Maldroid and the great mountainering monster

In England there is a famous explorer - Ranolph Fynnes - who is currently half way up the North face of the Eiger. The man is reknown for tramping across deserts and arctic tundra with nothing but a tootpick and a pair of Damart thermals for protection. He is the sort of guy that eats polar bears for breakfast and eskimo's for lunch.

A genuine throwback.

He is also a total twat!

Thanks to Sir Ran (as he likes to be known) there are corpses of young men scattered across the globe. Most of them were trying to help with some madcap escapade and got just got caught in the cross fire.

Promises of glory, fame and self achievement all amounted to nothing when the chips were down and Ran needed to run.

These days he makes a living from motivational speaking and from the accounts I have heard 80% of the men (it is always men) who hear him think that he is an icon and the other 20% think - like me - that he is a tit.

Which is worth thinking about for a minute. Why would there be such a discrepancy?

Well, it all comes down to experience.

You see, if you have been on one of his "trips" and got out alive you would no doubt have realised that Ran and his kind are ego manical toss pots who only do things for their own self gratification. Oh, of course there is the pretence that its all for science or to test mans endurance bollocks but really its all about having a collosal ego. Once you have breen bruised by that kind of obsession there is no way you want to go near it again.

Which brings me on to signing new bands.

You see the thing with finding new acts - or A&R as we oldies like to call it - is that you need to find acts just before the masses do. But at the same time they need to be "bubbling" and building a fan base.

The latest one to cross my path is Maldroid from San Francisco.

These guys popped up on my screen last year and we have been following them since. They have really worked the system well and have won you tube video competitions and have created a bit of a buzz around the bay and beyond.

So when I spoke to Ryan from the band at first a few months ago it all seemed great. I liked their work and wanted to release it for them with an eye to taking them on if things worked out well. I was quite excited about the prospect and I thought we could do something with them that would be productive and let's be honest lucrative.

Since then the massed ranks of A&R have found out about them too and now I hear from a birdie that in the line at sxsw they are one of the buzz bands of the festivities.

Now for us that's bad. It means a bidding war and there is no way we will get close to a band I really rate. For them its excellent and I wish them all the best but it also means the inevitable "Ran Ego" will be growing deep in the brain of at least one of them. Sooner or later someone will get their fingers burnt / frostbitten or gnawed off by beavers and that will be that.

The monster that is music has reared its ugly head and if it's like this now it will only get bigger and bolder as time goes on. Either they will emerge as monsters of rock themselves or they will be chewed up and spat out. Who knows?

Anyway, all that means that we aren't even going to try to compete. We can't offer what the others offer. There are no big cheques or groupies on draft. We aren't climbing the north face of the Eiger. We are sitting on a pretty terrace with a pot of herbal tea and a copy of the Times crossword as the sun sets over the Matterhorn.

I know where I would rather be right now.


How about you?

Austin - centre of chaos

Yodel aye eee whoooo!

Fresh from the museli and crunchy nut cornflake enema I sit (carefully) at my computer and sneer with distain at the carnage that is about to begin in Austin.

Actually I am begining to regret not going a bit but then you can't be mental and live in a rubber room when there is work to be done now can you?

I have just been informed of some of the stats for this years sxsw and it's insane.
Get this:
1536 acts will perform at the event this year.
Most of them will do 3 or more shows. (Thats over 3000 shows in 4 days!!!!)
The UK alone has 123 showcases
SXSW has trebled in size since 2001

With all that lot bashing away for a week you have to wonder where you start. (If you are Joe from our San Francisco office you snog the singer of Flaming lips - yeeuch!)

The thing is that the whole shebang was set up to showcase new acts to labels and other media so they had a chance of seeing what was good bad or indifferent in a few days. These days though it has become a frantic rush from one venue to another if you are in A&R or a good excuse to get hammered and see some old favorites if you aren't.

I will guarantee you that the best results from this week will not come from a show but from someone schmoozing at the 4 Seasons bar one wild night.

If my experience is anything to go on the only shows the "players" will attend will be at Stubbs or maybe Emo's on the first night and after that they will be in room 701 getting jiggy with a nice gal called Amber from the day- night agency in San Antonio. ($200 / hour plus expenses).



