Ranchero

I had a look at my old posts and it seems I am always going on about being called dude.

I am told this has annoyed a lot of people - well a few people - well a hippy in San Fernando anyway - and my response is this...

SOD OFF AND STOP CALLING ME DUDE, HIPPY!



What can I say. I have resorted to abuse and that's terrible. But once in a while there is no other option.

I know I have mentioned rudeness before but road rudeness is just another aspect to our ever more stressful lives.
So now I am sitting here watching one of those gruesome TV shows about car crashes and dangerous driving and all that kind of thing. It is horrible to see what lunacy is out there on the roads. People die all the time but unexpected death is just awful and its even worse if it's because some idiot thinks he is driving a Nascar on the public highway (for those of us who aren't American this is Formula 1 without the skill or action) and it sort of brings me to the real point of this rant.

Why don't we take any account of how other people feel? Are we really that selfish? God, I hope not.

Surely being selfless or even sympathetic is the core value of music. It is what makes music connect with our heart and souls. Empathy for the devil you may say is actually what works. I mean why else would 90% of songs be about love? It is the universal signifier that we all understand.

In fact did you know that love is as essential as food? Without it we literally shrivel up and die. Sometimes abstract concepts are pretty powerful things you know. Like Mr Lennon said LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

Now that's what I call a neatly squared circle because as you already know John was a total hippy. And that just goes to show - one hippy is a self obsessed wanker and the other is lives in San Fernando - JOKE!

(You already knew what I was going to say so I thought I would just see if you were paying attention.)

Rock N Roll Suicide

Howdy pop pickers,
well the air in the alps is mighty refreshing. Clanging cowbells and sweet ladies with loads of milk chocolate populate the alpine meadows. I can feel the restorative effects of the fells on my feelings fellows. Fancy that?

This is the life. Lots of wine and fondues under the shadows of the ever melting glaciers. There is not a single musician within a million meters of here - unless you include the idiots on the Matterhorn who keep tooting away on their alpine horns.

BLART BLART BLLOM they honk. Morning noon and night. It's like a nice night at the New York Bowery. Could be a new avenue for Eno to explore. Kindo like that album "UNder heavy manners" he did with David Byrne way back when. In case you never heard it you should. Its genius. It starts off with a track that lists isms. Nihilism, Totalitarianism, Tourism, etc and then it ends up with a great acapella lyric - I AM RESPLENDENT IN DIVERGENCE. (fade out).

Anyhow, the hilltop honkers (not unlike Australias own Hill top Hoods) are diabolically bad. So bad they are good in fact.

Maybe the medicine is getting to me after all.

Better get some air.

Now, how do I get to Mexico City from here. I miss the monoxide.

Relapse

Just as the heavy weight of responsibilty was lifting I recieve some terrible news. My dear friend TK has been suffering with cancer for the past 6 weeks and is really really sick.

That is a real blow.

T is some kind of music legend in the UK. He founded Cartel (which for those of you who don't know was one of the very first indie distributors anywhere) and Red Rhino. He has been all over the world following his love of music and I know he has made some bad decisions but some better ones and I for one think he is a solid, honest, top bloke.

No one deserves the kind of crap he is suffering right now. NO ONE. So if you do believe in God or some other deity take a second to think about how silly all the fighting and striving for fame really is and send some good vibes out to the sick and infirm today.

I hope it never happens to you or me but the chances are that it will. Question is, when it does will you be able to say that someone you knew through your work really rates you and misses you? If you can't change your life and do it now.

All the rest is just froth and bullshit.

GLOBALISATION

I just got this on an email

How excellent is this!

Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which

I can relate

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess

Diana's death.



Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

Swiss slumbers

SXSW kicks off again next week and like every year everyone in the industry is gearing up for a week of beer, boppig and blagging. Except me.
I have taken this year off - the cohorts are over there mixing it up with the indie scene kings but I just haven't got it in me this year.
Instead I have been to Zurich to deposit a massive amount of money stolen from bands who are now on food stamps in the mid west town of "yessum Jethro"

After the gnomes took my ill gotten gains into their tiny , but somehow perfectly sculpted vaults I went into the hinterland where I am now ensconced with a cup of Ovaltine. I have booked myself in for 6 months in a Swiss herbalist retreat where i am having intensive treatment for post release depression.
Every day the doctors prescribe herbs and bottles of fresh Madagascan air to help me recover from millions of air miles and only slightly fewer musicians.

It is heavenly.

The only music is the sound of thebirds and the occassional clank of the cow bells on the mountains. Berne is amazing this time of year.

No one has called me dude and the distant glitter of lights on the lake are a tonic for the soul.

This is what music has driven me too.

I may be back.
Then again I may not.

Its nice here in paradise.

You should try it sometime.
Stop worrying and trying so hard.
It will happen if it happens.
If it doesn't so what. have an egg nog and go to bed.

Things will look better in the morning.

NO MORE DEMOS PLEASE

Thats it.
No more demo's please until further notice.
No Mp3's or website referals or anything.
Thank you

RUDENESS

This has nothing to do with music, but why are people so rude?

I have just put an ad on ebay for a sxsw pass and listed it as a Gold pass. Genuine mistake and the blurb that went along with the ad makes it clear that its music only.

First off all someone asked me if they can collect it in cash at the venue! Duh. If I was there I wouldn't be selling the pass would I?

Then another numpty wants to "buy it now" despite the fact they can buy one direct from sxsw at cost immediately anyway - so what's the point in putting it up for auction? Is the whole world on a mission to rip off anyone they can?

Then another says that its too much. SO DON"T BUY IT! What good is that comment?

Now I have another one telling me I am defrauding the public by calling it a Gold pass. Pedant could see what it was all along. I apologised but it is a rather sad state of affairs when even something as simple as this results in threats.

Finally I listed a cryptic ad for potential new band members and got this as a reply,

"I think what you are asking people to do is wank for coins......"

Now that really defeats me. Why bother?

I replied and told the emailer that they were not the chosen one and to have a nice day. Amazingly she replied with this:

" Good luck with finding 'The chosen' : ) "

at last ... civility

So, if anyone wants to spam and abuse please think twice. I have had enough of rude abusive people to last a lifetime. No wonder its all messed up.

Maybe we could start a list of people who are abusive and send them all roses. That might cheer them up (and perhaps the bug that has crawled up their arses would come out and smell the perfume.)

Peace dear reader. Peace to you and Peace off to the obnoxious.

The link to the sxsw ad is on this blog if you read it in time

Dreams and Disasters

"There are a million things I want to do today. But I'll do none of them."

If you know which album thats from you are a true afficianado of our releases.
I won't be doing the million things because .....

I have had a major bust up with the band about money. (Twas ever thus!)

They told me that I should be ashamed of myself.

Why? Because the money from downloads never arrived with us so we couldn't pass it on to them.

Basic accounting stitch up.

Immediate threats of legal action and that kind of thing.

Replies stating clearly - demonstrably .... NO MONEY FOR US = NONE FOR YOU

Band hates me and thinks I am a thief.

Would rather believe lies told by the guys who actually did them over because the sweet talk them and say Dude every five words.

Dude is not a word it is a ranch.

Crook is a crook in any language.

What can be said by me to counter this belief that I have stolen from the mouths of babies and rendered musicians homeless and destitute?

Bog all is what.

Sometimes it is a shitty business.

Sometimes.

3 am

3am and the music is pumping out. Vodka in huge amounts being swilled down the throats of two desperate idiots after watching Liverpool beat Barca away.

What has that got to do with music?

Not much, but it goes to show that we are all in the entertainment business now and fighting for the dollars is getting harder.

Consider this my disciples - limited disposable income can be spent on:

Nintendo wii
Sports - eg Liverpool away in Spain
Gigs
CD's
Downloads
Cinema
Your lover
New car / house / horse / pygmy squirrel pet

How are we to make music - live or recorded more desireable?

The old ways are going to have to adapt or like the Dodo music as we know it will die out!

I can't give you an answer but it is an interesting question isn't it?

EMI

For those of you who read this blog you are no doubt already aware of the disaster that has befalled EMI.

On the day of the BRIT awards Briatians premier music co has announced a profit warning because of downloads and loss of CD sales. (oh and Robbie Williams being useless).

So what? Nothing new there then is there?

Well no. Nothing short of calamity for the majors. But what it does mean for us indie guys is that alhough the monsters of rock are suffering they are also wounded and angry and that doesn't always bode well.

What does that mean? It means that they are going to continue to use their muscle to swam us in all arenas and try to destroy the indie labels as fast as they can.

Buy - Break - Bust

That's the method you use as a cartel to get rid of the opposition and thats exactly what they are doing.

Of course there will be people who come out as winners - I predict that Domino will be worth a fortune soon. But leaving that aside what does it mean for you and me?

Carnage is what.

V2 and Capitol are already merged and the other majors will follow shortly with cost cutting. Acts will get dropped and a lot of publications will go to the wall. I can't see magnet or Spin surviving as published mags when they have Pitchfork and All music Guide to compete with.

There is going to be one hell of a shake out and there will be bodies all over.

Stores are already in the shit and Distro is close behind. Labels are their suppliers and once they go to the wall what will they distribute? Oranges?

For my part I think that US distribution is a joke. They take 25% of sales and penalise you for non sales. Then they say its your fault and you oew them even though they have kept your money for moths in interest accounts and never actually confess where the money has gone. A right royal stich up all round.

