61.7% of Radio Stations are run by Robots

THE RADIO PD AT CLEAR CHANNEL

Feliz mi amigo's,

time to get back to the music business. And what a business it is.

There are a few things that have sprung up this week that are worth a look.

First of all there is the news - old though it is - that a deal has been struck with US radio networks to ensure that a couple of thousand hours of indie music is played on commercial stations this year.

I will believe that when I hear it!

What a load of hockum. The promise is about as realistic as the promise made by Catherine the Great when she told her mum that she never even kissed a boy. Yep, the same Catherine who died whilst humping a horse!

If radio ever really got itself involved and started investing time and energy in street level music there would be an almighty disaster that would shake the very foundations of commercial broadcasting throughout the western world.

Radio is not what it seems. It is programmed according to focus groups and small playlists. The key to success is getting onto the playlist and making sure that there is something happening for people outside of the industry to latch on to. Most stations are now programmed by a computer that picks similar beats, keys, rhythmns etc and the probablity of a machine having any artistic intergrity is pretty close to zero. In fact it is a certainty that it is zero but I have seen Terminator and Matrix and I don't want to annoy my metal masters!

Indie and street music is explicitly not something that adheres to the major label - radio friendly - melange that bores everyone over the age of 10 to tears. In fact you are much more likely to find interesting and exciting music choices on network TV. At least someone there has to combine visuals with audio to create a scene. No chance of that on 99% of radio stations these days.

There are some real pluses to that system though.

I saw a weird show this week that has the Promoter - Harvey Goldsmith acting like Donald Trump. For some bizarre reason he was asked to go and take a look at a small radio station in outback UK - somewhere called Frinton on Sea. Now I live in the Uk and I have no idea where that is. Some Station!

The station is run by a guy who looks like he sells newspaper ads and 2 old DJ's from the seventies - Diddy David Hamilton and Mike ' my ego is bigger than your ego" Reid. What a bunch of wankers!

They have no playlist, no transmitter, no audience and no idea how to do anything other than add the platitudes between songs. They are actually losing £50 000 per month on the station but I can't see how. They don't seem to be there in person and the entire place is run by a bald bloke called Gary who looks fierce but is actually unable to have a hissy fit without crying.

These dorks all live in a big house togther where they drink expensive wine and eat spag bog every night. They share this house and spend most night telling each other how much they love the Beatles before beetling off to bed at 10pm with a copy of Razzle and some Vaseline. God knows what the blokes who are paying for all this think they are doing but to me it looked like a close approximation to a gay porn movie from 1973.

Before I get criticised for not haveing a clue about Radio let me tell you I was a founder member ofteh team that set up Radio Wombat in Manchester in the late 80's - my first pirate radio station - costing us about 12p a month for electricity. The trasmitter was converted from an old pub amp and the antennae was makde from wire wrapped around some himney statcks. We had no idea how it worked but we broadcast to about 10 square miles of manchester for months until the amp blew up and set fire to the roof! So now I see these imbeciles who have worked their way through to the heights of the BBC and been thankfully they have been fired. Boy, am I glad I never got that job at Radio 2! Imagine how much more up my own fundament I would have been by now!!!

The trouble is that they are also the guys who know how to make an impression at an interview and then end up running your local network. For all you Aussies I give you Richard "encyclopedic knowledge but bugger all charisma" Kingsmill at Triple J.

Once upon a time radio was new and vibrant and had something to say. The rules were unknown and so it had feeling about it that was exciting and worth listening to. I am sorry to say that the rules are now so established that there are core "sectors" to every show - Weather - Time - Traffic - ads - Chat - sponsors etc. And because of that - much like life itself - there is no scope for anyone to experiment or make a difference on commercial radio.

So what happens is we get a set playlist of maybe 10 songs when it should be 20. We get vile and incoherent broadcasts that project the views of a tiny minority of the population EG Rush Limbaugh - Chris Moyles and John Laws and we the audience are desensitised or revolted to such a degree that music is totally devalued and made a pointless commodity.

This industrialised model of broadcasting has led to the mass migration of listeners away from music as a part of everyday life. It has become just another widgit that you can buy if you really need it. Like a new front door. Why buy a new one if the old one works well?

I say you should get new music if for no other reason than it makes new synaptic conections and increases your brain power.
Music makes you stronger - better looking and inreases your sexual prowess. It makes girls drop their knickers and boys open their wallets. It makes your dad mad and your mum edgy. MUSIC MATTERS!

So now the deal has been struck who says what constitutes indie music? Is a record released by Cherry Tree via Interscope with all its major label clout an indie or is it the guy at home with his Mac and keyboard? Bet you guess the same answer as me. Sorry mate - not our thing!

Plus ca change mes amies

Salut!


PS. - I wonder why the major labels haven't bought as many stations as they can? If I had their money I would.
PPS - Anyone like to offer me a job? I need the credibility.