singers while you are winning

Aloha

today's blog comes to you direct from Sunny Singapore.

Well, I had almost recovered from my encounter with the slippery stair case before I had to leave. It's kind of annoying when you get older and aches and pains seem to be more debilitating but I guess there is a pay off for all that experience!

Anyhow, I had to leave the homestead to continue on my journey through life and today has brought me to the centre of Asia.

I must confess I love Singapore. It's a first world island in the third world. The things these guys have done over the past 20 years is amazing. There are new buildings all over and the hotels are first rate. Not to mention the nightlife which is - despite the tales of draconian legislation - brilliant.

I flew in - 13 hours not including the farce that is the British public transport system - 5 hours to go 80 miles no less - on the night flight and as is always the case I ended up with the stiffest neck in the history of stiff necks. It happens all the time because the airlines insist that 17c is a reasonable temperature for human beings. It is if you are an eskimo but for us normal mortals its just plain freezing. This is one of the downsides of globalisation that never gets mentioned in the other blogs.

So having added my bit to global warming I rocked up at the hotel in one of the ubiquitous Toyota Crown cabs that are all racked up and ready at Changi airport. I always use the same hotel - just off Orchard Road - and crashed out for a few hours before going out to see what Singers is like at present.

Well, the aching neck was no better so after a fine feast of gargantuan proportions I made my way to the Orchard Towers where I knew there would be a masseur available.

For those of you who don't know the Towers it is locally known as "10 floors of whores" but they are interspersed with some really useful things like a supermarket, tailors and massage dens - not dodgy for the most part.

Anyway, the lady who gave me a massage was about 45 and had hands that were as strong as a bricklayer. She damn near broke my neck before moving on to the spine - which has not been twisted and shaken so much since Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper were all the rage. Let me tell you it wrecked! But somehow I feel better for it. (Thanks for asking.)

Now none of this has anything to do with music does it?

No, but there is one interesting musical diversion that i have already noticed in my 12 hours in the tropics. That is that Pink Floyd are still HUGE!

The cab driver - who looked like an extra from apocalpse now - was playing Wish you were here on the way from the airport; a 3 piece band of American ner-do-wells was bashing out a terrible version of Money and as I lay on a table with a small asian lady turning me into a human pretzel the strains of Dark side of the Moon wafted over the aromatherapy couches.

It all seemed a bit weird - especially considering the fact that on my everlasting train journey to Heathrow there was a Polish family on the train taking pictures of Battersea power station and chattering about Dave Gilmour. What is happening in the world these days? Have we returned to 1975?

In my bag I have a demo from a US band called Band of Thieves. The weird thing is that they are so retro its incredible. The sound, the look, the hair - everything screams 1975. Question is - should I sign them and if so for what territories? Poland and Asia look pretty good right now.

I'll let you know.

yours

Aching stevens

CD's for $1

Good morning,

I have run out of steam a bit today but in the spirit of co-operation I have decided to sell off our last remaining copies of the Lovemakers debut album in Australia.

So, here is the deal. As avid readers of my rants I am giving away the last remaining copies. I just need a $1 for the postage so that it doesn't cost me too much.

paypal me at info@bariarecords with your address and the record is on its way.

As we go through our stock list I will let you know whats going to be available.

There are a few vinyls from Glovebox and a very few from Heavely States, Gasolineros and Blue Eyes son available as well so if they are your faves let me know.

We won't be pressing them again so I guess they are by default limited editions.

Cheers

WEB 2.0 we have a problem

Hola,

I have been thinking again about how the new world of WEB 2.0 is going to affect us all and I am a bit worried by the whole thing.

There are a few things about the way it all developing that are causing us real problems and I can only see it getting worse.

Web 2.0 is supposed to be the new way of the world and whilst I am no expert I have had a few discussions with people that make me wonder if anyone has the faintest idea of what is going to happen next.

For us at the label the web has been a bloody nightmare to deal with. Let's be honest for once. Peer to Peer is screwing every label on the planet and anyone who says different is a liar. The genie is out of the bag and now we face ruin. I mean it.. RUIN! It has become a better business idea to give away music and make money on the shirts. The same is about to happen to movies and TV and print and god only knows what else. Even retail is about to fall of a cliff when more of the high end purchasers move away from shops and online.

The thing with beig in business is that you are suposed to make a profit and if you don't it's all over. All that are left are amateurs and dreamers. Like the guys who repair steam engines for fun. Maybe 2 of them make aiving from it but it isn't an industry anymore. Music is like that, It is raidly becoming the preserve of the gifted amatuer and rock stars are a thing of the past. We had better get used to it. From global industry to cottage industry in 10 years. That is some change in the landscape I think you will agree.

Of course there are winners from this new dynamic and new models are emerging all the time but they only last a few months before being bettered. Look at Myspace - who seriously thinks that works any more? Or Money Supermarket or or friendsreunited or lastminute.com or Napster or any of another million sites. They come and go with abandon and all they leave behind are cached pages and memories. facebook will last until 208 before it become passe and goes the way of all others.

What will happen is that there will be a few local phenomena and maybe one or two big acts that break through the chaff and become household names but before the decade is out there won't be any bands just individual songs.

It's logical when you think about it. There are millions of tunes already out there and you can pick and choose whatever you want at will and for zero cost. Where is the upside in that?

Of course the "industry" is talking to itself and saying there is a future and all that but I woke up today with a feeling like its all over so I have no regrets in annoucing that we are no longer going to release CD's anymore. We will do digital for now but frankly I am looking for a new job. Who needs it? I don't want to be a sad lonely cyber individual bleating on about the death of my lable when I know in my guts that I have joined in too late and with too much optimism.

