Lies Damn Pies and Statistics

Goede Morgen,

in this infinately fascinating world there are a few things that pass by each of us that are guaranteed to make your hackles rise.

There are of course the politicians and self important numb butts that grace our TV screens each day. But they are on on-going problem, rather like genital lice: Annoying but hardly life threatening. Then there are the bullies and aggressors who can make your life so uterly miserable that its not worth a damn but lets be opitimistic ans say that they will get their come-up-ance. Karma works that way. But there is one more insidious creature that stalks the dark recesses of humanity.

I present the BUROCRAT.

As you are avid readers of my latest news, views and drivel you may already be aware of the potential disasters that await all of us who are trying to break out from the normal 9-5 routine. But have you ever been sucked into the machine that 9-5 really entails? I just have and it is horrible beyond compare.

You see the various governments we deal with all have their own particular way of trying to make you conform and woe betide you if you don't. I am sure that it all began as a well meaning experiment but that's no excuse; isn't that how Frankenstein came to life?

In the UK we now have new laws designed to prevent money laundering. These laws are so stupid that they almost stop anyone doing deals at all.

For Example, In order to borrow money you must provide a whole raft of I.D. Fair enough. But once you have done that you must then produce it again and again as each step of the process proceeds. It isn't enough that the bank is legitimate and they have known you for 10 years. They must hire a seperate, 3rd party, team to verify your existence. Why trust your own systems when a quick squeeze of the nether regions will determine if you are who you say you are. For this you are charged money which is then added to the debt and interest is added to that as well. No wonder efficiency is going to hell. No one can fart without paperwork being filed in triplicate with the complaince officer (noxious gasses) in Room 101 - The Stinky Building, Ponderous End, PO E.

America is even worse becuase of the damn federal system of taxes. Califoria sales tax, state, federal, IE something or other and so on. Paperwork is a real headache.

As for Aus it is so overgoverned that 98.3% of the population are employed filing and the other 1.6% are filling in forms.

Even so despite all this people are still trying to have a good time during their short sojorn on earth. But even as I write the clever bastards are maeouvering to make life more difficult. Not by letting us get on with our lives and concentrating on the important things in life like health, respect, and music but by inventing new kinds of taxes and fiddles to keep everyone on the treadmill.

Did you know that between them Bill Gates and Warren Buffet own as much as the bottom 30% of American society? That really makes their "generosity" plain. You can be generous when you own every fucking thing!

Have you also noticed how thin they are? Personal trainers - not cheap.

Bill and Buffett are two of the guys inventing things that slow your mind like spreadsheets and formatted documents. Thanks to them we can communicate but we can't spell. Carrier Pigeon anyone? The new net age has given us the option of talking directly to each other whereever and whenever we want to but it has als resulted in some unexpected side effects. Like BARIATRIC products. Piss taking buggers are using our name to promote chairs for wider people. (Something which America no longer has a monoploy on). You should see their stools (sic).

We have an obesity epidemic across the Anglicised world. What was once confined to the suburbs of Washington D.C. has now reached the extremities of the American empire. Thanks to Big Mac and Burger King and their helpful and ever dynamic allies at Coke.

NO FUCKING WONDER EVERYONES GETTING FAT! Who can get up and dance when you are forced to spend your days ticking boxes and undergoing examinations dictated by anally retentive accountants? (I bet there are some men who would pay good money to act out that scenario! Oh yes MR Tackle. Please inspect my Anal retention! etc)

Tick
Sip
Tick
Sip
Munch
Tick
Sip

So the purpose of this little rant is to try and resurect - with a minor alteration - the old slogan that made me get active. (I recently weighed 400 lbs due to middle aged spread - a Margarine substitute made by Nabisco. I only use organic lard and whale gristle on my Mighty White toast these days and the change is remarkable.


Here we go, then. Raise those knees and open that mouth. Now sing along.....

FUCK WORK LETS DANCE!

Via Condios funsters

Achtung International

Guten morgan,

I have been granted a few days dispensation by the gnomes so I have come over here to Berlin to catch up on the cricket world cup and Eurovision.

