I am delighted to say that we are now ready to launch two new records into America.
We have Women in Dosc and BEdroom Walls ready and willing to go!
Excellent!
Better tell you about them I guess.
Women in Docs are very funny and talented ladies from outer Queensland - Australia. In case you didn't know that is further than Mongolia if youlive on the East Coast.
Their stuff is always entertaining and they sing about stuff like suprmarkets and going to Nashville to be stars. In our eyes they are already there.
Then there are the romanticore dreamers in Bedroom Walls. This is music to shag your lover by and then have an illicit afterwards smoke.
What do they have in common - well ostensibly not much but in reality there is something other than great music that joins them together.
It's not friendship, hatred or idiology, superglue or roots.
The thing that keep us togther is Doctor Martins Boots!
(with apologies to Alexei sayle)
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
manipulation
Right now we are engaged in a big think- tank effort to try and break through the walls of inertia that surround us.
What the hell am I talking about?
Well, you guessed it - viral marketing.
The way things are at the moment we have reached our saturation point in terms of advertisng and all that sort of thing.
The hardest way to get people to listen is to shout and although we have been really nice to everyone they have pretty much given us the run around. So we decided to shout it out from the rooftops.
The trouble was that we can't afford to tip the bellboy that guards the elevator. So no matter how hard we try he won't open the doors for us.
It is all about making friends and that is no easy thing when you live a million miles away and no one ever gets in touch. They call it the tyrany of distance is Australia and they are right. When we get in to work Europe is in bed and East coast cities are all done with the day. California is still awake but that is sometime not a good thing. (IF one more person calls me dude! I haven't even got a ranch.)
Anyhow, here is the state of play. We are trying to figure out how to involve people in the bands we have and get them to give them a chance.
We have asked everyone we can think of and they all say the same damn thing - marketing - but what the #### is that?
What we need to do is to get the message out there that these guys are really different. Idiosyncratic, quirkky, great.
But how do we get past the fact that the entire world is permanetly worn out from adverts and other companies extoling the same thing?
We have a few ideas but to get them we nearly ruptured a blood vessel.
It isn't about trying to manipulate the minds of the public. It is about manipulating the minds of the gate keepers. If they don't let you get in that elevator and make it to the top of the towere you have no chance of ever being heard. What a pin in the proverbial. Somehow we have allowed ourselves to become sheep who only listen to the shepherd.
Trouble is the shepherd is really a voracious wolf who is in business with the abbatoir!
(sorry about the mixed metaphors there!)
Oh bugger it!
Look will you please just go out and buy one or two of our records please.
What the hell am I talking about?
Well, you guessed it - viral marketing.
The way things are at the moment we have reached our saturation point in terms of advertisng and all that sort of thing.
The hardest way to get people to listen is to shout and although we have been really nice to everyone they have pretty much given us the run around. So we decided to shout it out from the rooftops.
The trouble was that we can't afford to tip the bellboy that guards the elevator. So no matter how hard we try he won't open the doors for us.
It is all about making friends and that is no easy thing when you live a million miles away and no one ever gets in touch. They call it the tyrany of distance is Australia and they are right. When we get in to work Europe is in bed and East coast cities are all done with the day. California is still awake but that is sometime not a good thing. (IF one more person calls me dude! I haven't even got a ranch.)
Anyhow, here is the state of play. We are trying to figure out how to involve people in the bands we have and get them to give them a chance.
We have asked everyone we can think of and they all say the same damn thing - marketing - but what the #### is that?
What we need to do is to get the message out there that these guys are really different. Idiosyncratic, quirkky, great.
But how do we get past the fact that the entire world is permanetly worn out from adverts and other companies extoling the same thing?
We have a few ideas but to get them we nearly ruptured a blood vessel.
It isn't about trying to manipulate the minds of the public. It is about manipulating the minds of the gate keepers. If they don't let you get in that elevator and make it to the top of the towere you have no chance of ever being heard. What a pin in the proverbial. Somehow we have allowed ourselves to become sheep who only listen to the shepherd.
Trouble is the shepherd is really a voracious wolf who is in business with the abbatoir!
(sorry about the mixed metaphors there!)
Oh bugger it!
Look will you please just go out and buy one or two of our records please.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Talking
Part of being in this business. In fact 99% of being in this business is talking.
The rest is just the gasps between saying something else.
I sometimes wonder if anyone who works in this business ever actually listens to anything at all.
Not just music, but what other people actually say.
We are all supposed to be lover of great music or eclectic music or any music for that matter but recently there seems to have been a lot of gas expended about digital this and that and very little about music itself.
The message has been eaten by the messenger and now we await the explosion that will come when it finally gets expelled.
Take for example SONY, who have just annouced that their main focus is the pod buster.
Now I know I don't run a billion dollar business but I can tell you that Microsoft are making money and GM aren't. Why? Content thats why . Not hardware but software.
Radio is the same. No songs = no listeners - no advertisers -no money -no radio.
When will they ever learn?
Down here in Aus ther aren't even any music shows on TV worth the name - unless you include Idol - which is what most of the people on it were before and since it screened - idle.
And they wonder why kids are bored.
You can't aspire to being a movie star if you are ugly, or a house doctor if you are clueless or even a crime fighter if you get caught stealing cars. But you can be a pop star. Thats why it will never die. It is truly a meritocrasy and no matter what Clear Channel. little Jimmy packer or Rupe "the dupe" Murdoch does about it talent will win out in the end.
Ask Nostradamus if you don't believe me.
The rest is just the gasps between saying something else.
I sometimes wonder if anyone who works in this business ever actually listens to anything at all.
Not just music, but what other people actually say.