OK, you say, there is no brand loyalty anymore and who cares where you buy your stuff from so long as its cheap?

No one.

There.

What matters more these days is getting a bargain. Ok fair enough but where does that leave quality and service?

These issues are not irrelevant.

For music it means an ability to sort the good from the bad - talent from hacks and only experience and energy will figure that out, It also means that lots of people were inevitably consigned to dead end jobs in Wal Mart. But what if there is no Wal Mart any more?

What then?

The fact of the matter is that in our time the rules of life are changing so fast its unprecedented.

Expertise is worthless. Quality and innovation are devalued and intellectual gain is a by word for useless loser.

Plato said in THE REPUBLIC that there should be an elite who are tasked with governing the minnions. they should be selected on merit and not on birthrite and that they should be a class above the rest.

Our new version of democracy means that we have disbanded any pretence of having an elected elite who are able to make decisions based on rational self interest and instead we have reverted to the tyrany of the masses where the simplest things are open to debate and argument and that in itself is seen as a good thing.

IT IS NOT.

If we spend our entire lives arguing about everything then only the loudest voices get heard and being the pack animals that we are the loudest voice invariably belongs to the biggest biggot.

I am really worried that we are going to loose everything that makes our lives livable, The NSA will take over the internet and we who rely on the net so much will find ourselves in a murky world of half truths and lies. If you have the time and energy to promote a political agenda you will prevail and the search engine tyrany will mean that we come to rely on WIKIPEDIA or some other half wit resource rather than looking at the original material for ourselves. There is a value in the old paperbased systems - libraries I think we call them. The value is that they mean we are forced to physically look for information and copy and read and think about what we are seeing. Its much slower and harder work than googling but it means that the quality of research is better and more refined and it also means that it isn't open to falsification. (Red ink underlining is much harder to believe than a careful editon You Tube.)

The people are not always right. they don't have the information to be right. If they did we would never have bought the Birdy song and Concorde would still be flying. People power inevitably means the rise of the right and draconian repression. Communism bythe back door if you like.

If you take an average day in the life and wake up, get out of bed and drag a comb across your head you haven't much time to figure out if Melody 1.0 is better than melody 2.0. You want someone else to do that for you. But if you want to decide id a guy should hang for a crime you can make that call in 5 seconds flat and without the information or evidence. Thats how it works, Death is an easy judgement to make but choosing that video is much harder. That's what the new world will lead to.

Another thing that freaks me out is that there are only American values in place. America sees itself as the greatest nation on earth and its institutions as infallible. They arenot and they simply don't work anywhere else. You can't exort democracy to places where there is no tradition or demand for it. Thats why Iraq ia such a mess. No one wants the goods you are exporting and in a weird way its like trying to sell Trabants to Toledo. There is no demand and the whole thing is a bust. But what happens when some enterprisig despot gets hold of the web and manipulates it in his own image. We don't just loose bpower - we loose the whole civilisation . It is a dangerous game they are playing these designers.

We need to filter and refine our lives to make them better not open them up to more crap.

I for one will not trust anyone who hides behind a corporate screen and who pretends to have my best interests at heart. He doesn't know me and he doesn't care and in the great western tradition of recent times if I can screw him over I will. I expect nothing less from him. These are the real lessons America has taught me. Screw or be screwed.

And me a European socialist!

VIVA LA REPUBLIQUE!

IRAN and the Lost Sailors

Recently the Iranian navy arrested and detained 15 British sailors and Marines.
14 men and one woman.

The Iranians claim that the Brits had crossed over into their territorial waters.

The Brits deny it.

Guess who was reading the map.

61.7% of Radio Stations are run by Robots

THE RADIO PD AT CLEAR CHANNEL

Feliz mi amigo's,

time to get back to the music business. And what a business it is.

There are a few things that have sprung up this week that are worth a look.

First of all there is the news - old though it is - that a deal has been struck with US radio networks to ensure that a couple of thousand hours of indie music is played on commercial stations this year.

I will believe that when I hear it!

What a load of hockum. The promise is about as realistic as the promise made by Catherine the Great when she told her mum that she never even kissed a boy. Yep, the same Catherine who died whilst humping a horse!

If radio ever really got itself involved and started investing time and energy in street level music there would be an almighty disaster that would shake the very foundations of commercial broadcasting throughout the western world.

Radio is not what it seems. It is programmed according to focus groups and small playlists. The key to success is getting onto the playlist and making sure that there is something happening for people outside of the industry to latch on to. Most stations are now programmed by a computer that picks similar beats, keys, rhythmns etc and the probablity of a machine having any artistic intergrity is pretty close to zero. In fact it is a certainty that it is zero but I have seen Terminator and Matrix and I don't want to annoy my metal masters!

Indie and street music is explicitly not something that adheres to the major label - radio friendly - melange that bores everyone over the age of 10 to tears. In fact you are much more likely to find interesting and exciting music choices on network TV. At least someone there has to combine visuals with audio to create a scene. No chance of that on 99% of radio stations these days.

There are some real pluses to that system though.

I saw a weird show this week that has the Promoter - Harvey Goldsmith acting like Donald Trump. For some bizarre reason he was asked to go and take a look at a small radio station in outback UK - somewhere called Frinton on Sea. Now I live in the Uk and I have no idea where that is. Some Station!

The station is run by a guy who looks like he sells newspaper ads and 2 old DJ's from the seventies - Diddy David Hamilton and Mike ' my ego is bigger than your ego" Reid. What a bunch of wankers!

