in the misty waters off Portsmouth like half remembered memories from the days when Brittania ruled the waves and all in all it was perfect.

Not only that but my beloved Leeds United won a game of soccer and almost certainly saved themselves from relegation. HOOOOOOOOORAY!!!

But best off all its the start of the English Cricket season and for the first time I can remember its not raining!!

I have to confess to being a cricket nut. Now you may wonder why. Most people do but let me explain it to you.

REASONS TO BE A CRICKET FAN

1. A county season ticket has cost me £160. For that I get 45 days of free cricket.
Thats £3.50 per day.
Less than I spend in a hour at Starbucks or about 40 minutes of parking in London.
Value?
I should say so.

2. You do not need to be athletically gifted to enjoy it.

3. You do not need any special clothing.
4. You do not need to know what is going on.
You need to know who is playing - roughly. No names just geographical areas. Chances are one team is from the county you are in so that's a start.

5. The game is county / country based so there is no chance of aggro between towns.
Eg. knowing its Hampshire versus Warwickshire is enough.
(Who can act like a hooligan when it's a match like that?)

6. You can sit down all day.

7. You can drink all day.

8. There are no police in riot gear or nasty songs to sing.

9.You can drink all day.

10. The general perception is that it is a boring and slow game - it isn't . We pretend it is so that it stays perfectly civilised.

11. You can drink all day and not be called a trouble maker.

12. Posh people love it but they respect poor people who love it too.

13. You can eat all day so long as you are drinking.

14. It is not played in America, China, or South America so the competitions are not stupidly commercialised or played by cry babies who fall over when the umpire looks at them.

15. You can drink all day and talk crap with your mates and still keep an eye on the game.

16. Your wife thinks it is respectable.

17. If you are lucky you can go to: India, Australia, England, Ireland, New Zealand, Pakistan, South Africa, Zimbabwe, Kenya, Holland, Canada, West Indies, Sri lanka, Bangladesh and make friends instantly.

18. Your mates will only need to come along once before they are converted.

19. If you loose its not the end of the world. If you win you are supposed to be gracious in victory. There is a nice tradiotion of kids getting involved and playing a game at the intervals on the main pitch - imagine that at the superbowl or Wembley.

20. Even the biggest stars of the game will come over and say hello and sign autographs for your "sisters". Bouncers are fast balls not fat men in shades as far as cricket is concerned.

21. Did I mention you can drink all day?

It's all tickey boo now as far as i am concerned.

Albion is no longer perfidious.
It is perfect and I can't wait for the slap of leather on willow.

FNAAAARRRR.

Friday the 13th

2007-04-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

Hail to thee,

welcome to the day of reckoning.

I was thinking about bring you thoughts of a diverse and conroversial nature today but it's been a bit of a disaster for me so I won't bother. All you need to know is that you should never fly on a cheap airline like FLYBE. Those buggers left me at the airport twice! Once was a delay for 5 hours and then this morning at sparowfart (thats 5am to you) I woke up to get on another flight. All went well and we even got onto the plane itself before the pilot announced that the flight was cancelled. So the rest of today has been spent in a daze of fatigue and annoyance.

Friday the 13th indeed.

Anyway onto the news.

If any of you are pianists or afficionado's of the terrible black monster you will have heard of Bosendorfer. They make the best Piano's in the world bar none. Big, beautiful, heavy and damn expensive beasts they are and every pianist worth his salt wants to have one. Our mate Greg Johnson calls his "Joanna" but I bet his bank manager calls it ludicrous.

In England there are a few successful festivals of classical music. (I used to work at one so I know a lot about the Bosendorfer Grand Concert piano's - having humped them on and off trucks for the best part of 10 years.) This tale involves a new festival called the Two Moors Festival and, as ever with these things, it is held in a remote and rather beautiful part of Somerset. It is one of those places where it is forever 1920 and the Empire has still got a grip on the colonies. Small men in black suits wander hither and thither with silver trays of cucumber sandwiches and old men with tweed coats mutter "Oh I say" whenever they see anyone with the faintest trace of a suntan. You get the picture.

The organisers of the festival recently bought a new Grand Bosendorfer and paid - get this! - £45 000 for it (That's nigh on $100 000 US). They had the thing delivered with great fanfare to the first location. Lights, Camera... ACTION!

The problem was that the movers had a bit of a comedy moment and dropped the thing as it came of the van. It then fell 14ft onto a gravel path and then to add insult to injury it committed suicie by hurling itself of an embankment.

OH BUGGER!

£45 000 - £45 000 = Headache for someone.

Well, all that reminded me of a couple of Bosendorfer tales from my past.

First, there was the time that we "borrowed" a nine foot grand and placed it on the end of the docks in Penzance / Land's End.

A good mate - Paul Coker - who is a reknowned classical pianist was going to play a recital with our other chum, Hungarian looney and serously good key basher, Andras Schiff, and we thought it would be a laugh to take the massive instrument out to sea before the gig. That didn't happen - too heavy and who was going to explain that tothe broding angry Magyar afterwards? Not me. So we did the next best thing and Paul serenaded the Cornish fishermen with the Teddy Bears Picnic, the Pink Panther and other notable show tunes as they set off into the brooding oceans.

Close your eyes and imagine the movie the Shipping News. Now add frivolity and humour. Kevin Spacey would be useless. Try John Travolta instead and you are closer to the picture. It was excellent and it made the local and Canadian TV news as there was a protest going on against European fishing policy or something at the time. Thanks' be the guys from Bosendorfer didn't see it. Still, it was pretty good effort for a fun day at the beach don't you think?

But that's not the best. That comes courtesy of dear ol' Tori Amos and her crew.

Bosendorfer had lent her a midi grand (which doubles the value of the piano) for a big tour in the states. I think it was the Choirgirl hotel tour but my memory fades.... So when the tour finished up all the gear was being shipped back to the UK and there was this big black thing waiting to be collected. Except no one called for it.

A week went by and no Austrian came to take their baby home
Another week and no news.
Then a breakthrough.

My dear friend who is a piano tech of world reknown called me up.

"Do you think it would fit in my house? It's 9ft long and 5 ft wide"

"Yeah but the floors won't take it"

"Can you fix them"

" No worries"

So the errant piano was boxed up and put on ship to go on holidays in sunny Tottenham whilst I rounded up a crew to remove three doorways and a living room floor and replace them with concrete and wider portals.

Job done the piano duly arrived and was installed.

It has become the worlds most expensive beer table - none of us can play the thing even if it is tuned to perfection at all times - so it serves very well as a piece of furniture.

So on this day of disaster and futility I would like to thank the dear Austrian chaps who crafted it with such love. One day they will have made my friend a very handsome donation to his pension fund. I hope they don't mind.

He sent it by sea after all and we all know that's eco friendly.

In fact he is a very Dolphin friendly tuner!

ta ta

BLACK EYED PEAS - Bloc Party - Sting and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are HYPOCRITS

2007-04-12T04:40:00.000-07:00

Oh what a bunch of hypocrits there are in the music business!

I fly all over but I know I am burning carbon. At least I don't pretend to be a good guy about it. Not like these imbeciles.

Have you got into the Live Earth thing yet? Well if you haven't you will. And what a crock of non-sense it is.

Imagine this; Bring a load of self centred, ego-maniacs with their entourages half way across the world. Put them up in 5 star, expensive and non-eco friendly hotels. Ferry them to and fro in big Limo's and then charter the most expensive helicopters to get them to the gig. Make sure that whilst they are there the tents are air conditioned and filled with chilled Champagne from France and Grapes from Guatemala- clearly defined on the rider these items must be of original provenance and it doesn't matter if you can make do on Sparkling wine and a packet of Jaffa Cakes. The celebs must be looked after!

Now get 50 fat radies from Arkansas and Alaska to fly and rig and turn on a 50 thousand watt light rig and the biggest PA that money can buy. Make sure that they are all trucked there on large flat bed - diesel powered lorries. Power the whole thing on generators fuelled by Diesel. Leave them running even when there is no need.

Then invite 200 000 of your closest friends and make sure that they need to travel to the most far flung places in the world from London, to Sydney and Japan, Shanghai, Brazil, South Africa and New Jersey ( where of course you won't be able to smell the stink from Elizabeth because they will turn fans on to re-direct the fumes from the chemical plants).

Add in the global TV execs and the sponsorships and the added air miles and congestion and you have a recipe for Live Earth.

Has anyone thought this through?

Live Earth? More like Kill me quick.

No wonder we are worried. Our stars are burning so brightly they can't see how toxic they can be!

Wankers.

Bill Gates bitten by Apple

2007-04-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

Howdy,

I guess you have already heard about the great DRM fiasco with EMI and Apple. Emi gave in and at last music downloads are open to all to copy.

That means a big kick in the head for Zune and Microsoft.

All the fake Ipods can now put in AAC format downloads instead of WMV (Microsofts crappy system).

Looks like Microsoft have been well and truly bashed in the battle because if you think about it - who wants to load up software that costs a lot to licence and then can't interact with 90% of the downloads out there?

"AIN'T NOBODY BUT ME" (oh no not more bloody Supertramp!)

By Bill. See you in Liberia

THE LONG TAIL WILL SMACK YOUR BUM

2007-04-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

Kem Cho,

as avid observers of the business you will no doubt have heard about the "long tail".

This is a description of the way numbers of sales drag off into infinity after a product is released. We used to call it back catalgue but the Valley techies have to have their own vocabulary.

There is also a misconception that the long tail may end up wagging the dog.

It won't.

The long tail is a chimera invented to win someone a PhD and convince all those of us hanging on by the fingertips that there is hope if we just play by the rules. It is bullshit! I can sell you a single CD and that will be part of the long tail. The question is how long is the tail and how big is the body?

I can see that the old fashioned Wolfhound is being bred out and we are going to end up with a Daxhund before long. Yip Yip Yip. There is not much meat on that tail.

What you need is to be a part of the body not the tail.

Preferably the head. The bit with teeth.

Ponder this for a moment.

When the world fall out of love with America the break up will be bloody and bitter. Not everyone wants to dream about California and its concommitant smog. Some like to imagine a beach without Muscles and dippy blondes. Some of us already have that.

Why would we want to race on Route 66 in a Mustang when we can travel across Asia on an elephant?

Why should we relate to Ghetto murders when we can stay at home and see our own people being slaughtered in such new, efficient and imaginative ways?

Why is NYC called the big apple when its losing its pith?

Beware of your assumptions people. What was once certain is no longer. America isn't the dream it once was. You bombed too many people too many times. The empire is dying and so is the rock business.

It is time for a new Weimar Republic.
Lets all get hammered and create frenzied orgies of creativity.

Or, maybe we should have a cup of tea and meditate.

If you don't believe me ask these guys:

Julius Caesar,
The Queen
Jesus,
Buddha,
Stalin,
George Bush,
Houdini,
Alexander the great,
Herod,
Beaver,
Donny Osmond,
Chairman Mao

tot ziens

96.4% of Musicians are Idiots

2007-04-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

The other 3.6% aren't trying.

Happy Holidays people,

In previous blogs I have mentioned manners - or rather the lack of them - as being one of the major reasons for a musical career in the doldrums.

Today I wanted to remind you about how important manners are and also how important it is to make sure that your message is getting across.

It's really quite simple but it bears repeating. You must remember at all times that the guys on your team are also ON YOUR SIDE!

(The number of times I have come across the kind of "everyone is trying to screw me," paranoia is making me think that there is a a conspiracy of silence on this issue. Why aren't we being told?)

In order to elborate a little and get my message across I brought you firstly the list of the most offensive words - as compiled by the BBC. I am sure if you look at the list you will see words that you come across in everyday useage.

Now, I may sound like your Mum but these words are fine if your "gang" uses them on a regular basis. That kind of common repetition devalues the shock element and neuters some of these words until they lose most of their meaning. BUT... and this is big but ( like J Lo's but not so attractive!) Outside of your peer group the words are still offensive and must be used with care.

Let me give you an example of how dangerous your ambivalent attitude to words can be.

I was on a plane travelling from Indonesia to Papua New Guinea once. The flight is 5 minutes long and lands in a town called Vanimo. There is one plane a week and it is a big deal for the customs boys there. Now, as you know I am a Western Imperialist who cares nought for the social niceties of foreign lands and so when we landed I thought that my British Passport would carry the same amount of credibilty as having a Black Amex does in Saks 5th Avenue. Boy, was I wrong!

The customs officer asked me where my visa was and I pointed to one in my passport. It transpired that this was a single entry visa and that I had not got the correct stamp. When the large and very aggresive gent behind the counter pointed this out to me my reply was simply - "Oh you are joking: which means I can't believe I made such a stupid and elementary mistake and could you please lok kindly on my ineptitude in small town England. In Papua New Guinea it is a major insult to question the veracity of a government official and if he were able to my interogator would have turned puce, Instead he ordered my bags off the plane and me onto a small bench where transgressors could be humiliated in plain view of the other departing - and legitimate guests.

I was totally bemussed and not a little scared They still have cannibals in PNG don't they? Was I going to be the main ingredient in Missionary stew? Would I be deported to Jaiapura after a week in the pot. Would he turn my skull into a new bongo? Why was he looking for the salt? This was not funny.

The plane was turned around and ordered to taxi to the end of the runway whilst my colleagues bartered for my safe release. There was a lot of grovelling and a lot of stern looks and waving arms going on and I was powerless. Every time I moved he shouted at me to stay put or there would be "CONSEQUENCES"!.

Eventually, after a good deal of bowing, scrapping, promises of virgin brides and praise of the locals virility and no small measure of personal ego massage the customs guy agreed to release me for 400 cigarettes and 2 cases of beer. He then scribbled a small note on the visa in crayon and took 20 Dollars for his trouble before releasing me into the foetid air of a Papuan Rainforest airstrip.

The engines were already running and the pilot waved at me to hurry up as I ran down the ever-lasting runway with my suitcase and heavily bruised ego in hand. The sweat ran of me like Niagra but my relief at getting out of there was enough to power a small aircraft carrier and as I hauled myself up the steps I gasped a last breath of swamp before slamming the door shut behind me and swallowing as much air conditioned, farty aeroplane air as I could get into my burning lungs. As the plane cranked up the power and took off I crawled to a seat and started shaking with relief.

The comlimentary nuts were a bit of a let down on that flight let me tell you.

So, the moral of this story is be careful what you say and who you say it to.

If you are a musician be nice to your fans, your manager, your label, your family and especially to people who may weild power over you that you are unaware of. If you don't it may cost you more than $20 and a case of Pacific Ice beer

Andiamo

NO MUFF TOO TOUGH

2007-04-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

Genuflections at this time of the resurection my brothers and sisters,

(see how I am really getting into this thing about saying hello in a really posh way)

In this little missive I bring you two thoughts.

First of all if you are able to see the picture you will already know that I am really impressed by this womans brilliant adoption of inuendo and sleaze in the noble cause of selling T-Shirts. This is marketing genius and it almost makes me want to buy one of her shirts. If you can't see it here is the link;

http://www.bodyasbillboard.com/

The second and more music thought is one that has come to me the more I delve into the inner recesses of the blogosphere. It is this:

What a huge morass of sad and weird people there are with access to the Internet.