So here is my theory for what to do:

Stuff physical distro unless you have an amazing deal.
Only go for Digital
Ignore the press and A&R etc and just gig your ass off.
If you are in the business as a non muso, get a job on the door at the Hollywod Bowl.
become a roadie
or failing all that make a living on the lecture circuit as a cabaret act for businesses that are in flux.

Enjoy the future kids - Who knows what happens tomorrow!!!

Royal Levitation Cult

Joie Calio has come up with a name for his new band and its amazing:
ROYAL LEVITATION CULT.

They are in the studio right now ( Feb 07) recording their new album.

Joie remains a member of DADA but this new project of his is simply fantastic.

Wait until you hear it.

AS WE ARE HOTTER THAN A STAR

Oh you gotta love this. AS WE ARE are already a sensation in Aus and I haven't even seen the stage show yet.
I came across them at a rehersal in a studio in Brisbane last year when they were playig silly buggers. Suddenly they are the hottest Brisbane band since the Grates or Powderfinger.
Go figure! Right under my nose and then POW!! Just as soon as I relocated to the UK.
Guess I better get the guys over to America soon so they can see what real rockers look like!

Check these out:

http://www.timeoff.com.au/index1.php?area=News&pg=32&subarea=32&sel=1027

http://www.ravemagazine.com.au/component/option,com_mamblog/Itemid,116/task,

DIGITAL DAYS

ARE WE IN A MESS IN THIS BUSINESS?

Well. not really.

Are we confussed old men with no idea whats going on. Probably.

Digitals better for artists and indie labels than CD on the whole.

Guess so 'cos its cheaper but the downsideis that it sounds like crap.

(That's real old man talk - no tune - wheres the melody? etc)

Actually its pretty good to listen to in the car as rule and with the new HD and Satellite channels coming to life its all vibrancy and madness out there.

In the UK, despite the recent collapse of Music Zone and Tower we are still in there fighting. Trouble is that so is everyone else. Its what they call lowering the barriers to entry.

That has a knock on effect which is that you need even more cash to make a noise using traditional methods. WE all have to think differntly.

Turns out Fopp have bought Music Zone so maybe they wil be better stores than before. That takes them from about 50 stores to over 150. No mean feat in one move. And it just shows that there are opportunities out there. You need to grab them whilst you can. WELL DONE FOPP!

So, Listen you other retailers (HMV, VIRGIN ETC) - Stop being so damn retro and get into the new world. Place user friendly download portals in every shop. Fill the pace with Apple Macs and make it look cool. Take a tip from the phone shops and give the consumer extra. The old listening booths would be a good start - headphones make you look dorkey unless they are worn as a fashion statment and the kids with $200 hair cuts will not wear them - oh and you get nits!

Up the game and stop trying to shortchange us all. Add massive stocks that are representative of music and not just Universal's A&R department. You get them on sale or return anyway so enough with the crap that you have no space. Use it better!

Here is my top retail tip - more free sex for all. Works everywhere else. What the hell is sexy about shopping for CD's? BOG ALL THATS WHAT!

In fact that's the key. Bands should offer to shag all the audience instead of the audience lusting after the bands.

Anyone out there got anything to say?

BRIT AWARDS

HERE THEY ARE AND SOME A GREAT

SOME OF COURSE ARE UTTER SHIT!

YOU CHOOSE


British Male Solo Artist

James Morrison Polydor/Universal Music

Jarvis Cocker Rough Trade/Sanctuary

Lemar White Rabbit/Sony BMG

Paolo Nutini Atlantic/Warner Music

Thom Yorke XL Recordings/Beggars Group

British Female Solo Artist

Amy Winehouse Island/Universal Music

Corinne Bailey Rae EMI/EMI Music

Jamelia Parlophone/EMI Music

Lily Allen Regal Recordings/EMI Music

Nerina Pallot 14th Floor/Warner Music

British Group
Arctic Monkeys Domino Recordings/Domino Recordings
Kasabian Columbia/Sony BMG
Muse Helium 3/Warner Bros/Warner Music
Razorlight Vertigo/Universal Music
Snow Patrol Fiction/Universal Music
MasterCard British Album
Amy Winehouse Back to BlackIsland/Universal Music
Arctic Monkeys Whatever people say I am, that’s what I’m notDomino Recordings/Domino Recordings
Lily Allen Alright StillRegal Recordings/EMI Music
Muse Black Holes & RevelationsHelium 3/Warner Bros/Warner Music
Snow Patrol Eyes OpenFiction/Universal Music


British Single
5 nominees decided by commercial radio hit40uk and The A List listeners. Winner chosen by radio and TV viewing audience live on show night

Corinne Bailey Rae Put your records onEMI/EMI Music
The Feeling Fill my little worldIsland/Universal Music
James Morrison You give me somethingPolydor/Universal Music
Kooks She moves in her own wayVirgin/EMI Music
Leona Lewis A moment like thisSony BMG
Lily Allen SmileRegal Recordings/EMI Music
Razorlight AmericaVertigo/Universal Music
Sandi Thom I wish I was a punk rockerSony BMG
Snow Patrol Chasing carsFiction/Universal Music
Take That PatiencePolydor/Universal Music
Will Young All time love19


British Breakthrough Act
Winner chosen by Radio 1 listeners

Corinne Bailey Rae EMI/EMI Music
Fratellis Island/Universal Music
James Morrison Polydor/Universal Music
Kooks Virgin/EMI Music
Lily Allen Regal Recordings/EMI Music


British Live Act
Nominees chosen by a panel of experts in association with The Live Music Forum. Winner chosen by Radio 2 listeners

George Michael Sony BMG
Guillemots Polydor/Universal Music
Kasabian Columbia/Sony BMG
Muse Helium 3/Warner Bros/Warner Music
Robbie Williams Chrysalis/EMI Music
International Male Solo Artist
Beck Interscope/Universal Music
Bob Dylan Columbia/Sony BMG
Damien Rice 14th Floor/Warner Music
Jack Johnson Brushfire/Island/Universal Music
Justin Timberlake Jive/Sony BMG
International Female Solo Artist
Beyonce Columbia/Sony BMG
Cat Power Matador/Beggars Group
Christina Aguilera RCA/Sony BMG
Nelly Furtado Geffen/Universal Music
P!nk LaFace/Sony BMG
International Group
Flaming Lips Warner Bros/Warner Music
Gnarls Barkley Warner Bros/Warner Music
Killers Mercury/Universal Music
Red Hot Chili Peppers Warner Bros/Warner Music
Scissor Sisters Polydor/Universal Music
International Album
Bob Dylan Modern TimesColumbia/Sony BMG
Gnarls Barkley St ElsewhereWarner Bros/Warner Music
Justin Timberlake FutureSex/LoveSoundsJive/Sony BMG
Killers Sam’s TownMercury/Universal Music
Scissor Sisters Ta DahPolydor/Universal Music


International BreakthroughAct
Winner chosen by MTV Spanking New Music viewers

Gnarls Barkley Warner Bros/Warner Music
Orson Mercury/Universal Music
Raconteurs XL Recordings/Beggars Group
Ray Lamontagne 14th Floor/Warner Music
Wolfmother Island/Modular/Universal Music
Outstanding Contribution to music
Oasis Big Brother

Free Bumper stickers for SXSW attendees

Free Bumper stickers for SXSW attendees just get in touch whilst we are there.

Predictions for 2007

WELCOME TO 2007!

So what do we expect from this year?

as ever here are a few predictions to whet your appetite and annoy your neighbours.

1. The Democrats will make no real difference to the corruption that has taken over the hill.
2. I will buy a dog to replace my beloved old mutt who passed away in December.
3. There will be a lot of hype about Mika and probably a few hits but then he will become a fixture on Celebrity Big Loser.
4. Donald Trump will declare bald to be the new rich and Lindsey Lohan will shave her head.
5. Britney will OD and leave a lasting legacy of superlative tunes and a small oily stain on Paris Hiltons shoes.
6. Wolfmother will conquer the USA
7. There will be a big protest somewhere everyweek about something.
8. Global warming will end and we will all freeze in February.
9. Global Warming will begin again and we will all get heatstroke in summer.
10. Medical investments will prove profitable
11. You will buy shoes
12. A trully crap song will make the No1 slot in the UK on downloads alone. - Crazy frog anyone?
13. Germany will produce a global megastar called Adolf
14. France will not.
15. Shane Warne will become my best mate and run away with my wife in early August.
16. I will finally become famous with my own colum in the News of the World.

Superstar

Glovebox - the track that made it onto the Top 10 of Logo TV this year.

licker licence

GLOVEBOX TV AD

Story of

From The debut Heavenly States album

ossama bin lozenge

THE HEAVENLY STATES

newhall

A great track taken from the Bedroom Walls CD - ALL GOOD DREAMERS. The full HD clip is on the album!

Now the Sun is Out

Greg Johnson

LILY ALLEN and free tickets

Well its good to see that the Heavenlies are back in the swing of things. After their enormous ssecret show in Seattle last weekend the secret is out.

The sites has been pummelled with loads of new hits and people seeking after truth so if you are keen on knowing what's going on stay tuned.

Just to prove what a global and excellent bunch we are as well you can get free tickets to the Greg Johnson show in London on Dec 20th 2006 if you email us with your name. That offer is open until we run out of seats so get a big gang togther and put yourselves on the list.

It is an early show so you can get hammered in the pub afterwards as well.

ROCK ON CHRISTMAS I SAY!

JOIE CALIO SIGNS WITH BARIA

We are delighted to announce that JOIE CALIO (he of DADA) has just signed a deal with us for his new album!


Joie is set to release a new album on the label in early 2007 and we just can't wait!

Watch out for the killer track Habit forming at radio in the New Year.