They have no playlist, no transmitter, no audience and no idea how to do anything other than add the platitudes between songs. They are actually losing £50 000 per month on the station but I can't see how. They don't seem to be there in person and the entire place is run by a bald bloke called Gary who looks fierce but is actually unable to have a hissy fit without crying.

These dorks all live in a big house togther where they drink expensive wine and eat spag bog every night. They share this house and spend most night telling each other how much they love the Beatles before beetling off to bed at 10pm with a copy of Razzle and some Vaseline. God knows what the blokes who are paying for all this think they are doing but to me it looked like a close approximation to a gay porn movie from 1973.

Before I get criticised for not haveing a clue about Radio let me tell you I was a founder member ofteh team that set up Radio Wombat in Manchester in the late 80's - my first pirate radio station - costing us about 12p a month for electricity. The trasmitter was converted from an old pub amp and the antennae was makde from wire wrapped around some himney statcks. We had no idea how it worked but we broadcast to about 10 square miles of manchester for months until the amp blew up and set fire to the roof! So now I see these imbeciles who have worked their way through to the heights of the BBC and been thankfully they have been fired. Boy, am I glad I never got that job at Radio 2! Imagine how much more up my own fundament I would have been by now!!!

The trouble is that they are also the guys who know how to make an impression at an interview and then end up running your local network. For all you Aussies I give you Richard "encyclopedic knowledge but bugger all charisma" Kingsmill at Triple J.

Once upon a time radio was new and vibrant and had something to say. The rules were unknown and so it had feeling about it that was exciting and worth listening to. I am sorry to say that the rules are now so established that there are core "sectors" to every show - Weather - Time - Traffic - ads - Chat - sponsors etc. And because of that - much like life itself - there is no scope for anyone to experiment or make a difference on commercial radio.

So what happens is we get a set playlist of maybe 10 songs when it should be 20. We get vile and incoherent broadcasts that project the views of a tiny minority of the population EG Rush Limbaugh - Chris Moyles and John Laws and we the audience are desensitised or revolted to such a degree that music is totally devalued and made a pointless commodity.

This industrialised model of broadcasting has led to the mass migration of listeners away from music as a part of everyday life. It has become just another widgit that you can buy if you really need it. Like a new front door. Why buy a new one if the old one works well?

I say you should get new music if for no other reason than it makes new synaptic conections and increases your brain power.
Music makes you stronger - better looking and inreases your sexual prowess. It makes girls drop their knickers and boys open their wallets. It makes your dad mad and your mum edgy. MUSIC MATTERS!

So now the deal has been struck who says what constitutes indie music? Is a record released by Cherry Tree via Interscope with all its major label clout an indie or is it the guy at home with his Mac and keyboard? Bet you guess the same answer as me. Sorry mate - not our thing!

Plus ca change mes amies

Salut!


PS. - I wonder why the major labels haven't bought as many stations as they can? If I had their money I would.
PPS - Anyone like to offer me a job? I need the credibility.

Make millions from other peoples fear

Commiserations my friends,
I have had a few thoughts on the Blacksburg massacre. Not related to the victims or response teams - more about the mourner in chief and his cohorts.

I wanted to know who wins from this sick debacle.

Unless Sting releases a "sympathy" single I can't see how pop music has any relevence today.

Suggest you play Beethovens Requiem Mass. It suits the mood and is soothing somehow.

Here is what I have come up with.

Formula:
Psycho Kill kids.
Public buys guns to defend itself and armours homes, cars and schools.
Increase paranoia across the country.
Isolate a racial characteristic and make that a reason for allienation.
Sales of guns increase tenfold.
Shareprices of arms makers increase tenfold.
Foreigners become harrassed and carry guns for self protection.
One or two get involved and kill.
More guns bought for "defence"
Cheney - Haliburton and all Bush's cronies make money.
More guns - more deaths = more money = a virtuous money making cycle for some.

Winner - Arms dealers and manufacturers ( you don't make guns to grow food )
Winner - security companies
Winner - Paranoia councillors
Winner - Weird sects that divide people from their neighbours
Winner - Racists
Winner - Fox News
Winner - Funeral homes

Loser - everyone else

My advice:

Protest Peacefully.

Do not get freaked out.
The odds of getting shot in America are really bad but they are still only 41 gun related deaths per /1 million population

(1/1 million in UK where there are no legal guns and 3/1 Million in France. In other words you are 41 times less likely to be killed in a country that has no weapons to defend yourself with. There's not much need to shoot someone dead when you can jump back five feet and miss his fist is there? We don't carry arms so criminals don't either and crazy people can't get them so the best they can do is strangle you and I think its pretty hard to strangle 34 people without being stopped.)

Buy shares in gun companies - they are going to have a bumper year.

Another Wasted Day - Save yourselves from being murdered

Today is another sad day.

You all know about Virginia Tech already and the mass murder there. The 19th school massacre in the past 10 years in the US.

What madness is this?

I am sure that you already knw about the ones that happened in the UK and Australia as well in recent years - Hungerford, Port Arthur, Dunblane.

What about The Russian armageddon at Beslan as well? Or the last one in Lancaster County when the Amish kids were murdered.

My mind is just too battered and bruised to see what the point of any of these things are.

It is as if there is an invisible demon wandering amongst us just looking for children to slaughter.

But there isn't.

There are just lunatics who can get their hands on weapons. Nothing more. It is not some spectral emmince destryoing our world.

It is us.

When I heard about the disaster I sighed - like always - and wondered how things had go to this stage. This morning - a few hours after the event it seems that the murderer was upset because his girlfriend had dumped him for another guy.