(AM I ONE OF THEM?)

Now, I know that porn was the foundation of this information super highway but I thought that by now there would be more than just pimps, wimps and pervs online but if you look at the blogs that are out there I doubt it.

There are tons of them that have not been updated since aboout 1994 - look up Melanie Griffiths blog if you don't believe me. Then there are the mentally subnormal ones like Perez Hilton. Somewhere inbetween though lies the truth of the blogsphere. It seems to be populated by a million cooks, whingers and shit musicians who are trying to flog MP3's by pretending they are going to donate to the latest charity. BULLSHIT THEY ARE!

So now you know.

If you are at all discerning you will filter out the insane quite easily but triping through the fields of average ability bloggers such as myself is nigh on impossible. It's rather like being in a pub and chatting to a nice guy at the bar. Its great for a few minutes but then you want to get back to your mates in case he mentions that he is a member of the local chapter of Slavers for England.

Sometimes its best not to know who is out there. Just in case.

It is safer and it is certainly better for your mental health.

I suggest that as your first step on the road to mental health you only read blogs that have typo's in but who do not write the first person singular as "i". These people are lazy and will probably come to your house demanding free board and lodging the next time you post a comment.

Adieu

RCA COLUMBIA - COMPUTERISED HELL

2007-04-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

Incantations of Despair my afficionados

This has just appeared in my world and its a warning shot across the bows for all those pirates and buccanners that are trying to forge new empires in the wastelands of musical creativity.

Here is an exerpt from a "Blog" I just read on Vox.com

"SonyBMG Music Entertainment UK has just announced that starting April 2nd 2007 it will no longer accept demos from new artists on physical formats such as CDs for consideration by the company’s Columbia Records or RCA Records labels.

In fact, the only way RCA and Columbia Records UK will accept new music or demo submissions is via Vox! How cool is that?

We think it’s very cool to see entertainment companies embracing the multimedia aspect of blogs, and the way that Columbia and RCA UK are embracing Vox is exceptional. They explained it like this:

“We don't want demo CD's anymore, that's what part of this is about. It takes ages for you to do, they get lost and it's a waste of plastic. Register your blog and be part of our on-line community. You will be directly connected to us and everyone else who's in the community. That's the other reason for this, the artist community being closer to the labels they want to be involved with.”

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT APART FROM A COP OUT CHICKEN SHIT EXCUSE FOR A LABEL?

Oh what a great scam! Now we have a major that can't be bothered to go out and look for decent bands. It looks like the perfect way to keep the mystique going and hide behind a screen of green pseudo pretence without ever needing to employ another A&R guy again. No Artist and synthetic repotoire for all! Can't wait.

Cd's aren't ever going to get anyone signed to a major - except by idiots like us in the indie world. We love music for its own sake and if the Majors want to get some credibility back they need to listen to music in all forms. CD, Live, MP3 or even in sheet form. They need to work at the front lines and not in an office somewhere.

It is just too important to leave to some computerised scanning machine to filter which is what this will mean before long.

Welcome to the machine age of creativity people!.

A gift to the people

2007-04-06T03:18:00.000-07:00

Blessing be upon you dear reader,

I have had a small moment to contemplate the meaning of generosity following the return of 15 Marines after their kidnap by Iran.

It seems to me that the West has been comprehensively out- P.R'd by our Islamic bretheren this time and whilst there has been a huge amount of speculation about power struggles and factional infighting in Iran the truth is that they just got really pissed off with being made out to be the bad guys all the time.

The US kidnapped 5 of their guys in January and pretended that they knew nothing about it. They have lost 2 generals to "special forces" snatch squads and just like us they were pretty hacked off about it. So they grabbed some of our blokes and then made a big show of giving them back after 2 weeks of stalling and making Blair look like a pussy. I guess that sometimes what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

In otherwords - the politicians deserved a good slap from Mr Ahmadinajad this time.

I am glad that no one got killed for once.

The generous gesture is a pretty fair analogy for what should happen in the music world right now.

There are major powers out ther who are happily fucking with our lives and really egging on the reactionary forces by claiming that the cyber world is real and that we should all aspire to become Avatars living our lives by proxy.

I say - Bollocks!

Real life is far more important and if you want to spend your lives in the pointless pursuit of virtual thrills you should istead try to learn something.

Like for example, the gift that is music itself.

Don't fool yourself that the only way to go is down the Western music road.

Did you know for example that Arabic music has a whole different set of scales with 24 notes in an octave? Or that they sing in quarter tones which we don't even acknowledge in the West?

If you did - Great.
If you didn't you need to find these things out. That way you might just be the guy who invents a whole new way of making music just like those old Blues guys became the basis for all the stuff we play today.

ADVOCATE CHANGE

ADVOCATE KNOWLEDGE

ADVOCATE GENEROSITY

Happy Easter

CHEAP CD's

2007-04-05T02:34:00.000-07:00

You have been warned people!

"It's unwise to pay too much, but it's worse to pay too little. When you pay too much, you lose a little money - that is all. When you pay too little, you sometimes lose everything, because the thing you bought was incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do. The common law of business balance prohibits paying a little and getting a lot - it can't be done. If you deal with the lowest bidder, it is well to add something for the risk you run, and if you do that you will have enough to pay for something better."

Professor John Ruskin M.A. (1819-1900)

OLD ROCKERS

2007-04-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

Feliz me ol' mates,

I have just returned from a hearty couple of days in the heart of the City. London City. England, Europe.

In London there is a place called Camden and I recommend it to you folks most sincerely. Camden, as you may know, is the heart of all that is indie rock in the UK. It hosts the bands that everyone has played at including Barfly, Good Mixer, the Palace and many more. It is - in short - the UK's daily equivalent of Austin. Only in camden the market is better and so are the enourmous Doc Boots that hang on the walls of the shops.

I love Camden.
I met my Missus there and I have been to more mental events in that place than anywhere else.

Apart from Crouch End. Which has no indie pubs but loads of watering holes that have been known to sell me an intoxiacting beverage or two.

Anyhow, I met up with Mark Wilson - he of the guitar slap - and his manager to have a chat and a few pints. They had just come from making a TV show for Sky and Mark was looking a bit wobbly. At first I thought it was the beer, or the TV studio but it turns out he is to become a dad. Well done! So a few whets of the babies head later and MArk has gone home to the wife. Then along comes Ray "Thunderbird" Fresh from a tour with Seasick Steve and the Gemma Ray Ritual and then along comes Steve who has just been in Brisbane and NYC with Darren Hayes (Savage Garden) so all up it was a good old night. Steve's band - THE GREAT STATESMEN - played a show at Dublin Castle with some blokes called Spencer McGarry. Not keen on them but maybe that was becasue I had been through the best part of a gallon of John Smiths finest Ale by the time they came on. Everyone else seems to be enjoying it though so lets leave that there.

So the night was going great guns. I was perched on a table chwing the fat and slopping the ale when I stopped gibering for a moment and looked up. The room wasn't quite spinning but there was certainly a flashing blue light going on inside my head. You see as I looked about I realised that the 3 blokes from Warners weren't there anymore and that everyone else was at least 35.

Oh shit! I was just another old rocker watching another band in a pub in Camden and kidding myself that I was still out there at the cutting edge. But I wasn't was I? And neither was anyone else. We were all just going through the safe rituals that we know and trust. We were the music worlds version of a golf club committee. Fuck!

So, my bretheren I ask you to repent your sins and come join with me on a quest for the new and important. This rock n roll thing isn't just old its positively venerable. When the big shows are all aimed at the 60 plus age group and the cutting edge is attended by 40 something blokes in black jackets you know that the absorbtion of youth culture into the mainstream is complete.

It is a shame really. I know there is new talent out there - like these guys I saw the other year. He is a bit ofthe blurb about them:

"The Flairz is made up of three 11 year old rockers from Perth, Australia. They are John Mariani-guitar/bass/vocals, Scarlett Stevens-drums/vocals, and Dion Mariani-guitar/bass/vocals. Their brand of no nonsence rock and roll has gained them many fans in western Australia while opening for many big name bands including The Living End. They have also played to an audiance of thousands at Perth's famous Rock-It Festival in March 2004. The Flairz released their debut CD-EP on November 15, 2004."

They are young talented and I am sorry to say stuck with Dad's dreams of superstardom.

What the hell is the next thing?

Someone tell me please because I honestly have no fucking clue and with a hangover like the one I have today it is not something I am likley to figure out any time soon.

Catch you later

Men - why we can't pause

2007-04-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Ah, my dear readers, what mirthful tales I have to tell you today. I need to tell you to be careful. VERY CAREFUL.

Why? Dangerous forces have been released in Manhattan. Think Hiroshima times 19. This is scary stuff and anyone under the age of 40 and / or in possession of testicles should beware. The lunatics have taken over the assylum and if this thing takes off you can be assured that Tin Pan Alley will shortly metamorphose into Chintz Floral Avenue.

The great thing about this tit-bit is that it might even motivate me enough to begin writing the book I always wanted to write - but probably never will - "Things I never thought I would hear as long as I live."

The news is that musical theatre is about to be assualted in ways never before imagined.
Yes indeed that banal, mindless, expensive dross that the passes for entertainment in minds of the over 50'sis under going a change.

A really fundamental change that will alter the way we think about Broadway forever......

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS...?

MENOPAUSE THE MUSICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Jesus what next?

First we had to live through the Vagina Monologues, then we had the revenge of very angry women (aka Hilary Clinton / Maggie Thatcher / Amanda Vanstone et al) and now we have the musical meanderings of a bunch of slightly deranged and angry women on Broadway!

I wonder what the track list on the labium (sic) will be. I guess the artists recruited to sing will have to be "Blood Sweat and Tears" but even though I don't know for cetrtian which genre thes composers will adopt I have a few ideas of what songs they should cover, (add any you can think of yourself) :

HOT FLUSH (Donna Summer)
Spinning Around ( Kylie)
Prepare for the fight (Lovemakers)
I am woman, hear me roar ( Helen Reddy)
Patience (Take That)
Fish Heads - the "its your fucking supper; like it or lump it" remix (Zappa)

And the list goes on .....

Incidentally, do you know why it takes a menopausal woman 10 hours to roast a chicken?

IT JUST FUCKING DOES OKAY!

Keep passing those open windows kids :)

It just is cricket

2007-03-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

G'day

I know that cricket has nothing to do with music but I have to tell you this one.
I heard it whilst watching the world cup from the West Indies.

A fine Aussie - Kerrie O'Keefe - told this one as Australia were bowling against Sri Lanka

A frog walks into a bank and goes to the counter. He sees from his badge, that the teller is called Paddy Whack.
"G'day, Paddy" he says, "My name is Kermit Jagger and I would like to borrow $30 000".

The teller looks at him in surprise and replies, "Well we would require some collateral for that sir. What do you have?"

The frog then produces a small pink elephant and hands it over the counter.

"I am sorry sir, what is this?" asks Paddy.

"It's a family heirloom", says Kermit "I am sure it will be enough.
Look, why don't you ask your manager he is a friend of mine?" continues the frog.

Off goes Mr Whack to see his manager.

He explains that there is a frog outside who wants to borrow $30 000 and that he is offering a small pink elephant as collateral. Paddy says, " I'm not sure what it is or what to do but he says he is a friend of yours."

The manager looks up and with a stern frown says,
"It's a nick-Nak Paddy Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man is a rolling Stone!

Thank you and good night.

Puff Daddy is Almost Gay - WHAHEY!

2007-03-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

Prodigious honourings to you my massed ranks of cognoscenti,

Today I opened the paper to find that Sean "Puffy Combs" had to make a rapid exit from the Maddox Club in London because he was approached by a big gay rich bloke. Aparently Puff was just chillin' with the bretheren when the mincer with the quiff sauntered over and tried to squeeze the knees of the MC's.

Laugh? I nearly shat.

I mean what does the guy expect?

Everywhere else in the English speaking world the world "Puff" is synominous with breakfast cereals and gay men. So unless you are going to leave the confines of your luxury sweet (sic) don't call yourself Puffy and expect not to be chatted up by another geezer!

In a way this is a great example of how branding works.

Call yourself Coke these days and there is a good chance a nice lady with no nose will invite herself to your barmitvah.
Or Tab and you are going to be surrounded by teenagers looking for a rave.

I guess you already know that the label is called Baria. The trouble with that is it was suppossed to be BARRIER. Just like the Reef. I thought that would be a kool name for an Aussie label. When I registered the name I was overseas and had to do it all by phone. The idiot on the other end heard my name and wrote it as BARIA. So now that's the name of the label. Okay I can live with that but it seems that Baria is a province in India and also something to do with fundamentalist muslims or something. Pretty ironic really, considering I hate all kinds of fundamentalists.

So in a nutshell my little peonies, beware of names. If you get it wrong you might get fondled by a person that isn't quite your cup of tea.

On the other hand - maybe a change is as good as a rest. Remember the lube dude.

Puff on Daddy.

Ciao

99% of record labels are crooks

2007-03-30T02:04:00.000-07:00

Guten Morgen,

back to business sweet reader.

All the blogosphere "hints" pages tell you not to do this but I have just read a great article written by the guy who produced Nirvana.

I have put a link in so you can read it for yourselves.

Not all of us are on the same road.

Weirdly enough almost exactly the same scenario has happened to us this year and we are a label.
It happened because we trusted Mr Big in the distro chain and he took our pants down and probed the openings like a Navy Seal in Roswell.

Just read it and take note. It's very accurate and is a warning for us all. Indie, musician and dreamer alike.

http://negativland.com/albini.html

Is there any point?

2007-03-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Shalom beloved reader,

I sometimes wonder if there is really any point in writing this blog.

After all apart from you who is reading? I don't know and although Google are smart people I am sure they don't know either. Perhas more to the point I don't think they care. But I do. I really do.

So punters galore please tellme what you think. Even if you hate it. Say something.

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that the biggest problem with our new internet world is that no one has any responsibility so no one gives a shit. It's so easy to ignore everyone and everthing if its virtual and the problem with that is that it is begining to infect our daily interactions.

If you want to get ahead inmusic you need fans. To get fans you need to make a connection and lets be honest here you are not going to connect with a computer in the same way you would conect with a person are you?

If we continue to ignore each other and react like real people we will be consigning ourselves to a future of electronic banality. I promise you - as an old old man - that if you don't get involved you will end up being shown the way by people who have. I will also promise that you will hate what they give you.

It is your world. Your future. Your now. So please get up and say something. If not to me then to someone else. Make life active and you will make it better.

Hype still has a place in the pantheon of pop but as a rule the music that makes it is the music that is accessed in person.

For example, today I spoke to someone who has 16 new bands to plug. 16 - and thats just one plugger. If you add all the others up thats a lot of noise out there drowning out your sound. So you need to out play - out perform and most of all out meet every other musician who crosses your path.

I realy hate it when bands come over all "I AM SOOO MUCH MORE TALENTED THAN THEM" and send the night slagging off the other guys on the bill. If you look at successful musicians you will see that the best of them listen and learn from their peers. You need to know what works and it's no damn good pretending you are brillinat when you aren't. There is no such thing as an overnight success. It has to be worked at.