We are all supposed to be lover of great music or eclectic music or any music for that matter but recently there seems to have been a lot of gas expended about digital this and that and very little about music itself.
The message has been eaten by the messenger and now we await the explosion that will come when it finally gets expelled.
Take for example SONY, who have just annouced that their main focus is the pod buster.
Now I know I don't run a billion dollar business but I can tell you that Microsoft are making money and GM aren't. Why? Content thats why . Not hardware but software.
Radio is the same. No songs = no listeners - no advertisers -no money -no radio.
When will they ever learn?
Down here in Aus ther aren't even any music shows on TV worth the name - unless you include Idol - which is what most of the people on it were before and since it screened - idle.
And they wonder why kids are bored.
You can't aspire to being a movie star if you are ugly, or a house doctor if you are clueless or even a crime fighter if you get caught stealing cars. But you can be a pop star. Thats why it will never die. It is truly a meritocrasy and no matter what Clear Channel. little Jimmy packer or Rupe "the dupe" Murdoch does about it talent will win out in the end.
Ask Nostradamus if you don't believe me.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
super happy funland
Have any of you ever heard of super happy fun land?
Check it out if you haven't - some weird place in Texas that our guys visit occassionally.
As we are booking tours right now I thought it might be anice thing to do to give a few of you some hints on where to look if you are trying to book a tour in the US.
try these:
Venues
Eagle Tavern - San Francisco
Spaceland - LA
Super Happy Funland - TX
Antoines - Austin
Blue Bar - Las Vegas
The Independent - San Francisco
Berts Tiki Lounge - Arizona
Key Club - Los Angeles
That should get you started.
Tell us if you get a show anywhere. Who knows someone might show up.
Check it out if you haven't - some weird place in Texas that our guys visit occassionally.
As we are booking tours right now I thought it might be anice thing to do to give a few of you some hints on where to look if you are trying to book a tour in the US.
try these:
Venues
Eagle Tavern - San Francisco
Spaceland - LA
Super Happy Funland - TX
Antoines - Austin
Blue Bar - Las Vegas
The Independent - San Francisco
Berts Tiki Lounge - Arizona
Key Club - Los Angeles
That should get you started.
Tell us if you get a show anywhere. Who knows someone might show up.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
weird and wonderful
Here are a few questions or two for you.
I was in a store the other day and saw a couple who were deaf. Weird that they were in a record shop but who am I to judge?
Anyway there they were chatting away in sign language when suddenly the lady started waving her arms about. The guy replied and suddenly it was like being under a line of propellors. They were arguing in sign language! WOW now that was a sight to see.
So the first question is this: Do you get deaf people with Terrets syndrome?
Next
We have had all sorts of problems working the states since the patriot act came in. Photo's and scans and all sorts of extra security but my question is this
Do Astronauts need to carry a passport and make a declaration to customs? If not why not? They used to make us answer stupid stuff like were you ever a nazi - like anyone would say yes!
Last
If you have only one arm and your belt snaps when you are out on the town how do you flag down a cab?
I will leave you with that.
I was in a store the other day and saw a couple who were deaf. Weird that they were in a record shop but who am I to judge?
Anyway there they were chatting away in sign language when suddenly the lady started waving her arms about. The guy replied and suddenly it was like being under a line of propellors. They were arguing in sign language! WOW now that was a sight to see.
So the first question is this: Do you get deaf people with Terrets syndrome?
Next
We have had all sorts of problems working the states since the patriot act came in. Photo's and scans and all sorts of extra security but my question is this
Do Astronauts need to carry a passport and make a declaration to customs? If not why not? They used to make us answer stupid stuff like were you ever a nazi - like anyone would say yes!
Last
If you have only one arm and your belt snaps when you are out on the town how do you flag down a cab?
I will leave you with that.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Movie stardom
Last week was a whirlwind.
We have been pressing up thousands of records in the states. Vinyl remixes on 12" and three differnt albums. Phone calls to pluggers, PR agents, retail managers, bookers, insiders and new people that we hope to do business with. All exciting stuff.
But the real thrill this week was shooting a video of superstar for Glovebox.
We got a gang of local film makers to go out on a limb for us to make the video and they started shooting on Australia day. Or at least we thought they would! In fact the whole day was spent in rehersals, which is really professional but really boring if you aren't doing any acting. Our A&R guy (famous Ian) was there from sparrow fart in the morning (THAT EARLY!) to late late late and did not much but make coffee and move props. Not a nice day for him really. It was certainly not all glamour.
So day 2 dawns and the band have flown up from Melbourne complete with new drummer Sarah and Morris sporting a new "tash. They arrived at 8pm on Thursday and shooting started at 5.30 am Friday! Holy Cow!!!! The day was then spent in a small apartment in Brisbane with a crew of hundreds and a cast of 5. Weird how that is always the case.
As for we label types - we went off to a location in the city to set up the gear for the "live" sections of the shoot. Amps, keys, drums, mikes etc all ready to go on time. We then sat in the blistering sun for another 4 hours before anyone else arrived.
I decided to go back to the office and got on with some work whilst they guys shot the last scenes so I never actually saw a single second of footage being recorded! Trust is all in these situations.
After a highly stressed few hours we all got back togther at a restaurant in town and the few of us who were not exhausted hit the town with a vengenance. Lets just say that the 4am cab ride home was a bit blurry.
The day after and all is well. Shoot was good. Rushes are done and so is my liver. Recovering now as we await the first cut.
I am very happy to recount the fact that although the shoot itself was about as exciting as constipation the end results are by all accounts fantastic. It is all glamourous eh?