When that happened to me I had a cry in private and then got on with my life. I didn't have a gun so I didn't kill my rival suitor. In fact, we are now friends and I like to think that we will always be so. I like him a lot more than his wife; which tells me that we aren't always very perceptive when it comes to love and matters of the heart. If I had killed him the world would have been a poorer place. He lives, she lives, and so do their 2 kids and a million happy memories that I could have snuffed out if I had lived in Virginia and had access to a gun. Thats why you don't need guns.

But the thing about Virginia Tech that has struck me the most is the way the students reacted.

They closed the doors and looked at the internet.

Not one hero emerged. Not one extra ordinary individual has been cited. There was no brave soul willing to risk trying to save his fellows. Instead they remained in their dorms googling like mad and hoping to survive.

Victims of virtual reality.

Let me tell you people. If you are one of the new ipod generation that grew up with video carnage on PS2 and HI DEF Tarrantino movies where heads are severed with Katana's for entertainment you are so desensitised that you will sit like rats in a lab until some fanatic comes and blows you away. Like all victims you are willing to submit yourselves to the ultimate sanction without fear becasue it has become a normal part of your day.

CSI is not real.
Kill Bill is not real.
Resevoir Dogs is not real.
The Godfather is not real.

You should change things. It is in your interest. It is simple self preservation.

When your skin feels the burn of real sunlight and the sweat burns your eyes you are alive.
When the shiver of cold courses down your spine and a touch makes you recoil you are alive.
When your guts ache with envy and your ears ring with noise you are alive.
When the hum form your bloodstream drowns out your own thoughts you are alive.

As Ibsen once said,
You have only one life.
Once thats gone you don't get another.

START NOW!

Ban weapons.
Switch off the screen.
Get out of your Air conditioned room and experience real life.
Buy a guitar and play it.
Make love to your lover.
Masturbate.
Eat your fill.
Drink with a cheerful companion.
Sail on the ocean and swim in the sea.
Shit with abandon.
Sleep on bare earth.
Fight with your fists and your words - eschew the mechanical tools of death they are for cowards.
Kiss your kids, your parents and your friends.
Sleep easy

Tomorrow is another day

SIX, FOUR, OUT - 21 reasons to be a cricket fan

Oh I say, how the diddly do are you old bean?

Today was an utterly glorious day in Blighty. The sun shone on the good citizens and this sceptred isle set in a silver sea truly lived up to its reputation.

The boats ghosted by in the misty waters off Portsmouth like half remembered memories from the days when Brittania ruled the waves and all in all it was perfect.

Not only that but my beloved Leeds United won a game of soccer and almost certainly saved themselves from relegation. HOOOOOOOOORAY!!!

But best off all its the start of the English Cricket season and for the first time I can remember its not raining!!

I have to confess to being a cricket nut. Now you may wonder why. Most people do but let me explain it to you.

REASONS TO BE A CRICKET FAN

1. A county season ticket has cost me £160. For that I get 45 days of free cricket.
Thats £3.50 per day.
Less than I spend in a hour at Starbucks or about 40 minutes of parking in London.
Value?
I should say so.

2. You do not need to be athletically gifted to enjoy it.

3. You do not need any special clothing.
4. You do not need to know what is going on.
You need to know who is playing - roughly. No names just geographical areas. Chances are one team is from the county you are in so that's a start.

5. The game is county / country based so there is no chance of aggro between towns.
Eg. knowing its Hampshire versus Warwickshire is enough.
(Who can act like a hooligan when it's a match like that?)

6. You can sit down all day.

7. You can drink all day.

8. There are no police in riot gear or nasty songs to sing.

9.You can drink all day.

10. The general perception is that it is a boring and slow game - it isn't . We pretend it is so that it stays perfectly civilised.

11. You can drink all day and not be called a trouble maker.

12. Posh people love it but they respect poor people who love it too.

13. You can eat all day so long as you are drinking.

14. It is not played in America, China, or South America so the competitions are not stupidly commercialised or played by cry babies who fall over when the umpire looks at them.

15. You can drink all day and talk crap with your mates and still keep an eye on the game.

16. Your wife thinks it is respectable.

17. If you are lucky you can go to: India, Australia, England, Ireland, New Zealand, Pakistan, South Africa, Zimbabwe, Kenya, Holland, Canada, West Indies, Sri lanka, Bangladesh and make friends instantly.

18. Your mates will only need to come along once before they are converted.

19. If you loose its not the end of the world. If you win you are supposed to be gracious in victory. There is a nice tradiotion of kids getting involved and playing a game at the intervals on the main pitch - imagine that at the superbowl or Wembley.

20. Even the biggest stars of the game will come over and say hello and sign autographs for your "sisters". Bouncers are fast balls not fat men in shades as far as cricket is concerned.

21. Did I mention you can drink all day?

It's all tickey boo now as far as i am concerned.

Albion is no longer perfidious.
It is perfect and I can't wait for the slap of leather on willow.

FNAAAARRRR.

Friday the 13th

Hail to thee,

welcome to the day of reckoning.

I was thinking about bring you thoughts of a diverse and conroversial nature today but it's been a bit of a disaster for me so I won't bother. All you need to know is that you should never fly on a cheap airline like FLYBE. Those buggers left me at the airport twice! Once was a delay for 5 hours and then this morning at sparowfart (thats 5am to you) I woke up to get on another flight. All went well and we even got onto the plane itself before the pilot announced that the flight was cancelled. So the rest of today has been spent in a daze of fatigue and annoyance.

Friday the 13th indeed.

Anyway onto the news.