It just keeps getting better and better.

GO INDIE!

NEWS FROM THE UK

Baria Records, home to artists such as The Lovemakers, Cloud Cult, Greg Johnson, Bedroom Walls, The Heavenly States, Glovebox, Women in Docs etc have relocated their main headquarters to England. To celebrate the move a one off sold out concert by New Zealands No1 act - GREG JOHNSON- has been announced at the Bloomsbury Theatre in London for DEC 20th.

INGERLAND

to the tune of "look good on the dance floor" Arctic Monkeys

Back in the arms of my homeland and the weather is holding up.
Got away from Australia but am I missing the place?

Not much

Ready to work with whoever
from where ever they may come
I'm already fatter
can you see the size of my bum?

I bet that you look good on the dance floor

STOP THE MUSIC NOW!

I don't.

And I can't write songs either

Thats why I work behind the scenes.

I can add up though so thats a bonus.

Anyone in England want to get a record deal or can you all do it on your own?

:)

FREE VINYL

Hey there

for all you Dj's and groovers we have a very very limited number of free 12' vinyl singles of superstar and In the end to give away.

Email us a street address and you get one.

This offer lasts until we run out so be quick

GUESS WHAT WE HAVE RUN OUT OF VINYL BUT THANKS ANYWAY SEPT 20th 06

RINGTONES FOR YOU

HEY THERE

There are tons of ringtones for you to download at this site:

http://baria.mstore.xingtone.com

Not only the baria bands but Top 40 hits like Gnarles barkley and loads of others check it out

TRIP WIRE LOVES WALLS SO DOES ALL MUSIC GUIDE

May 2006

Bedroom Walls
All Good Dreamers Pass This Way

by Bret Love

If Elliott Smith were still alive and decided to get together and jam with Neutral Milk Hotel, the results might sound a lot like this self-described "romanticore" quintet. Based in Los Angeles, Bedroom Walls crafts dreamy, bittersweet songs that balance a knack for catchy indie pop melodies with a deeply rooted fondness for melancholy moods that recall experimental bands ranging from early Pink Floyd and Talk Talk to Sigur Rós. "You say you've laughed enough/Your closet's stuffed with last year's blues/But you know by summertime/Your suicide's just last year's news," frontman Adam Goldman sings in his airy, high-pitched tenor on the opening "In Anticipation of Your Suicide," and it's difficult not to hear Smith's ghost in lyrics about "records always spinning clues you know you want all to know." It's a haunting beginning to an impressively ambitious album that draws you in immediately and completely captivates from start to finish. Horns, retro organs, vibraphones, glockenspiels, strings, and barely ambient noises all find their place in the band's lushly arranged patchwork of sound. They make fabulous use of dynamics to maximize the emotional impact of a song like "Six Weeks in the Imperial Garden," which veers from passages of aching minimalist beauty to monolithic riffs that lumber and roar, while "Mandy" is a sweet ballad with folk roots and the string-laden "Hello, Mrs. Jones" is a beautifully bizarre rumination on young love. Every track here is positively delightful, but it doesn't get any better than the closing "If the Storm Breaks and You're at Home," a stripped-down acoustic number that sounds like Bright Eyes covering a Damien Rice tune, with Goldman and Melissa Thorne's gorgeously sad harmonies sounding like the wistful angels that must come to visit you as you drift off into a narcotic-fueled endless slumber. All in all, All Good Dreamers Pass This Way is a strange, sensational record that will captivate you from the first listen.




Bedroom WallsAll Good Dreamers Pass This Way(Baria Records) I remember driving down the 405 on my first trip to Los Angeles two years ago. I thought I'd get off theplane, get in a convertible, drive down the highway to a mansion in Malibu, eat a great meal by the pool, and then take a walk down to the beach where I'd be greeted by gorgeous women playing Frisbee or surfing.Well, it was somewhat true. It involved a lot of traffic, smog, and a magical place that the kids on the West Coast called "In 'N Out Burger." The best part of the first two hours of my first visit to Los Angeles was notthe coffee I spilled on my friend Heidi's white dress. It was hearing Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse's voice for the first time. He was creepy and beautiful and sounded like he was whispering in my ear. The musicsounded like it was playing in my head and not on the car speakers. I loved Sparklehorse, but because it scared me. Since then, I have always wanted to hear a Sparklehorse-sounding band that had that samewhisper effect on me, but didn't put me in the psychological funk that Linkous had to power to do. Enter the LA band Bedroom Walls. Adam Goldman, the band's lead singer, sounds similar to Linkous. Theband describes their sound as "Romanticore" and their sophomore album, All Good Dreamers Pass This Way, is a grand orchestral whisper that will live in your head, not in your speakers. There are many bands that overuse such non-imperative instruments like xylophones, hand-claps, and cellos.This is not one of those bands. The horn stabs, the twinkling of the xylophones, and the crispness of the cello all seem as natural as if the songs were written around the small details instead of vice versa. The albumchanges from the Big Star of "Who's Been Driving Round For Days" to the Bach/"Street Hassle" intro of "Somewhere In Newhall" to the Simon and Garfunkel intimacy of "If The Storm Breaks And You're AtHome." The songwriting lags a little bit in the middle of this album, but it stays strong enough as to not lose theattention of the listener. There is enough classically infused string parts and twists and turns throughout All Good Dreamers Pass This Way to make you almost more interested in where the song is going and not whereit's been. This album instantly reminded me of my fear and obsession with Sparklehorse and for that I admire it. Although now that I've heard it, I know that the essence of having that kind of voice only works underevil. The pop-infused "plays in your head, not in your speakers" aesthetic that I longed for might not be what I was looking for after all. By Jeffrey Thrope May 10, 2006

TRIP WIRE LOVES WALLS SO DOES ALL MUSIC GUIDE

May 2006

Bedroom Walls
All Good Dreamers Pass This Way

by Bret Love

If Elliott Smith were still alive and decided to get together and jam with Neutral Milk Hotel, the results might sound a lot like this self-described "romanticore" quintet. Based in Los Angeles, Bedroom Walls crafts dreamy, bittersweet songs that balance a knack for catchy indie pop melodies with a deeply rooted fondness for melancholy moods that recall experimental bands ranging from early Pink Floyd and Talk Talk to Sigur Rós. "You say you've laughed enough/Your closet's stuffed with last year's blues/But you know by summertime/Your suicide's just last year's news," frontman Adam Goldman sings in his airy, high-pitched tenor on the opening "In Anticipation of Your Suicide," and it's difficult not to hear Smith's ghost in lyrics about "records always spinning clues you know you want all to know." It's a haunting beginning to an impressively ambitious album that draws you in immediately and completely captivates from start to finish. Horns, retro organs, vibraphones, glockenspiels, strings, and barely ambient noises all find their place in the band's lushly arranged patchwork of sound. They make fabulous use of dynamics to maximize the emotional impact of a song like "Six Weeks in the Imperial Garden," which veers from passages of aching minimalist beauty to monolithic riffs that lumber and roar, while "Mandy" is a sweet ballad with folk roots and the string-laden "Hello, Mrs. Jones" is a beautifully bizarre rumination on young love. Every track here is positively delightful, but it doesn't get any better than the closing "If the Storm Breaks and You're at Home," a stripped-down acoustic number that sounds like Bright Eyes covering a Damien Rice tune, with Goldman and Melissa Thorne's gorgeously sad harmonies sounding like the wistful angels that must come to visit you as you drift off into a narcotic-fueled endless slumber. All in all, All Good Dreamers Pass This Way is a strange, sensational record that will captivate you from the first listen.




Bedroom WallsAll Good Dreamers Pass This Way(Baria Records) I remember driving down the 405 on my first trip to Los Angeles two years ago. I thought I'd get off theplane, get in a convertible, drive down the highway to a mansion in Malibu, eat a great meal by the pool, and then take a walk down to the beach where I'd be greeted by gorgeous women playing Frisbee or surfing.Well, it was somewhat true. It involved a lot of traffic, smog, and a magical place that the kids on the West Coast called "In 'N Out Burger." The best part of the first two hours of my first visit to Los Angeles was notthe coffee I spilled on my friend Heidi's white dress. It was hearing Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse's voice for the first time. He was creepy and beautiful and sounded like he was whispering in my ear. The musicsounded like it was playing in my head and not on the car speakers. I loved Sparklehorse, but because it scared me. Since then, I have always wanted to hear a Sparklehorse-sounding band that had that samewhisper effect on me, but didn't put me in the psychological funk that Linkous had to power to do. Enter the LA band Bedroom Walls. Adam Goldman, the band's lead singer, sounds similar to Linkous. Theband describes their sound as "Romanticore" and their sophomore album, All Good Dreamers Pass This Way, is a grand orchestral whisper that will live in your head, not in your speakers. There are many bands that overuse such non-imperative instruments like xylophones, hand-claps, and cellos.This is not one of those bands. The horn stabs, the twinkling of the xylophones, and the crispness of the cello all seem as natural as if the songs were written around the small details instead of vice versa. The albumchanges from the Big Star of "Who's Been Driving Round For Days" to the Bach/"Street Hassle" intro of "Somewhere In Newhall" to the Simon and Garfunkel intimacy of "If The Storm Breaks And You're AtHome." The songwriting lags a little bit in the middle of this album, but it stays strong enough as to not lose theattention of the listener. There is enough classically infused string parts and twists and turns throughout All Good Dreamers Pass This Way to make you almost more interested in where the song is going and not whereit's been. This album instantly reminded me of my fear and obsession with Sparklehorse and for that I admire it. Although now that I've heard it, I know that the essence of having that kind of voice only works underevil. The pop-infused "plays in your head, not in your speakers" aesthetic that I longed for might not be what I was looking for after all. By Jeffrey Thrope May 10, 2006

GETTING OUR RECORDS EASILY

I have been bombarded this week by people asking for the new records.
WHERE CAN WE BUY GREG OR WALLS OR DOCS?