God knows how Shaun Connery does it after 300 years as a movie star. I guess he gets to kiss the girls everytime. Thats how. As for us we just kissed the pavement when the beer beat us up. Rock n Roll baby.
We have been pressing up thousands of records in the states. Vinyl remixes on 12" and three differnt albums. Phone calls to pluggers, PR agents, retail managers, bookers, insiders and new people that we hope to do business with. All exciting stuff.
But the real thrill this week was shooting a video of superstar for Glovebox.
We got a gang of local film makers to go out on a limb for us to make the video and they started shooting on Australia day. Or at least we thought they would! In fact the whole day was spent in rehersals, which is really professional but really boring if you aren't doing any acting. Our A&R guy (famous Ian) was there from sparrow fart in the morning (THAT EARLY!) to late late late and did not much but make coffee and move props. Not a nice day for him really. It was certainly not all glamour.
So day 2 dawns and the band have flown up from Melbourne complete with new drummer Sarah and Morris sporting a new "tash. They arrived at 8pm on Thursday and shooting started at 5.30 am Friday! Holy Cow!!!! The day was then spent in a small apartment in Brisbane with a crew of hundreds and a cast of 5. Weird how that is always the case.
As for we label types - we went off to a location in the city to set up the gear for the "live" sections of the shoot. Amps, keys, drums, mikes etc all ready to go on time. We then sat in the blistering sun for another 4 hours before anyone else arrived.
I decided to go back to the office and got on with some work whilst they guys shot the last scenes so I never actually saw a single second of footage being recorded! Trust is all in these situations.
After a highly stressed few hours we all got back togther at a restaurant in town and the few of us who were not exhausted hit the town with a vengenance. Lets just say that the 4am cab ride home was a bit blurry.
The day after and all is well. Shoot was good. Rushes are done and so is my liver. Recovering now as we await the first cut.
I am very happy to recount the fact that although the shoot itself was about as exciting as constipation the end results are by all accounts fantastic. It is all glamourous eh?
God knows how Shaun Connery does it after 300 years as a movie star. I guess he gets to kiss the girls everytime. Thats how. As for us we just kissed the pavement when the beer beat us up. Rock n Roll baby.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
how not to get a record deal
Everyday we get emails and submission from acts around the world who want a deal.
Most of the time we try to reply with something positive but becasue of limited finances we can't sign anything like the number of acts we would like.
Every so often though someone shines out like a beacon of light.
I know it is cruel and not the best way to make friends but this email came in today and it really takes the cake.
I have posted it herer just to show you all how not to do it.
First up we have never had a TV show and then we have nothing to do with Germany at all. The rest I will leave to you. Pick the glaring mistakes.
Teachers report says - could do better!
Hi,
My name's are XXXXXXX a.k.a outshine from delta state in Nigeria but lived in Lagos right from birth. I am a large fan of your show which i see very often and i cant help myself stay glued to the screen when you're on. Aside from the quality of your pictures, interiguing events, captivating stories, well balanced scripting and brilliant editing what takes my breath away is how beauteful and peaceful Germany and its citizens are. As for me, life has not been because we got torture by the circumstances of life leaving 6 children to the the fate of an indigent single parent with no skill or job struggle extra had to cater for us all.
With issues as these, i lost my childhood having no memorable account of my past. But as God would have it i discovered my immerce talent i have in music a couple of years back.
I did quite a lot in terms of recording and promoting my songs on urban radio, go for shows to secure record deals but to me avail because of the shenanigans and nepotism that paraded our local music industry which had many record executives say my music is too advance for what they can bargain for. All of these led me to write to you so you can connect me to people and record labels over there in germany with your influence, positivism and kind heartedness.
I have an article titled "outshine shining true" with 5 of my songs (full) on Africa hip hop.com. I will like you to go through the songs and refer people you know will be interested in my stuff. Germany has no doubt contributed in the world of music by producing people like
Max Herre and his wife Joy Dehalane,Rammstein, Lon Berger, sweet sexy Sarah connors among other talented superstars and i want to join in the train of success. I want to storm the world by taking Hip Hop from Germany to the next level.
Please help me in any way you can, I am sure some of you will like my stuff. I humbly await your reply.
Most of the time we try to reply with something positive but becasue of limited finances we can't sign anything like the number of acts we would like.
Every so often though someone shines out like a beacon of light.
I know it is cruel and not the best way to make friends but this email came in today and it really takes the cake.
I have posted it herer just to show you all how not to do it.
First up we have never had a TV show and then we have nothing to do with Germany at all. The rest I will leave to you. Pick the glaring mistakes.
Teachers report says - could do better!
Hi,
My name's are XXXXXXX a.k.a outshine from delta state in Nigeria but lived in Lagos right from birth. I am a large fan of your show which i see very often and i cant help myself stay glued to the screen when you're on. Aside from the quality of your pictures, interiguing events, captivating stories, well balanced scripting and brilliant editing what takes my breath away is how beauteful and peaceful Germany and its citizens are. As for me, life has not been because we got torture by the circumstances of life leaving 6 children to the the fate of an indigent single parent with no skill or job struggle extra had to cater for us all.
With issues as these, i lost my childhood having no memorable account of my past. But as God would have it i discovered my immerce talent i have in music a couple of years back.
I did quite a lot in terms of recording and promoting my songs on urban radio, go for shows to secure record deals but to me avail because of the shenanigans and nepotism that paraded our local music industry which had many record executives say my music is too advance for what they can bargain for. All of these led me to write to you so you can connect me to people and record labels over there in germany with your influence, positivism and kind heartedness.