When you run a label it can be really depressing to see talent waste itself just by being stupid and belive me we see it every day. There could be so many more happy and productive people if they just got up off their backsides and JUST DID IT!

So, my apprentice send a reply to this. Tell me I am wrong and see if you become famous by blogging or.... say hi and get your arse off the sofa and play a gig in your nearest bus stop. It will change your life if you do it every day.

Salaam Bretheren

Lies Damn Pies and Statistics

2007-03-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

Goede Morgen,

in this infinately fascinating world there are a few things that pass by each of us that are guaranteed to make your hackles rise.

There are of course the politicians and self important numb butts that grace our TV screens each day. But they are on on-going problem, rather like genital lice: Annoying but hardly life threatening. Then there are the bullies and aggressors who can make your life so uterly miserable that its not worth a damn but lets be opitimistic ans say that they will get their come-up-ance. Karma works that way. But there is one more insidious creature that stalks the dark recesses of humanity.

I present the BUROCRAT.

As you are avid readers of my latest news, views and drivel you may already be aware of the potential disasters that await all of us who are trying to break out from the normal 9-5 routine. But have you ever been sucked into the machine that 9-5 really entails? I just have and it is horrible beyond compare.

You see the various governments we deal with all have their own particular way of trying to make you conform and woe betide you if you don't. I am sure that it all began as a well meaning experiment but that's no excuse; isn't that how Frankenstein came to life?

In the UK we now have new laws designed to prevent money laundering. These laws are so stupid that they almost stop anyone doing deals at all.

For Example, In order to borrow money you must provide a whole raft of I.D. Fair enough. But once you have done that you must then produce it again and again as each step of the process proceeds. It isn't enough that the bank is legitimate and they have known you for 10 years. They must hire a seperate, 3rd party, team to verify your existence. Why trust your own systems when a quick squeeze of the nether regions will determine if you are who you say you are. For this you are charged money which is then added to the debt and interest is added to that as well. No wonder efficiency is going to hell. No one can fart without paperwork being filed in triplicate with the complaince officer (noxious gasses) in Room 101 - The Stinky Building, Ponderous End, PO E.

America is even worse becuase of the damn federal system of taxes. Califoria sales tax, state, federal, IE something or other and so on. Paperwork is a real headache.

As for Aus it is so overgoverned that 98.3% of the population are employed filing and the other 1.6% are filling in forms.

Even so despite all this people are still trying to have a good time during their short sojorn on earth. But even as I write the clever bastards are maeouvering to make life more difficult. Not by letting us get on with our lives and concentrating on the important things in life like health, respect, and music but by inventing new kinds of taxes and fiddles to keep everyone on the treadmill.

Did you know that between them Bill Gates and Warren Buffet own as much as the bottom 30% of American society? That really makes their "generosity" plain. You can be generous when you own every fucking thing!

Have you also noticed how thin they are? Personal trainers - not cheap.

Bill and Buffett are two of the guys inventing things that slow your mind like spreadsheets and formatted documents. Thanks to them we can communicate but we can't spell. Carrier Pigeon anyone? The new net age has given us the option of talking directly to each other whereever and whenever we want to but it has als resulted in some unexpected side effects. Like BARIATRIC products. Piss taking buggers are using our name to promote chairs for wider people. (Something which America no longer has a monoploy on). You should see their stools (sic).

We have an obesity epidemic across the Anglicised world. What was once confined to the suburbs of Washington D.C. has now reached the extremities of the American empire. Thanks to Big Mac and Burger King and their helpful and ever dynamic allies at Coke.

NO FUCKING WONDER EVERYONES GETTING FAT! Who can get up and dance when you are forced to spend your days ticking boxes and undergoing examinations dictated by anally retentive accountants? (I bet there are some men who would pay good money to act out that scenario! Oh yes MR Tackle. Please inspect my Anal retention! etc)

Tick
Sip
Tick
Sip
Munch
Tick
Sip

So the purpose of this little rant is to try and resurect - with a minor alteration - the old slogan that made me get active. (I recently weighed 400 lbs due to middle aged spread - a Margarine substitute made by Nabisco. I only use organic lard and whale gristle on my Mighty White toast these days and the change is remarkable.

Here we go, then. Raise those knees and open that mouth. Now sing along.....

FUCK WORK LETS DANCE!

Via Condios funsters

THE POWER OF LYRICS

2007-03-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Felcitations devoted readers,

I bring you news and thoughts that may inspire or affect you as you see fit.

I have come across a story that made me think of just how powerful our words really are.
It behoves us all to ignore the proverb "sticks and stones' because it is patent rubbish. Words matter. They start wars and demonstrate love and everything we do is mediated by what we say and the way we say it.

Think of how these words have been appropriated and given new meaning and nuance - Nigger, Gay, Wog, Motherfucker, love, hate, queer, not. The list is endless but you see my point?

With that in mind I wanted to turn to lyrics and how they affect us. I am sure you have a favourite line from a song - Try these - "Out of my brain on the 5-15" or "I Don't give a damn I don't fucking care, Going kill my mum and dad and cut off all my hair," or "Hope, I wish you'd believe me." Or try Opera and take the interminable dirge that is Peter Grimes - " FISH, fish , fishermand, or "Oh Lord, forgive my bitter weeping" or "My tiny hand is frozen". And so it goes on.

As afficionado's of the musical librettists you will no doubt feel that I am labouring the point but I give you the following poem by way of apology. It was written by someone who was a witness to an unsolved murder on New Years Eve 07. This person has written the poem and posted it all over his estate in Bristol so that no one is in any doubt who the murderer is. His name has been removed from here but no doubt he will be singing your songs in jail. Makes a change from the dull apolgy for lyrics that most failed gangsta rappers pretend is "real".

Perhaps this should be the foundation for your next song

Adieu mes amies.

Now I will show how a few words can be made
As sharp and deadly as any boy's blade
How running away will not you save
The truth is there like an open grave

You can wipe your bloody hands in the grass, till they bleed...

A defenceless man is dead and his blood's gone cold
But the story of his end is going to be told

You can run and run till your shoes wear thin
And hope that you're safe, 'cos of the colour of your skin
Paul Kelly lies dead, and who held the knife?
It was you, [name removed], we all saw take his life.

The New Year was but a short hour old
When you and your mates were: Oh, so bold.
You put us to shame,
But we did the same.

It was black on white, so it must be right
It was you who said: 'He had it coming that night.'
Then you ran away and we turned our backs.
You said we would be next if we breathed a word
We took in you threats that now sound absurd

So we closed our eyes
And took in your lies

So where will you run when, at last, you face a brave man?
You gonna run once more through the streets, all a quiver?

Will wash yourself down in the deep, deep river?
Yow, young [name removed], where you threw the knife,
Listen to what I say and take good heed:
You can wipe your bloody hands in the grass, till they bleed...
But you will never, never get them clean.

Sax and Dregs and Rock n Roll

2007-03-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Salutations Hipsters.

Today I have little that is worthy of note to say so instead I thought I would tell you about a perfect moment in my rock n roll life.

The event in question took place some years ago and whilst it will never make it into the annals of pop history it will always be a day I will treasure.

A friend of mine, Trevski, was working as a roadie for that Tragic 70's hippy band - Supertramp.

Now you may say that is as uncool as it gets but I hapen to love Supertram and have done since I was a kid. My first encounter with them was when I was given their album "Breakfast in America" one Christmas when I was 13 and living in the desert near El Paso, Texas.

Years later, one sunny day in Cornwall I was driving in an opentop car with a gaggle of Dutch loonies who were all singing along to "Paris" as loud as their spliff expanded lungs could manage.

Crime of the Century reminds me of too many deep, depressing moments in the military (so does New England Billy Bragg which was my platoon song but I digress).

Ever since then their songs have re-appeared on the soundtrack of my life and as a result I just love them.

So on that wonderful day I flew down from Luton and into the heart of wealthy Europe - NICE. (You say neece not nice - its verry French yew no.) and jumped into a cab. 20 minutes, 100 Euros and a heart attack later I arrived at the coolest 'otel in the world.

That evening - after a trawl through the miniscule pricipality of Monaco - I met up with Trevski and the crew in the bar. Now, as you know the protocol in these siutuations is to keep your mouth shut, buy a round and blend in with the gang.

So off to the decorous bar I went. Standing there was an old guy all wrapped in Lycra and looking a bit lost. We nodded a greeting and then I realised it was the famous sax player John Hellawell. He of the sax solo and megaphone. Bloody Well Right it was!

The chat was lovely and it turned out he lived just up the road from where I grew up. What could I do? I bought the man a drink. I bought one for myself and I bought one for Trevski ad AJ the pseudo jewish guitar tech. So basking in the majesty of the moment I flashed the cash and paid the bill.

I stood at the bar for a few minutes more waiting for my change. Came there none. Instead the barman asked me for another 50 Euro.

That round cost me E150!!!! It also broke me for the night.

Thank god for the tour bus stash. No one was buying after that.

At the end of the weekend - which I am not going to describe because what goes on tour stays on tour - I checked out of the hotal and asked the concierge where the bus to Nice left from.

With a sneer that only a Frenchman can maintain he looked at me as if I were mad - "Sir, zer iz no bus."

Ok - I guess I will need to risk a taxi

"Taxi Sir? Why do you tek ze texi? Yew should tek ze helicopter." and with the ultimate withering pout "It is cheaper."

He was right. It was magical and it is the only way to see the Cote D'Azur.

Au Revior

Beck to Basics

2007-03-23T02:15:00.000-07:00

Once again enconsced in the bosom of my homeland and I am investing most of my time in negotiations that could well alter the structure of our little empire forever. I can't tell you more about that right now but I can say that we have been approached by some very nice chaps who want to get into the business.

In many ways that's reassuring - knowing that there are more lunatics about with the same dementia as me.

As a part of our "discussions" there have been long winded conversations about what strategy we should be employing in the face of the new digital world. I am happy to report that no one has any idea but everyone pretends that they have. How do we deal with CD sales falling through the floor and peer to peer and all the stuff that everyone else writes about? Well, frankly I don't care anymore.

The latest conference was too much for me and if this deal doesn't come off I am announcing now to you - my dear music lovers - that we are going to revamp the entire label and dump a whole load of ancient practises. It is time for us to be leaders not followers.

Change is always a real problem but thankfully there aren't that many of us and we are all pretty flexible so it won't really hurt. I wish the same could be said for everyone.

America is a tough place at the best of times but when the cash cows are being slaughtered there is inevitably going to be internecine warfare. Here in the UK the ripples are spreading. Warners have dumped the UK CEO this week and all is not well at EMI (as we have learnt already). God knows what happening behind closed doors in LA right now.

I will bet you as soon as the redundancy notices land in Hollywod Boulevard that will be a whole load of "OH YEAH DUDE - FOR CERTAIN" arse lickers out there who have suddenly developed an unhealthy interest in the new kids on the block - DAVE AND VIC; otherwise known as Posh and Becks. These people are called vultures and should be avoided at all costs.

Maybe there will be an entirely new entertainment industry founded by the King and Queen of Europe that actually pays attention to what the rest of the world finds interesting but if these chaps get innvolved I doubt it. Self interest and creativity do not make good bed fellows but with Posh and Becks I think they know the game better than anyone. Beware America, the European self obsessed are getting pretty good at playing that game. The rules are changing.

In case you don't know - the entire globe (including North Korea and excluding Australia and the USA) has an obsession with soccer. Without doubt the greatest stars of this sport are the players of a few select teams - Manchester United, Real Madrid, Juventus and Barcelona and Liverpool. These guys earn money on the field that is staggering - try $250 000 a week for a rough guide. Then add on the merch and other rights and you can soon see that they are individuals who are industries in themselves and of all these chaps the biggest is by far DAVID BECKHAM. A very smart boy who speaks English, Spanish and style fluently. He is also talented, handsome and a walking sexual fantasy for most of the gay men in the Western Hemisphere.

Becks is married to a Spice Girl and now he has signed to play for the LA Galaxy for £125 million for the next few years. Thats about $400 million in your American dollars! Even if America carries on ignoring everyone outside of the 50 states I promise you this guy will make an impact on your lives. He is bigger than General Motors and much more profitable.

All this is a great example of how to make change a great bonus if you have the foresight to try something new. hats of to the Galaxy. They can't fail to make their money back.

So I am hoping that simply by think about what Becks has done will, by some osmotic process, help us to create a new way of working that is massively profitable and also kind of fun. Hope after all is another thing we are all short of.

So there you are. Think big - Think different and maybe look at places where no one else will go and there may be a golden opportunity awaiting.

Like Starbucks signing McCartney it is all about associating yourselves with a big image to grab the attention and then hoping you haven't backed the wrong name. I think LA Galaxy have it right and Starbucks are about to eat the bitter beans of a balls up.

Cali nikta

Just read this and weep America

2007-03-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

He is a grumpy bugger but this just about gets it right.
Just about - even though he has no idea of British Geography and that my dear colonial cousins is unforgiveable!

T T FN

Which is posh for Ta Ta for Now.

Toodel oooo.

TAKEN FROM A POST ON: http://lefsetz.com

The Feeling At Shepherd’s Bush Empire

It’s different here. Everybody’s still a believer.

There’s radio. That everybody listens to. There’s television, featuring all the new acts. And tons of TV advertising and billboards to boot. There’s a vibe here, music is part of the fabric. David Byrne had it right. Same as it ever was.

At the Shepherd’s Bush Empire tonight I felt it was like 1964, and the Beatles were performing. The venue is unlike any in the U.S., that I’ve been to anyway. It looks like a legit theatre, but according to the history, it’s always been used for music.

On the floor people were packed in so tight it was almost like the Who in Cleveland.

And then there were THREE balconies. Hovering seeming feet from the stage. It was so intimate, you felt so THERE! There was a level of excitement we used to have HERE in the sixties. One that disappeared long ago, with the arena rock of the seventies and the MTV of the eighties.

Speaking of which, the Feeling covered the Buggles’ "Video Killed The Radio Star". I heard the initial notes and…couldn’t believe it.

But even more stunning was that everybody knew the words. They were singing along. Hell, many times during the show the audience functioned like a backup singer.

You’d think it would be all girls, aren’t they the only ones listening to pop?

But there were some oldsters like me. And twentysomething dudes who looked like they’d whomp you in a blind alley. But, they were singing along with every word.

It’s like music is the national religion here. Not like a sideshow in the U.S.

All the money and all the celebrity conspired to ruin the mainstream music scene in the States. The only shit worth seeing is under the radar. Whether it be Robert Randolph or some band in a club. The stars? They don’t seem to be playing to the fans, but to the media. Their devotion is to the bank, not the listener. It’s palpable. The mainstream music scene in the U.S. is so phony that you tune it out.

But according to Richard, CD sales are UP in the teenage demo in the U.K. I mean broadband penetration isn’t what it is in the U.S., but I see a lot of white headphones. Then again, CD prices are dropping here. Tesco is in a battle with Warner, it won’t even stock a couple of hit records until they bring the price down. Predictions are that CDs are gonna decline to five pounds, far less than half of what they were only a few years ago.

And this gig? Thirteen pounds and change. Which works out to under thirty bucks.