Well I have no idea why it is so hard to get it from shops so if they don't help try this link

cdbaby.com/all/euge

or failing that just email us and we will get you the paypal accounts to buy any record you want.

They will all go live on itunes and all the other sites over the next week so be sure to log on and try. We are having a fight to get them posted in time.

ROLIING STONE DOCS REVIEW

WOMEN IN DOCS LIVE

STH EAST QLD ALBUM LAUNCH CONCERTS
Friday 26 May, Nambour Civic Theatre, Centenary Place,
Currie St, Nambour, QLD. Tickets “Dial N Charge” 5475
7777, with Rebecca Wright, $20 / $18, 8 pm.

Sat 17 June, The Round House Theatre, 6 – 8 Musk Ave, Kelvin
Grove. 2 BIG shows. 3 pm and 7 pm.
Tickets: Family Tickets: $50 (2 adults, 2 kids up to 15,
kids under 8 free) Adult: $25 Conc: $18 (Health Care Card,
Students), Senior: $15
+ booking fee. www.qtix.com.au or 136 246

12/06/06 V The Cantab Lounge
738 Mass Ave, Massachussetts
13/06/06 M Sonicbids (Electronic Press Kit provider)


International Music Network, Booking Agency

14/06/06 V The Iron Horse, Northampton Massachussets

15/06/06 V The Java Hut
1073A Main St
Worcestor MA 01603

16/06/06 V Club Passim
47 Palmer ST
Cambridge MA

17/06/06 V Acoustic Café
Connecticut

18/06/06 V Sono Caffiene Café
133 Washington St
Sth Norwalk

19/06/06 V The Space
295 Treadwell St
Hamden CT

22/06/06 F Forksville Folk Festival
Sullivan Country PA

27/06/06 V NXNW


30/06/06 –4/07/06 V Shows in New York City

7/07/06 – 9/7/06 V Shows in Portland Oregan;

10/07/06 Travel day to San Fran.

11/07/06 V Weinweist Gallery, San Francisco

12/07/06 M *Meeting with American office – Baria Records

*Drive to California World Music Fest
13/07/06 –17/7/06 F California World Music Fest Grass Valley, CA

18/07/06 V Coffee Gallery, LA


21/07/06 –23/7/06 F Vancouver Islands Folk Fest, Canada

26/07/06 V Momo’s

27/07/06 V Georgetown House Concert

28/7/06 V Show with Col Brooks (local texan)

29/07/06 V Bonedoc House Concert
Richardson, TX

30/07/06 –1/08/06 M Meetings set up at 2005’s Folk Alliance in TX

2/08/06 V Momo’s

3/08/06 Travel day to Canada

4 – 6/08/06 F Canmore Folk Festival, Canmore Canada

7-9/8/06 V Bookings by Speak Music

10-13/08/6 F Edmonton Folk Festival
Edmonton Canada

14/08/06 Travel home to Australia

INDONESIA and farewell Jason

Greetings all

someone out there is reading for certain.
It is the truth dude!

Why - well because we got abooking for 5 shows in Indonesia for Glovebox. How we don't know but there they are. Libya one year and Indonesia the next.

Happy with that.


Bummer news is that Jason has decided to quit the LOVEMAKERS. Shame. We go back - way back and its not going to be the same without him.

Too many groupies have worn him out

adios buddy.

GLOVEBOX ARE COMING HOME

MTV SUPERSTAR GLOVEBOX

We have some very exciting news to report!

“Superstar” has received airplay on MTV Latin America!

This is an absolute huge addition to the campaign (MTV Latin America reaches 35 million potential viewers in the US and 17 South American countries!) and really helps to continue to bring this band to the next level. Xavier Campos, head programmer at MTV Latin America, is always a very big supporter of pushing new and deserving artists to the forefront and we are very excited that he has embraced “Superstar”.

We have some other terrific regional outlets that have included “Superstar” in their recent programming. Video Vision, which is based out of San Francisco, CA, and reaches 1.7 million potential viewers on cable, has included the video on their most recent playlist. Catherine Lee features the best videos on her weekly show in one of the biggest markets in the country. This is another strong add for the campaign and all the young, CD buying kids in San Francisco tune in to this show religiously on a weekly basis. We have also secured airplay for “Superstar” on M Squared, which is based in Long Branch, NJ. Transmitting from Monmouth University, M Squared is seen every day on campus, and weekly in the surrounding towns, reaching 175,000 potential viewers. Also, Cutting Edge, in Dayton, OH, has included the video on their show. Cutting Edge is a very popular indie rock show in the area, thanks to the large college population, and has an audience of 50,000 potential viewers.
The popular internet television network, Music Plus TV, has added the video to their online rotation. Music Plus TV is an all inclusive music network that features videos, reviews, interviews, and much more covering all things music. They currently have a registered database of 250,000 with that number growing daily. This is another terrific internet outlet to embrace Glovebox!

HEAVENLY STATES LIVE DATES

Wed 5/24/06 Sacramento, CA The Library
Thu 5/25/06 Portland, OR Towne Lounge
Fri 5/26/06 Bellingham, WA The Nightlight Sun 5/28/06 George, WA Sasquatch Music Festival
Wed 5/31/06 San Francisco, CA Café Du Nord
Thu 6/8/06 Bozeman, MT Zebra Coctail Lounge
Fri 6/9/06 Fargo, ND Aquarium
Sat 6/10/06 St Paul, MN Turf Club
Mon 6/12/06 Dubuque, IA Busted Lift
Thu 6/15/06 Madison, WI Slipper Club
Fri 6/16/06 Chicago, IL The Hideout
Sun 6/18/06 Cleveland, OH CMJ Rock Hall Music Festival
Mon 6/19/06 Columbus, OH Little Brothers
Fri 6/23/06 Denver, CO Blender's Tavern

CLOUD CULT live shows

FRIDAY MAY 12
The Crocodile Café
VENUE INFORMATION 2200 2nd Avenue Seattle, WA 98121
Local Support Monqui

SATURDAY MAY 13
Doug Fir Lounge
VENUE INFORMATION 830 E. Burnside St. Doors Open: 8:00 PM

Sunday May 14
Sam Bond's Garage
VENUE INFORMATION 407 Blair BlvdEugene, OR

Tuesday MAy 16
Makeout Room
VENUE INFORMATION 3225 22nd Street San Francisco, CA 94110

Wednesday May 17
Kilby Court Gallery
VENUE INFORMATION 741 S. Kilby Court Salt Lake City, UT 84101

Thursday May 18
Cervantes Masterpiece Ballroom
VENUE INFORMATION 2637 Welton Street Denver, CO 80205


Friday May 19th
O' Leaver's 1322 Saddle Creek Road Omaha, NE 68106


Saturday May 20th
Varsity Theater 1308 4th Street SE Minneapolis, MN 55414

Tuesday July 4th
Taste of Minnesota Harriet Island St. Paul, MN


Saturday July 15th
Green Man Music Festival
VENUE INFORMATION Monteulac Ski Area Duluth, MN Ph: (218) 393-6383

Friday July 28th
Hedgpeth Festival Festival Grounds
2305 W. Lance Drive Twin Lakes, WI 53181
Advance TICKET INFORMATION Brentwood, TN 37027Ph: (615) 370-6015

GREG JOHNSON LIVE

Greg is getting a new US tour together to follow on from his forthcoming sell out of New Zealand

Check hime out that these venues and dates:

6/6 6/8 Boston: appearing on Roots Rock Live TV, WXRV morning show and live show at The Paradise on 6/8
6/9 Portland and Ogunquit, ME Radio appearance and live concert
6/10 Chicago
6/12 Columbus, OH WCBE Radio appearance and performance
6/12 Cincinnati, OH WNKU Radio show (evening)
6/13 Lexington, KY WUKY radio appearance and performance
6/14 Nashville, TN
6/15 Nashville, TN

Save Yourself has over 500 spins to date on WBOS, WXRV and WRNX.


New single Its Been So Long going for radio week of 5/22

BEDROOM WALLS LIVE

With the upcoming release of the BEDROOM WALLS ALBUM I thought you might like to see the guys live and direct.


BEDROOM WALLS have a month long residency at THE FOLD every Tuesdays
except July 4th until the First of August in Los Angeles.

Other dates are:
Bedroom Walls:
5/23/06 - Boston, MA @ TT The Bears
5/24/06 - New York, NY @ Mercury Lounge
5/30/06 - Los Angeles, CA @ Troubadour
6/29/06 - Los Angeles, CA @ Amoeba *in-store performance

More are coming all the time.

We are writing a book!

It is true.

I am writing a book about the music business.

So far the title is : Ego versus Emo

Or

I hate the radio. Why don’t they play decent music anymore

I thought I would throw an unedited snippet on the blog this week as I haven't been able to add to the rest of the rubbish I usually write.

Advance order being taken - free if you want one for now. Loads of $ when its a real tome.



"When you do go to a convention - having parted with a few hundred dollars and probably a few thousand more on air fares and hotel rooms and meet the great and powerful I think you might be surprised at how many of them wear Hawaiian shirts.