If any of you are pianists or afficionado's of the terrible black monster you will have heard of Bosendorfer. They make the best Piano's in the world bar none. Big, beautiful, heavy and damn expensive beasts they are and every pianist worth his salt wants to have one. Our mate Greg Johnson calls his "Joanna" but I bet his bank manager calls it ludicrous.

In England there are a few successful festivals of classical music. (I used to work at one so I know a lot about the Bosendorfer Grand Concert piano's - having humped them on and off trucks for the best part of 10 years.) This tale involves a new festival called the Two Moors Festival and, as ever with these things, it is held in a remote and rather beautiful part of Somerset. It is one of those places where it is forever 1920 and the Empire has still got a grip on the colonies. Small men in black suits wander hither and thither with silver trays of cucumber sandwiches and old men with tweed coats mutter "Oh I say" whenever they see anyone with the faintest trace of a suntan. You get the picture.

The organisers of the festival recently bought a new Grand Bosendorfer and paid - get this! - £45 000 for it (That's nigh on $100 000 US). They had the thing delivered with great fanfare to the first location. Lights, Camera... ACTION!

The problem was that the movers had a bit of a comedy moment and dropped the thing as it came of the van. It then fell 14ft onto a gravel path and then to add insult to injury it committed suicie by hurling itself of an embankment.

OH BUGGER!

£45 000 - £45 000 = Headache for someone.

Well, all that reminded me of a couple of Bosendorfer tales from my past.

First, there was the time that we "borrowed" a nine foot grand and placed it on the end of the docks in Penzance / Land's End.

A good mate - Paul Coker - who is a reknowned classical pianist was going to play a recital with our other chum, Hungarian looney and serously good key basher, Andras Schiff, and we thought it would be a laugh to take the massive instrument out to sea before the gig. That didn't happen - too heavy and who was going to explain that tothe broding angry Magyar afterwards? Not me. So we did the next best thing and Paul serenaded the Cornish fishermen with the Teddy Bears Picnic, the Pink Panther and other notable show tunes as they set off into the brooding oceans.

Close your eyes and imagine the movie the Shipping News. Now add frivolity and humour. Kevin Spacey would be useless. Try John Travolta instead and you are closer to the picture. It was excellent and it made the local and Canadian TV news as there was a protest going on against European fishing policy or something at the time. Thanks' be the guys from Bosendorfer didn't see it. Still, it was pretty good effort for a fun day at the beach don't you think?

But that's not the best. That comes courtesy of dear ol' Tori Amos and her crew.

Bosendorfer had lent her a midi grand (which doubles the value of the piano) for a big tour in the states. I think it was the Choirgirl hotel tour but my memory fades.... So when the tour finished up all the gear was being shipped back to the UK and there was this big black thing waiting to be collected. Except no one called for it.

A week went by and no Austrian came to take their baby home
Another week and no news.
Then a breakthrough.

My dear friend who is a piano tech of world reknown called me up.

"Do you think it would fit in my house? It's 9ft long and 5 ft wide"

"Yeah but the floors won't take it"

"Can you fix them"

" No worries"

So the errant piano was boxed up and put on ship to go on holidays in sunny Tottenham whilst I rounded up a crew to remove three doorways and a living room floor and replace them with concrete and wider portals.

Job done the piano duly arrived and was installed.

It has become the worlds most expensive beer table - none of us can play the thing even if it is tuned to perfection at all times - so it serves very well as a piece of furniture.

So on this day of disaster and futility I would like to thank the dear Austrian chaps who crafted it with such love. One day they will have made my friend a very handsome donation to his pension fund. I hope they don't mind.

He sent it by sea after all and we all know that's eco friendly.

In fact he is a very Dolphin friendly tuner!

ta ta

BLACK EYED PEAS - Bloc Party - Sting and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are HYPOCRITS

Oh what a bunch of hypocrits there are in the music business!

I fly all over but I know I am burning carbon. At least I don't pretend to be a good guy about it. Not like these imbeciles.

Have you got into the Live Earth thing yet? Well if you haven't you will. And what a crock of non-sense it is.

Imagine this; Bring a load of self centred, ego-maniacs with their entourages half way across the world. Put them up in 5 star, expensive and non-eco friendly hotels. Ferry them to and fro in big Limo's and then charter the most expensive helicopters to get them to the gig. Make sure that whilst they are there the tents are air conditioned and filled with chilled Champagne from France and Grapes from Guatemala- clearly defined on the rider these items must be of original provenance and it doesn't matter if you can make do on Sparkling wine and a packet of Jaffa Cakes. The celebs must be looked after!

Now get 50 fat radies from Arkansas and Alaska to fly and rig and turn on a 50 thousand watt light rig and the biggest PA that money can buy. Make sure that they are all trucked there on large flat bed - diesel powered lorries. Power the whole thing on generators fuelled by Diesel. Leave them running even when there is no need.

Then invite 200 000 of your closest friends and make sure that they need to travel to the most far flung places in the world from London, to Sydney and Japan, Shanghai, Brazil, South Africa and New Jersey ( where of course you won't be able to smell the stink from Elizabeth because they will turn fans on to re-direct the fumes from the chemical plants).

Add in the global TV execs and the sponsorships and the added air miles and congestion and you have a recipe for Live Earth.

Has anyone thought this through?

Live Earth? More like Kill me quick.

No wonder we are worried. Our stars are burning so brightly they can't see how toxic they can be!

Wankers.

Bill Gates bitten by Apple

Howdy,

I guess you have already heard about the great DRM fiasco with EMI and Apple. Emi gave in and at last music downloads are open to all to copy.

That means a big kick in the head for Zune and Microsoft.

All the fake Ipods can now put in AAC format downloads instead of WMV (Microsofts crappy system).