Furthermore, it’s cheaper than that. Because our money ain’t worth shit over here. Lunch at the museum today, a small salad, was twelve bucks. The ten minute cab ride to the venue? Twenty bucks. It’s not like we’re living in a third world nation in the U.S., but for the supposed greatest country in the world, we’re not looking too good. Hell, the FOOD is even good in London these days. The Tesco at the gas station doesn’t only put 7-11 to shame, it eclipsed Ralphs in quality, if not breadth.

So whatever anybody tells you, don’t take what’s happening in the U.K. to be representative of what’s happening in the U.S., and vice versa. They’re two completely different worlds. The U.S. has got Top Forty, comprised of hip-hop and a bit of pop, and the underground. With dinosaurs ruling the live venues.

In the U.K., the dinosaurs tour, hell, I saw an ad for HAWKWIND in "Q". But the up and comers, it’s a very vibrant scene. And it’s multifarious genres, in a way we haven’t seen in the States since the seventies.

Sure, the acts sell out and do endorsements here, but it’s not as big a deal, because people don’t believe in the myth. They know except for the Robbie Williamses, everybody’s doing it for a lark, and will be down in the pit working a day job with them soon.

As for the band…

The mix was HORRIFIC! The bass sounded like a chainsaw and dominated the mix. The solo in "Sewn" couldn’t even be heard. And the lead singer was just as jive as he was in L.A.

But it all didn’t fall flat here. The audience clapped hard for an encore. The early twentysomething girls in front of me drank their beer and shook their asses even though none of them had a man in sight. It was about the MUSIC! The way it made them feel. Real good.

Shepherds Bush Empire

__________________________________________

One more thing. It’s like a living record here. I was riding the Central line back from the venue and one of the stops was…"White City"! I thought Pete Townshend was being METAPHORIC when he named his album that.

And Harry talked about buying a house in Richmond. Which immediately reminded me of the Faces song.

And every time I look at the tube map, "Play With Fire" goes through my brain…

Now she gets her kicks in Stepney
Not in Knightsbridge anymore

You feel the musical culture here. You get a sense of where the musicians were coming from when they wrote those classic songs. After all, it’s not always sunny like in L.A., you have plenty of time to think, to be introspective, to let your inner feelings and hopes and dreams out in your songs. It’s less about shining on, and more about WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!

But most people never do.

The Feeling is an English thing. So many of today’s English acts just will not translate, they’re local productions and phenomenons. Makes you wonder why we went through twenty odd years of English music dominating the American charts.

And I open the paper on the train this afternoon and there’s a picture of the Battersea Power Station… Can you say ANIMALS???

SHIT KICKERS TO NO KNICKERS

2007-03-22T03:27:00.000-07:00

Ah, Dear Reader,
today I bring you a tale of such cultural divides that it has left me glassy eyed and rolling on the floors with raucous laughter.

What a simple tale of grace versus feral laviciousness.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, an operatic Diva of a Maori persuassion, was recruited by Australian music company, LEADING EDGE, to perform a concert with the local talent - JOHN FARNHAM.

John Farnham is famous almost nowhere else but Australia. He is the epitomy of the Aussie "larrikin". In other words he is a fat balding, wealthy man who does not have much talent but who knows how to live up to the iconic symbols of Aus. by being surrounded by "mates" like the Prime Minister and financiers who own vinyards. TRUE BLUE.

GAG FROM THE OLD FOLKS HOME:
What's an Australians' favourite chat up line?
Brace yourself Sheila!

Dame Kiri decided - after spending $128 000 on a helicopter flight- that she simply couldn't do the show with Mr Farnham and so the promoters were forced to go out into the big wide world and recruit another artist. TOM "Didn't I sleep with your Mum in '63" Jones.

It is not unusualy for Diva's to get into a bit of a wobbly state and cancel shows but this was a bit different. Kiri was sued for non performance for $2 million. They court was convened and all the leading barristers gathered in their bewigged finery and argued the case with all the rigour of Rumpole and the guy from CSI. To and fro went the battle, like a veritable feeding frenzy until finally the judge asked Dame Kiri why she had pulled out of the show with the farm boys.

"I was concerned about the underwear being thrown at him, and him collecting it and holding it in his hands" she told Mr Justice of the Australian Supreme Court. At which point he no doubt called a recess and went into his chambers for a quick hand shandy and a bottle of rum.

Don't you just love the idea of a Dame who is used to singing in front of audiences consiting mostly of the living dead being revolted by kinickers thrown by a horde of menopausal shit kickers from the bush? I mean how clean can you get? I will guarantee you that every single pair has been washed and ironed and placed carefully in handbag before the show.

They probably have John Farnham knicker throwing displays at the local fairs in Dubbo and Eumundi. And I will also stake money on the fact that the chances of catching anything remotely contagious from them is infinitesimaly small.

But the Judge - being of sound body and rather unstable mind ruled in favour of Dame Kiri and her classless devotion to truth, justice and the puritan way.

Poor old Jonnie Farnham made his money and so did Tom Jones and I bet that all the randy ladies from the outback never gave the tame Dame another seconds thought.

I hope for their sake that having spent $300 on a ticket at least the blubbering mountain of flab that is Jonnie got them moist. He is the outbacks answer to female Viagra after all. I bet Dame Kiri is regretting not having a bash at that before she sings her last Aria. I know I would.

Kia Ora

The Shipping Forecast

2007-03-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

After expending my carbon credits by flying back from the land of the fathers I landed at Gatwick - the worlds most god forsaken airport - so that I could rush up to a meeting at the legendary townhouse studios in London.

This place is an amazing labyrinth of studios and mastering suits that has a history that basically writes the last 30 years of the british music business.

The great thing about my little visit is that both Al and Steve took me for a guided tour of the entire place - from the basement to the roof an it was a really charming place to be. I can see why musicians love it so much. In the bowels of the building I came across boxes of old DAT tapes from everyone who has ever been there. I picked up a dusty box and found it was an old Beta video tape of Iron Maiden live in Rio. Lying gathering dust in a damp basement - the stuff of legend. Someday someone will have a clear out and find hidden treasures like this that have been long forgotten.

It is sort of reassuring to find that despite my most cynical moments there are still places that have a real scent of musical history still hanging about.

On the way up to London I switched on the radio and heard one of the great British institutions - the Radio 4 SHIPPING FORECAST. In case you have never heard this it is just a list of sea areas and pressures, sea conditions and yet somehow it is redolent of the entire history of Britain. "Cromarty , Forth, Tyne Dogger. West North West 1008, falling." is the kind of thing you hear. "Thames, Dover Wight. gale force 8 gusting 9. Imminent."

The thing with the shipping forecast is that no matter what the weather man is saying he always says it in a clear calm voice so that boats out at sea can hear it and write it down. That way they will know in advance if they are going to sink in the perfect storm later that day. Nice. I only wish there was a music business forecast.

Can you imagine a broadcast that you could tune into that went along these lines:

"Digital, Live, Merch - 40% rising slowly.
Licence, Sync, Myspace. Anti-cyclonic. Steady.
Labels. Legals, CD, Retail, falling fast. Collapse Imminent."

What a relief that would be.

As you know we are at the unknown edge of a new weather front in the way music is managed. It is unpredicatable. A bit like the winter. One day calm, the next stormy. I do feel that right now the storm is just passing over and we may even emerge from the other side in the next year or two. It is feeling better now that it has for ages.

One thing that does worry me is that I have heard a few bits of news from the big city. Remember where you heard it first ( or second or ages ago ...)

Firstly Whitfield St studios shut down whilst I was in Aus. What a shame. Brilliant massive space, right in the centre of London. Then Sarn is in the dung again and so is Olympic and even Abbey Road is losing cash. What a terrible omen for the technicians and guardians of yore and what an opportunity for the new bucks with verve and a few dollars to spend on Pro tools and a decent Mac.

Clever men i shite coats with shiny heads are always inventing new ways to record and technology is always changing so that isn't really a problem but, what may be a problem is the loss of a community and shared experiences that places like these create. Its what what we all got into the business for after all. Weeks of sweaty hedonism in the dark, dank rooms where others have already behaved badly and brilliantly allow a certain creative freedom that a bedroom studio does not. I mean aren't you more likely to knock of the hookers and gak in a creative haze when you are in a proper studio than when you are blogging or watching clips on you tube whilst you wait for that damn render to finish?

We allow these places to decay at our peril.

Save the wailers.
Save the wail.

The Lithuanian Property Market

2007-03-20T02:23:00.000-07:00

It is incredible. Truly amazing. I am stunned.

Here I am sitting in the lobby of a rather swanky hotel in Deutchland with an imported - an it has to be said expenzive (sic) - copy of the Financial TImes in my hands when one of the unbiquitous inserts falls into my lap.
"
"Meet McEnroe, Becker, Cash etc" it says. Wimbledon 2007."

Now, I have not the slightest interest in Tennis. As far as I am concerned it is just another waste of effort but because it is a rather boring aspect to life on the road; this sitting in lobbies and waiting for things; I have quick squizz. Lots of nice pictures and blurb and then the price. JESUS!

Mens Doubles Finals - £2395!!!! Thats around $5000 US each!!!! Holy cow.

It isn't even for one of the singles finals.

For that money you get Strawberries, lunch and - television to watch the matches on the day.

The rugby world cup is in there too, That one is £ 2995 for 2 days including the final.

I do understand the corporate thing that is going on and that multi million dollar deals are done at these events but it has got me to thinking that we have really screwed up in the music business.

How can it be possible that that kind of money is being thrown about on sports when music is lucky to get away with a few quid for a CD?

It made me look at the pages of the FT a bit more closely today and I have found out some other interesting facts.
Did you know that the Lithuanian property market is 90% financed by Swiss Francs, or that there is a big fight going on for purchase of the Chicago exchange?

No, neither did I.

So what the hell has that got to do with us? Well, quite a lot in fact.

If Lithuania borrows in Francs and then the Swiss put the rates up their nice little earner becomes a bit of a disaster and that in turn leads to another episode like the one that is happening in the US sub-prime lending markets - look it up if you don't understand that. That leads to a collapse of confidence in the German, Lithuaniana banking sector and suddenly a big economy hits the skids.

Uh - YEAH BUT WHO CARES?

You should. Because if that happens and Germany goes pop (like a weasel not like Nena and her 99 luft ballons) the Euro loses value and makes European goods cheaper for everyone. Thus the American, Chinese and everyone else buys well engineered and stylish euro goods instead of brash and broken Chryslers.

The mighty economies lose sales and punish everyone with trade sanctions and bullshit like the Doha round of interminable trae talks. The rest of the world sees the Euro getting more valuable and gets shitty with the hawks on capital hill for once and Japan sells its holdings of the the dollar. The only thing thatis keeping Team USA afloat right now is Japanese and Arab money - remember that.

American confidence goes down and you find that the only things available now are not exactly the best - like Zenith Tv's instead of Sony's - and it gets more expensive to buy basics like your food. Money is getting tighter so you cut back on frivolities like music and sales decrease even more. Suddenly bands are getting dropped and the job you thought was safe is not and so it goes on and on.

It is the vicious circle.

Not a happy thought is it?

The Lithuanian property market has indirectly fucked up your record collection. Go figure...... as they say in parts west of here.

There is another option. We could actually revalue our own products and make them desireable and more expensive.

Take a leaf out of the classical book and make your shows so exotic and special that they become corporate events that people want to attend for "business purposes". What better way to attract publicity and value than by excluding the sweating proles from your gigs and making it all so exclusive that only the suits can attend?

Or how about only releasing very expensive and therefore rare albums that are so heavily protected by DRAM that they can only be played twice before self destruting (Actually thats a bloody good idea. You can't have that - its mine - copyright - patent pending). They could be the Faberge eggs of music. Like a really obscure wine that no one ever drinks but that some idiot will pay millions for.

But if we do that we lose everything we ever stood for and join the corporate band. So much for indie!

I guess it has already happened with people like Philip Green paying George Michael £5 million to play a party for him but that really sucks. I don't begrudge GM for taking the dosh - who wouldn't so long as he keeps on playing shows for us poor peasants.

My advice:

Keep on fighting because sooner or later Live Nation are going to make this play and we are all going to have to revalue our services and that will be a show worth watching.

Tot Ziens - for those of you who speak Dutch ( I have no idea what it is in Lithuanian so that will have to do for now)

Wine, women and song

2007-03-19T03:31:00.000-07:00

Berlin is bloody nice place. Cold and windy but really well worth a visit.
You can get your passport stamped at Checkpoint Charlie and drink huge steins of weissbier around the clock in salubrious bars with unpronounceable names. If the fancy takes you there are Trabants on sale ( the car on Achtung Baby cover) for about $3000 US. There are women, men and lord knows what else available to the discerning traveller and all in all its a highly invigorating city.

I saw posters for all sorts of bands who were passing through: Snow Patrol were one and another was BLACK UHURU - a band I haven't heard of in about 20 years! Cutting edge excellent reggae. I rate tham much higher than Misty in Roots but thats a another shaggy John Peel story.

A few days here and I am almost back in the world again.

The trouble though with Northern Europe is that it's cold and Windy for 6 months of the year. It makes me really pine for the fjords of New Zealand in summer.

Which reminds me, Greg has a complitation album coming out soon which you get free with bottles of Kim Crawford Wines in the USA.

How good is that? Get nicely mellow on wine and warbles.

You see that's a nice little tie in with a company that understands how life really is. You work hard all day and when it somes to down time you really need to relax in company with friends and chill out sometimes. No need to think about what to put on the stereo. It's all done for you.

I really like this plan because it means we aren't trying too hard to be "imaginative" and that makes a big change.

Easy.

Achtung International

2007-03-18T01:26:00.000-07:00

Guten morgan,

I have been granted a few days dispensation by the gnomes so I have come over here to Berlin to catch up on the cricket world cup and Eurovision.

Flying in to the old East german airport - which is now a bunch of sheds along the coldest airfield in the world - was a bit odd. The last time I was here I was a student and damn nearly got to spend my vacation in Spandau ( I know thats in the West but I can't remember the name of the Eastern prison). Anyway, I don't recommend that place one bit. It's a real dump, especially after Zurich and its starched linen everything.

In many ways it's rather heartening to be here in the old east. I rode along in the cab just looking. Seeing bits of wall and old buildings that used to house the Ministry of music and other stuff like that. I finally dragged up at my hotel - THE AROCTEL - in case you were wondering - expecting austere communist decay and instead got a boutique with hand made carpets with pictures of Brecht and Marlene Dietrich and all those other German pop icons. Its really cool. Miles better than a Four Seasons, stock box. The hotel is in the old East and from the window you can see the massive telecom tower that used to represent the gravestone of thousands of dead escapees. The synagogue that was the target on Krystal Nacht is just down the street. This is a really heavy place in history. Just by the front door is the S Bahn and tram lines that used to symbolise the ppossibility of escape and the daily charade of hope and dread (dependent upon which side of the old wall you lived on).

I have also discovered the best Thai restaurant in the world opposite the tube station - I kid you not it is amazing! Look for the christmas lights.

Back to matters more musical -From here the pursuit of European domination was launched and it was here that it perished. And that is what makes Eurovision so brilliant.

