It just is cricket

G'day

I know that cricket has nothing to do with music but I have to tell you this one.
I heard it whilst watching the world cup from the West Indies.

A fine Aussie - Kerrie O'Keefe - told this one as Australia were bowling against Sri Lanka

A frog walks into a bank and goes to the counter. He sees from his badge, that the teller is called Paddy Whack.
"G'day, Paddy" he says, "My name is Kermit Jagger and I would like to borrow $30 000".

The teller looks at him in surprise and replies, "Well we would require some collateral for that sir. What do you have?"

The frog then produces a small pink elephant and hands it over the counter.

"I am sorry sir, what is this?" asks Paddy.

"It's a family heirloom", says Kermit "I am sure it will be enough.
Look, why don't you ask your manager he is a friend of mine?" continues the frog.

Off goes Mr Whack to see his manager.

He explains that there is a frog outside who wants to borrow $30 000 and that he is offering a small pink elephant as collateral. Paddy says, " I'm not sure what it is or what to do but he says he is a friend of yours."

The manager looks up and with a stern frown says,
"It's a nick-Nak Paddy Whack, Give the frog a loan. His old man is a rolling Stone!


Thank you and good night.

Puff Daddy is Almost Gay - WHAHEY!

Prodigious honourings to you my massed ranks of cognoscenti,

Today I opened the paper to find that Sean "Puffy Combs" had to make a rapid exit from the Maddox Club in London because he was approached by a big gay rich bloke. Aparently Puff was just chillin' with the bretheren when the mincer with the quiff sauntered over and tried to squeeze the knees of the MC's.

Laugh? I nearly shat.

I mean what does the guy expect?

Everywhere else in the English speaking world the world "Puff" is synominous with breakfast cereals and gay men. So unless you are going to leave the confines of your luxury sweet (sic) don't call yourself Puffy and expect not to be chatted up by another geezer!

In a way this is a great example of how branding works.

Call yourself Coke these days and there is a good chance a nice lady with no nose will invite herself to your barmitvah.
Or Tab and you are going to be surrounded by teenagers looking for a rave.

I guess you already know that the label is called Baria. The trouble with that is it was suppossed to be BARRIER. Just like the Reef. I thought that would be a kool name for an Aussie label. When I registered the name I was overseas and had to do it all by phone. The idiot on the other end heard my name and wrote it as BARIA. So now that's the name of the label. Okay I can live with that but it seems that Baria is a province in India and also something to do with fundamentalist muslims or something. Pretty ironic really, considering I hate all kinds of fundamentalists.

So in a nutshell my little peonies, beware of names. If you get it wrong you might get fondled by a person that isn't quite your cup of tea.

On the other hand - maybe a change is as good as a rest. Remember the lube dude.

Puff on Daddy.

Ciao

99% of record labels are crooks

Guten Morgen,

back to business sweet reader.

All the blogosphere "hints" pages tell you not to do this but I have just read a great article written by the guy who produced Nirvana.

I have put a link in so you can read it for yourselves.

Not all of us are on the same road.

Weirdly enough almost exactly the same scenario has happened to us this year and we are a label.
It happened because we trusted Mr Big in the distro chain and he took our pants down and probed the openings like a Navy Seal in Roswell.

Just read it and take note. It's very accurate and is a warning for us all. Indie, musician and dreamer alike.


http://negativland.com/albini.html

Is there any point?

Shalom beloved reader,

I sometimes wonder if there is really any point in writing this blog.

After all apart from you who is reading? I don't know and although Google are smart people I am sure they don't know either. Perhas more to the point I don't think they care. But I do. I really do.

So punters galore please tellme what you think. Even if you hate it. Say something.

I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that the biggest problem with our new internet world is that no one has any responsibility so no one gives a shit. It's so easy to ignore everyone and everthing if its virtual and the problem with that is that it is begining to infect our daily interactions.

If you want to get ahead inmusic you need fans. To get fans you need to make a connection and lets be honest here you are not going to connect with a computer in the same way you would conect with a person are you?

If we continue to ignore each other and react like real people we will be consigning ourselves to a future of electronic banality. I promise you - as an old old man - that if you don't get involved you will end up being shown the way by people who have. I will also promise that you will hate what they give you.

It is your world. Your future. Your now. So please get up and say something. If not to me then to someone else. Make life active and you will make it better.

Hype still has a place in the pantheon of pop but as a rule the music that makes it is the music that is accessed in person.

For example, today I spoke to someone who has 16 new bands to plug. 16 - and thats just one plugger. If you add all the others up thats a lot of noise out there drowning out your sound. So you need to out play - out perform and most of all out meet every other musician who crosses your path.

I realy hate it when bands come over all "I AM SOOO MUCH MORE TALENTED THAN THEM" and send the night slagging off the other guys on the bill. If you look at successful musicians you will see that the best of them listen and learn from their peers. You need to know what works and it's no damn good pretending you are brillinat when you aren't. There is no such thing as an overnight success. It has to be worked at.

When you run a label it can be really depressing to see talent waste itself just by being stupid and belive me we see it every day. There could be so many more happy and productive people if they just got up off their backsides and JUST DID IT!

So, my apprentice send a reply to this. Tell me I am wrong and see if you become famous by blogging or.... say hi and get your arse off the sofa and play a gig in your nearest bus stop. It will change your life if you do it every day.

