predictions for 2006

we are doomed DOOMED I SAY

or are we?

Predictions for 2006

Israel will bomb Tehran and petrol will get expensive as all hell.

Global warming will make sure the wheat harvest in America fails and the fatties in Oklahoma will be forced to eat bun-less burgers.

Cars will be solar and sail powered and the isle of man will become the country with the fastest public transport system in the world.

Banana futures will soar

Iraq will be abandoned by the coalition of the willing but over 100 000 troops will remain because there isn't enough diesel to get them home again. They will intermarry the locals and the new "lost tribe of Indiana" will form. They will lay claim to Raleigh NC as the new Jerusalem and in 10 000 years their decendents will return to annex the back yards of the mexican immigrants who live there.

England and Germany will face each other in the world cup and England will win because the Germans will not be able to convert their Mercedes to fuel cells in time to get to the match. The England coach will be powered by hot air from Mrs Beckham and rendered down brylcreem.

Onions will become a valuable commodity.

2006 will be know as year zero and Pol Pot will come out of hiding with a press release saying - TOLD YOU SO!

Australia will be forgotten and languish in the souther hemisphere where it will adopt the ways of the aboriginals. Kangaroos will be revered as the bringers of all things good and Wombats will be worshipped.

New Zealand won't change a bit.

In France there will be a committee to discuss the problems of the world but it will never reach a consensus and the members will be found as dessicated skeletons by an archeologist from Togo in the year 12 21.

The new museum of the fallen arches will be opened in Northampton - home of Doc martens - by the president of the peoples republic of Chelsea - Dennis Skinner

Jamie Oliver will be ritually roasted at Tower Bridge by homeless chefs in an open air ceremony. (please bring your own balsamic vinegar and sea salt)

Robbie Williams will marry Jeffrey Archer

There will be delays in purgatory as there are leaves on the lay lines.

Godzilla will emerge and marry The Loch Ness monster in a beautiful ceremony. The arch bishop of Canterbury will officiate.

The Queen will die.

Paul W bacon will fall in love with a nice girl from Wigan and settle down to run a post office in Scarborough. They will have the first of the 5 children before he wins the lottery and leaves her for a Bradford lady boy called Karl.

King Charles be so delighted he will get pissed before the coronation. He will then be stricken with gout and declare that he is gay. Camilla will reveal her real name is Cameron.

GW Bush will become a not very good con and will be the first american president to be arrested and tried for treason. He will be sentenced to the death penalty but will be spared by a last minute plea for clemency by President Gloria Estefan.

Fidel Castro will make a pact with the devil and join the republican party.

Coldplay will make another album about dull stuff and Chris Martin will father a child with Angelina Jolie who they will name Benzine.

U2 will split, thus going to No1 on every chart for ever.

Paul McCartney will get divorced. The acrimonious split will result in Britain's GDP decreasing by 24%

Rupert Murdoch will also divorce. His ex-wife will marry Woody Allen in a bizarre Mormon ceremony attended by the hoards of hades and a string quartet.

Gary Glitter will launch a new porno DVD. " THE BIG BOYS GUIDE TO SEX WITH THE OVER 60's".

The most desirable place to holiday will be Greenland.

Dr Marcus Coles of Cambridge university will discover the secrets of fusion one dark winters night. However he will be so stoned and tired from changing nappies that he will forget and the world will remain in darkness for 1000 years until a Vulcan arrives to explain how easy it is and that all we really needed was a can of TIZER and a copy of razzle.

yours

Nostrodamus Jnr