96.4% of Musicians are Idiots

The other 3.6% aren't trying.

Happy Holidays people,

In previous blogs I have mentioned manners - or rather the lack of them - as being one of the major reasons for a musical career in the doldrums.

Today I wanted to remind you about how important manners are and also how important it is to make sure that your message is getting across.

It's really quite simple but it bears repeating. You must remember at all times that the guys on your team are also ON YOUR SIDE!

(The number of times I have come across the kind of "everyone is trying to screw me," paranoia is making me think that there is a a conspiracy of silence on this issue. Why aren't we being told?)

In order to elborate a little and get my message across I brought you firstly the list of the most offensive words - as compiled by the BBC. I am sure if you look at the list you will see words that you come across in everyday useage.

Now, I may sound like your Mum but these words are fine if your "gang" uses them on a regular basis. That kind of common repetition devalues the shock element and neuters some of these words until they lose most of their meaning. BUT... and this is big but ( like J Lo's but not so attractive!) Outside of your peer group the words are still offensive and must be used with care.

Let me give you an example of how dangerous your ambivalent attitude to words can be.

I was on a plane travelling from Indonesia to Papua New Guinea once. The flight is 5 minutes long and lands in a town called Vanimo. There is one plane a week and it is a big deal for the customs boys there. Now, as you know I am a Western Imperialist who cares nought for the social niceties of foreign lands and so when we landed I thought that my British Passport would carry the same amount of credibilty as having a Black Amex does in Saks 5th Avenue. Boy, was I wrong!

The customs officer asked me where my visa was and I pointed to one in my passport. It transpired that this was a single entry visa and that I had not got the correct stamp. When the large and very aggresive gent behind the counter pointed this out to me my reply was simply - "Oh you are joking: which means I can't believe I made such a stupid and elementary mistake and could you please lok kindly on my ineptitude in small town England. In Papua New Guinea it is a major insult to question the veracity of a government official and if he were able to my interogator would have turned puce, Instead he ordered my bags off the plane and me onto a small bench where transgressors could be humiliated in plain view of the other departing - and legitimate guests.

I was totally bemussed and not a little scared They still have cannibals in PNG don't they? Was I going to be the main ingredient in Missionary stew? Would I be deported to Jaiapura after a week in the pot. Would he turn my skull into a new bongo? Why was he looking for the salt? This was not funny.

The plane was turned around and ordered to taxi to the end of the runway whilst my colleagues bartered for my safe release. There was a lot of grovelling and a lot of stern looks and waving arms going on and I was powerless. Every time I moved he shouted at me to stay put or there would be "CONSEQUENCES"!.

Eventually, after a good deal of bowing, scrapping, promises of virgin brides and praise of the locals virility and no small measure of personal ego massage the customs guy agreed to release me for 400 cigarettes and 2 cases of beer. He then scribbled a small note on the visa in crayon and took 20 Dollars for his trouble before releasing me into the foetid air of a Papuan Rainforest airstrip.

The engines were already running and the pilot waved at me to hurry up as I ran down the ever-lasting runway with my suitcase and heavily bruised ego in hand. The sweat ran of me like Niagra but my relief at getting out of there was enough to power a small aircraft carrier and as I hauled myself up the steps I gasped a last breath of swamp before slamming the door shut behind me and swallowing as much air conditioned, farty aeroplane air as I could get into my burning lungs. As the plane cranked up the power and took off I crawled to a seat and started shaking with relief.

The comlimentary nuts were a bit of a let down on that flight let me tell you.

So, the moral of this story is be careful what you say and who you say it to.

If you are a musician be nice to your fans, your manager, your label, your family and especially to people who may weild power over you that you are unaware of. If you don't it may cost you more than $20 and a case of Pacific Ice beer

Andiamo

NO MUFF TOO TOUGH

Genuflections at this time of the resurection my brothers and sisters,

(see how I am really getting into this thing about saying hello in a really posh way)

In this little missive I bring you two thoughts.