I guess most Americans won't have heard of Eurovision so let me explain. It is a pan continental competion that takes in every country from Israel - Europe??? to Finland and Iceland and from Ireland to Moldova.

Which neatly reminds me if you know aything about cricket did you see Ireland and bangladesh last night? Two minnows of the game hammered India and Pakistan on Paddys Day. There is hope for all of us if that can happen!

Anyway, Eurovision is an excuse for all the gays. transexuals and frustrated cabaret singers on an entire continent to sing away in front of millions of like minded people. ABBA started here.

It has been won by an Isreali transexual in the past and last year was won by LORDI a Finish band that never reveal who they are and instead dress as monsters from hell who hapen to lay hard rock. They drew th biggest EVER crowd in Helsinki last year with 90 000 people. So as you can see it's a big deal. It is also not open to Americans and that changes the entire perspective of the competition.

Isreal has a band that want to "PUSH THE BUTTON" this year as a dig at the Iranians - ironic really as the only ones who ever get shot are Arabs. The UK rejected hip hop act Big Brotaz and elected a group called Smoosch who are as camp as a row of tents and as for Holland......!

Now despite the fun of Eurovision there is one thing that never fails and that is the voting. You can see geo-political arguments every year when it comes to votes. Greece will always gove Cyprus 10 points. Cyprus gives Greece 10 points. Germany always votes for Isreal and Israel always igonores Germany. France will never vote for anyone who has a hope of winning unless its Belgium and everyone else is so pissed they can't remember who to vote for so they vote for Ireland.

Thats why Eire has won it about 40 times and is in danger of going bankrupt because believe me when I say that a donkey with a sore throat is better than half of the acts in the comp. Ireland can't produce a bad singer even if they resort to tonsilectomy so they keep on winning.

I really hope this year that Europe does what it always does and flips out as soon as the temperature goes over 10c and votes for the chick from Malta. I haven't heard here but apparently she has tried and failed to get in 11 times before and when you think that there are only 14 people from Malta who enter every year she has got to be pretty bad. But she is persistent and she will enjoy the week in Finland more than any other man alive (woman). So when the time comes VOTE MALTA! Reward Endeavour and get this girl to the top of the charts in 30 countries. God knows she has got to be better than some who have made it already!

The reason I am here is to do a deal with a contact from East of the Bosphorous. We need to get into Russian and the old soviet block, so I met up with a guy who was the Turkish entrant in 1994 outside his club, the Artemis. Nice place and very original use of toweling - more on that another day. Suffice to say this guy gets whatever he wants and has a metod of doing business that is rather like that other Turkish emperor Ahmet Ehretegun RIP. His favourite triack was to bring two gilrls with him to a meeting and then use them to distract you from the deal just enough for him to come out as a winner. He would then leave and take the girls with him leaving a trail of destruction, legends and moist tissues in his wake.

BEWARE A TURK BEARING GIFTS!!

The old sinsister intrigue of the cold war is alive and well and living in Berlin. So is Electro so get over here if you play that stuff.

TCHUSE

SWITCH OFF THE IPOD

2007-03-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

After alll this time in solitude I have suddenly realised something really potent about the business I am in.
Portable music is destroying our lives!

You see it's quite a thing to switch of the TV and Ipod for a while and just go into the world "naked".

I bined my ipod about 2 years ago because I was going deaf from trying to drown out the background noise. I think I made a wise decision. It has taken me all this time to re-aclimatise to what reality actually sounds like. Electronic noise had become a sort of tinitus that swamped me from the moment I woke to the moment I slept.

Suddenly though, it is as if the gunk that was filling my ears has been syringed out and I can hear again.

I have to say it is amazing.

I can hear music in the way I never did before. There is melody in the milkfloats; harmony in the hum drum and tunes in the tuna melt.

Maybe we should ban Ipods and Mp3 players altogther.

If we did we might have chance to catch our breath and actually listen instead of just absorb.

Music is not a disposable commodity like toilet paper, it is an etethereal and magical spell that makes life a little bit better, like chocolate.

Why don't we value it more?

Global Warning

2007-03-16T16:40:00.001-07:00

Biased and one sided reporting makes my blood boil but more important is that it always comes from the same sources, controlled by a cabal of reactionary psycho's who out compete each other in their attempts to stupify the entire planet by telling us crap.

Elton and the hand of God

2007-03-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

Hipsters, flisters and finger poppin' daddies (as the great John Cooper Clarke one said) I bring you another sad tale today as I regress to the 1970's references that scatter the landscape of my tiny memory.

From high in my Swiss tax haven Julie Andrews has stopped warbling and instead I hear that some religious nut jobs have crawled out of the slime again and tried to evolve by trying to ban Elton John (Reg to his friends) from singing in the Caribbean.

How can they? I mean he is one of Britains greatest exports (thank fuck he lives in Vegas now!)

This is the guy that gave you a song to mourn for Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana - two of the worlds most famously heterosexual women. Marilyn shagged the President and Diana humped the King. Then they both ran off with some shady foreign guys and ended up dead. (And you wonder how the Godfather got written!)

Only a queen like Elton could have written for a Princess after all. He was perfectly placed to know what would set the 24 carat, ermine encrusted tears flowing. Do you seriously think that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers could have done that?

Why are these fundamentalist christian loonies kicking up a stink about the queen of pop?

Because he is gay.

Not sure I understand that one but then there are lots of things I don't understand. Leaves more totty for us real men doesn't it?

What's the problem Vicar?

Seems to me like the religious right have been trying to keep themselves relevent by yelling and hollering since rhythmn and blues escaped from the slave quarters into the massas' house.

Is this seccession or sedition I ask?

"Shout JUDAS! Loud and they'll hear us!" (Supertramp 1970 something)

Well the nazi's are shouting again and I can hear them from here and I wish they would shut up and carry on talking shit and thinking its the voices of angels. (Otherwise know as speaking in toungues - what cobblers cobber.)

Isn't it true that John Lennon was in deep do do for saying the Beatles were bigger than Christ and Elvis was the spawn of satan because of his pneumatic hips? Didn't Robert Johnson sell his soul to the devil and didn't the Rolling Stones make a pact with Beelzebub before they crafted Sticky Fingers?

Don't some people have better things to do than worry about a middle aged bald guy with a shopping habit and bad dress sense?

I suppose not.

I mean it beggars belief that this is a reason for protest when other, slightly more important stuff is happening.

Let's take for example the state of radio, TV, and other mass media ownership for example.
Or maybe Gitmo
Or The murder of allies by US soldiers who are exhonerated after all the evidence shows guilt
Or video games designed to show how to kill everyone
Or post office service
Or the collapse of sub-prime lending
Or the state of my laundry basket
Or Pornography not being freely available in church
Or global warming
Or President Bush and the case of the missing brain
Or Scooter Liby doing time for crimes his boss committed
Or Trident
Or the incredible apathy of Americans
Or the dispensation for war crimes that Israel seems to have
Or the real reason that Iraq was invaded
Or Roswell
Or Tiger Woods being black
Or Martina being a rug muncher
Or any other crass and stupid thing that you can think of

The list is endless. But this is what they give us. Elton John will corrupt your children.

If that's true, as a parent of 2, frankly I fucking hope so!

A less threatening an undeserved target for attack has never been presented. The guy likes guys. SO WHAT!

If the religious right knew what carnage they had caused across the globe on crusades in search of their invisible promised land maybe they might think twice about saying or doing anything apart from wiping the rool of their shirts on Sunday.

They are as guilty as Stalin of Genocide and of Perversion as Rasputin. They just haven't got the balls to stand up and say it.

So come on you God fearing wankers come and have a go at me. Have a bash at my music and I will love you for it. Because Jesus is love. (Actually he was Jewish but thats another story). It can only do me good to forgive you. You biggoted ignorant smeg heads! So bring it on.

Oh and the publicity will hopefully sell enough records to pay for a damn fine party in Birmingham AL.

If you do protest and call me names like the big girls blouses you are I will have won and if you say nothing you are weasels and deserve the wrath of Allah - the man who runs the tyre dept in Wisconsin. He gets real mad sometimes!

I intend to sue you all and invite every queer, black, commie, anti-christ, anarchist to indulge in masses of debauched orgies in the grounds of your church.

I won't be there. I will be in Zurich polishing my gnomes

(This was a guide to making sure you get publicity by niche targeting your enemy and thus engaging and entertaining a target audience. I hope you understand the principles involved.)

Nos sta bach

It's all about the money honey

2007-03-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Faced with another night alone in this luxury Swiss "retreat" with its specially made vulcanised wallpaper, I tuned into ITN news last nighton the ol' puter.

Guess who is still stuck up on a ledge on the fucking Eiger with a TV camera and no fingers to switch it off? You guessed it the mighty RAN Defenestration!

This dick wad is hanging about and getting in the way of real news again. Tonight he has persuaded some public school brain death to follow his progress by hiring a helicopter to film him in a precarious state half way up a mountain.
Last night they were at DEATH BIVOUACK. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Is that any place for a sane person to spend the night?
I dearly hope that the bugger falls off that hill and bangs his head on the way down. At least that will mean we only have a day of misery - like when Sharon didn't quite die - and then we can get on with more useful things.

Anyway I though rather than blatter on about him I had better show you what happens when an athletic, artistocratic man with a the brain power of a lemming is let loose on the unsuspecting world.

Now, I guess you are asking what the hell is he on about this for? Well, let me tell you. People like Ran are in charge of the world. Idiots with more money than sense (not hard in this case). They are born lucky and get to spend their days wasting time on pointless activities like Polo, Lacrosse, Rugby, climbing mountains and making investments in things they don't understand.

Imagine if you will, that you have a billion dollars. What are you going to do?

OPTIONS ARE:

1 Playboy lifestyle,
2 MONASTERY
3 Quiet life out of the public eye
4 Newspaper columnist
5 Sportsman
6 Property developer
7 Author
8 Antique dealer
9 Restorer of old cars
10 Cunt

RESULTS

Most opt for a combination of 1, 6, 8 and 10

If they have testosterone aplenty and IQ points a lackin' they will inevitably opt for 5 and 6. That's why all buildings in the old world since 1940 have been built by committees of dullards with no more skill than the guys who are shovelling the yoghurt down my throat every hour.

Some, tried option 1 - found out they were shit, selfish lovers and in all likelyhood perverts and so reverted to option 7 and 8.

Which leaves us with the successful failures like Ran. Famed for being daft.

Old money does not "do" creative things unless it involves Nanny and a wetsuit. Old Money is only involved in keeping old money in old families. Think of it like this;

If you are Roman Abramovich you can give your ex-wife $1Billion and still have $10 billion spare to goa n do interesting things with like run a football team or build the worlds biggest yacht. If your name is Gates or Buffett you can increase the GDP of African nations by writing a cheque and save millions of lives. But, if you are "old money" you are under strict instructions to keep every last penny in your own clammy hands until your death, aged 102, by preventing anyone doing anything innovative and new.

In England they say that is being "preserved in aspic."
In Switzerland they say ... nothing and just take the cash.

Now then, here is why this makes musical difference.

Old money marries new money. New money becomes old and settles into jello senility.
(I give you "THE DAILY TELEGRAPH".)

Your TV , press and radio is run entirely by old money. (Myspace has been bought by old money Murdoch).

You listen to them every day in your car at work and on TV and it changes your perception of right and wrong.

You vote Tory, Republican, Liberal because it feels safe and they told you too. They will never remind you why it suits their own interests to run with the herd and put all your energy into consummerism.

Once in a while they have a feud and some new/old money upstart like Conrad Black takes it up the rump but, generally they are happy to hide their shame beneath a lambswool sack (UK readers may get that). (See Robert Maxwell - Hungarian Saint, or Ken Lay - my papered life in the arms of Princess Anne)

Then one day one of the old school chums doesn't like the look of someone -say this week it is the Chinese - because the bird at the Karaoke wouldn't let him play tonsil tennis with her and he hits a sell button on his Taiwanese computer whilst telling his mates to do the same.

Old money - which has never been used to do anything is safely locked up in bullion, property and stuff like that, but yours - which is in a pension or something, controlled by the mate; you know, his friend, the guy with a stately home in Berkshire, that one, yeah him, the same guy who just told his boys to sell - isn't. It is fucked.

New money, like ours, is lost before you even know about it and they make a few dollars for their efforts.

Now people have to sell to avoid bankruptcy.This means that old money is more valuable because it buys more.

It buys your house for buttons whilst you languish in a Motel 6 somewhere near Fresno. You spend 50 years paying off a debt they created and then wonder where your life went. Meanwhile Ran is up a hillside with a cozy toe sleeping bag and wall to wall adulation. His contribution to the world is zero but he will earn millions because you want to read about him to escape from your shitty life.

And because you are so tired and poor you will never play that gig that will make a difference and you won't be able to inform a generation of your brilliance and a dream will die.

Meanwhile on the radio James Blunt and Mika get A rotation and you are singing "Smile" as you wipe another geriatric arse and wonder where it all went wrong.

It went wrong baby when Momma got frisky and your old man got lucky.

Sweet Dreams

blog site

2007-03-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

HACIENDA HOLA

2007-03-16T02:34:00.001-07:00

Guided by the well hung cow that wanders past my room every evening I have been considering the state of the music world.

Since the nice men in white suits took me away from the debauchery and decrepitude of rock n roll I have had plenty of time to think. Sadlly, thanks to the herbal medication I haven't been able to use that time. Instead I have wasted the opportunity by sitting in alpine streams watching birds twitching like a diva about to go on stage.

Today however I am calm and considered. The effects of the mangold poultice are wearing off and there is hope in the brain of this demented author.

It struck me - as I observed a stork wafting past - that there are millions of different genres of music but we only ever consider one; The one we like. Believe it or not I like white mans indie rock and that is why the label has gravitated towards that particular style. That's why college radio and BBC are almost entirely composed of the same stuff. It's programmed by the same people from the same background with the same haircuts and the same attitudes.

Now whay should that interest you? SImply because if you can think different you may be able to break through in an entirely original way.

Let me explain. Here in the midle of Europe there are "cantons". These are areas that all have distinct identities and even languages. Did you know that there are French, German and Italian Swiss? They all get along togther and have one identity outside their country - SWISS.

Now, in music there are all the genre's - Urban, Rock, Country etc and the occassional crossover but generally you are what you are and that's that.

It strikes me that perhaps its possible to look at breaking that mould and setting up a new method of working.

Imagine recording in French for example and getting a big followig in Canada and France before you even think about London , New York or Sydney. Imagine trying to be the first band from Dubbo or Dublin that sings in Cantonese or that uses a weir instrument like an oud in a pop song.

It has been done before with massive success - eg Beatles and Ravi Shankar, Christie Moore and Planksty, Madonna and talent. Combine the unusual elements and find a new blend.

It can work. There is even a chef in the UK who cooks snail porridge and is a big star - YEUUUCH!

For those of you interested in working in America why haven't you thought about the Hispanic market? I know they don't get big headlines in the mags but something like 40% of America speaks spanish not English. Thats huge! It is not something to ignore. Then there is Korea, India, China, Indonesia and many many more.

There are the odd successful foreign acts - gloria estefan and Los Lobos perhaps but not many. Make the journey and you will be famous.

