bye to the era of major label dominance

As 06 looms in the rearview I have been thinking about what the future holds again.

Nothing is certain apart from the fact that the major labels are no longer as loved as they once were.

Praise be!

It always takes 5 or ten years for a new century to dawn after the clock ticks over. Maybe we will still be here in a few years.

Good luck to you all

robbed

Monday morning and we come in to find the office is a mess. The door has been smashed and there is glass all over the place.

The thieves took our new plasma TV and a good chunk of xmas spirit. Thankfully they left our computers alone - I guess the TV was too big to carry - we couldn't get it in the car to have it delivered - so that was some bonus. It means that we have had to have anew door fitted and bolt everything down with chains.

Anyway thats life I guess.

I decided to get my own back on the villains so here is a copy of the letter we have now got posted on the entrance to our building. Enjoy and feel free to use it if you ever get done over.

TO THE THEIVEING BASTARDS THAT STOLE OUR TV

If you are capable of reading this – which we doubt as you are clearly as stupid as horse shit – you will be delighted to know that your face is now on CCTV which we have installed.


SMILE!


The longer you read this note the better the picture will be and we are sure that by the time you get this far you will have started to panic.

DON’T

No need – the police will be in touch soon.

We hope you enjoy Santa’s visit when he comes over with a nice search warrant and some big hammers to smash down the door of the shithole you call home.

In case you didn’t know thieves always get caught. You are just too dumb not to.

Incidentally I bet your dick is as small as a walnut now.

Just wait until you get raped in the showers! How big and clever will you feel then?

Before you leave we wanted to say we hope that you get HIV from your cell mate and that you spend every Christmas in Hell from now on you low life bastards.

Yours truly,

All the decent people in the world who will get you in the end

crowd surfing

Sunday and I have just recovered from a big trip to Melbourne seeing Glovebox at their Xmas party.

What a top gig. I know you weren't there and there are a billion places that rant on about the bands that people like but this is a rare one for me. I am a bit jaded after years of pub rock bands and to see a band that had the audience cheering becasue the show was fun is excellent.

I mean how many times have you been to a show that you stumbled into that had some pseudo rockers posing like dead men at the front of the stage. I have seen hundreds and a lot of them were bands that sounded great on record but were absolute crap live. This time the live show was streets ahead of the record.

The best bit was when Mish (singer) decided to crowd surf. That's not unusual except when there are only fourty people in front of the stage! I though for onehorrible moment that it was going to end in a night at the Emergency room but buggerme if it didn't go off like a religious experience. The crowd just carried her around like a deity! WOW.

Finished up sleeping at 3.30 am with a head full of beer and beats. Oh and a Pomeranian dog that jumped on my bed and snuffled all night. Back on the plane at 11 and after a 2 hour flight with mrs miserable as my neighbour got home - very happy indeed.

Becasue they are so good it means we have to work harder. That's not bad at all. Time for a rest now. '05 has been a roller coaster.

Happy Christmas

predictions for 2006

we are doomed DOOMED I SAY

or are we?

Predictions for 2006

Israel will bomb Tehran and petrol will get expensive as all hell.

Global warming will make sure the wheat harvest in America fails and the fatties in Oklahoma will be forced to eat bun-less burgers.

Cars will be solar and sail powered and the isle of man will become the country with the fastest public transport system in the world.

Banana futures will soar

Iraq will be abandoned by the coalition of the willing but over 100 000 troops will remain because there isn't enough diesel to get them home again. They will intermarry the locals and the new "lost tribe of Indiana" will form. They will lay claim to Raleigh NC as the new Jerusalem and in 10 000 years their decendents will return to annex the back yards of the mexican immigrants who live there.

England and Germany will face each other in the world cup and England will win because the Germans will not be able to convert their Mercedes to fuel cells in time to get to the match. The England coach will be powered by hot air from Mrs Beckham and rendered down brylcreem.

Onions will become a valuable commodity.