First of all if you are able to see the picture you will already know that I am really impressed by this womans brilliant adoption of inuendo and sleaze in the noble cause of selling T-Shirts. This is marketing genius and it almost makes me want to buy one of her shirts. If you can't see it here is the link;

http://www.bodyasbillboard.com/

The second and more music thought is one that has come to me the more I delve into the inner recesses of the blogosphere. It is this:

What a huge morass of sad and weird people there are with access to the Internet.

(AM I ONE OF THEM?)

Now, I know that porn was the foundation of this information super highway but I thought that by now there would be more than just pimps, wimps and pervs online but if you look at the blogs that are out there I doubt it.

There are tons of them that have not been updated since aboout 1994 - look up Melanie Griffiths blog if you don't believe me. Then there are the mentally subnormal ones like Perez Hilton. Somewhere inbetween though lies the truth of the blogsphere. It seems to be populated by a million cooks, whingers and shit musicians who are trying to flog MP3's by pretending they are going to donate to the latest charity. BULLSHIT THEY ARE!

So now you know.

If you are at all discerning you will filter out the insane quite easily but triping through the fields of average ability bloggers such as myself is nigh on impossible. It's rather like being in a pub and chatting to a nice guy at the bar. Its great for a few minutes but then you want to get back to your mates in case he mentions that he is a member of the local chapter of Slavers for England.

Sometimes its best not to know who is out there. Just in case.

It is safer and it is certainly better for your mental health.

I suggest that as your first step on the road to mental health you only read blogs that have typo's in but who do not write the first person singular as "i". These people are lazy and will probably come to your house demanding free board and lodging the next time you post a comment.

Adieu

RCA COLUMBIA - COMPUTERISED HELL

Incantations of Despair my afficionados

This has just appeared in my world and its a warning shot across the bows for all those pirates and buccanners that are trying to forge new empires in the wastelands of musical creativity.

Here is an exerpt from a "Blog" I just read on Vox.com



"SonyBMG Music Entertainment UK has just announced that starting April 2nd 2007 it will no longer accept demos from new artists on physical formats such as CDs for consideration by the company’s Columbia Records or RCA Records labels.

In fact, the only way RCA and Columbia Records UK will accept new music or demo submissions is via Vox! How cool is that?

We think it’s very cool to see entertainment companies embracing the multimedia aspect of blogs, and the way that Columbia and RCA UK are embracing Vox is exceptional. They explained it like this:


“We don't want demo CD's anymore, that's what part of this is about. It takes ages for you to do, they get lost and it's a waste of plastic. Register your blog and be part of our on-line community. You will be directly connected to us and everyone else who's in the community. That's the other reason for this, the artist community being closer to the labels they want to be involved with.”


WHAT THE HELL IS THAT APART FROM A COP OUT CHICKEN SHIT EXCUSE FOR A LABEL?

Oh what a great scam! Now we have a major that can't be bothered to go out and look for decent bands. It looks like the perfect way to keep the mystique going and hide behind a screen of green pseudo pretence without ever needing to employ another A&R guy again. No Artist and synthetic repotoire for all! Can't wait. 

Cd's aren't ever going to get anyone signed to a major - except by idiots like us in the indie world. We love music for its own sake and if the Majors want to get some credibility back they need to listen to music in all forms. CD, Live, MP3 or even in sheet form. They need to work at the front lines and not in an office somewhere.

It is just too important to leave to some computerised scanning machine to filter which is what this will mean before long.

Welcome to the machine age of creativity people!.

The Shipping Forecast

After expending my carbon credits by flying back from the land of the fathers I landed at Gatwick - the worlds most god forsaken airport - so that I could rush up to a meeting at the legendary townhouse studios in London.

This place is an amazing labyrinth of studios and mastering suits that has a history that basically writes the last 30 years of the british music business.

The great thing about my little visit is that both Al and Steve took me for a guided tour of the entire place - from the basement to the roof an it was a really charming place to be. I can see why musicians love it so much. In the bowels of the building I came across boxes of old DAT tapes from everyone who has ever been there. I picked up a dusty box and found it was an old Beta video tape of Iron Maiden live in Rio. Lying gathering dust in a damp basement - the stuff of legend. Someday someone will have a clear out and find hidden treasures like this that have been long forgotten.