I have an article titled "outshine shining true" with 5 of my songs (full) on Africa hip hop.com. I will like you to go through the songs and refer people you know will be interested in my stuff. Germany has no doubt contributed in the world of music by producing people like
Max Herre and his wife Joy Dehalane,Rammstein, Lon Berger, sweet sexy Sarah connors among other talented superstars and i want to join in the train of success. I want to storm the world by taking Hip Hop from Germany to the next level.
Please help me in any way you can, I am sure some of you will like my stuff. I humbly await your reply.
Monday, January 09, 2006
turning japanese
Welcome to the dawn of a new year.
In the wonderful worl do backroom entertainment we are busy again.
The next few months looks like a series of releases and tours and follow ups and god knows what.
It is interesting to see how things have changed for us though since we decided to go against the flow and expand the operations here.
We have hired in acouple of big consultancies and they are taking masses of pressure off us. It is great! Now we can see what we are doing without being buried under tons of paperwork and we are getting back to the music again.
I guess it is always like that - you go hell for leather until it all gets too much and then get someone in to do it better and start the whole thing all over again. I do believe it is more cost effective that way but by learning teh ropes you also burn up a lot of cash and candles. If anyone has any better ideas I want to hear them!
So now that we are working with retail and radio specialists from Spokane to Florida we are having a much better time of it. In fact the plans now are to expand our operations by licences with japanese contacts. If that comes off it willbe a huge boost and we will be truly global. Right now we work in the USA, UK and Australia so apart from the time differences it is really easy. We shall see how it is with our oriental aquaintances!
Incidentally here is a tip - if you can write a good song with japan - japanese in the lyric that TV can use you are going to make zillions - they still use department s songs from about 1979 for all those slots on japan. Time to move on!
So there you are - 2006 beckons and optimism brews. Hope it is the same for you.
In the wonderful worl do backroom entertainment we are busy again.
The next few months looks like a series of releases and tours and follow ups and god knows what.
It is interesting to see how things have changed for us though since we decided to go against the flow and expand the operations here.
We have hired in acouple of big consultancies and they are taking masses of pressure off us. It is great! Now we can see what we are doing without being buried under tons of paperwork and we are getting back to the music again.
I guess it is always like that - you go hell for leather until it all gets too much and then get someone in to do it better and start the whole thing all over again. I do believe it is more cost effective that way but by learning teh ropes you also burn up a lot of cash and candles. If anyone has any better ideas I want to hear them!
So now that we are working with retail and radio specialists from Spokane to Florida we are having a much better time of it. In fact the plans now are to expand our operations by licences with japanese contacts. If that comes off it willbe a huge boost and we will be truly global. Right now we work in the USA, UK and Australia so apart from the time differences it is really easy. We shall see how it is with our oriental aquaintances!
Incidentally here is a tip - if you can write a good song with japan - japanese in the lyric that TV can use you are going to make zillions - they still use department s songs from about 1979 for all those slots on japan. Time to move on!
So there you are - 2006 beckons and optimism brews. Hope it is the same for you.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
bye to the era of major label dominance
As 06 looms in the rearview I have been thinking about what the future holds again.
Nothing is certain apart from the fact that the major labels are no longer as loved as they once were.
Praise be!
It always takes 5 or ten years for a new century to dawn after the clock ticks over. Maybe we will still be here in a few years.
Good luck to you all
Nothing is certain apart from the fact that the major labels are no longer as loved as they once were.
Praise be!
It always takes 5 or ten years for a new century to dawn after the clock ticks over. Maybe we will still be here in a few years.
Good luck to you all
Monday, December 19, 2005
robbed
Monday morning and we come in to find the office is a mess. The door has been smashed and there is glass all over the place.
The thieves took our new plasma TV and a good chunk of xmas spirit. Thankfully they left our computers alone - I guess the TV was too big to carry - we couldn't get it in the car to have it delivered - so that was some bonus. It means that we have had to have anew door fitted and bolt everything down with chains.
Anyway thats life I guess.
I decided to get my own back on the villains so here is a copy of the letter we have now got posted on the entrance to our building. Enjoy and feel free to use it if you ever get done over.
TO THE THEIVEING BASTARDS THAT STOLE OUR TV
If you are capable of reading this – which we doubt as you are clearly as stupid as horse shit – you will be delighted to know that your face is now on CCTV which we have installed.
SMILE!
The longer you read this note the better the picture will be and we are sure that by the time you get this far you will have started to panic.
DON’T
No need – the police will be in touch soon.
We hope you enjoy Santa’s visit when he comes over with a nice search warrant and some big hammers to smash down the door of the shithole you call home.
In case you didn’t know thieves always get caught. You are just too dumb not to.
Incidentally I bet your dick is as small as a walnut now.
Just wait until you get raped in the showers! How big and clever will you feel then?
Before you leave we wanted to say we hope that you get HIV from your cell mate and that you spend every Christmas in Hell from now on you low life bastards.
Yours truly,
All the decent people in the world who will get you in the end
The thieves took our new plasma TV and a good chunk of xmas spirit. Thankfully they left our computers alone - I guess the TV was too big to carry - we couldn't get it in the car to have it delivered - so that was some bonus. It means that we have had to have anew door fitted and bolt everything down with chains.
Anyway thats life I guess.
I decided to get my own back on the villains so here is a copy of the letter we have now got posted on the entrance to our building. Enjoy and feel free to use it if you ever get done over.
TO THE THEIVEING BASTARDS THAT STOLE OUR TV
If you are capable of reading this – which we doubt as you are clearly as stupid as horse shit – you will be delighted to know that your face is now on CCTV which we have installed.
SMILE!
The longer you read this note the better the picture will be and we are sure that by the time you get this far you will have started to panic.