Have you seen who is making news before the event has even kicked off? The Stooges, Pete Townsend and David Byrne. Great artists but hardly unsigned raw talent are they?

It makes me fret when I know how hard people try to make an impact and the promises are all false. The most lucrative part of being there is as a sound tech or bar owner not as part of a wanna be band.

The excitment that once was sxsw is now just a corporate "fuck me over" disguised as a break through opportunity.

Until they get a grip and really get the event back to being for new and unknown bands it will be just another excuse for milking the indie cow until the udders bleed dry. Canadian Music Week is a much better bet these days and you don't need to check your guns at the door or wave the lone star flag to avoid getting killed on your way back East either.

It is such a pity that it has all gone corporate but you know how well informed and unprincipled "the man" is and if you invite him into your boudoir don't be surprised if he rips off your knickers and roots you on the floor. You were ASKING FOR IT now weren't you? (The Defense rests your Honour).

I told you - time and again in my fantastic new book - THE SOUND OF MONEY - but would you listen (or buy it even?) no no no! Why not - well because it's not published until summer but you can pre-order if you like (see I learnt a trick or two from my hours at the Hilton coffee shop).

If you feel disillusioned after sxsw and you haven't made that major breakthrough please feel free to join me at the ADOLF KLEPTINGER CLINIC, COMO, SWITZERLAND, EUROPE where we will be auditioning glockenspiel players on April 12th at 2pm. (Black Tie essential)

Auf Wiedersein

Swiss slumbers

SXSW kicks off again next week and like every year everyone in the industry is gearing up for a week of beer, boppig and blagging. Except me.
I have taken this year off - the cohorts are over there mixing it up with the indie scene kings but I just haven't got it in me this year.
Instead I have been to Zurich to deposit a massive amount of money stolen from bands who are now on food stamps in the mid west town of "yessum Jethro"

After the gnomes took my ill gotten gains into their tiny , but somehow perfectly sculpted vaults I went into the hinterland where I am now ensconced with a cup of Ovaltine. I have booked myself in for 6 months in a Swiss herbalist retreat where i am having intensive treatment for post release depression.
Every day the doctors prescribe herbs and bottles of fresh Madagascan air to help me recover from millions of air miles and only slightly fewer musicians.

It is heavenly.

The only music is the sound of thebirds and the occassional clank of the cow bells on the mountains. Berne is amazing this time of year.

No one has called me dude and the distant glitter of lights on the lake are a tonic for the soul.

This is what music has driven me too.

I may be back.
Then again I may not.

Its nice here in paradise.

You should try it sometime.
Stop worrying and trying so hard.
It will happen if it happens.
If it doesn't so what. have an egg nog and go to bed.

Things will look better in the morning.

RUDENESS

This has nothing to do with music, but why are people so rude?

I have just put an ad on ebay for a sxsw pass and listed it as a Gold pass. Genuine mistake and the blurb that went along with the ad makes it clear that its music only.

First off all someone asked me if they can collect it in cash at the venue! Duh. If I was there I wouldn't be selling the pass would I?

Then another numpty wants to "buy it now" despite the fact they can buy one direct from sxsw at cost immediately anyway - so what's the point in putting it up for auction? Is the whole world on a mission to rip off anyone they can?

Then another says that its too much. SO DON"T BUY IT! What good is that comment?

Now I have another one telling me I am defrauding the public by calling it a Gold pass. Pedant could see what it was all along. I apologised but it is a rather sad state of affairs when even something as simple as this results in threats.

Finally I listed a cryptic ad for potential new band members and got this as a reply,

"I think what you are asking people to do is wank for coins......"

Now that really defeats me. Why bother?

I replied and told the emailer that they were not the chosen one and to have a nice day. Amazingly she replied with this:

" Good luck with finding 'The chosen' : ) "

at last ... civility

So, if anyone wants to spam and abuse please think twice. I have had enough of rude abusive people to last a lifetime. No wonder its all messed up.

Maybe we could start a list of people who are abusive and send them all roses. That might cheer them up (and perhaps the bug that has crawled up their arses would come out and smell the perfume.)

Peace dear reader. Peace to you and Peace off to the obnoxious.

The link to the sxsw ad is on this blog if you read it in time