Flying in to the old East german airport - which is now a bunch of sheds along the coldest airfield in the world - was a bit odd. The last time I was here I was a student and damn nearly got to spend my vacation in Spandau ( I know thats in the West but I can't remember the name of the Eastern prison). Anyway, I don't recommend that place one bit. It's a real dump, especially after Zurich and its starched linen everything.

In many ways it's rather heartening to be here in the old east. I rode along in the cab just looking. Seeing bits of wall and old buildings that used to house the Ministry of music and other stuff like that. I finally dragged up at my hotel - THE AROCTEL - in case you were wondering - expecting austere communist decay and instead got a boutique with hand made carpets with pictures of Brecht and Marlene Dietrich and all those other German pop icons. Its really cool. Miles better than a Four Seasons, stock box. The hotel is in the old East and from the window you can see the massive telecom tower that used to represent the gravestone of thousands of dead escapees. The synagogue that was the target on Krystal Nacht is just down the street. This is a really heavy place in history. Just by the front door is the S Bahn and tram lines that used to symbolise the ppossibility of escape and the daily charade of hope and dread (dependent upon which side of the old wall you lived on).

I have also discovered the best Thai restaurant in the world opposite the tube station - I kid you not it is amazing! Look for the christmas lights.

Back to matters more musical -From here the pursuit of European domination was launched and it was here that it perished. And that is what makes Eurovision so brilliant.

I guess most Americans won't have heard of Eurovision so let me explain. It is a pan continental competion that takes in every country from Israel - Europe??? to Finland and Iceland and from Ireland to Moldova.

Which neatly reminds me if you know aything about cricket did you see Ireland and bangladesh last night? Two minnows of the game hammered India and Pakistan on Paddys Day. There is hope for all of us if that can happen!

Anyway, Eurovision is an excuse for all the gays. transexuals and frustrated cabaret singers on an entire continent to sing away in front of millions of like minded people. ABBA started here.

It has been won by an Isreali transexual in the past and last year was won by LORDI a Finish band that never reveal who they are and instead dress as monsters from hell who hapen to lay hard rock. They drew th biggest EVER crowd in Helsinki last year with 90 000 people. So as you can see it's a big deal. It is also not open to Americans and that changes the entire perspective of the competition.

Isreal has a band that want to "PUSH THE BUTTON" this year as a dig at the Iranians - ironic really as the only ones who ever get shot are Arabs. The UK rejected hip hop act Big Brotaz and elected a group called Smoosch who are as camp as a row of tents and as for Holland......!

Now despite the fun of Eurovision there is one thing that never fails and that is the voting. You can see geo-political arguments every year when it comes to votes. Greece will always gove Cyprus 10 points. Cyprus gives Greece 10 points. Germany always votes for Isreal and Israel always igonores Germany. France will never vote for anyone who has a hope of winning unless its Belgium and everyone else is so pissed they can't remember who to vote for so they vote for Ireland.

Thats why Eire has won it about 40 times and is in danger of going bankrupt because believe me when I say that a donkey with a sore throat is better than half of the acts in the comp. Ireland can't produce a bad singer even if they resort to tonsilectomy so they keep on winning.

I really hope this year that Europe does what it always does and flips out as soon as the temperature goes over 10c and votes for the chick from Malta. I haven't heard here but apparently she has tried and failed to get in 11 times before and when you think that there are only 14 people from Malta who enter every year she has got to be pretty bad. But she is persistent and she will enjoy the week in Finland more than any other man alive (woman). So when the time comes VOTE MALTA! Reward Endeavour and get this girl to the top of the charts in 30 countries. God knows she has got to be better than some who have made it already!

The reason I am here is to do a deal with a contact from East of the Bosphorous. We need to get into Russian and the old soviet block, so I met up with a guy who was the Turkish entrant in 1994 outside his club, the Artemis. Nice place and very original use of toweling - more on that another day. Suffice to say this guy gets whatever he wants and has a metod of doing business that is rather like that other Turkish emperor Ahmet Ehretegun RIP. His favourite triack was to bring two gilrls with him to a meeting and then use them to distract you from the deal just enough for him to come out as a winner. He would then leave and take the girls with him leaving a trail of destruction, legends and moist tissues in his wake.

BEWARE A TURK BEARING GIFTS!!

The old sinsister intrigue of the cold war is alive and well and living in Berlin. So is Electro so get over here if you play that stuff.

TCHUSE