DON’T
No need – the police will be in touch soon.
We hope you enjoy Santa’s visit when he comes over with a nice search warrant and some big hammers to smash down the door of the shithole you call home.
In case you didn’t know thieves always get caught. You are just too dumb not to.
Incidentally I bet your dick is as small as a walnut now.
Just wait until you get raped in the showers! How big and clever will you feel then?
Before you leave we wanted to say we hope that you get HIV from your cell mate and that you spend every Christmas in Hell from now on you low life bastards.
Yours truly,
All the decent people in the world who will get you in the end
Sunday, December 18, 2005
crowd surfing
Sunday and I have just recovered from a big trip to Melbourne seeing Glovebox at their Xmas party.
What a top gig. I know you weren't there and there are a billion places that rant on about the bands that people like but this is a rare one for me. I am a bit jaded after years of pub rock bands and to see a band that had the audience cheering becasue the show was fun is excellent.
I mean how many times have you been to a show that you stumbled into that had some pseudo rockers posing like dead men at the front of the stage. I have seen hundreds and a lot of them were bands that sounded great on record but were absolute crap live. This time the live show was streets ahead of the record.
The best bit was when Mish (singer) decided to crowd surf. That's not unusual except when there are only fourty people in front of the stage! I though for onehorrible moment that it was going to end in a night at the Emergency room but buggerme if it didn't go off like a religious experience. The crowd just carried her around like a deity! WOW.
Finished up sleeping at 3.30 am with a head full of beer and beats. Oh and a Pomeranian dog that jumped on my bed and snuffled all night. Back on the plane at 11 and after a 2 hour flight with mrs miserable as my neighbour got home - very happy indeed.
Becasue they are so good it means we have to work harder. That's not bad at all. Time for a rest now. '05 has been a roller coaster.
Happy Christmas
What a top gig. I know you weren't there and there are a billion places that rant on about the bands that people like but this is a rare one for me. I am a bit jaded after years of pub rock bands and to see a band that had the audience cheering becasue the show was fun is excellent.
I mean how many times have you been to a show that you stumbled into that had some pseudo rockers posing like dead men at the front of the stage. I have seen hundreds and a lot of them were bands that sounded great on record but were absolute crap live. This time the live show was streets ahead of the record.
The best bit was when Mish (singer) decided to crowd surf. That's not unusual except when there are only fourty people in front of the stage! I though for onehorrible moment that it was going to end in a night at the Emergency room but buggerme if it didn't go off like a religious experience. The crowd just carried her around like a deity! WOW.
Finished up sleeping at 3.30 am with a head full of beer and beats. Oh and a Pomeranian dog that jumped on my bed and snuffled all night. Back on the plane at 11 and after a 2 hour flight with mrs miserable as my neighbour got home - very happy indeed.
Becasue they are so good it means we have to work harder. That's not bad at all. Time for a rest now. '05 has been a roller coaster.
Happy Christmas
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
predictions for 2006
we are doomed DOOMED I SAY
or are we?
Predictions for 2006
Israel will bomb Tehran and petrol will get expensive as all hell.
Global warming will make sure the wheat harvest in America fails and the fatties in Oklahoma will be forced to eat bun-less burgers.
Cars will be solar and sail powered and the isle of man will become the country with the fastest public transport system in the world.
Banana futures will soar
Iraq will be abandoned by the coalition of the willing but over 100 000 troops will remain because there isn't enough diesel to get them home again. They will intermarry the locals and the new "lost tribe of Indiana" will form. They will lay claim to Raleigh NC as the new Jerusalem and in 10 000 years their decendents will return to annex the back yards of the mexican immigrants who live there.
England and Germany will face each other in the world cup and England will win because the Germans will not be able to convert their Mercedes to fuel cells in time to get to the match. The England coach will be powered by hot air from Mrs Beckham and rendered down brylcreem.
Onions will become a valuable commodity.
2006 will be know as year zero and Pol Pot will come out of hiding with a press release saying - TOLD YOU SO!
Australia will be forgotten and languish in the souther hemisphere where it will adopt the ways of the aboriginals. Kangaroos will be revered as the bringers of all things good and Wombats will be worshipped.
New Zealand won't change a bit.
In France there will be a committee to discuss the problems of the world but it will never reach a consensus and the members will be found as dessicated skeletons by an archeologist from Togo in the year 12 21.
The new museum of the fallen arches will be opened in Northampton - home of Doc martens - by the president of the peoples republic of Chelsea - Dennis Skinner
Jamie Oliver will be ritually roasted at Tower Bridge by homeless chefs in an open air ceremony. (please bring your own balsamic vinegar and sea salt)
Robbie Williams will marry Jeffrey Archer
There will be delays in purgatory as there are leaves on the lay lines.
Godzilla will emerge and marry The Loch Ness monster in a beautiful ceremony. The arch bishop of Canterbury will officiate.
The Queen will die.
Paul W bacon will fall in love with a nice girl from Wigan and settle down to run a post office in Scarborough. They will have the first of the 5 children before he wins the lottery and leaves her for a Bradford lady boy called Karl.
King Charles be so delighted he will get pissed before the coronation. He will then be stricken with gout and declare that he is gay. Camilla will reveal her real name is Cameron.
GW Bush will become a not very good con and will be the first american president to be arrested and tried for treason. He will be sentenced to the death penalty but will be spared by a last minute plea for clemency by President Gloria Estefan.
Fidel Castro will make a pact with the devil and join the republican party.
Coldplay will make another album about dull stuff and Chris Martin will father a child with Angelina Jolie who they will name Benzine.