2006 will be know as year zero and Pol Pot will come out of hiding with a press release saying - TOLD YOU SO!

Australia will be forgotten and languish in the souther hemisphere where it will adopt the ways of the aboriginals. Kangaroos will be revered as the bringers of all things good and Wombats will be worshipped.

New Zealand won't change a bit.

In France there will be a committee to discuss the problems of the world but it will never reach a consensus and the members will be found as dessicated skeletons by an archeologist from Togo in the year 12 21.

The new museum of the fallen arches will be opened in Northampton - home of Doc martens - by the president of the peoples republic of Chelsea - Dennis Skinner

Jamie Oliver will be ritually roasted at Tower Bridge by homeless chefs in an open air ceremony. (please bring your own balsamic vinegar and sea salt)

Robbie Williams will marry Jeffrey Archer

There will be delays in purgatory as there are leaves on the lay lines.

Godzilla will emerge and marry The Loch Ness monster in a beautiful ceremony. The arch bishop of Canterbury will officiate.

The Queen will die.

Paul W bacon will fall in love with a nice girl from Wigan and settle down to run a post office in Scarborough. They will have the first of the 5 children before he wins the lottery and leaves her for a Bradford lady boy called Karl.

King Charles be so delighted he will get pissed before the coronation. He will then be stricken with gout and declare that he is gay. Camilla will reveal her real name is Cameron.

GW Bush will become a not very good con and will be the first american president to be arrested and tried for treason. He will be sentenced to the death penalty but will be spared by a last minute plea for clemency by President Gloria Estefan.

Fidel Castro will make a pact with the devil and join the republican party.

Coldplay will make another album about dull stuff and Chris Martin will father a child with Angelina Jolie who they will name Benzine.

U2 will split, thus going to No1 on every chart for ever.

Paul McCartney will get divorced. The acrimonious split will result in Britain's GDP decreasing by 24%

Rupert Murdoch will also divorce. His ex-wife will marry Woody Allen in a bizarre Mormon ceremony attended by the hoards of hades and a string quartet.

Gary Glitter will launch a new porno DVD. " THE BIG BOYS GUIDE TO SEX WITH THE OVER 60's".

The most desirable place to holiday will be Greenland.

Dr Marcus Coles of Cambridge university will discover the secrets of fusion one dark winters night. However he will be so stoned and tired from changing nappies that he will forget and the world will remain in darkness for 1000 years until a Vulcan arrives to explain how easy it is and that all we really needed was a can of TIZER and a copy of razzle.

yours

Nostrodamus Jnr

Make mine a large one

I wanted to throw in a few memories about a weird day I once had in outback Australia with The Lovemakers.

We had all travelled from the coast in a toyota van at about 190kms all the way. There were 5 of us and the trip took about 10 hours so by the time we got in it was dark and we were all on ROODAR watch. mainly because those big roo's are killers if you hit them. Scott was peering out of the windows like his life depended on it - which it did.

We had traversed a million miles of bog all when we finally hit town to be greeted with a cold beer and knowing looks from the locals.

All good then. Beer and barbeques commence and everyone is really happy to be there.

Next day check out the gig - 650 people from all over the outback are coming to see the guys and it's fraught with tension. This being Country and Western land hardly anyone had even heard a synth let alone the Lovemakers.

I will tell you more about this as and when I get time but lets concentrate on Conan the sound man for now.

Conan is - as his name suggests - enormous. A true man mountain. When he speaks the floor rumbles and he is decked out in black T shirt and miniscule shorts that reveal a musculature that resembles Arnie on steroids. His mere presence makes the room shrink.

He has just driven from tropical Queensland in a 6 cylinder van that has 3 operations pots for over 2 days and he needs a beer or 2. He is not in the mood to listen to some fussy americans about how they want their foldback to sound. Suffice to say the day does not begin well.