An amazing amount of really key guys in the music business (and it is almost always guys) are getting on in years and have obviously had a few too many power breakfasts. I genuinely think that most of them are committed and really believe in what they are saying but the reality on the ground is very different from the reality in the boardroom.

The biggest problem facing anyone from Gen X or younger these days is that the boomers will not just fuck off and die. They hang in there with their Woodstock jargon and big pensions and desperately try to defend themselves from the future. I don’t blame them but if they had any sense at all they would all have retired years ago and left music to their kids. Instead we are force fed the same snoring songs.

Bob Dylan has been given his own show on XM satellite radio.

Why?

Because he is a known name that the boomers identify with. If you are younger than 40 you might never have heard of him and why would you.

It is time to retire fossils!

I should know. I am rapidly catching up and I am so cranky it’s hard to relate to some new music. If I was in charge of the radio I would play Stone Roses back to back man. (Not really but you get the idea)."

This is why you get hassled travelling

A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.

A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.
He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? Etc.

Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.

Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said. A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.

beer and buddies

Drinking partners

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having
a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth
Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African
and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we Have
so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with
the same ones twice."

Moving Home

Thanks for tuning in to the latest blog.

It has been and wll be a mad time for us here as we are moving our entire world around. Literally.

The thing is that we are moving to London in August.

Phew - we can't go any further without coming back!

Everyone who knows keeps saying why and the truth is that we can't survive another day in paradise.

The sunny days and endless parties in Australia are just too much.
We need to get back to the gritty urban reality that is England. Home of the Streets and Lady Sovereign.

If its good enough for Mike Skinner its good enough for us.

That and the fact that James Bond lives there will do us.

So if you want to send any demo's make it quick because we won't be here for long!

Actually whilkst we are talking about this the San Landro office is open now so there is a real American love god in charge of stuff on the West Coast. ask joe@bariarecords.com what is happening and he will tell you he has no idea but at lest you can find out what the weather is like in lovely California.

laters

LOGO TV

Hey there

want to make a hit happen?

go here and vote for the superstar vieo to be played please

http://www.logoonline.com/shows/dyn/the_click_list/video_voting.jhtml

copy us in on your vote for a freebie!

freee music in your home - free stuff

G'day and thank you for joining us in our quest for fun

If you are in the US and would like to see any of our bands please just have a little dig through the site and find the Glovebox door hanger.
Then email or fax it to us for a free pass to the gig of your choice.

If you are in a city where our bands are about to play and can arrange a few friends to come over we will try to get the guys to play a private show at your house.

If the guys aren't coming to your home town this time that's no reason to feel sad.

If you want a private showcase at a venue of your choice - ASK US! - Don't be shy. You never know.

If you can't make it to a show no problems you won't be left out.

We have some stickers and even some Cd's to give away to lucky winners who gets in touch with us and sends us a postal address.

All you have to do is let us know where you want the goodies and we will pop them in the post.

If you don't want to divulge the address to your secret HQ we can't send you the stuff but we totally get where you are coming from. Who needs more spam!

Now get out there and party

glovebox tour diary

Hello to all around the World!

Hope this mail finds you all well & am now in Boulder Colorado USA. It's
a sunny morning here in Boulder & enjoying a couple of days rest before
our next trip across & to the east coast of the USA.

The past week has proved to be an adventure! We travelled from San
Francisco to Portland and we couldn't wait to get out of the car after a
12 hour trip & 600 miles. "Music Millennium"
http://www.musicmillennium.com/ in Portland were the first to experience
the grooves of Glovebox followed by a night time performance at the
Holocene Bar - http://www.holocene.org/ Both gigs were sensational & the
people of Portland certainly were intrigued by the sounds of Glovebox. We
were fortunate to perform with Portland's infamous band "Climber".

Moving up to cold rainy Seattle we made our way to "Silver Platters"
http://www.silverplatters.com/ record store & performed an afternoon gig
followed by a night time performance at the "High Dive Bar".
http://highdiveseattle.com/ Again the night was a blast!

Into middle America we headed & Boise Idaho was the first to experience
Glovebox, the Big Easy Concert Hall http://www.bigeasyconcerts.com/
accomodated in excess of 500 people who grooved to the new sound in town.
Onto Salt Lake City Utah the Ego bar http://www.clubegos.com/ was this
groovy little bar down-town packed out with groovy people. We headed to
beautiful Aspen Colorado and the Belly Up Bar
http://www.bellyupaspen.com/home.html welcomed us into there great cool
bar normally filled with infamous people - during the winter season!
Finished the week by playing at the Trilogy Bar in Boulder - the coolest
bar in town owned by triplets! We supported infamous band "Fragga"
http://trilogywinebar.com/

Till next time,

BEDROOM WALLS KCRW

http://www.kcrw.com/cgi-bin/db/kcrw.pl?show_code=mb&air_date=12/15/03&tmplt_type=Show

click onthe link to see the last time the Bedroom Walls played at KCRW

Now those nice people are sponsoring a show at Amoeba in LA in June to tie in with the album launch

You should be there dudes!

Tour Dates

Bedroom Walls:
5/23/06 - Boston, MA @ TT The Bears
5/24/06 - New York, NY @ Mercury Lounge
5/30/06 - Los Angeles, CA @ Troubadour
6/29/06 - Los Angeles, CA @ Amoeba *in-store performance

EVIL IN DIAPERS

Jesus!
have you heard about those two psycotic nut jobs called Prussian Blue?

We just heard about them and their insane campaign to make music white. What the hell is going on there?

In case you have never heard of these two they are members of some whacked out conspiracy group that likes to think that they belong to a distinct genus of humans known as the "master race". Correct me if I am wrong but didn't the master race come last in 1945? They opened a big can of whoop ass called the REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD! and were sent to meet their makers at Nuremberg. Get over it.

Do me a favour dearies - go back to school and learn something useful like genetics. That way you will discover that there is about a 1% difference between us and monkeys and a zero percent difference between you and a nice man called Jesus. Thats is what's so endearing about them. They think Jesus was white. How sweet. Lets think shall we?

Jesus never met a Christian - there were none then. Ergo Jesus was not a Christian.
Jesus came from Nazareth which is now in the Occupied Territories and is populated by Arabs.
Arabs are not white. Therefore you worship a "black guy."- ergo a "rag head" OOOPS.

Jesus said you cannot serve both God and Money. HE DID - NO MATTER WHAT PAT ROBERTSON TELLS YOU! So stop fund raising and spending it on braces to make you teeth perfect. You are supposed to be perfect already. Weird how some of us have naturally perfect teeth and you don't. Flunked out there as well.

I bet you that by the time these two are 20 they will either be junkies or pregnant with Michael Jacksons twins. Relax kids. Your mum will look after them.

How bored must they be to have all this rubbish in their heads. I recommend hard drugs. That way i could have some sympathy for you lunacy. Meanwhile here is a message to all racists.

FUCK OFF! WE WON!

WALLS IN SF

Friday beckons and you should get over to Cafe du Nord to check out Bedroom Walls with Quasi.

It is a real experience.

Album out MAY 23rd

Don't miss the saucy video's

GREG JOHNSON

BRACE YOURSELF

SAVE YOURSELF

Greg's debut US album - Here comes the Caviar is on its way

Out June 6th!
Available at all good stores and online


Greg will be playing the Rivers Festival in Boston and will appear live on WBOS

Glovebox tour USA

It is all kicking off in the USA.

check out the gigs if you can.

They guys are spinning on TV and radio all over the place and are even getting a reaction from cinema audiences. Did you hear the Pirate one hour show in San Fran?

The guys had a nightmare in Vegas when the sound man was stoned and destroyed the Pa before the show - sorry Vegas they will be back!

In San Diego the Beauty Bar went off like a shot and the guys were spotted the next day and asked for autographs even when they were incognito.

Santa Monica we love you - especially the temple bar crowd. major win. Cheers!

Spaceland - what can we say? Youth Grip and Jet in the crowd. Not bad for the first LA gig.

Now it is off to SF and pastures north - instore at Sf next

if you have cable check out logo TV for the ads

see you on the road



Well pleased!

Thanks to everyone.

new deal

I am delighted to say that we are now ready to launch two new records into America.
We have Women in Dosc and BEdroom Walls ready and willing to go!

Excellent!

Better tell you about them I guess.

Women in Docs are very funny and talented ladies from outer Queensland - Australia. In case you didn't know that is further than Mongolia if youlive on the East Coast.

Their stuff is always entertaining and they sing about stuff like suprmarkets and going to Nashville to be stars. In our eyes they are already there.

Then there are the romanticore dreamers in Bedroom Walls. This is music to shag your lover by and then have an illicit afterwards smoke.

What do they have in common - well ostensibly not much but in reality there is something other than great music that joins them together.

It's not friendship, hatred or idiology, superglue or roots.
The thing that keep us togther is Doctor Martins Boots!

(with apologies to Alexei sayle)

manipulation

Right now we are engaged in a big think- tank effort to try and break through the walls of inertia that surround us.

What the hell am I talking about?

Well, you guessed it - viral marketing.

The way things are at the moment we have reached our saturation point in terms of advertisng and all that sort of thing.

The hardest way to get people to listen is to shout and although we have been really nice to everyone they have pretty much given us the run around. So we decided to shout it out from the rooftops.

The trouble was that we can't afford to tip the bellboy that guards the elevator. So no matter how hard we try he won't open the doors for us.

It is all about making friends and that is no easy thing when you live a million miles away and no one ever gets in touch. They call it the tyrany of distance is Australia and they are right. When we get in to work Europe is in bed and East coast cities are all done with the day. California is still awake but that is sometime not a good thing. (IF one more person calls me dude! I haven't even got a ranch.)