U2 will split, thus going to No1 on every chart for ever.
Paul McCartney will get divorced. The acrimonious split will result in Britain's GDP decreasing by 24%
Rupert Murdoch will also divorce. His ex-wife will marry Woody Allen in a bizarre Mormon ceremony attended by the hoards of hades and a string quartet.
Gary Glitter will launch a new porno DVD. " THE BIG BOYS GUIDE TO SEX WITH THE OVER 60's".
The most desirable place to holiday will be Greenland.
Dr Marcus Coles of Cambridge university will discover the secrets of fusion one dark winters night. However he will be so stoned and tired from changing nappies that he will forget and the world will remain in darkness for 1000 years until a Vulcan arrives to explain how easy it is and that all we really needed was a can of TIZER and a copy of razzle.
yours
Nostrodamus Jnr
or are we?
Predictions for 2006
Israel will bomb Tehran and petrol will get expensive as all hell.
Global warming will make sure the wheat harvest in America fails and the fatties in Oklahoma will be forced to eat bun-less burgers.
Cars will be solar and sail powered and the isle of man will become the country with the fastest public transport system in the world.
Banana futures will soar
Iraq will be abandoned by the coalition of the willing but over 100 000 troops will remain because there isn't enough diesel to get them home again. They will intermarry the locals and the new "lost tribe of Indiana" will form. They will lay claim to Raleigh NC as the new Jerusalem and in 10 000 years their decendents will return to annex the back yards of the mexican immigrants who live there.
England and Germany will face each other in the world cup and England will win because the Germans will not be able to convert their Mercedes to fuel cells in time to get to the match. The England coach will be powered by hot air from Mrs Beckham and rendered down brylcreem.
Onions will become a valuable commodity.
2006 will be know as year zero and Pol Pot will come out of hiding with a press release saying - TOLD YOU SO!
Australia will be forgotten and languish in the souther hemisphere where it will adopt the ways of the aboriginals. Kangaroos will be revered as the bringers of all things good and Wombats will be worshipped.
New Zealand won't change a bit.
In France there will be a committee to discuss the problems of the world but it will never reach a consensus and the members will be found as dessicated skeletons by an archeologist from Togo in the year 12 21.
The new museum of the fallen arches will be opened in Northampton - home of Doc martens - by the president of the peoples republic of Chelsea - Dennis Skinner
Jamie Oliver will be ritually roasted at Tower Bridge by homeless chefs in an open air ceremony. (please bring your own balsamic vinegar and sea salt)
Robbie Williams will marry Jeffrey Archer
There will be delays in purgatory as there are leaves on the lay lines.
Godzilla will emerge and marry The Loch Ness monster in a beautiful ceremony. The arch bishop of Canterbury will officiate.
The Queen will die.
Paul W bacon will fall in love with a nice girl from Wigan and settle down to run a post office in Scarborough. They will have the first of the 5 children before he wins the lottery and leaves her for a Bradford lady boy called Karl.
King Charles be so delighted he will get pissed before the coronation. He will then be stricken with gout and declare that he is gay. Camilla will reveal her real name is Cameron.
GW Bush will become a not very good con and will be the first american president to be arrested and tried for treason. He will be sentenced to the death penalty but will be spared by a last minute plea for clemency by President Gloria Estefan.
Fidel Castro will make a pact with the devil and join the republican party.
Coldplay will make another album about dull stuff and Chris Martin will father a child with Angelina Jolie who they will name Benzine.
U2 will split, thus going to No1 on every chart for ever.
Paul McCartney will get divorced. The acrimonious split will result in Britain's GDP decreasing by 24%
Rupert Murdoch will also divorce. His ex-wife will marry Woody Allen in a bizarre Mormon ceremony attended by the hoards of hades and a string quartet.
Gary Glitter will launch a new porno DVD. " THE BIG BOYS GUIDE TO SEX WITH THE OVER 60's".
The most desirable place to holiday will be Greenland.
Dr Marcus Coles of Cambridge university will discover the secrets of fusion one dark winters night. However he will be so stoned and tired from changing nappies that he will forget and the world will remain in darkness for 1000 years until a Vulcan arrives to explain how easy it is and that all we really needed was a can of TIZER and a copy of razzle.
yours
Nostrodamus Jnr
Monday, December 12, 2005
Make mine a large one
I wanted to throw in a few memories about a weird day I once had in outback Australia with The Lovemakers.
We had all travelled from the coast in a toyota van at about 190kms all the way. There were 5 of us and the trip took about 10 hours so by the time we got in it was dark and we were all on ROODAR watch. mainly because those big roo's are killers if you hit them. Scott was peering out of the windows like his life depended on it - which it did.
We had traversed a million miles of bog all when we finally hit town to be greeted with a cold beer and knowing looks from the locals.
All good then. Beer and barbeques commence and everyone is really happy to be there.
Next day check out the gig - 650 people from all over the outback are coming to see the guys and it's fraught with tension. This being Country and Western land hardly anyone had even heard a synth let alone the Lovemakers.
I will tell you more about this as and when I get time but lets concentrate on Conan the sound man for now.
Conan is - as his name suggests - enormous. A true man mountain. When he speaks the floor rumbles and he is decked out in black T shirt and miniscule shorts that reveal a musculature that resembles Arnie on steroids. His mere presence makes the room shrink.
He has just driven from tropical Queensland in a 6 cylinder van that has 3 operations pots for over 2 days and he needs a beer or 2. He is not in the mood to listen to some fussy americans about how they want their foldback to sound. Suffice to say the day does not begin well.