In a room decorated with ballons and tinsel Conan stands prodly behind his Mad Max desk and turns knobs and sliders as if they were Scott Blondes neck. Every request for " a bit more guitar" is greeted with a rumble of thunder as the thunder god controls his rage. Only Lisa is not intimidated. Her tits are like a shield of steel and she knows she can have any man in the room if she wants. Except me! Today I am the manger and therefore a sexless manipulator of all mankind - not to be trusted.

Sound check finishes a bit early. About 1 hour early and all are worried about the forthcoming gig.

What to do?

Manager me slips into full on bullshit mode and attempts the "fucking wankers' approach. "Bloody yanks etc etc.

It has some effect and I get a partial ackowledgement of my existence which I take as a good sign.

Right leave it there.

Back to hotel - beer o clock.

Back to gig for first of 2 sets. OH FUCK ! Sound is terrible. Conan the destroyer makes the band sound like the mouseketeers.

Much doom ensues - we have another set to come and the audience are restless and confused. Who are these american limp dicks? Some people have driven over 500 km to be here.

Wallet time I think.

Off to the bar to buy 12 cans of jack and Coke. Nothing else said - just put them in eyeline of Conan and retreat gracefuly.

Set 2 is a masterpiece. Aurally and visually it is the best show I ever saw them play. Conan makes the rickety old sound system as sweet as a million dollar rig. Audience in raptures.

The Moral

Every man can be bought - you just need to know the price.

THE END OF IT ALL

Did video kill the radio star?

NAH!

Will itunes kill retail - you bet your ass it will.

This just in - music sales down 20% in 2005.

Why?

Lots of reasons but the main one is that big stores like wal mart are selling cd's at $5 and losing on them to get you to buy in their stores.

Other retail is squeezed at both ends - competition from stores and online.

Labels eat shit all the time now because we have to pay for recordings and marketing and all that and radio won't play new music much so we all loose out. New acts sell less than they used to so they aren't signed so no more new music so no new stars so ......... vicious circle time.

Something has to give.

Keep the faith and we will find a way.

Hopefully it is the big companies that will bite the dust and give us all a chance to get back in the game.

The glass is half full. Mostly thanks to indie labels and acts who keep going regardless and who will create the soundtrack to your lives for the next 20 years.

Bring it on!

handing out awards

Off to Melbourne on Friday to hand over the award to Glovebox.

Looking forward to that.

menawhile here is a snippet I picked up off the web



Glen Matlock was shopping in Selfridges recently
and bumped into Noel Gallagher, who was buying
some shirts. They swapped pleasantries and went
their separate ways. A few minutes later a
fan approached Matlock, shook his hand and
said it made his day to meet him. Matlock
told the bloke that if he had been five minutes
earlier he could have met Noel Gallagher.

The reply: "Well, who wants to meet
that cunt?"

jenna jameson

Some of our mates in yankeeland invited us to a shin dig in Texas next year.

NICE

Who will be there?
none other than Jenna Jameson sex godess and porn star!

Are we working with the right people?

Sydney

Sydney today for no other reason than Sydney is a great place.

Walking along through Darling harbour on a balmy summers evening and the office parties are in full swing.

Testosterone city.

All the women are done up like screen stars from the 50's and the vison is most beguiling.

Suddenly around the corner comes a girl in a stunning blue dress. Amazing how a normal girl like that can look a million dollars. I walk past and think about saying something but are we allowed to anymore?

Anyway I don't and I just keep hoping that someone tells her how good she looked. I wish I knew if she could sing!

c'est la vie

record contracts

Back to the music business.

I had to attend an open forum the other week as a panelist. Now this will be a real snore blog unless you are involved someway so I suggest you only read this if you have an inclination to legal matters.

The subject of the panel was record contracts and the like and it was quite an interesting discussion. There were some guys there who really knew what they were talking about but as the conversation ranged over a wide area including recording, touring, synch rights and so on we got a bit involved in finding out what mangers and acts were thinking about.

I was really surprised to find that people are actually quite clued up about this really deadly dull area. I guess if you are thinking that you are going to make lots of money it is important. I was even more surprised to find out that bands are really reluctant to invest in themselves.