So in short if you want to make it don't think like the rest. Try to pin the tail on the donkey but look for a new adhesive!

Until later

Maldroid and the great mountainering monster

2007-03-14T02:16:00.000-07:00

In England there is a famous explorer - Ranolph Fynnes - who is currently half way up the North face of the Eiger. The man is reknown for tramping across deserts and arctic tundra with nothing but a tootpick and a pair of Damart thermals for protection. He is the sort of guy that eats polar bears for breakfast and eskimo's for lunch.

A genuine throwback.

He is also a total twat!

Thanks to Sir Ran (as he likes to be known) there are corpses of young men scattered across the globe. Most of them were trying to help with some madcap escapade and got just got caught in the cross fire.

Promises of glory, fame and self achievement all amounted to nothing when the chips were down and Ran needed to run.

These days he makes a living from motivational speaking and from the accounts I have heard 80% of the men (it is always men) who hear him think that he is an icon and the other 20% think - like me - that he is a tit.

Which is worth thinking about for a minute. Why would there be such a discrepancy?

Well, it all comes down to experience.

You see, if you have been on one of his "trips" and got out alive you would no doubt have realised that Ran and his kind are ego manical toss pots who only do things for their own self gratification. Oh, of course there is the pretence that its all for science or to test mans endurance bollocks but really its all about having a collosal ego. Once you have breen bruised by that kind of obsession there is no way you want to go near it again.

Which brings me on to signing new bands.

You see the thing with finding new acts - or A&R as we oldies like to call it - is that you need to find acts just before the masses do. But at the same time they need to be "bubbling" and building a fan base.

The latest one to cross my path is Maldroid from San Francisco.

These guys popped up on my screen last year and we have been following them since. They have really worked the system well and have won you tube video competitions and have created a bit of a buzz around the bay and beyond.

So when I spoke to Ryan from the band at first a few months ago it all seemed great. I liked their work and wanted to release it for them with an eye to taking them on if things worked out well. I was quite excited about the prospect and I thought we could do something with them that would be productive and let's be honest lucrative.

Since then the massed ranks of A&R have found out about them too and now I hear from a birdie that in the line at sxsw they are one of the buzz bands of the festivities.

Now for us that's bad. It means a bidding war and there is no way we will get close to a band I really rate. For them its excellent and I wish them all the best but it also means the inevitable "Ran Ego" will be growing deep in the brain of at least one of them. Sooner or later someone will get their fingers burnt / frostbitten or gnawed off by beavers and that will be that.

The monster that is music has reared its ugly head and if it's like this now it will only get bigger and bolder as time goes on. Either they will emerge as monsters of rock themselves or they will be chewed up and spat out. Who knows?

Anyway, all that means that we aren't even going to try to compete. We can't offer what the others offer. There are no big cheques or groupies on draft. We aren't climbing the north face of the Eiger. We are sitting on a pretty terrace with a pot of herbal tea and a copy of the Times crossword as the sun sets over the Matterhorn.

I know where I would rather be right now.

How about you?

Austin - centre of chaos

2007-03-13T03:53:00.000-07:00

Yodel aye eee whoooo!

Fresh from the museli and crunchy nut cornflake enema I sit (carefully) at my computer and sneer with distain at the carnage that is about to begin in Austin.

Actually I am begining to regret not going a bit but then you can't be mental and live in a rubber room when there is work to be done now can you?

I have just been informed of some of the stats for this years sxsw and it's insane.
Get this:
1536 acts will perform at the event this year.
Most of them will do 3 or more shows. (Thats over 3000 shows in 4 days!!!!)
The UK alone has 123 showcases
SXSW has trebled in size since 2001

With all that lot bashing away for a week you have to wonder where you start. (If you are Joe from our San Francisco office you snog the singer of Flaming lips - yeeuch!)

The thing is that the whole shebang was set up to showcase new acts to labels and other media so they had a chance of seeing what was good bad or indifferent in a few days. These days though it has become a frantic rush from one venue to another if you are in A&R or a good excuse to get hammered and see some old favorites if you aren't.

I will guarantee you that the best results from this week will not come from a show but from someone schmoozing at the 4 Seasons bar one wild night.

If my experience is anything to go on the only shows the "players" will attend will be at Stubbs or maybe Emo's on the first night and after that they will be in room 701 getting jiggy with a nice gal called Amber from the day- night agency in San Antonio. ($200 / hour plus expenses).

Have you seen who is making news before the event has even kicked off? The Stooges, Pete Townsend and David Byrne. Great artists but hardly unsigned raw talent are they?

It makes me fret when I know how hard people try to make an impact and the promises are all false. The most lucrative part of being there is as a sound tech or bar owner not as part of a wanna be band.

The excitment that once was sxsw is now just a corporate "fuck me over" disguised as a break through opportunity.

Until they get a grip and really get the event back to being for new and unknown bands it will be just another excuse for milking the indie cow until the udders bleed dry. Canadian Music Week is a much better bet these days and you don't need to check your guns at the door or wave the lone star flag to avoid getting killed on your way back East either.

It is such a pity that it has all gone corporate but you know how well informed and unprincipled "the man" is and if you invite him into your boudoir don't be surprised if he rips off your knickers and roots you on the floor. You were ASKING FOR IT now weren't you? (The Defense rests your Honour).

I told you - time and again in my fantastic new book - THE SOUND OF MONEY - but would you listen (or buy it even?) no no no! Why not - well because it's not published until summer but you can pre-order if you like (see I learnt a trick or two from my hours at the Hilton coffee shop).

If you feel disillusioned after sxsw and you haven't made that major breakthrough please feel free to join me at the ADOLF KLEPTINGER CLINIC, COMO, SWITZERLAND, EUROPE where we will be auditioning glockenspiel players on April 12th at 2pm. (Black Tie essential)

Auf Wiedersein

Ranchero

2007-03-12T14:46:00.001-07:00

I had a look at my old posts and it seems I am always going on about being called dude.

I am told this has annoyed a lot of people - well a few people - well a hippy in San Fernando anyway - and my response is this...

SOD OFF AND STOP CALLING ME DUDE, HIPPY!

What can I say. I have resorted to abuse and that's terrible. But once in a while there is no other option.

I know I have mentioned rudeness before but road rudeness is just another aspect to our ever more stressful lives.
So now I am sitting here watching one of those gruesome TV shows about car crashes and dangerous driving and all that kind of thing. It is horrible to see what lunacy is out there on the roads. People die all the time but unexpected death is just awful and its even worse if it's because some idiot thinks he is driving a Nascar on the public highway (for those of us who aren't American this is Formula 1 without the skill or action) and it sort of brings me to the real point of this rant.

Why don't we take any account of how other people feel? Are we really that selfish? God, I hope not.

Surely being selfless or even sympathetic is the core value of music. It is what makes music connect with our heart and souls. Empathy for the devil you may say is actually what works. I mean why else would 90% of songs be about love? It is the universal signifier that we all understand.

In fact did you know that love is as essential as food? Without it we literally shrivel up and die. Sometimes abstract concepts are pretty powerful things you know. Like Mr Lennon said LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

Now that's what I call a neatly squared circle because as you already know John was a total hippy. And that just goes to show - one hippy is a self obsessed wanker and the other is lives in San Fernando - JOKE!

(You already knew what I was going to say so I thought I would just see if you were paying attention.)

Rock N Roll Suicide

2007-03-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

Howdy pop pickers,
well the air in the alps is mighty refreshing. Clanging cowbells and sweet ladies with loads of milk chocolate populate the alpine meadows. I can feel the restorative effects of the fells on my feelings fellows. Fancy that?

This is the life. Lots of wine and fondues under the shadows of the ever melting glaciers. There is not a single musician within a million meters of here - unless you include the idiots on the Matterhorn who keep tooting away on their alpine horns.

BLART BLART BLLOM they honk. Morning noon and night. It's like a nice night at the New York Bowery. Could be a new avenue for Eno to explore. Kindo like that album "UNder heavy manners" he did with David Byrne way back when. In case you never heard it you should. Its genius. It starts off with a track that lists isms. Nihilism, Totalitarianism, Tourism, etc and then it ends up with a great acapella lyric - I AM RESPLENDENT IN DIVERGENCE. (fade out).

Anyhow, the hilltop honkers (not unlike Australias own Hill top Hoods) are diabolically bad. So bad they are good in fact.

Maybe the medicine is getting to me after all.

Better get some air.

Now, how do I get to Mexico City from here. I miss the monoxide.

Relapse

2007-03-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

Just as the heavy weight of responsibilty was lifting I recieve some terrible news. My dear friend TK has been suffering with cancer for the past 6 weeks and is really really sick.

That is a real blow.

T is some kind of music legend in the UK. He founded Cartel (which for those of you who don't know was one of the very first indie distributors anywhere) and Red Rhino. He has been all over the world following his love of music and I know he has made some bad decisions but some better ones and I for one think he is a solid, honest, top bloke.

No one deserves the kind of crap he is suffering right now. NO ONE. So if you do believe in God or some other deity take a second to think about how silly all the fighting and striving for fame really is and send some good vibes out to the sick and infirm today.

I hope it never happens to you or me but the chances are that it will. Question is, when it does will you be able to say that someone you knew through your work really rates you and misses you? If you can't change your life and do it now.

All the rest is just froth and bullshit.

GLOBALISATION

2007-03-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

I just got this on an email

How excellent is this!

Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which

I can relate

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess

Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

Swiss slumbers

2007-03-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

SXSW kicks off again next week and like every year everyone in the industry is gearing up for a week of beer, boppig and blagging. Except me.
I have taken this year off - the cohorts are over there mixing it up with the indie scene kings but I just haven't got it in me this year.
Instead I have been to Zurich to deposit a massive amount of money stolen from bands who are now on food stamps in the mid west town of "yessum Jethro"

After the gnomes took my ill gotten gains into their tiny , but somehow perfectly sculpted vaults I went into the hinterland where I am now ensconced with a cup of Ovaltine. I have booked myself in for 6 months in a Swiss herbalist retreat where i am having intensive treatment for post release depression.
Every day the doctors prescribe herbs and bottles of fresh Madagascan air to help me recover from millions of air miles and only slightly fewer musicians.

It is heavenly.

The only music is the sound of thebirds and the occassional clank of the cow bells on the mountains. Berne is amazing this time of year.

No one has called me dude and the distant glitter of lights on the lake are a tonic for the soul.

This is what music has driven me too.

I may be back.
Then again I may not.

Its nice here in paradise.

You should try it sometime.
Stop worrying and trying so hard.
It will happen if it happens.
If it doesn't so what. have an egg nog and go to bed.

Things will look better in the morning.

NO MORE DEMOS PLEASE

2007-03-08T12:35:00.000-08:00

Thats it.
No more demo's please until further notice.
No Mp3's or website referals or anything.
Thank you

RUDENESS

2007-02-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with music, but why are people so rude?

I have just put an ad on ebay for a sxsw pass and listed it as a Gold pass. Genuine mistake and the blurb that went along with the ad makes it clear that its music only.

First off all someone asked me if they can collect it in cash at the venue! Duh. If I was there I wouldn't be selling the pass would I?

Then another numpty wants to "buy it now" despite the fact they can buy one direct from sxsw at cost immediately anyway - so what's the point in putting it up for auction? Is the whole world on a mission to rip off anyone they can?

Then another says that its too much. SO DON"T BUY IT! What good is that comment?

Now I have another one telling me I am defrauding the public by calling it a Gold pass. Pedant could see what it was all along. I apologised but it is a rather sad state of affairs when even something as simple as this results in threats.

Finally I listed a cryptic ad for potential new band members and got this as a reply,

"I think what you are asking people to do is wank for coins......"

Now that really defeats me. Why bother?

I replied and told the emailer that they were not the chosen one and to have a nice day. Amazingly she replied with this:

" Good luck with finding 'The chosen' : ) "

at last ... civility

So, if anyone wants to spam and abuse please think twice. I have had enough of rude abusive people to last a lifetime. No wonder its all messed up.

Maybe we could start a list of people who are abusive and send them all roses. That might cheer them up (and perhaps the bug that has crawled up their arses would come out and smell the perfume.)

Peace dear reader. Peace to you and Peace off to the obnoxious.

The link to the sxsw ad is on this blog if you read it in time

Dreams and Disasters

2007-02-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

"There are a million things I want to do today. But I'll do none of them."

If you know which album thats from you are a true afficianado of our releases.
I won't be doing the million things because .....

I have had a major bust up with the band about money. (Twas ever thus!)

They told me that I should be ashamed of myself.

Why? Because the money from downloads never arrived with us so we couldn't pass it on to them.

Basic accounting stitch up.

Immediate threats of legal action and that kind of thing.

Replies stating clearly - demonstrably .... NO MONEY FOR US = NONE FOR YOU

Band hates me and thinks I am a thief.

Would rather believe lies told by the guys who actually did them over because the sweet talk them and say Dude every five words.

Dude is not a word it is a ranch.

Crook is a crook in any language.

What can be said by me to counter this belief that I have stolen from the mouths of babies and rendered musicians homeless and destitute?

Bog all is what.

Sometimes it is a shitty business.

Sometimes.

3 am

2007-02-22T04:40:00.000-08:00

3am and the music is pumping out. Vodka in huge amounts being swilled down the throats of two desperate idiots after watching Liverpool beat Barca away.

What has that got to do with music?

Not much, but it goes to show that we are all in the entertainment business now and fighting for the dollars is getting harder.

Consider this my disciples - limited disposable income can be spent on:

Nintendo wii
Sports - eg Liverpool away in Spain
Gigs
CD's
Downloads
Cinema
Your lover
New car / house / horse / pygmy squirrel pet

How are we to make music - live or recorded more desireable?

The old ways are going to have to adapt or like the Dodo music as we know it will die out!

I can't give you an answer but it is an interesting question isn't it?

EMI

2007-02-15T04:42:00.000-08:00

For those of you who read this blog you are no doubt already aware of the disaster that has befalled EMI.

On the day of the BRIT awards Briatians premier music co has announced a profit warning because of downloads and loss of CD sales. (oh and Robbie Williams being useless).

So what? Nothing new there then is there?

Well no. Nothing short of calamity for the majors. But what it does mean for us indie guys is that alhough the monsters of rock are suffering they are also wounded and angry and that doesn't always bode well.

What does that mean? It means that they are going to continue to use their muscle to swam us in all arenas and try to destroy the indie labels as fast as they can.

Buy - Break - Bust

That's the method you use as a cartel to get rid of the opposition and thats exactly what they are doing.

Of course there will be people who come out as winners - I predict that Domino will be worth a fortune soon. But leaving that aside what does it mean for you and me?

Carnage is what.

V2 and Capitol are already merged and the other majors will follow shortly with cost cutting. Acts will get dropped and a lot of publications will go to the wall. I can't see magnet or Spin surviving as published mags when they have Pitchfork and All music Guide to compete with.

There is going to be one hell of a shake out and there will be bodies all over.

Stores are already in the shit and Distro is close behind. Labels are their suppliers and once they go to the wall what will they distribute? Oranges?