Anyhow, here is the state of play. We are trying to figure out how to involve people in the bands we have and get them to give them a chance.

We have asked everyone we can think of and they all say the same damn thing - marketing - but what the #### is that?

What we need to do is to get the message out there that these guys are really different. Idiosyncratic, quirkky, great.
But how do we get past the fact that the entire world is permanetly worn out from adverts and other companies extoling the same thing?

We have a few ideas but to get them we nearly ruptured a blood vessel.

It isn't about trying to manipulate the minds of the public. It is about manipulating the minds of the gate keepers. If they don't let you get in that elevator and make it to the top of the towere you have no chance of ever being heard. What a pin in the proverbial. Somehow we have allowed ourselves to become sheep who only listen to the shepherd.

Trouble is the shepherd is really a voracious wolf who is in business with the abbatoir!

(sorry about the mixed metaphors there!)

Oh bugger it!

Look will you please just go out and buy one or two of our records please.

Talking

Part of being in this business. In fact 99% of being in this business is talking.
The rest is just the gasps between saying something else.

I sometimes wonder if anyone who works in this business ever actually listens to anything at all.

Not just music, but what other people actually say.

We are all supposed to be lover of great music or eclectic music or any music for that matter but recently there seems to have been a lot of gas expended about digital this and that and very little about music itself.

The message has been eaten by the messenger and now we await the explosion that will come when it finally gets expelled.

Take for example SONY, who have just annouced that their main focus is the pod buster.
Now I know I don't run a billion dollar business but I can tell you that Microsoft are making money and GM aren't. Why? Content thats why . Not hardware but software.

Radio is the same. No songs = no listeners - no advertisers -no money -no radio.

When will they ever learn?

Down here in Aus ther aren't even any music shows on TV worth the name - unless you include Idol - which is what most of the people on it were before and since it screened - idle.

And they wonder why kids are bored.

You can't aspire to being a movie star if you are ugly, or a house doctor if you are clueless or even a crime fighter if you get caught stealing cars. But you can be a pop star. Thats why it will never die. It is truly a meritocrasy and no matter what Clear Channel. little Jimmy packer or Rupe "the dupe" Murdoch does about it talent will win out in the end.

Ask Nostradamus if you don't believe me.

super happy funland

Have any of you ever heard of super happy fun land?

Check it out if you haven't - some weird place in Texas that our guys visit occassionally.

As we are booking tours right now I thought it might be anice thing to do to give a few of you some hints on where to look if you are trying to book a tour in the US.

try these:

Venues

Eagle Tavern - San Francisco
Spaceland - LA
Super Happy Funland - TX
Antoines - Austin
Blue Bar - Las Vegas
The Independent - San Francisco
Berts Tiki Lounge - Arizona
Key Club - Los Angeles



That should get you started.

Tell us if you get a show anywhere. Who knows someone might show up.

weird and wonderful

Here are a few questions or two for you.

I was in a store the other day and saw a couple who were deaf. Weird that they were in a record shop but who am I to judge?
Anyway there they were chatting away in sign language when suddenly the lady started waving her arms about. The guy replied and suddenly it was like being under a line of propellors. They were arguing in sign language! WOW now that was a sight to see.

So the first question is this: Do you get deaf people with Terrets syndrome?

Next

We have had all sorts of problems working the states since the patriot act came in. Photo's and scans and all sorts of extra security but my question is this

Do Astronauts need to carry a passport and make a declaration to customs? If not why not? They used to make us answer stupid stuff like were you ever a nazi - like anyone would say yes!

Last

If you have only one arm and your belt snaps when you are out on the town how do you flag down a cab?


I will leave you with that.

Movie stardom

Last week was a whirlwind.


We have been pressing up thousands of records in the states. Vinyl remixes on 12" and three differnt albums. Phone calls to pluggers, PR agents, retail managers, bookers, insiders and new people that we hope to do business with. All exciting stuff.

But the real thrill this week was shooting a video of superstar for Glovebox.

We got a gang of local film makers to go out on a limb for us to make the video and they started shooting on Australia day. Or at least we thought they would! In fact the whole day was spent in rehersals, which is really professional but really boring if you aren't doing any acting. Our A&R guy (famous Ian) was there from sparrow fart in the morning (THAT EARLY!) to late late late and did not much but make coffee and move props. Not a nice day for him really. It was certainly not all glamour.

So day 2 dawns and the band have flown up from Melbourne complete with new drummer Sarah and Morris sporting a new "tash. They arrived at 8pm on Thursday and shooting started at 5.30 am Friday! Holy Cow!!!! The day was then spent in a small apartment in Brisbane with a crew of hundreds and a cast of 5. Weird how that is always the case.

As for we label types - we went off to a location in the city to set up the gear for the "live" sections of the shoot. Amps, keys, drums, mikes etc all ready to go on time. We then sat in the blistering sun for another 4 hours before anyone else arrived.

I decided to go back to the office and got on with some work whilst they guys shot the last scenes so I never actually saw a single second of footage being recorded! Trust is all in these situations.

After a highly stressed few hours we all got back togther at a restaurant in town and the few of us who were not exhausted hit the town with a vengenance. Lets just say that the 4am cab ride home was a bit blurry.

The day after and all is well. Shoot was good. Rushes are done and so is my liver. Recovering now as we await the first cut.

I am very happy to recount the fact that although the shoot itself was about as exciting as constipation the end results are by all accounts fantastic. It is all glamourous eh?

God knows how Shaun Connery does it after 300 years as a movie star. I guess he gets to kiss the girls everytime. Thats how. As for us we just kissed the pavement when the beer beat us up. Rock n Roll baby.

how not to get a record deal

Everyday we get emails and submission from acts around the world who want a deal.

Most of the time we try to reply with something positive but becasue of limited finances we can't sign anything like the number of acts we would like.

Every so often though someone shines out like a beacon of light.

I know it is cruel and not the best way to make friends but this email came in today and it really takes the cake.

I have posted it herer just to show you all how not to do it.

First up we have never had a TV show and then we have nothing to do with Germany at all. The rest I will leave to you. Pick the glaring mistakes.

Teachers report says - could do better!


Hi,
My name's are XXXXXXX a.k.a outshine from delta state in Nigeria but lived in Lagos right from birth. I am a large fan of your show which i see very often and i cant help myself stay glued to the screen when you're on. Aside from the quality of your pictures, interiguing events, captivating stories, well balanced scripting and brilliant editing what takes my breath away is how beauteful and peaceful Germany and its citizens are. As for me, life has not been because we got torture by the circumstances of life leaving 6 children to the the fate of an indigent single parent with no skill or job struggle extra had to cater for us all.
With issues as these, i lost my childhood having no memorable account of my past. But as God would have it i discovered my immerce talent i have in music a couple of years back.
I did quite a lot in terms of recording and promoting my songs on urban radio, go for shows to secure record deals but to me avail because of the shenanigans and nepotism that paraded our local music industry which had many record executives say my music is too advance for what they can bargain for. All of these led me to write to you so you can connect me to people and record labels over there in germany with your influence, positivism and kind heartedness.
I have an article titled "outshine shining true" with 5 of my songs (full) on Africa hip hop.com. I will like you to go through the songs and refer people you know will be interested in my stuff. Germany has no doubt contributed in the world of music by producing people like
Max Herre and his wife Joy Dehalane,Rammstein, Lon Berger, sweet sexy Sarah connors among other talented superstars and i want to join in the train of success. I want to storm the world by taking Hip Hop from Germany to the next level.
Please help me in any way you can, I am sure some of you will like my stuff. I humbly await your reply.

turning japanese

Welcome to the dawn of a new year.

In the wonderful worl do backroom entertainment we are busy again.

The next few months looks like a series of releases and tours and follow ups and god knows what.

It is interesting to see how things have changed for us though since we decided to go against the flow and expand the operations here.

We have hired in acouple of big consultancies and they are taking masses of pressure off us. It is great! Now we can see what we are doing without being buried under tons of paperwork and we are getting back to the music again.

I guess it is always like that - you go hell for leather until it all gets too much and then get someone in to do it better and start the whole thing all over again. I do believe it is more cost effective that way but by learning teh ropes you also burn up a lot of cash and candles. If anyone has any better ideas I want to hear them!

So now that we are working with retail and radio specialists from Spokane to Florida we are having a much better time of it. In fact the plans now are to expand our operations by licences with japanese contacts. If that comes off it willbe a huge boost and we will be truly global. Right now we work in the USA, UK and Australia so apart from the time differences it is really easy. We shall see how it is with our oriental aquaintances!


Incidentally here is a tip - if you can write a good song with japan - japanese in the lyric that TV can use you are going to make zillions - they still use department s songs from about 1979 for all those slots on japan. Time to move on!

So there you are - 2006 beckons and optimism brews. Hope it is the same for you.

bye to the era of major label dominance

As 06 looms in the rearview I have been thinking about what the future holds again.

Nothing is certain apart from the fact that the major labels are no longer as loved as they once were.

Praise be!

It always takes 5 or ten years for a new century to dawn after the clock ticks over. Maybe we will still be here in a few years.

Good luck to you all

robbed

Monday morning and we come in to find the office is a mess. The door has been smashed and there is glass all over the place.

The thieves took our new plasma TV and a good chunk of xmas spirit. Thankfully they left our computers alone - I guess the TV was too big to carry - we couldn't get it in the car to have it delivered - so that was some bonus. It means that we have had to have anew door fitted and bolt everything down with chains.

Anyway thats life I guess.