Everyone there had an opinion about what made a good deal for bands and labels and so on but hardly anyone was interested in looking at the bigger picture. It seemed like the deal was done on paper alone and there was no reason for anyone to make that the starting point for their business relationships.

What I mean is that once a deal is done it is only the begining. It is like a marriage and once the initial love is over you have to work like abastard to keep the marriage alive. No one seemed to get that and I found it illuminating. After all if you expect sex you at least need to get into foreplay right?

One guy asked me if I thought he should register his bands name as a trademark.

Damn right I do - that is all you have left if it all goes to shit. Who knows what might happen and if you have a record out there and you own the rights you can get tons back if someone steals the name later on. Look at the spinners - detroit spinners fight back in the day and you will get the idea.

think big and forget the numbers on the contract - get the records out there and sold and you willbe able to fight like a bastard later. Don't argue about money you don't have and may never get - argue about what is real and now.

DO YOU KNOW?

Do you know how long it takes to get a record out?

Answers on a blog comment and I willl tell you.

CLUE - more than a week.

bush, dick and colon

I had to put that triumverate as the headline - after all we have been waiting ages for such a tidy collection of body parts to run the world!

sneak executions

The thought for today isn't really about music at all. In fact it is about how we are all manipulated into believing the things we are made to believe.

Here it is: Down here in Australia there has been an almighty fuss about a guy who just got hung in Singapore for drug trafficking. His name was Van Ngyen. Since he was busted about 3 years ago there has been nothing written about him at all. At least until the Singaporeans killed him that is.

What has happened is that a few other aussies have been arrested in Bali for doing the same thing.

This is where it gets interesting. One of them - Michelle Corby is white and from the Gold Coast where her family are well known for being shall we say dodgy dealers? She was done for having about a pillow case worth of hash in her boogie board bag. She is also pretty good looking and it made a lot of headlines here when she was found guilty.

Later on another foxy chick was arrested but this time she was only half white and her name was Michelle Leslie I think. She had 2 tabs of E and was duly locked up. All the press were behind here until her family paid a bribe and she said she was muslim so that she could get out of stir. When she got back here it was only to be greeted by an outraged press and a few evil sods with axes to grind.

Meanwhile there are 9 kids - yes 9 ! who were shopped to the Indonesian police for smuggling H. About 3 - 5 kilo's each from Bali to Aus. Most are ugly and or Asian in origin. Now here is the interesting part - The Australian Federal Police knew what they were doing because a parent had told them so that they would stop it from happening. Instead they let them go ahead and now they all face the death penalty in Bali. Press coverage is almost non existent at present as they are still waiting to be tried. You better believe it will ramp up when the rifles are loaded.

So what is the point of telling you this?

Well it is a really neat way to execute people without getting bloody hands. It also demonises the "foreign" devils who encourage such barbarism and it also sends a signal to the ethnic minorities that the Aussie Security services are watching and will get you whereever you are. Tidy population control eh?

The moral here is this: If you vote in cynical evil men you get cynical evil policies. Beware!

why bands hardly ever get it right

Hi there

I thought I would just throw in a few choice experiences for all you blog watchers out there.

Here is the first thing that I get asked about and perhaps the most pertinent. Over the years I have been asked this a million times - how do I get started and become famous? By now I have concluded that that is the wrong question. Instead ask yourself this:


WHY do great bands hardly ever get famous?

In reply here is one possible answer:

The maths that means it’s almost inevitable.

Or to make life easier and save you years of heartache and empty pockets -

How to get it wrong - 101

The music business is a weird and wonderful thing. People call it an industry – which it is in a way – but it is more like a medieval kingdom where loads of evil robber barons roam free. For every kingdom to be built a million peasants must give their lives. Are you one of the peasants or Kings?

Think of it this way, there are about one million bands at any given moment who all think they are the best thing since the Beatles. Of that million bands perhaps 10% have talent and the rest just like to think they have it.