Looks like Microsoft have been well and truly bashed in the battle because if you think about it - who wants to load up software that costs a lot to licence and then can't interact with 90% of the downloads out there?

"AIN'T NOBODY BUT ME" (oh no not more bloody Supertramp!)

By Bill. See you in Liberia

THE LONG TAIL WILL SMACK YOUR BUM

Kem Cho,

as avid observers of the business you will no doubt have heard about the "long tail".

This is a description of the way numbers of sales drag off into infinity after a product is released. We used to call it back catalgue but the Valley techies have to have their own vocabulary.

There is also a misconception that the long tail may end up wagging the dog.

It won't.

The long tail is a chimera invented to win someone a PhD and convince all those of us hanging on by the fingertips that there is hope if we just play by the rules. It is bullshit! I can sell you a single CD and that will be part of the long tail. The question is how long is the tail and how big is the body?

I can see that the old fashioned Wolfhound is being bred out and we are going to end up with a Daxhund before long. Yip Yip Yip. There is not much meat on that tail.

What you need is to be a part of the body not the tail.

Preferably the head. The bit with teeth.

Ponder this for a moment.

When the world fall out of love with America the break up will be bloody and bitter. Not everyone wants to dream about California and its concommitant smog. Some like to imagine a beach without Muscles and dippy blondes. Some of us already have that.

Why would we want to race on Route 66 in a Mustang when we can travel across Asia on an elephant?

Why should we relate to Ghetto murders when we can stay at home and see our own people being slaughtered in such new, efficient and imaginative ways?

Why is NYC called the big apple when its losing its pith?

Beware of your assumptions people. What was once certain is no longer. America isn't the dream it once was. You bombed too many people too many times. The empire is dying and so is the rock business.

It is time for a new Weimar Republic.
Lets all get hammered and create frenzied orgies of creativity.

Or, maybe we should have a cup of tea and meditate.

If you don't believe me ask these guys:

Julius Caesar,
The Queen
Jesus,
Buddha,
Stalin,
George Bush,
Houdini,
Alexander the great,
Herod,
Beaver,
Donny Osmond,
Chairman Mao

tot ziens

96.4% of Musicians are Idiots

The other 3.6% aren't trying.

Happy Holidays people,

In previous blogs I have mentioned manners - or rather the lack of them - as being one of the major reasons for a musical career in the doldrums.

Today I wanted to remind you about how important manners are and also how important it is to make sure that your message is getting across.

It's really quite simple but it bears repeating. You must remember at all times that the guys on your team are also ON YOUR SIDE!

(The number of times I have come across the kind of "everyone is trying to screw me," paranoia is making me think that there is a a conspiracy of silence on this issue. Why aren't we being told?)

In order to elborate a little and get my message across I brought you firstly the list of the most offensive words - as compiled by the BBC. I am sure if you look at the list you will see words that you come across in everyday useage.

Now, I may sound like your Mum but these words are fine if your "gang" uses them on a regular basis. That kind of common repetition devalues the shock element and neuters some of these words until they lose most of their meaning. BUT... and this is big but ( like J Lo's but not so attractive!) Outside of your peer group the words are still offensive and must be used with care.

Let me give you an example of how dangerous your ambivalent attitude to words can be.

I was on a plane travelling from Indonesia to Papua New Guinea once. The flight is 5 minutes long and lands in a town called Vanimo. There is one plane a week and it is a big deal for the customs boys there. Now, as you know I am a Western Imperialist who cares nought for the social niceties of foreign lands and so when we landed I thought that my British Passport would carry the same amount of credibilty as having a Black Amex does in Saks 5th Avenue. Boy, was I wrong!

The customs officer asked me where my visa was and I pointed to one in my passport. It transpired that this was a single entry visa and that I had not got the correct stamp. When the large and very aggresive gent behind the counter pointed this out to me my reply was simply - "Oh you are joking: which means I can't believe I made such a stupid and elementary mistake and could you please lok kindly on my ineptitude in small town England. In Papua New Guinea it is a major insult to question the veracity of a government official and if he were able to my interogator would have turned puce, Instead he ordered my bags off the plane and me onto a small bench where transgressors could be humiliated in plain view of the other departing - and legitimate guests.

I was totally bemussed and not a little scared They still have cannibals in PNG don't they? Was I going to be the main ingredient in Missionary stew? Would I be deported to Jaiapura after a week in the pot. Would he turn my skull into a new bongo? Why was he looking for the salt? This was not funny.

The plane was turned around and ordered to taxi to the end of the runway whilst my colleagues bartered for my safe release. There was a lot of grovelling and a lot of stern looks and waving arms going on and I was powerless. Every time I moved he shouted at me to stay put or there would be "CONSEQUENCES"!.

Eventually, after a good deal of bowing, scrapping, promises of virgin brides and praise of the locals virility and no small measure of personal ego massage the customs guy agreed to release me for 400 cigarettes and 2 cases of beer. He then scribbled a small note on the visa in crayon and took 20 Dollars for his trouble before releasing me into the foetid air of a Papuan Rainforest airstrip.

The engines were already running and the pilot waved at me to hurry up as I ran down the ever-lasting runway with my suitcase and heavily bruised ego in hand. The sweat ran of me like Niagra but my relief at getting out of there was enough to power a small aircraft carrier and as I hauled myself up the steps I gasped a last breath of swamp before slamming the door shut behind me and swallowing as much air conditioned, farty aeroplane air as I could get into my burning lungs. As the plane cranked up the power and took off I crawled to a seat and started shaking with relief.

The comlimentary nuts were a bit of a let down on that flight let me tell you.