In a room decorated with ballons and tinsel Conan stands prodly behind his Mad Max desk and turns knobs and sliders as if they were Scott Blondes neck. Every request for " a bit more guitar" is greeted with a rumble of thunder as the thunder god controls his rage. Only Lisa is not intimidated. Her tits are like a shield of steel and she knows she can have any man in the room if she wants. Except me! Today I am the manger and therefore a sexless manipulator of all mankind - not to be trusted.
Sound check finishes a bit early. About 1 hour early and all are worried about the forthcoming gig.
What to do?
Manager me slips into full on bullshit mode and attempts the "fucking wankers' approach. "Bloody yanks etc etc.
It has some effect and I get a partial ackowledgement of my existence which I take as a good sign.
Right leave it there.
Back to hotel - beer o clock.
Back to gig for first of 2 sets. OH FUCK ! Sound is terrible. Conan the destroyer makes the band sound like the mouseketeers.
Much doom ensues - we have another set to come and the audience are restless and confused. Who are these american limp dicks? Some people have driven over 500 km to be here.
Wallet time I think.
Off to the bar to buy 12 cans of jack and Coke. Nothing else said - just put them in eyeline of Conan and retreat gracefuly.
Set 2 is a masterpiece. Aurally and visually it is the best show I ever saw them play. Conan makes the rickety old sound system as sweet as a million dollar rig. Audience in raptures.
The Moral
Every man can be bought - you just need to know the price.
We had all travelled from the coast in a toyota van at about 190kms all the way. There were 5 of us and the trip took about 10 hours so by the time we got in it was dark and we were all on ROODAR watch. mainly because those big roo's are killers if you hit them. Scott was peering out of the windows like his life depended on it - which it did.
We had traversed a million miles of bog all when we finally hit town to be greeted with a cold beer and knowing looks from the locals.
All good then. Beer and barbeques commence and everyone is really happy to be there.
Next day check out the gig - 650 people from all over the outback are coming to see the guys and it's fraught with tension. This being Country and Western land hardly anyone had even heard a synth let alone the Lovemakers.
I will tell you more about this as and when I get time but lets concentrate on Conan the sound man for now.
Conan is - as his name suggests - enormous. A true man mountain. When he speaks the floor rumbles and he is decked out in black T shirt and miniscule shorts that reveal a musculature that resembles Arnie on steroids. His mere presence makes the room shrink.
He has just driven from tropical Queensland in a 6 cylinder van that has 3 operations pots for over 2 days and he needs a beer or 2. He is not in the mood to listen to some fussy americans about how they want their foldback to sound. Suffice to say the day does not begin well.
In a room decorated with ballons and tinsel Conan stands prodly behind his Mad Max desk and turns knobs and sliders as if they were Scott Blondes neck. Every request for " a bit more guitar" is greeted with a rumble of thunder as the thunder god controls his rage. Only Lisa is not intimidated. Her tits are like a shield of steel and she knows she can have any man in the room if she wants. Except me! Today I am the manger and therefore a sexless manipulator of all mankind - not to be trusted.
Sound check finishes a bit early. About 1 hour early and all are worried about the forthcoming gig.
What to do?
Manager me slips into full on bullshit mode and attempts the "fucking wankers' approach. "Bloody yanks etc etc.
It has some effect and I get a partial ackowledgement of my existence which I take as a good sign.
Right leave it there.
Back to hotel - beer o clock.
Back to gig for first of 2 sets. OH FUCK ! Sound is terrible. Conan the destroyer makes the band sound like the mouseketeers.
Much doom ensues - we have another set to come and the audience are restless and confused. Who are these american limp dicks? Some people have driven over 500 km to be here.
Wallet time I think.
Off to the bar to buy 12 cans of jack and Coke. Nothing else said - just put them in eyeline of Conan and retreat gracefuly.
Set 2 is a masterpiece. Aurally and visually it is the best show I ever saw them play. Conan makes the rickety old sound system as sweet as a million dollar rig. Audience in raptures.
The Moral
Every man can be bought - you just need to know the price.
THE END OF IT ALL
Did video kill the radio star?
NAH!
Will itunes kill retail - you bet your ass it will.
This just in - music sales down 20% in 2005.
Why?
Lots of reasons but the main one is that big stores like wal mart are selling cd's at $5 and losing on them to get you to buy in their stores.
Other retail is squeezed at both ends - competition from stores and online.
Labels eat shit all the time now because we have to pay for recordings and marketing and all that and radio won't play new music much so we all loose out. New acts sell less than they used to so they aren't signed so no more new music so no new stars so ......... vicious circle time.
Something has to give.
Keep the faith and we will find a way.
Hopefully it is the big companies that will bite the dust and give us all a chance to get back in the game.
The glass is half full. Mostly thanks to indie labels and acts who keep going regardless and who will create the soundtrack to your lives for the next 20 years.
Bring it on!
NAH!
Will itunes kill retail - you bet your ass it will.
This just in - music sales down 20% in 2005.
Why?
Lots of reasons but the main one is that big stores like wal mart are selling cd's at $5 and losing on them to get you to buy in their stores.
Other retail is squeezed at both ends - competition from stores and online.
Labels eat shit all the time now because we have to pay for recordings and marketing and all that and radio won't play new music much so we all loose out. New acts sell less than they used to so they aren't signed so no more new music so no new stars so ......... vicious circle time.
Something has to give.
Keep the faith and we will find a way.
Hopefully it is the big companies that will bite the dust and give us all a chance to get back in the game.
The glass is half full. Mostly thanks to indie labels and acts who keep going regardless and who will create the soundtrack to your lives for the next 20 years.
Bring it on!