For my part I think that US distribution is a joke. They take 25% of sales and penalise you for non sales. Then they say its your fault and you oew them even though they have kept your money for moths in interest accounts and never actually confess where the money has gone. A right royal stich up all round.

So here is my theory for what to do:

Stuff physical distro unless you have an amazing deal.
Only go for Digital
Ignore the press and A&R etc and just gig your ass off.
If you are in the business as a non muso, get a job on the door at the Hollywod Bowl.
become a roadie
or failing all that make a living on the lecture circuit as a cabaret act for businesses that are in flux.

Enjoy the future kids - Who knows what happens tomorrow!!!

Royal Levitation Cult

2007-02-07T13:16:00.000-08:00

Joie Calio has come up with a name for his new band and its amazing:
ROYAL LEVITATION CULT.

They are in the studio right now ( Feb 07) recording their new album.

Joie remains a member of DADA but this new project of his is simply fantastic.

Wait until you hear it.

AS WE ARE HOTTER THAN A STAR

2007-02-07T03:43:00.000-08:00

Oh you gotta love this. AS WE ARE are already a sensation in Aus and I haven't even seen the stage show yet.
I came across them at a rehersal in a studio in Brisbane last year when they were playig silly buggers. Suddenly they are the hottest Brisbane band since the Grates or Powderfinger.
Go figure! Right under my nose and then POW!! Just as soon as I relocated to the UK.
Guess I better get the guys over to America soon so they can see what real rockers look like!

Check these out:

http://www.timeoff.com.au/index1.php?area=News&pg=32&subarea=32&sel=1027

http://www.ravemagazine.com.au/component/option,com_mamblog/Itemid,116/task,

DIGITAL DAYS

2007-02-05T10:50:00.000-08:00

ARE WE IN A MESS IN THIS BUSINESS?

Well. not really.

Are we confussed old men with no idea whats going on. Probably.

Digitals better for artists and indie labels than CD on the whole.

Guess so 'cos its cheaper but the downsideis that it sounds like crap.

(That's real old man talk - no tune - wheres the melody? etc)

Actually its pretty good to listen to in the car as rule and with the new HD and Satellite channels coming to life its all vibrancy and madness out there.

In the UK, despite the recent collapse of Music Zone and Tower we are still in there fighting. Trouble is that so is everyone else. Its what they call lowering the barriers to entry.

That has a knock on effect which is that you need even more cash to make a noise using traditional methods. WE all have to think differntly.

Turns out Fopp have bought Music Zone so maybe they wil be better stores than before. That takes them from about 50 stores to over 150. No mean feat in one move. And it just shows that there are opportunities out there. You need to grab them whilst you can. WELL DONE FOPP!

So, Listen you other retailers (HMV, VIRGIN ETC) - Stop being so damn retro and get into the new world. Place user friendly download portals in every shop. Fill the pace with Apple Macs and make it look cool. Take a tip from the phone shops and give the consumer extra. The old listening booths would be a good start - headphones make you look dorkey unless they are worn as a fashion statment and the kids with $200 hair cuts will not wear them - oh and you get nits!

Up the game and stop trying to shortchange us all. Add massive stocks that are representative of music and not just Universal's A&R department. You get them on sale or return anyway so enough with the crap that you have no space. Use it better!

Here is my top retail tip - more free sex for all. Works everywhere else. What the hell is sexy about shopping for CD's? BOG ALL THATS WHAT!

In fact that's the key. Bands should offer to shag all the audience instead of the audience lusting after the bands.

Anyone out there got anything to say?

BRIT AWARDS

2007-01-17T05:05:00.000-08:00

HERE THEY ARE AND SOME A GREAT

SOME OF COURSE ARE UTTER SHIT!

YOU CHOOSE

British Male Solo Artist

James Morrison Polydor/Universal Music

Jarvis Cocker Rough Trade/Sanctuary

Lemar White Rabbit/Sony BMG

Paolo Nutini Atlantic/Warner Music

Thom Yorke XL Recordings/Beggars Group

British Female Solo Artist

Amy Winehouse Island/Universal Music

Corinne Bailey Rae EMI/EMI Music

Jamelia Parlophone/EMI Music

Lily Allen Regal Recordings/EMI Music

Nerina Pallot 14th Floor/Warner Music

British Group
Arctic Monkeys Domino Recordings/Domino Recordings
Kasabian Columbia/Sony BMG
Muse Helium 3/Warner Bros/Warner Music
Razorlight Vertigo/Universal Music
Snow Patrol Fiction/Universal Music
MasterCard British Album
Amy Winehouse Back to BlackIsland/Universal Music
Arctic Monkeys Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m notDomino Recordings/Domino Recordings
Lily Allen Alright StillRegal Recordings/EMI Music
Muse Black Holes & RevelationsHelium 3/Warner Bros/Warner Music
Snow Patrol Eyes OpenFiction/Universal Music

British Single
5 nominees decided by commercial radio hit40uk and The A List listeners. Winner chosen by radio and TV viewing audience live on show night

Corinne Bailey Rae Put your records onEMI/EMI Music
The Feeling Fill my little worldIsland/Universal Music
James Morrison You give me somethingPolydor/Universal Music
Kooks She moves in her own wayVirgin/EMI Music
Leona Lewis A moment like thisSony BMG
Lily Allen SmileRegal Recordings/EMI Music
Razorlight AmericaVertigo/Universal Music
Sandi Thom I wish I was a punk rockerSony BMG
Snow Patrol Chasing carsFiction/Universal Music
Take That PatiencePolydor/Universal Music
Will Young All time love19

British Breakthrough Act
Winner chosen by Radio 1 listeners

Corinne Bailey Rae EMI/EMI Music
Fratellis Island/Universal Music
James Morrison Polydor/Universal Music
Kooks Virgin/EMI Music
Lily Allen Regal Recordings/EMI Music

British Live Act
Nominees chosen by a panel of experts in association with The Live Music Forum. Winner chosen by Radio 2 listeners

George Michael Sony BMG
Guillemots Polydor/Universal Music
Kasabian Columbia/Sony BMG
Muse Helium 3/Warner Bros/Warner Music
Robbie Williams Chrysalis/EMI Music
International Male Solo Artist
Beck Interscope/Universal Music
Bob Dylan Columbia/Sony BMG
Damien Rice 14th Floor/Warner Music
Jack Johnson Brushfire/Island/Universal Music
Justin Timberlake Jive/Sony BMG
International Female Solo Artist
Beyonce Columbia/Sony BMG
Cat Power Matador/Beggars Group
Christina Aguilera RCA/Sony BMG
Nelly Furtado Geffen/Universal Music
P!nk LaFace/Sony BMG
International Group
Flaming Lips Warner Bros/Warner Music
Gnarls Barkley Warner Bros/Warner Music
Killers Mercury/Universal Music
Red Hot Chili Peppers Warner Bros/Warner Music
Scissor Sisters Polydor/Universal Music
International Album
Bob Dylan Modern TimesColumbia/Sony BMG
Gnarls Barkley St ElsewhereWarner Bros/Warner Music
Justin Timberlake FutureSex/LoveSoundsJive/Sony BMG
Killers Sam’s TownMercury/Universal Music
Scissor Sisters Ta DahPolydor/Universal Music

International BreakthroughAct
Winner chosen by MTV Spanking New Music viewers

Gnarls Barkley Warner Bros/Warner Music
Orson Mercury/Universal Music
Raconteurs XL Recordings/Beggars Group
Ray Lamontagne 14th Floor/Warner Music
Wolfmother Island/Modular/Universal Music
Outstanding Contribution to music
Oasis Big Brother

Free Bumper stickers for SXSW attendees

2007-01-05T04:04:00.000-08:00

Free Bumper stickers for SXSW attendees just get in touch whilst we are there.

Predictions for 2007

2007-01-04T03:31:00.000-08:00

WELCOME TO 2007!

So what do we expect from this year?

as ever here are a few predictions to whet your appetite and annoy your neighbours.

1. The Democrats will make no real difference to the corruption that has taken over the hill.
2. I will buy a dog to replace my beloved old mutt who passed away in December.
3. There will be a lot of hype about Mika and probably a few hits but then he will become a fixture on Celebrity Big Loser.
4. Donald Trump will declare bald to be the new rich and Lindsey Lohan will shave her head.
5. Britney will OD and leave a lasting legacy of superlative tunes and a small oily stain on Paris Hiltons shoes.
6. Wolfmother will conquer the USA
7. There will be a big protest somewhere everyweek about something.
8. Global warming will end and we will all freeze in February.
9. Global Warming will begin again and we will all get heatstroke in summer.
10. Medical investments will prove profitable
11. You will buy shoes
12. A trully crap song will make the No1 slot in the UK on downloads alone. - Crazy frog anyone?
13. Germany will produce a global megastar called Adolf
14. France will not.
15. Shane Warne will become my best mate and run away with my wife in early August.
16. I will finally become famous with my own colum in the News of the World.

2006-12-30T03:01:00.000-08:00

Superstar

Glovebox - the track that made it onto the Top 10 of Logo TV this year.

2006-12-30T03:00:00.000-08:00

licker licence

GLOVEBOX TV AD

2006-12-30T02:59:00.001-08:00

Story of

From The debut Heavenly States album

2006-12-30T02:59:00.000-08:00

ossama bin lozenge

THE HEAVENLY STATES

2006-12-30T02:58:00.000-08:00

newhall

A great track taken from the Bedroom Walls CD - ALL GOOD DREAMERS. The full HD clip is on the album!

2006-12-30T02:57:00.000-08:00

Now the Sun is Out

Greg Johnson

LILY ALLEN and free tickets

2006-12-14T07:59:00.000-08:00

Well its good to see that the Heavenlies are back in the swing of things. After their enormous ssecret show in Seattle last weekend the secret is out.

The sites has been pummelled with loads of new hits and people seeking after truth so if you are keen on knowing what's going on stay tuned.

Just to prove what a global and excellent bunch we are as well you can get free tickets to the Greg Johnson show in London on Dec 20th 2006 if you email us with your name. That offer is open until we run out of seats so get a big gang togther and put yourselves on the list.

It is an early show so you can get hammered in the pub afterwards as well.

ROCK ON CHRISTMAS I SAY!

JOIE CALIO SIGNS WITH BARIA

2006-11-10T05:53:00.000-08:00

We are delighted to announce that JOIE CALIO (he of DADA) has just signed a deal with us for his new album!

Joie is set to release a new album on the label in early 2007 and we just can't wait!

Watch out for the killer track Habit forming at radio in the New Year.

It just keeps getting better and better.

GO INDIE!

NEWS FROM THE UK

2006-11-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

Baria Records, home to artists such as The Lovemakers, Cloud Cult, Greg Johnson, Bedroom Walls, The Heavenly States, Glovebox, Women in Docs etc have relocated their main headquarters to England. To celebrate the move a one off sold out concert by New Zealands No1 act - GREG JOHNSON- has been announced at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London for DEC 20th.

INGERLAND

2006-10-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

to the tune of "look good on the dance floor" Arctic Monkeys

Back in the arms of my homeland and the weather is holding up.
Got away from Australia but am I missing the place?

Not much

Ready to work with whoever
from where ever they may come
I'm already fatter
can you see the size of my bum?

I bet that you look good on the dance floor

STOP THE MUSIC NOW!

I don't.

And I can't write songs either

Thats why I work behind the scenes.

I can add up though so thats a bonus.

Anyone in England want to get a record deal or can you all do it on your own?

:)

FREE VINYL

2006-07-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

Hey there

for all you Dj's and groovers we have a very very limited number of free 12' vinyl singles of superstar and In the end to give away.

Email us a street address and you get one.

This offer lasts until we run out so be quick

GUESS WHAT WE HAVE RUN OUT OF VINYL BUT THANKS ANYWAY SEPT 20th 06

RINGTONES FOR YOU

2006-06-15T21:13:00.000-07:00

HEY THERE

There are tons of ringtones for you to download at this site:

http://baria.mstore.xingtone.com

Not only the baria bands but Top 40 hits like Gnarles barkley and loads of others check it out

TRIP WIRE LOVES WALLS SO DOES ALL MUSIC GUIDE

2006-06-06T17:46:00.001-07:00

May 2006

Bedroom Walls
All Good Dreamers Pass This Way

by Bret Love

If Elliott Smith were still alive and decided to get together and jam with Neutral Milk Hotel, the results might sound a lot like this self-described "romanticore" quintet. Based in Los Angeles, Bedroom Walls crafts dreamy, bittersweet songs that balance a knack for catchy indie pop melodies with a deeply rooted fondness for melancholy moods that recall experimental bands ranging from early Pink Floyd and Talk Talk to Sigur Rós. "You say you've laughed enough/Your closet's stuffed with last year's blues/But you know by summertime/Your suicide's just last year's news," frontman Adam Goldman sings in his airy, high-pitched tenor on the opening "In Anticipation of Your Suicide," and it's difficult not to hear Smith's ghost in lyrics about "records always spinning clues you know you want all to know." It's a haunting beginning to an impressively ambitious album that draws you in immediately and completely captivates from start to finish. Horns, retro organs, vibraphones, glockenspiels, strings, and barely ambient noises all find their place in the band's lushly arranged patchwork of sound. They make fabulous use of dynamics to maximize the emotional impact of a song like "Six Weeks in the Imperial Garden," which veers from passages of aching minimalist beauty to monolithic riffs that lumber and roar, while "Mandy" is a sweet ballad with folk roots and the string-laden "Hello, Mrs. Jones" is a beautifully bizarre rumination on young love. Every track here is positively delightful, but it doesn't get any better than the closing "If the Storm Breaks and You're at Home," a stripped-down acoustic number that sounds like Bright Eyes covering a Damien Rice tune, with Goldman and Melissa Thorne's gorgeously sad harmonies sounding like the wistful angels that must come to visit you as you drift off into a narcotic-fueled endless slumber. All in all, All Good Dreamers Pass This Way is a strange, sensational record that will captivate you from the first listen.

Bedroom WallsAll Good Dreamers Pass This Way(Baria Records) I remember driving down the 405 on my first trip to Los Angeles two years ago. I thought I'd get off theplane, get in a convertible, drive down the highway to a mansion in Malibu, eat a great meal by the pool, and then take a walk down to the beach where I'd be greeted by gorgeous women playing Frisbee or surfing.Well, it was somewhat true. It involved a lot of traffic, smog, and a magical place that the kids on the West Coast called "In 'N Out Burger." The best part of the first two hours of my first visit to Los Angeles was notthe coffee I spilled on my friend Heidi's white dress. It was hearing Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse's voice for the first time. He was creepy and beautiful and sounded like he was whispering in my ear. The musicsounded like it was playing in my head and not on the car speakers. I loved Sparklehorse, but because it scared me. Since then, I have always wanted to hear a Sparklehorse-sounding band that had that samewhisper effect on me, but didn't put me in the psychological funk that Linkous had to power to do. Enter the LA band Bedroom Walls. Adam Goldman, the band's lead singer, sounds similar to Linkous. Theband describes their sound as "Romanticore" and their sophomore album, All Good Dreamers Pass This Way, is a grand orchestral whisper that will live in your head, not in your speakers. There are many bands that overuse such non-imperative instruments like xylophones, hand-claps, and cellos.This is not one of those bands. The horn stabs, the twinkling of the xylophones, and the crispness of the cello all seem as natural as if the songs were written around the small details instead of vice versa. The albumchanges from the Big Star of "Who's Been Driving Round For Days" to the Bach/"Street Hassle" intro of "Somewhere In Newhall" to the Simon and Garfunkel intimacy of "If The Storm Breaks And You're AtHome." The songwriting lags a little bit in the middle of this album, but it stays strong enough as to not lose theattention of the listener. There is enough classically infused string parts and twists and turns throughout All Good Dreamers Pass This Way to make you almost more interested in where the song is going and not whereit's been. This album instantly reminded me of my fear and obsession with Sparklehorse and for that I admire it. Although now that I've heard it, I know that the essence of having that kind of voice only works underevil. The pop-infused "plays in your head, not in your speakers" aesthetic that I longed for might not be what I was looking for after all. By Jeffrey Thrope May 10, 2006

TRIP WIRE LOVES WALLS SO DOES ALL MUSIC GUIDE

2006-06-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

GETTING OUR RECORDS EASILY

2006-06-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

I have been bombarded this week by people asking for the new records.
WHERE CAN WE BUY GREG OR WALLS OR DOCS?