So, the moral of this story is be careful what you say and who you say it to.

If you are a musician be nice to your fans, your manager, your label, your family and especially to people who may weild power over you that you are unaware of. If you don't it may cost you more than $20 and a case of Pacific Ice beer

Andiamo

NO MUFF TOO TOUGH

Genuflections at this time of the resurection my brothers and sisters,

(see how I am really getting into this thing about saying hello in a really posh way)

In this little missive I bring you two thoughts.

First of all if you are able to see the picture you will already know that I am really impressed by this womans brilliant adoption of inuendo and sleaze in the noble cause of selling T-Shirts. This is marketing genius and it almost makes me want to buy one of her shirts. If you can't see it here is the link;

http://www.bodyasbillboard.com/

The second and more music thought is one that has come to me the more I delve into the inner recesses of the blogosphere. It is this:

What a huge morass of sad and weird people there are with access to the Internet.

(AM I ONE OF THEM?)

Now, I know that porn was the foundation of this information super highway but I thought that by now there would be more than just pimps, wimps and pervs online but if you look at the blogs that are out there I doubt it.

There are tons of them that have not been updated since aboout 1994 - look up Melanie Griffiths blog if you don't believe me. Then there are the mentally subnormal ones like Perez Hilton. Somewhere inbetween though lies the truth of the blogsphere. It seems to be populated by a million cooks, whingers and shit musicians who are trying to flog MP3's by pretending they are going to donate to the latest charity. BULLSHIT THEY ARE!

So now you know.

If you are at all discerning you will filter out the insane quite easily but triping through the fields of average ability bloggers such as myself is nigh on impossible. It's rather like being in a pub and chatting to a nice guy at the bar. Its great for a few minutes but then you want to get back to your mates in case he mentions that he is a member of the local chapter of Slavers for England.

Sometimes its best not to know who is out there. Just in case.

It is safer and it is certainly better for your mental health.

I suggest that as your first step on the road to mental health you only read blogs that have typo's in but who do not write the first person singular as "i". These people are lazy and will probably come to your house demanding free board and lodging the next time you post a comment.

Adieu

RCA COLUMBIA - COMPUTERISED HELL

Incantations of Despair my afficionados

This has just appeared in my world and its a warning shot across the bows for all those pirates and buccanners that are trying to forge new empires in the wastelands of musical creativity.

Here is an exerpt from a "Blog" I just read on Vox.com



"SonyBMG Music Entertainment UK has just announced that starting April 2nd 2007 it will no longer accept demos from new artists on physical formats such as CDs for consideration by the company’s Columbia Records or RCA Records labels.

In fact, the only way RCA and Columbia Records UK will accept new music or demo submissions is via Vox! How cool is that?

We think it’s very cool to see entertainment companies embracing the multimedia aspect of blogs, and the way that Columbia and RCA UK are embracing Vox is exceptional. They explained it like this:


“We don't want demo CD's anymore, that's what part of this is about. It takes ages for you to do, they get lost and it's a waste of plastic. Register your blog and be part of our on-line community. You will be directly connected to us and everyone else who's in the community. That's the other reason for this, the artist community being closer to the labels they want to be involved with.”


WHAT THE HELL IS THAT APART FROM A COP OUT CHICKEN SHIT EXCUSE FOR A LABEL?

Oh what a great scam! Now we have a major that can't be bothered to go out and look for decent bands. It looks like the perfect way to keep the mystique going and hide behind a screen of green pseudo pretence without ever needing to employ another A&R guy again. No Artist and synthetic repotoire for all! Can't wait. 

Cd's aren't ever going to get anyone signed to a major - except by idiots like us in the indie world. We love music for its own sake and if the Majors want to get some credibility back they need to listen to music in all forms. CD, Live, MP3 or even in sheet form. They need to work at the front lines and not in an office somewhere.

It is just too important to leave to some computerised scanning machine to filter which is what this will mean before long.

Welcome to the machine age of creativity people!.

A gift to the people

Blessing be upon you dear reader,

I have had a small moment to contemplate the meaning of generosity following the return of 15 Marines after their kidnap by Iran.

It seems to me that the West has been comprehensively out- P.R'd by our Islamic bretheren this time and whilst there has been a huge amount of speculation about power struggles and factional infighting in Iran the truth is that they just got really pissed off with being made out to be the bad guys all the time.

The US kidnapped 5 of their guys in January and pretended that they knew nothing about it. They have lost 2 generals to "special forces" snatch squads and just like us they were pretty hacked off about it. So they grabbed some of our blokes and then made a big show of giving them back after 2 weeks of stalling and making Blair look like a pussy. I guess that sometimes what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

In otherwords - the politicians deserved a good slap from Mr Ahmadinajad this time.

I am glad that no one got killed for once.

The generous gesture is a pretty fair analogy for what should happen in the music world right now.

There are major powers out ther who are happily fucking with our lives and really egging on the reactionary forces by claiming that the cyber world is real and that we should all aspire to become Avatars living our lives by proxy.

I say - Bollocks!

Real life is far more important and if you want to spend your lives in the pointless pursuit of virtual thrills you should istead try to learn something.

Like for example, the gift that is music itself.

Don't fool yourself that the only way to go is down the Western music road.

Did you know for example that Arabic music has a whole different set of scales with 24 notes in an octave? Or that they sing in quarter tones which we don't even acknowledge in the West?

If you did - Great.
If you didn't you need to find these things out. That way you might just be the guy who invents a whole new way of making music just like those old Blues guys became the basis for all the stuff we play today.