Sunday, December 11, 2005
handing out awards
Off to Melbourne on Friday to hand over the award to Glovebox.
Looking forward to that.
menawhile here is a snippet I picked up off the web
Glen Matlock was shopping in Selfridges recently
and bumped into Noel Gallagher, who was buying
some shirts. They swapped pleasantries and went
their separate ways. A few minutes later a
fan approached Matlock, shook his hand and
said it made his day to meet him. Matlock
told the bloke that if he had been five minutes
earlier he could have met Noel Gallagher.
The reply: "Well, who wants to meet
that cunt?"
Looking forward to that.
menawhile here is a snippet I picked up off the web
Glen Matlock was shopping in Selfridges recently
and bumped into Noel Gallagher, who was buying
some shirts. They swapped pleasantries and went
their separate ways. A few minutes later a
fan approached Matlock, shook his hand and
said it made his day to meet him. Matlock
told the bloke that if he had been five minutes
earlier he could have met Noel Gallagher.
The reply: "Well, who wants to meet
that cunt?"
Saturday, December 10, 2005
jenna jameson
Some of our mates in yankeeland invited us to a shin dig in Texas next year.
NICE
Who will be there?
none other than Jenna Jameson sex godess and porn star!
Are we working with the right people?
NICE
Who will be there?
none other than Jenna Jameson sex godess and porn star!
Are we working with the right people?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Sydney
Sydney today for no other reason than Sydney is a great place.
Walking along through Darling harbour on a balmy summers evening and the office parties are in full swing.
Testosterone city.
All the women are done up like screen stars from the 50's and the vison is most beguiling.
Suddenly around the corner comes a girl in a stunning blue dress. Amazing how a normal girl like that can look a million dollars. I walk past and think about saying something but are we allowed to anymore?
Anyway I don't and I just keep hoping that someone tells her how good she looked. I wish I knew if she could sing!
c'est la vie
Walking along through Darling harbour on a balmy summers evening and the office parties are in full swing.
Testosterone city.
All the women are done up like screen stars from the 50's and the vison is most beguiling.
Suddenly around the corner comes a girl in a stunning blue dress. Amazing how a normal girl like that can look a million dollars. I walk past and think about saying something but are we allowed to anymore?
Anyway I don't and I just keep hoping that someone tells her how good she looked. I wish I knew if she could sing!
c'est la vie
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
record contracts
Back to the music business.
I had to attend an open forum the other week as a panelist. Now this will be a real snore blog unless you are involved someway so I suggest you only read this if you have an inclination to legal matters.
The subject of the panel was record contracts and the like and it was quite an interesting discussion. There were some guys there who really knew what they were talking about but as the conversation ranged over a wide area including recording, touring, synch rights and so on we got a bit involved in finding out what mangers and acts were thinking about.
I was really surprised to find that people are actually quite clued up about this really deadly dull area. I guess if you are thinking that you are going to make lots of money it is important. I was even more surprised to find out that bands are really reluctant to invest in themselves.
Everyone there had an opinion about what made a good deal for bands and labels and so on but hardly anyone was interested in looking at the bigger picture. It seemed like the deal was done on paper alone and there was no reason for anyone to make that the starting point for their business relationships.
What I mean is that once a deal is done it is only the begining. It is like a marriage and once the initial love is over you have to work like abastard to keep the marriage alive. No one seemed to get that and I found it illuminating. After all if you expect sex you at least need to get into foreplay right?
One guy asked me if I thought he should register his bands name as a trademark.
Damn right I do - that is all you have left if it all goes to shit. Who knows what might happen and if you have a record out there and you own the rights you can get tons back if someone steals the name later on. Look at the spinners - detroit spinners fight back in the day and you will get the idea.
think big and forget the numbers on the contract - get the records out there and sold and you willbe able to fight like a bastard later. Don't argue about money you don't have and may never get - argue about what is real and now.
I had to attend an open forum the other week as a panelist. Now this will be a real snore blog unless you are involved someway so I suggest you only read this if you have an inclination to legal matters.
The subject of the panel was record contracts and the like and it was quite an interesting discussion. There were some guys there who really knew what they were talking about but as the conversation ranged over a wide area including recording, touring, synch rights and so on we got a bit involved in finding out what mangers and acts were thinking about.
I was really surprised to find that people are actually quite clued up about this really deadly dull area. I guess if you are thinking that you are going to make lots of money it is important. I was even more surprised to find out that bands are really reluctant to invest in themselves.
Everyone there had an opinion about what made a good deal for bands and labels and so on but hardly anyone was interested in looking at the bigger picture. It seemed like the deal was done on paper alone and there was no reason for anyone to make that the starting point for their business relationships.
What I mean is that once a deal is done it is only the begining. It is like a marriage and once the initial love is over you have to work like abastard to keep the marriage alive. No one seemed to get that and I found it illuminating. After all if you expect sex you at least need to get into foreplay right?
One guy asked me if I thought he should register his bands name as a trademark.
Damn right I do - that is all you have left if it all goes to shit. Who knows what might happen and if you have a record out there and you own the rights you can get tons back if someone steals the name later on. Look at the spinners - detroit spinners fight back in the day and you will get the idea.
think big and forget the numbers on the contract - get the records out there and sold and you willbe able to fight like a bastard later. Don't argue about money you don't have and may never get - argue about what is real and now.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
DO YOU KNOW?
Do you know how long it takes to get a record out?
Answers on a blog comment and I willl tell you.
CLUE - more than a week.
Answers on a blog comment and I willl tell you.
CLUE - more than a week.
bush, dick and colon
I had to put that triumverate as the headline - after all we have been waiting ages for such a tidy collection of body parts to run the world!
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