Well I have no idea why it is so hard to get it from shops so if they don't help try this link

cdbaby.com/all/euge

or failing that just email us and we will get you the paypal accounts to buy any record you want.

They will all go live on itunes and all the other sites over the next week so be sure to log on and try. We are having a fight to get them posted in time.

ROLIING STONE DOCS REVIEW

2006-05-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

WOMEN IN DOCS LIVE

2006-05-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

STH EAST QLD ALBUM LAUNCH CONCERTS
Friday 26 May, Nambour Civic Theatre, Centenary Place,
Currie St, Nambour, QLD. Tickets “Dial N Charge” 5475
7777, with Rebecca Wright, $20 / $18, 8 pm.

Sat 17 June, The Round House Theatre, 6 – 8 Musk Ave, Kelvin
Grove. 2 BIG shows. 3 pm and 7 pm.
Tickets: Family Tickets: $50 (2 adults, 2 kids up to 15,
kids under 8 free) Adult: $25 Conc: $18 (Health Care Card,
Students), Senior: $15
+ booking fee. www.qtix.com.au or 136 246

12/06/06 V The Cantab Lounge
738 Mass Ave, Massachussetts
13/06/06 M Sonicbids (Electronic Press Kit provider)

International Music Network, Booking Agency

14/06/06 V The Iron Horse, Northampton Massachussets

15/06/06 V The Java Hut
1073A Main St
Worcestor MA 01603

16/06/06 V Club Passim
47 Palmer ST
Cambridge MA

17/06/06 V Acoustic Café
Connecticut

18/06/06 V Sono Caffiene Café
133 Washington St
Sth Norwalk

19/06/06 V The Space
295 Treadwell St
Hamden CT

22/06/06 F Forksville Folk Festival
Sullivan Country PA

27/06/06 V NXNW

30/06/06 –4/07/06 V Shows in New York City

7/07/06 – 9/7/06 V Shows in Portland Oregan;

10/07/06 Travel day to San Fran.

11/07/06 V Weinweist Gallery, San Francisco

12/07/06 M *Meeting with American office – Baria Records

*Drive to California World Music Fest
13/07/06 –17/7/06 F California World Music Fest Grass Valley, CA

18/07/06 V Coffee Gallery, LA

21/07/06 –23/7/06 F Vancouver Islands Folk Fest, Canada

26/07/06 V Momo’s

27/07/06 V Georgetown House Concert

28/7/06 V Show with Col Brooks (local texan)

29/07/06 V Bonedoc House Concert
Richardson, TX

30/07/06 –1/08/06 M Meetings set up at 2005’s Folk Alliance in TX

2/08/06 V Momo’s

3/08/06 Travel day to Canada

4 – 6/08/06 F Canmore Folk Festival, Canmore Canada

7-9/8/06 V Bookings by Speak Music

10-13/08/6 F Edmonton Folk Festival
Edmonton Canada

14/08/06 Travel home to Australia

INDONESIA and farewell Jason

2006-05-15T23:30:00.000-07:00

Greetings all

someone out there is reading for certain.
It is the truth dude!

Why - well because we got abooking for 5 shows in Indonesia for Glovebox. How we don't know but there they are. Libya one year and Indonesia the next.

Happy with that.

Bummer news is that Jason has decided to quit the LOVEMAKERS. Shame. We go back - way back and its not going to be the same without him.

Too many groupies have worn him out

adios buddy.

GLOVEBOX ARE COMING HOME

2006-05-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

MTV SUPERSTAR GLOVEBOX

2006-05-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

We have some very exciting news to report!

“Superstar” has received airplay on MTV Latin America!

This is an absolute huge addition to the campaign (MTV Latin America reaches 35 million potential viewers in the US and 17 South American countries!) and really helps to continue to bring this band to the next level. Xavier Campos, head programmer at MTV Latin America, is always a very big supporter of pushing new and deserving artists to the forefront and we are very excited that he has embraced “Superstar”.

We have some other terrific regional outlets that have included “Superstar” in their recent programming. Video Vision, which is based out of San Francisco, CA, and reaches 1.7 million potential viewers on cable, has included the video on their most recent playlist. Catherine Lee features the best videos on her weekly show in one of the biggest markets in the country. This is another strong add for the campaign and all the young, CD buying kids in San Francisco tune in to this show religiously on a weekly basis. We have also secured airplay for “Superstar” on M Squared, which is based in Long Branch, NJ. Transmitting from Monmouth University, M Squared is seen every day on campus, and weekly in the surrounding towns, reaching 175,000 potential viewers. Also, Cutting Edge, in Dayton, OH, has included the video on their show. Cutting Edge is a very popular indie rock show in the area, thanks to the large college population, and has an audience of 50,000 potential viewers.
The popular internet television network, Music Plus TV, has added the video to their online rotation. Music Plus TV is an all inclusive music network that features videos, reviews, interviews, and much more covering all things music. They currently have a registered database of 250,000 with that number growing daily. This is another terrific internet outlet to embrace Glovebox!

HEAVENLY STATES LIVE DATES

2006-05-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

Wed 5/24/06 Sacramento, CA The Library
Thu 5/25/06 Portland, OR Towne Lounge
Fri 5/26/06 Bellingham, WA The Nightlight Sun 5/28/06 George, WA Sasquatch Music Festival
Wed 5/31/06 San Francisco, CA Café Du Nord
Thu 6/8/06 Bozeman, MT Zebra Coctail Lounge
Fri 6/9/06 Fargo, ND Aquarium
Sat 6/10/06 St Paul, MN Turf Club
Mon 6/12/06 Dubuque, IA Busted Lift
Thu 6/15/06 Madison, WI Slipper Club
Fri 6/16/06 Chicago, IL The Hideout
Sun 6/18/06 Cleveland, OH CMJ Rock Hall Music Festival
Mon 6/19/06 Columbus, OH Little Brothers
Fri 6/23/06 Denver, CO Blender's Tavern

CLOUD CULT live shows

2006-05-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY MAY 12
The Crocodile Café
VENUE INFORMATION 2200 2nd Avenue Seattle, WA 98121
Local Support Monqui

SATURDAY MAY 13
Doug Fir Lounge
VENUE INFORMATION 830 E. Burnside St. Doors Open: 8:00 PM

Sunday May 14
Sam Bond's Garage
VENUE INFORMATION 407 Blair BlvdEugene, OR

Tuesday MAy 16
Makeout Room
VENUE INFORMATION 3225 22nd Street San Francisco, CA 94110

Wednesday May 17
Kilby Court Gallery
VENUE INFORMATION 741 S. Kilby Court Salt Lake City, UT 84101

Thursday May 18
Cervantes Masterpiece Ballroom
VENUE INFORMATION 2637 Welton Street Denver, CO 80205

Friday May 19th
O' Leaver's 1322 Saddle Creek Road Omaha, NE 68106

Saturday May 20th
Varsity Theater 1308 4th Street SE Minneapolis, MN 55414

Tuesday July 4th
Taste of Minnesota Harriet Island St. Paul, MN

Saturday July 15th
Green Man Music Festival
VENUE INFORMATION Monteulac Ski Area Duluth, MN Ph: (218) 393-6383

Friday July 28th
Hedgpeth Festival Festival Grounds
2305 W. Lance Drive Twin Lakes, WI 53181
Advance TICKET INFORMATION Brentwood, TN 37027Ph: (615) 370-6015

GREG JOHNSON LIVE

2006-05-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

Greg is getting a new US tour together to follow on from his forthcoming sell out of New Zealand

Check hime out that these venues and dates:

6/6 6/8 Boston: appearing on Roots Rock Live TV, WXRV morning show and live show at The Paradise on 6/8
6/9 Portland and Ogunquit, ME Radio appearance and live concert
6/10 Chicago
6/12 Columbus, OH WCBE Radio appearance and performance
6/12 Cincinnati, OH WNKU Radio show (evening)
6/13 Lexington, KY WUKY radio appearance and performance
6/14 Nashville, TN
6/15 Nashville, TN

Save Yourself has over 500 spins to date on WBOS, WXRV and WRNX.

New single Its Been So Long going for radio week of 5/22

BEDROOM WALLS LIVE

2006-05-14T16:33:00.000-07:00

With the upcoming release of the BEDROOM WALLS ALBUM I thought you might like to see the guys live and direct.

BEDROOM WALLS have a month long residency at THE FOLD every Tuesdays
except July 4th until the First of August in Los Angeles.

Other dates are:
Bedroom Walls:
5/23/06 - Boston, MA @ TT The Bears
5/24/06 - New York, NY @ Mercury Lounge
5/30/06 - Los Angeles, CA @ Troubadour
6/29/06 - Los Angeles, CA @ Amoeba *in-store performance

More are coming all the time.

We are writing a book!

2006-05-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

It is true.

I am writing a book about the music business.

So far the title is : Ego versus Emo

Or

I hate the radio. Why don’t they play decent music anymore

I thought I would throw an unedited snippet on the blog this week as I haven't been able to add to the rest of the rubbish I usually write.

Advance order being taken - free if you want one for now. Loads of $ when its a real tome.

"When you do go to a convention - having parted with a few hundred dollars and probably a few thousand more on air fares and hotel rooms and meet the great and powerful I think you might be surprised at how many of them wear Hawaiian shirts.

An amazing amount of really key guys in the music business (and it is almost always guys) are getting on in years and have obviously had a few too many power breakfasts. I genuinely think that most of them are committed and really believe in what they are saying but the reality on the ground is very different from the reality in the boardroom.

The biggest problem facing anyone from Gen X or younger these days is that the boomers will not just fuck off and die. They hang in there with their Woodstock jargon and big pensions and desperately try to defend themselves from the future. I don’t blame them but if they had any sense at all they would all have retired years ago and left music to their kids. Instead we are force fed the same snoring songs.

Bob Dylan has been given his own show on XM satellite radio.

Why?

Because he is a known name that the boomers identify with. If you are younger than 40 you might never have heard of him and why would you.

It is time to retire fossils!

I should know. I am rapidly catching up and I am so cranky it’s hard to relate to some new music. If I was in charge of the radio I would play Stone Roses back to back man. (Not really but you get the idea)."

This is why you get hassled travelling

2006-05-08T21:19:00.000-07:00

A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.

A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.
He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? Etc.

Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.

Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said. A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.

beer and buddies

2006-05-07T20:27:00.000-07:00

Drinking partners

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth
Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African
and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we Have
so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with
the same ones twice."

Moving Home

2006-05-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Thanks for tuning in to the latest blog.

It has been and wll be a mad time for us here as we are moving our entire world around. Literally.

The thing is that we are moving to London in August.

Phew - we can't go any further without coming back!

Everyone who knows keeps saying why and the truth is that we can't survive another day in paradise.

The sunny days and endless parties in Australia are just too much.
We need to get back to the gritty urban reality that is England. Home of the Streets and Lady Sovereign.

If its good enough for Mike Skinner its good enough for us.

That and the fact that James Bond lives there will do us.

So if you want to send any demo's make it quick because we won't be here for long!

Actually whilkst we are talking about this the San Landro office is open now so there is a real American love god in charge of stuff on the West Coast. ask joe@bariarecords.com what is happening and he will tell you he has no idea but at lest you can find out what the weather is like in lovely California.

laters

LOGO TV

2006-05-07T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hey there

want to make a hit happen?

go here and vote for the superstar vieo to be played please

http://www.logoonline.com/shows/dyn/the_click_list/video_voting.jhtml

copy us in on your vote for a freebie!

freee music in your home - free stuff

2006-05-07T19:40:00.000-07:00

G'day and thank you for joining us in our quest for fun

If you are in the US and would like to see any of our bands please just have a little dig through the site and find the Glovebox door hanger.
Then email or fax it to us for a free pass to the gig of your choice.

If you are in a city where our bands are about to play and can arrange a few friends to come over we will try to get the guys to play a private show at your house.

If the guys aren't coming to your home town this time that's no reason to feel sad.

If you want a private showcase at a venue of your choice - ASK US! - Don't be shy. You never know.

If you can't make it to a show no problems you won't be left out.

We have some stickers and even some Cd's to give away to lucky winners who gets in touch with us and sends us a postal address.

All you have to do is let us know where you want the goodies and we will pop them in the post.

If you don't want to divulge the address to your secret HQ we can't send you the stuff but we totally get where you are coming from. Who needs more spam!

Now get out there and party

glovebox tour diary

2006-05-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

Hello to all around the World!

Hope this mail finds you all well & am now in Boulder Colorado USA. It's
a sunny morning here in Boulder & enjoying a couple of days rest before
our next trip across & to the east coast of the USA.

The past week has proved to be an adventure! We travelled from San
Francisco to Portland and we couldn't wait to get out of the car after a
12 hour trip & 600 miles. "Music Millennium"
http://www.musicmillennium.com/ in Portland were the first to experience
the grooves of Glovebox followed by a night time performance at the
Holocene Bar - http://www.holocene.org/ Both gigs were sensational & the
people of Portland certainly were intrigued by the sounds of Glovebox. We
were fortunate to perform with Portland's infamous band "Climber".

Moving up to cold rainy Seattle we made our way to "Silver Platters"
http://www.silverplatters.com/ record store & performed an afternoon gig
followed by a night time performance at the "High Dive Bar".
http://highdiveseattle.com/ Again the night was a blast!

Into middle America we headed & Boise Idaho was the first to experience
Glovebox, the Big Easy Concert Hall http://www.bigeasyconcerts.com/
accomodated in excess of 500 people who grooved to the new sound in town.
Onto Salt Lake City Utah the Ego bar http://www.clubegos.com/ was this
groovy little bar down-town packed out with groovy people. We headed to
beautiful Aspen Colorado and the Belly Up Bar
http://www.bellyupaspen.com/home.html welcomed us into there great cool
bar normally filled with infamous people - during the winter season!
Finished the week by playing at the Trilogy Bar in Boulder - the coolest
bar in town owned by triplets! We supported infamous band "Fragga"
http://trilogywinebar.com/

Till next time,