It is sort of reassuring to find that despite my most cynical moments there are still places that have a real scent of musical history still hanging about.

On the way up to London I switched on the radio and heard one of the great British institutions - the Radio 4 SHIPPING FORECAST. In case you have never heard this it is just a list of sea areas and pressures, sea conditions and yet somehow it is redolent of the entire history of Britain. "Cromarty , Forth, Tyne Dogger. West North West 1008, falling." is the kind of thing you hear. "Thames, Dover Wight. gale force 8 gusting 9. Imminent."

The thing with the shipping forecast is that no matter what the weather man is saying he always says it in a clear calm voice so that boats out at sea can hear it and write it down. That way they will know in advance if they are going to sink in the perfect storm later that day. Nice. I only wish there was a music business forecast.

Can you imagine a broadcast that you could tune into that went along these lines:

"Digital, Live, Merch - 40% rising slowly.
Licence, Sync, Myspace. Anti-cyclonic. Steady.
Labels. Legals, CD, Retail, falling fast. Collapse Imminent."

What a relief that would be.

As you know we are at the unknown edge of a new weather front in the way music is managed. It is unpredicatable. A bit like the winter. One day calm, the next stormy. I do feel that right now the storm is just passing over and we may even emerge from the other side in the next year or two. It is feeling better now that it has for ages.

One thing that does worry me is that I have heard a few bits of news from the big city. Remember where you heard it first ( or second or ages ago ...)

Firstly Whitfield St studios shut down whilst I was in Aus. What a shame. Brilliant massive space, right in the centre of London. Then Sarn is in the dung again and so is Olympic and even Abbey Road is losing cash. What a terrible omen for the technicians and guardians of yore and what an opportunity for the new bucks with verve and a few dollars to spend on Pro tools and a decent Mac.

Clever men i shite coats with shiny heads are always inventing new ways to record and technology is always changing so that isn't really a problem but, what may be a problem is the loss of a community and shared experiences that places like these create. Its what what we all got into the business for after all. Weeks of sweaty hedonism in the dark, dank rooms where others have already behaved badly and brilliantly allow a certain creative freedom that a bedroom studio does not. I mean aren't you more likely to knock of the hookers and gak in a creative haze when you are in a proper studio than when you are blogging or watching clips on you tube whilst you wait for that damn render to finish?

We allow these places to decay at our peril.

Save the wailers.
Save the wail.

RUDENESS

This has nothing to do with music, but why are people so rude?

I have just put an ad on ebay for a sxsw pass and listed it as a Gold pass. Genuine mistake and the blurb that went along with the ad makes it clear that its music only.

First off all someone asked me if they can collect it in cash at the venue! Duh. If I was there I wouldn't be selling the pass would I?

Then another numpty wants to "buy it now" despite the fact they can buy one direct from sxsw at cost immediately anyway - so what's the point in putting it up for auction? Is the whole world on a mission to rip off anyone they can?

Then another says that its too much. SO DON"T BUY IT! What good is that comment?

Now I have another one telling me I am defrauding the public by calling it a Gold pass. Pedant could see what it was all along. I apologised but it is a rather sad state of affairs when even something as simple as this results in threats.

Finally I listed a cryptic ad for potential new band members and got this as a reply,

"I think what you are asking people to do is wank for coins......"

Now that really defeats me. Why bother?

I replied and told the emailer that they were not the chosen one and to have a nice day. Amazingly she replied with this:

" Good luck with finding 'The chosen' : ) "

at last ... civility

So, if anyone wants to spam and abuse please think twice. I have had enough of rude abusive people to last a lifetime. No wonder its all messed up.

Maybe we could start a list of people who are abusive and send them all roses. That might cheer them up (and perhaps the bug that has crawled up their arses would come out and smell the perfume.)

Peace dear reader. Peace to you and Peace off to the obnoxious.

The link to the sxsw ad is on this blog if you read it in time