ADVOCATE CHANGE

ADVOCATE KNOWLEDGE

ADVOCATE GENEROSITY

Happy Easter

CHEAP CD's

You have been warned people!


"It's unwise to pay too much, but it's worse to pay too little. When you pay too much, you lose a little money - that is all. When you pay too little, you sometimes lose everything, because the thing you bought was incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do. The common law of business balance prohibits paying a little and getting a lot - it can't be done. If you deal with the lowest bidder, it is well to add something for the risk you run, and if you do that you will have enough to pay for something better."

Professor John Ruskin M.A. (1819-1900)

OLD ROCKERS

Feliz me ol' mates,

I have just returned from a hearty couple of days in the heart of the City. London City. England, Europe.

In London there is a place called Camden and I recommend it to you folks most sincerely. Camden, as you may know, is the heart of all that is indie rock in the UK. It hosts the bands that everyone has played at including Barfly, Good Mixer, the Palace and many more. It is - in short - the UK's daily equivalent of Austin. Only in camden the market is better and so are the enourmous Doc Boots that hang on the walls of the shops.

I love Camden.
I met my Missus there and I have been to more mental events in that place than anywhere else.

Apart from Crouch End. Which has no indie pubs but loads of watering holes that have been known to sell me an intoxiacting beverage or two.

Anyhow, I met up with Mark Wilson - he of the guitar slap - and his manager to have a chat and a few pints. They had just come from making a TV show for Sky and Mark was looking a bit wobbly. At first I thought it was the beer, or the TV studio but it turns out he is to become a dad. Well done! So a few whets of the babies head later and MArk has gone home to the wife. Then along comes Ray "Thunderbird" Fresh from a tour with Seasick Steve and the Gemma Ray Ritual and then along comes Steve who has just been in Brisbane and NYC with Darren Hayes (Savage Garden) so all up it was a good old night. Steve's band - THE GREAT STATESMEN - played a show at Dublin Castle with some blokes called Spencer McGarry. Not keen on them but maybe that was becasue I had been through the best part of a gallon of John Smiths finest Ale by the time they came on. Everyone else seems to be enjoying it though so lets leave that there.

So the night was going great guns. I was perched on a table chwing the fat and slopping the ale when I stopped gibering for a moment and looked up. The room wasn't quite spinning but there was certainly a flashing blue light going on inside my head. You see as I looked about I realised that the 3 blokes from Warners weren't there anymore and that everyone else was at least 35.

Oh shit! I was just another old rocker watching another band in a pub in Camden and kidding myself that I was still out there at the cutting edge. But I wasn't was I? And neither was anyone else. We were all just going through the safe rituals that we know and trust. We were the music worlds version of a golf club committee. Fuck!

So, my bretheren I ask you to repent your sins and come join with me on a quest for the new and important. This rock n roll thing isn't just old its positively venerable. When the big shows are all aimed at the 60 plus age group and the cutting edge is attended by 40 something blokes in black jackets you know that the absorbtion of youth culture into the mainstream is complete.

It is a shame really. I know there is new talent out there - like these guys I saw the other year. He is a bit ofthe blurb about them:

"The Flairz is made up of three 11 year old rockers from Perth, Australia. They are John Mariani-guitar/bass/vocals, Scarlett Stevens-drums/vocals, and Dion Mariani-guitar/bass/vocals. Their brand of no nonsence rock and roll has gained them many fans in western Australia while opening for many big name bands including The Living End. They have also played to an audiance of thousands at Perth's famous Rock-It Festival in March 2004. The Flairz released their debut CD-EP on November 15, 2004."

They are young talented and I am sorry to say stuck with Dad's dreams of superstardom.

What the hell is the next thing?

Someone tell me please because I honestly have no fucking clue and with a hangover like the one I have today it is not something I am likley to figure out any time soon.

Catch you later

Men - why we can't pause

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Ah, my dear readers, what mirthful tales I have to tell you today. I need to tell you to be careful. VERY CAREFUL.

Why? Dangerous forces have been released in Manhattan. Think Hiroshima times 19. This is scary stuff and anyone under the age of 40 and / or in possession of testicles should beware. The lunatics have taken over the assylum and if this thing takes off you can be assured that Tin Pan Alley will shortly metamorphose into Chintz Floral Avenue.

The great thing about this tit-bit is that it might even motivate me enough to begin writing the book I always wanted to write - but probably never will - "Things I never thought I would hear as long as I live."

The news is that musical theatre is about to be assualted in ways never before imagined.
Yes indeed that banal, mindless, expensive dross that the passes for entertainment in minds of the over 50'sis under going a change.

A really fundamental change that will alter the way we think about Broadway forever......

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS...?

MENOPAUSE THE MUSICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Jesus what next?

First we had to live through the Vagina Monologues, then we had the revenge of very angry women (aka Hilary Clinton / Maggie Thatcher / Amanda Vanstone et al) and now we have the musical meanderings of a bunch of slightly deranged and angry women on Broadway!

I wonder what the track list on the labium (sic) will be. I guess the artists recruited to sing will have to be "Blood Sweat and Tears" but even though I don't know for cetrtian which genre thes composers will adopt I have a few ideas of what songs they should cover, (add any you can think of yourself) :

HOT FLUSH (Donna Summer)
Spinning Around ( Kylie)
Prepare for the fight (Lovemakers)
I am woman, hear me roar ( Helen Reddy)
Patience (Take That)
Fish Heads - the "its your fucking supper; like it or lump it" remix (Zappa)

And the list goes on .....

Incidentally, do you know why it takes a menopausal woman 10 hours to roast a chicken?

IT JUST FUCKING DOES OKAY!


Keep passing those open windows kids :)