I decided to get my own back on the villains so here is a copy of the letter we have now got posted on the entrance to our building. Enjoy and feel free to use it if you ever get done over.

TO THE THEIVEING BASTARDS THAT STOLE OUR TV

If you are capable of reading this – which we doubt as you are clearly as stupid as horse shit – you will be delighted to know that your face is now on CCTV which we have installed.


SMILE!


The longer you read this note the better the picture will be and we are sure that by the time you get this far you will have started to panic.

DON’T

No need – the police will be in touch soon.

We hope you enjoy Santa’s visit when he comes over with a nice search warrant and some big hammers to smash down the door of the shithole you call home.

In case you didn’t know thieves always get caught. You are just too dumb not to.

Incidentally I bet your dick is as small as a walnut now.

Just wait until you get raped in the showers! How big and clever will you feel then?

Before you leave we wanted to say we hope that you get HIV from your cell mate and that you spend every Christmas in Hell from now on you low life bastards.

Yours truly,

All the decent people in the world who will get you in the end

crowd surfing

Sunday and I have just recovered from a big trip to Melbourne seeing Glovebox at their Xmas party.

What a top gig. I know you weren't there and there are a billion places that rant on about the bands that people like but this is a rare one for me. I am a bit jaded after years of pub rock bands and to see a band that had the audience cheering becasue the show was fun is excellent.

I mean how many times have you been to a show that you stumbled into that had some pseudo rockers posing like dead men at the front of the stage. I have seen hundreds and a lot of them were bands that sounded great on record but were absolute crap live. This time the live show was streets ahead of the record.

The best bit was when Mish (singer) decided to crowd surf. That's not unusual except when there are only fourty people in front of the stage! I though for onehorrible moment that it was going to end in a night at the Emergency room but buggerme if it didn't go off like a religious experience. The crowd just carried her around like a deity! WOW.

Finished up sleeping at 3.30 am with a head full of beer and beats. Oh and a Pomeranian dog that jumped on my bed and snuffled all night. Back on the plane at 11 and after a 2 hour flight with mrs miserable as my neighbour got home - very happy indeed.

Becasue they are so good it means we have to work harder. That's not bad at all. Time for a rest now. '05 has been a roller coaster.

Happy Christmas

predictions for 2006

we are doomed DOOMED I SAY

or are we?

Predictions for 2006

Israel will bomb Tehran and petrol will get expensive as all hell.

Global warming will make sure the wheat harvest in America fails and the fatties in Oklahoma will be forced to eat bun-less burgers.

Cars will be solar and sail powered and the isle of man will become the country with the fastest public transport system in the world.

Banana futures will soar

Iraq will be abandoned by the coalition of the willing but over 100 000 troops will remain because there isn't enough diesel to get them home again. They will intermarry the locals and the new "lost tribe of Indiana" will form. They will lay claim to Raleigh NC as the new Jerusalem and in 10 000 years their decendents will return to annex the back yards of the mexican immigrants who live there.

England and Germany will face each other in the world cup and England will win because the Germans will not be able to convert their Mercedes to fuel cells in time to get to the match. The England coach will be powered by hot air from Mrs Beckham and rendered down brylcreem.

Onions will become a valuable commodity.

2006 will be know as year zero and Pol Pot will come out of hiding with a press release saying - TOLD YOU SO!

Australia will be forgotten and languish in the souther hemisphere where it will adopt the ways of the aboriginals. Kangaroos will be revered as the bringers of all things good and Wombats will be worshipped.

New Zealand won't change a bit.

In France there will be a committee to discuss the problems of the world but it will never reach a consensus and the members will be found as dessicated skeletons by an archeologist from Togo in the year 12 21.

The new museum of the fallen arches will be opened in Northampton - home of Doc martens - by the president of the peoples republic of Chelsea - Dennis Skinner

Jamie Oliver will be ritually roasted at Tower Bridge by homeless chefs in an open air ceremony. (please bring your own balsamic vinegar and sea salt)

Robbie Williams will marry Jeffrey Archer

There will be delays in purgatory as there are leaves on the lay lines.

Godzilla will emerge and marry The Loch Ness monster in a beautiful ceremony. The arch bishop of Canterbury will officiate.

The Queen will die.

Paul W bacon will fall in love with a nice girl from Wigan and settle down to run a post office in Scarborough. They will have the first of the 5 children before he wins the lottery and leaves her for a Bradford lady boy called Karl.

King Charles be so delighted he will get pissed before the coronation. He will then be stricken with gout and declare that he is gay. Camilla will reveal her real name is Cameron.

GW Bush will become a not very good con and will be the first american president to be arrested and tried for treason. He will be sentenced to the death penalty but will be spared by a last minute plea for clemency by President Gloria Estefan.

Fidel Castro will make a pact with the devil and join the republican party.

Coldplay will make another album about dull stuff and Chris Martin will father a child with Angelina Jolie who they will name Benzine.

U2 will split, thus going to No1 on every chart for ever.

Paul McCartney will get divorced. The acrimonious split will result in Britain's GDP decreasing by 24%

Rupert Murdoch will also divorce. His ex-wife will marry Woody Allen in a bizarre Mormon ceremony attended by the hoards of hades and a string quartet.

Gary Glitter will launch a new porno DVD. " THE BIG BOYS GUIDE TO SEX WITH THE OVER 60's".

The most desirable place to holiday will be Greenland.

Dr Marcus Coles of Cambridge university will discover the secrets of fusion one dark winters night. However he will be so stoned and tired from changing nappies that he will forget and the world will remain in darkness for 1000 years until a Vulcan arrives to explain how easy it is and that all we really needed was a can of TIZER and a copy of razzle.

yours

Nostrodamus Jnr

Make mine a large one

I wanted to throw in a few memories about a weird day I once had in outback Australia with The Lovemakers.

We had all travelled from the coast in a toyota van at about 190kms all the way. There were 5 of us and the trip took about 10 hours so by the time we got in it was dark and we were all on ROODAR watch. mainly because those big roo's are killers if you hit them. Scott was peering out of the windows like his life depended on it - which it did.

We had traversed a million miles of bog all when we finally hit town to be greeted with a cold beer and knowing looks from the locals.

All good then. Beer and barbeques commence and everyone is really happy to be there.

Next day check out the gig - 650 people from all over the outback are coming to see the guys and it's fraught with tension. This being Country and Western land hardly anyone had even heard a synth let alone the Lovemakers.

I will tell you more about this as and when I get time but lets concentrate on Conan the sound man for now.

Conan is - as his name suggests - enormous. A true man mountain. When he speaks the floor rumbles and he is decked out in black T shirt and miniscule shorts that reveal a musculature that resembles Arnie on steroids. His mere presence makes the room shrink.

He has just driven from tropical Queensland in a 6 cylinder van that has 3 operations pots for over 2 days and he needs a beer or 2. He is not in the mood to listen to some fussy americans about how they want their foldback to sound. Suffice to say the day does not begin well.

In a room decorated with ballons and tinsel Conan stands prodly behind his Mad Max desk and turns knobs and sliders as if they were Scott Blondes neck. Every request for " a bit more guitar" is greeted with a rumble of thunder as the thunder god controls his rage. Only Lisa is not intimidated. Her tits are like a shield of steel and she knows she can have any man in the room if she wants. Except me! Today I am the manger and therefore a sexless manipulator of all mankind - not to be trusted.

Sound check finishes a bit early. About 1 hour early and all are worried about the forthcoming gig.

What to do?

Manager me slips into full on bullshit mode and attempts the "fucking wankers' approach. "Bloody yanks etc etc.

It has some effect and I get a partial ackowledgement of my existence which I take as a good sign.

Right leave it there.

Back to hotel - beer o clock.

Back to gig for first of 2 sets. OH FUCK ! Sound is terrible. Conan the destroyer makes the band sound like the mouseketeers.

Much doom ensues - we have another set to come and the audience are restless and confused. Who are these american limp dicks? Some people have driven over 500 km to be here.

Wallet time I think.

Off to the bar to buy 12 cans of jack and Coke. Nothing else said - just put them in eyeline of Conan and retreat gracefuly.

Set 2 is a masterpiece. Aurally and visually it is the best show I ever saw them play. Conan makes the rickety old sound system as sweet as a million dollar rig. Audience in raptures.

The Moral

Every man can be bought - you just need to know the price.

THE END OF IT ALL

Did video kill the radio star?

NAH!

Will itunes kill retail - you bet your ass it will.

This just in - music sales down 20% in 2005.

Why?

Lots of reasons but the main one is that big stores like wal mart are selling cd's at $5 and losing on them to get you to buy in their stores.

Other retail is squeezed at both ends - competition from stores and online.

Labels eat shit all the time now because we have to pay for recordings and marketing and all that and radio won't play new music much so we all loose out. New acts sell less than they used to so they aren't signed so no more new music so no new stars so ......... vicious circle time.

Something has to give.

Keep the faith and we will find a way.

Hopefully it is the big companies that will bite the dust and give us all a chance to get back in the game.

The glass is half full. Mostly thanks to indie labels and acts who keep going regardless and who will create the soundtrack to your lives for the next 20 years.

Bring it on!

handing out awards

Off to Melbourne on Friday to hand over the award to Glovebox.

Looking forward to that.

menawhile here is a snippet I picked up off the web



Glen Matlock was shopping in Selfridges recently
and bumped into Noel Gallagher, who was buying
some shirts. They swapped pleasantries and went
their separate ways. A few minutes later a
fan approached Matlock, shook his hand and
said it made his day to meet him. Matlock
told the bloke that if he had been five minutes
earlier he could have met Noel Gallagher.