From that 10% there are about 10% who have any idea of how the music business operates and generally they are the older ones who have been through it all before.

Sadly in our fickle world no one wants to look or listen to old musicians so the 10% who could do it are out of the game from day 1. That leaves the 90% who have no idea.

Some of the remaining 90% have a contact who says they can help – lets assume this leaves half of them in the game – that’s about 5% of our original group. In this example that’s 50 000 bands.

Now - Ask yourself if the people who say they can do things are always realists and you will undoubtedly answer – NO! but for our purposes lets assume 50% have a chance of delivering – that means 25 000 bands with some know how and talent are still in with a chance.

In America every year there are around 30 000 cd’s released. So if you assume that 30% of those are new acts that leaves a grand total of about 10 000 chances for an album up for grabs and 25 000 bands competing worldwide. Around a 1:2 chance to get a deal. Sounds great doesn’t it. You are one of the certainties and can’t fail to get in there. From now on lets assume the Gods have favoured you and you have signed with a label.

Now lets ask the key question – what are you doing to make it work?
Not what has your label done – YOU?

Have you got gigs?
Have you got songs?
Have you got fans?
Have you toured outside your local area?

Frankly who cares? Most bands do and get nowhere. Do it anyway but don’t expect it to pay off everytime. Those are the basics that you must do before you are even a band.

That is the industry part – sweat and tears in Dubuque on a wet Wednesday in May when your PA has blown and the drummer has a busted finger. INDUSTRY means something – it means work and that means an aching back not a sore finger from hammering frets.

If you want success you need to look at other angles before you start.

What genre are you?
Don’t tell me a cross between Rap and Metal. I don’t care.
Tell me radio categories - AAA, ROCK, AC – What?

Why Radio?
Because that is the kingdom you are trying to take over. Not TV or any other media – RADIO.

If you want to be realistic about your chances aim high and expect to fall.

Don’t be picky and do the usual band thing of saying “I fucking hate Shania Twain (replace with any act you hate). If you hate them you know them; If you know them they are successful and where you want to be. Hate them because they have your place in the pantheon of music not because they play trite music. Learn from success.

Every band needs to know that trying to emulate Radiohead or Bob Marley is not going to work. The guys at Clear Channel don’t give a fuck how good you are – all they care about is how many listeners can you hold until the next ad break. Your label is in the business of doing that for them and if it don’t fit they won’t wear it.

Remember this fact if nothing else – your audience doesn’t know or care what chords you are playing. They know what makes their hearts beat faster and that’s all they know.

Every label sets out with the sole ambition of being real music fans until the dollars start fading and the thrill of signing new acts is replaced by the reality of what each new act means in terms of work. You may think your label is shit and doesn’t do anything for you. Maybe they don’t but instead of blaming them ask yourself why?

Have you had a row about art or track lists or songs or politics or any of the other million things that affect daily life?
If you have what was the objection?
Can you deal with it?
If not walk away.
Otherwise bite the bullet and get on with it.

What good is being right about everything when you are broke and miserable. Believe me it is much easier to be right when you are rich – ask Mr Murdoch.

Bands always complain about Distro and forget that distro is just that – it isn’t a permanent sales team ready to do your bidding. They don’t have a magic wand to make stores buy your album. Basically distro is a warehouse and few trucks with cd’s in. They deliver product you need to deliver value.

Everyone and I mean everyone at the sharp end of the music business is upbeat about everything. They have to be or they would all commit suicide.

Musicians must believe they are the greatest otherwise why write new stuff?
Labels believe their acts are special otherwise why sign them?

At the dull end things are different.
Lawyers get paid and have no judgement issues.
Manufacturers and distro don’t care if its music or tampons so long as it sells.
PR gets paid for making stuff up so they will say anything.
Radio doesn’t need you – if it did would all those Gold stations work? There is enough music there to satisfy anyone.

So what the hell do you do?

Easy

Decide who you want to sing for – If you know who the song is for everything else is easy.

Look in a mirror and see if you are looking good or crap. Adjust accordingly

Figure out what you can do to help your label to convince radio and distro and fans and every one else to buy your records.

Press the flesh. (I mean work every situation as a way to get the word out – not wanking!)

Play every gig like it’s your first. Energy is a wonderful thing – it transmits itself ten fold.

Relax in the mansion and spend 20 years slagging off Britney for leaving her trash in the drive next door.

George and John

Elton and Michael are getting married - but not to each other.

Maybe someone missed a great PR op there!

Imagine how big that wedding would have been!!

Just a thought.

WE WON AN AWARD

What a week this has been!

Lovely Ian the A&R manager went off to LA and had a great time meeting and greeting California's great and good.

With his invite for the NEW MUSIC WEEKLY AWARDs clutched firmly in his sticky paw he went off to the KEY CLUB on the strip expecting to go home with nothing more than a hangover.

The night progressed and all the celebs did their thing; Kris "gravel voiced" Kristopherson made his speech, Buck did the host thing and about 50 other celbs came and went until suddenly - the winners are ... "GLOVEBOX!"

Who was there to collect it - only IAN! So he staggers up to the podium wasted - thanks all and sundry from his mum to the lady who washed his shirt at the laundry that morning and waddled off home clutching his big black heavy award.

The rest of the week passed in a haze with various bands - THE LOVEMAKERS, BEDROOM WALLS, HEAVENLY STATES and a load of guys from Warners, Geffen and Universal. He was busy.

As for me - I sat in the office listening to the sound of thunder and pidgeons. Some guys have all the luck.

DRIVE in dead silence

I have been doing some reviews for garageband recently and I have heard some wonderful and awfull tracks equally.

So I get in the car to go home and what is on the radio - more bloody drivel.

Can someone please get on the phone and sort out the damn music please.

Make us laugh, sob, sing, shit - whatever but please stop the brain drain and keep James Blunt away from the airwaves.

You are soooooooooooooooooo wet!

Did you know that he is a super rick kid who did army service in Kosovo and now all he can do is warble about how much he loves his girl. Looks like he spent the entire time in a tank wanking! Public school UK style. No wonder we lost the empire.

redneck agenda

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !!!!!!

I often ask myself that question. Don't you?

I thought for today's blog I would just get you to think about why we made an historic trip to Libya in early 05.

It was great and terrible in equal measure.

The story began when we decided to take the first american rock band - The Heavely States - to Libya.
I guess what the point was is fairly obvious.

Anyway the trip was fraught with hassles and it got us lots of publicity in Newsweek and NPR and all over the planet.

There are lots of reasons why I did it and if you want to read about the whole thing the best way is to read Rob Harvilla's journal here -

http://www.eastbayexpress.com/issues/2005-03-02/news/feature.html

Now that a year has passed I think the real reason why is the same reason that mountaineers climb up big hills- because it was there.

So there is your moral - If you want to be a music success do something extra ordinary.

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

Just a quick post here.

I had a bloody great bit of news. Glovebox won the phone in poll on JOY FM in MELBOURNE - AUSTRALIA. That means they headline at the GAY _ AZ festival and then we got news that they are now headliners at the Mid-summa festival in Feb.

Not bad for a bunch from the dark side of down under.

Maybe our karma is paying off at last.

EVER BEEN CONNED?

Bit strange this blog but it is a warning to all you music kids out there.

We had a big push with a radio rep this week and we were convinced that they could deliver the goods when it came to getting one of or bands on commercial radio stateside.

All good and friendly until they came back with a price.

OVER $100 000!

What the.........


We went back and said "hold on there cowboy - that's crazy"

So they came back with a new figure - $20 000

Huh?

Dropped by a factor of 5 in one call.

Methinks that something is wrong here.

So we said no thanks.

They are allover the web with advice but our advice is say no and go elsewhere.