The reply: "Well, who wants to meet
that cunt?"

jenna jameson

Some of our mates in yankeeland invited us to a shin dig in Texas next year.

NICE

Who will be there?
none other than Jenna Jameson sex godess and porn star!

Are we working with the right people?

Sydney

Sydney today for no other reason than Sydney is a great place.

Walking along through Darling harbour on a balmy summers evening and the office parties are in full swing.

Testosterone city.

All the women are done up like screen stars from the 50's and the vison is most beguiling.

Suddenly around the corner comes a girl in a stunning blue dress. Amazing how a normal girl like that can look a million dollars. I walk past and think about saying something but are we allowed to anymore?

Anyway I don't and I just keep hoping that someone tells her how good she looked. I wish I knew if she could sing!

c'est la vie

record contracts

Back to the music business.

I had to attend an open forum the other week as a panelist. Now this will be a real snore blog unless you are involved someway so I suggest you only read this if you have an inclination to legal matters.

The subject of the panel was record contracts and the like and it was quite an interesting discussion. There were some guys there who really knew what they were talking about but as the conversation ranged over a wide area including recording, touring, synch rights and so on we got a bit involved in finding out what mangers and acts were thinking about.

I was really surprised to find that people are actually quite clued up about this really deadly dull area. I guess if you are thinking that you are going to make lots of money it is important. I was even more surprised to find out that bands are really reluctant to invest in themselves.

Everyone there had an opinion about what made a good deal for bands and labels and so on but hardly anyone was interested in looking at the bigger picture. It seemed like the deal was done on paper alone and there was no reason for anyone to make that the starting point for their business relationships.

What I mean is that once a deal is done it is only the begining. It is like a marriage and once the initial love is over you have to work like abastard to keep the marriage alive. No one seemed to get that and I found it illuminating. After all if you expect sex you at least need to get into foreplay right?

One guy asked me if I thought he should register his bands name as a trademark.

Damn right I do - that is all you have left if it all goes to shit. Who knows what might happen and if you have a record out there and you own the rights you can get tons back if someone steals the name later on. Look at the spinners - detroit spinners fight back in the day and you will get the idea.

think big and forget the numbers on the contract - get the records out there and sold and you willbe able to fight like a bastard later. Don't argue about money you don't have and may never get - argue about what is real and now.

DO YOU KNOW?

Do you know how long it takes to get a record out?

Answers on a blog comment and I willl tell you.

CLUE - more than a week.

bush, dick and colon

I had to put that triumverate as the headline - after all we have been waiting ages for such a tidy collection of body parts to run the world!

sneak executions

The thought for today isn't really about music at all. In fact it is about how we are all manipulated into believing the things we are made to believe.

Here it is: Down here in Australia there has been an almighty fuss about a guy who just got hung in Singapore for drug trafficking. His name was Van Ngyen. Since he was busted about 3 years ago there has been nothing written about him at all. At least until the Singaporeans killed him that is.

What has happened is that a few other aussies have been arrested in Bali for doing the same thing.

This is where it gets interesting. One of them - Michelle Corby is white and from the Gold Coast where her family are well known for being shall we say dodgy dealers? She was done for having about a pillow case worth of hash in her boogie board bag. She is also pretty good looking and it made a lot of headlines here when she was found guilty.

Later on another foxy chick was arrested but this time she was only half white and her name was Michelle Leslie I think. She had 2 tabs of E and was duly locked up. All the press were behind here until her family paid a bribe and she said she was muslim so that she could get out of stir. When she got back here it was only to be greeted by an outraged press and a few evil sods with axes to grind.

Meanwhile there are 9 kids - yes 9 ! who were shopped to the Indonesian police for smuggling H. About 3 - 5 kilo's each from Bali to Aus. Most are ugly and or Asian in origin. Now here is the interesting part - The Australian Federal Police knew what they were doing because a parent had told them so that they would stop it from happening. Instead they let them go ahead and now they all face the death penalty in Bali. Press coverage is almost non existent at present as they are still waiting to be tried. You better believe it will ramp up when the rifles are loaded.

So what is the point of telling you this?

Well it is a really neat way to execute people without getting bloody hands. It also demonises the "foreign" devils who encourage such barbarism and it also sends a signal to the ethnic minorities that the Aussie Security services are watching and will get you whereever you are. Tidy population control eh?

The moral here is this: If you vote in cynical evil men you get cynical evil policies. Beware!

why bands hardly ever get it right

Hi there

I thought I would just throw in a few choice experiences for all you blog watchers out there.

Here is the first thing that I get asked about and perhaps the most pertinent. Over the years I have been asked this a million times - how do I get started and become famous? By now I have concluded that that is the wrong question. Instead ask yourself this:


WHY do great bands hardly ever get famous?

In reply here is one possible answer:

The maths that means it’s almost inevitable.

Or to make life easier and save you years of heartache and empty pockets -

How to get it wrong - 101

The music business is a weird and wonderful thing. People call it an industry – which it is in a way – but it is more like a medieval kingdom where loads of evil robber barons roam free. For every kingdom to be built a million peasants must give their lives. Are you one of the peasants or Kings?

Think of it this way, there are about one million bands at any given moment who all think they are the best thing since the Beatles. Of that million bands perhaps 10% have talent and the rest just like to think they have it.

From that 10% there are about 10% who have any idea of how the music business operates and generally they are the older ones who have been through it all before.

Sadly in our fickle world no one wants to look or listen to old musicians so the 10% who could do it are out of the game from day 1. That leaves the 90% who have no idea.

Some of the remaining 90% have a contact who says they can help – lets assume this leaves half of them in the game – that’s about 5% of our original group. In this example that’s 50 000 bands.

Now - Ask yourself if the people who say they can do things are always realists and you will undoubtedly answer – NO! but for our purposes lets assume 50% have a chance of delivering – that means 25 000 bands with some know how and talent are still in with a chance.

In America every year there are around 30 000 cd’s released. So if you assume that 30% of those are new acts that leaves a grand total of about 10 000 chances for an album up for grabs and 25 000 bands competing worldwide. Around a 1:2 chance to get a deal. Sounds great doesn’t it. You are one of the certainties and can’t fail to get in there. From now on lets assume the Gods have favoured you and you have signed with a label.

Now lets ask the key question – what are you doing to make it work?
Not what has your label done – YOU?

Have you got gigs?
Have you got songs?
Have you got fans?
Have you toured outside your local area?

Frankly who cares? Most bands do and get nowhere. Do it anyway but don’t expect it to pay off everytime. Those are the basics that you must do before you are even a band.

That is the industry part – sweat and tears in Dubuque on a wet Wednesday in May when your PA has blown and the drummer has a busted finger. INDUSTRY means something – it means work and that means an aching back not a sore finger from hammering frets.

If you want success you need to look at other angles before you start.

What genre are you?
Don’t tell me a cross between Rap and Metal. I don’t care.
Tell me radio categories - AAA, ROCK, AC – What?

Why Radio?
Because that is the kingdom you are trying to take over. Not TV or any other media – RADIO.

If you want to be realistic about your chances aim high and expect to fall.

Don’t be picky and do the usual band thing of saying “I fucking hate Shania Twain (replace with any act you hate). If you hate them you know them; If you know them they are successful and where you want to be. Hate them because they have your place in the pantheon of music not because they play trite music. Learn from success.

Every band needs to know that trying to emulate Radiohead or Bob Marley is not going to work. The guys at Clear Channel don’t give a fuck how good you are – all they care about is how many listeners can you hold until the next ad break. Your label is in the business of doing that for them and if it don’t fit they won’t wear it.

Remember this fact if nothing else – your audience doesn’t know or care what chords you are playing. They know what makes their hearts beat faster and that’s all they know.

Every label sets out with the sole ambition of being real music fans until the dollars start fading and the thrill of signing new acts is replaced by the reality of what each new act means in terms of work. You may think your label is shit and doesn’t do anything for you. Maybe they don’t but instead of blaming them ask yourself why?

Have you had a row about art or track lists or songs or politics or any of the other million things that affect daily life?
If you have what was the objection?
Can you deal with it?
If not walk away.
Otherwise bite the bullet and get on with it.

What good is being right about everything when you are broke and miserable. Believe me it is much easier to be right when you are rich – ask Mr Murdoch.

Bands always complain about Distro and forget that distro is just that – it isn’t a permanent sales team ready to do your bidding. They don’t have a magic wand to make stores buy your album. Basically distro is a warehouse and few trucks with cd’s in. They deliver product you need to deliver value.

Everyone and I mean everyone at the sharp end of the music business is upbeat about everything. They have to be or they would all commit suicide.

Musicians must believe they are the greatest otherwise why write new stuff?
Labels believe their acts are special otherwise why sign them?

At the dull end things are different.
Lawyers get paid and have no judgement issues.
Manufacturers and distro don’t care if its music or tampons so long as it sells.
PR gets paid for making stuff up so they will say anything.
Radio doesn’t need you – if it did would all those Gold stations work? There is enough music there to satisfy anyone.

So what the hell do you do?

Easy

Decide who you want to sing for – If you know who the song is for everything else is easy.

Look in a mirror and see if you are looking good or crap. Adjust accordingly

Figure out what you can do to help your label to convince radio and distro and fans and every one else to buy your records.

Press the flesh. (I mean work every situation as a way to get the word out – not wanking!)

Play every gig like it’s your first. Energy is a wonderful thing – it transmits itself ten fold.

Relax in the mansion and spend 20 years slagging off Britney for leaving her trash in the drive next door.