Salaam Bretheren

Lies Damn Pies and Statistics

Goede Morgen,

in this infinately fascinating world there are a few things that pass by each of us that are guaranteed to make your hackles rise.

There are of course the politicians and self important numb butts that grace our TV screens each day. But they are on on-going problem, rather like genital lice: Annoying but hardly life threatening. Then there are the bullies and aggressors who can make your life so uterly miserable that its not worth a damn but lets be opitimistic ans say that they will get their come-up-ance. Karma works that way. But there is one more insidious creature that stalks the dark recesses of humanity.

I present the BUROCRAT.

As you are avid readers of my latest news, views and drivel you may already be aware of the potential disasters that await all of us who are trying to break out from the normal 9-5 routine. But have you ever been sucked into the machine that 9-5 really entails? I just have and it is horrible beyond compare.

You see the various governments we deal with all have their own particular way of trying to make you conform and woe betide you if you don't. I am sure that it all began as a well meaning experiment but that's no excuse; isn't that how Frankenstein came to life?

In the UK we now have new laws designed to prevent money laundering. These laws are so stupid that they almost stop anyone doing deals at all.

For Example, In order to borrow money you must provide a whole raft of I.D. Fair enough. But once you have done that you must then produce it again and again as each step of the process proceeds. It isn't enough that the bank is legitimate and they have known you for 10 years. They must hire a seperate, 3rd party, team to verify your existence. Why trust your own systems when a quick squeeze of the nether regions will determine if you are who you say you are. For this you are charged money which is then added to the debt and interest is added to that as well. No wonder efficiency is going to hell. No one can fart without paperwork being filed in triplicate with the complaince officer (noxious gasses) in Room 101 - The Stinky Building, Ponderous End, PO E.

America is even worse becuase of the damn federal system of taxes. Califoria sales tax, state, federal, IE something or other and so on. Paperwork is a real headache.

As for Aus it is so overgoverned that 98.3% of the population are employed filing and the other 1.6% are filling in forms.

Even so despite all this people are still trying to have a good time during their short sojorn on earth. But even as I write the clever bastards are maeouvering to make life more difficult. Not by letting us get on with our lives and concentrating on the important things in life like health, respect, and music but by inventing new kinds of taxes and fiddles to keep everyone on the treadmill.

Did you know that between them Bill Gates and Warren Buffet own as much as the bottom 30% of American society? That really makes their "generosity" plain. You can be generous when you own every fucking thing!

Have you also noticed how thin they are? Personal trainers - not cheap.

Bill and Buffett are two of the guys inventing things that slow your mind like spreadsheets and formatted documents. Thanks to them we can communicate but we can't spell. Carrier Pigeon anyone? The new net age has given us the option of talking directly to each other whereever and whenever we want to but it has als resulted in some unexpected side effects. Like BARIATRIC products. Piss taking buggers are using our name to promote chairs for wider people. (Something which America no longer has a monoploy on). You should see their stools (sic).

We have an obesity epidemic across the Anglicised world. What was once confined to the suburbs of Washington D.C. has now reached the extremities of the American empire. Thanks to Big Mac and Burger King and their helpful and ever dynamic allies at Coke.

NO FUCKING WONDER EVERYONES GETTING FAT! Who can get up and dance when you are forced to spend your days ticking boxes and undergoing examinations dictated by anally retentive accountants? (I bet there are some men who would pay good money to act out that scenario! Oh yes MR Tackle. Please inspect my Anal retention! etc)

Tick
Sip
Tick
Sip
Munch
Tick
Sip

So the purpose of this little rant is to try and resurect - with a minor alteration - the old slogan that made me get active. (I recently weighed 400 lbs due to middle aged spread - a Margarine substitute made by Nabisco. I only use organic lard and whale gristle on my Mighty White toast these days and the change is remarkable.


Here we go, then. Raise those knees and open that mouth. Now sing along.....

FUCK WORK LETS DANCE!

Via Condios funsters

THE POWER OF LYRICS

Felcitations devoted readers,

I bring you news and thoughts that may inspire or affect you as you see fit.

I have come across a story that made me think of just how powerful our words really are.
It behoves us all to ignore the proverb "sticks and stones' because it is patent rubbish. Words matter. They start wars and demonstrate love and everything we do is mediated by what we say and the way we say it.

Think of how these words have been appropriated and given new meaning and nuance - Nigger, Gay, Wog, Motherfucker, love, hate, queer, not. The list is endless but you see my point?

With that in mind I wanted to turn to lyrics and how they affect us. I am sure you have a favourite line from a song - Try these - "Out of my brain on the 5-15" or "I Don't give a damn I don't fucking care, Going kill my mum and dad and cut off all my hair," or "Hope, I wish you'd believe me." Or try Opera and take the interminable dirge that is Peter Grimes - " FISH, fish , fishermand, or "Oh Lord, forgive my bitter weeping" or "My tiny hand is frozen". And so it goes on.

As afficionado's of the musical librettists you will no doubt feel that I am labouring the point but I give you the following poem by way of apology. It was written by someone who was a witness to an unsolved murder on New Years Eve 07. This person has written the poem and posted it all over his estate in Bristol so that no one is in any doubt who the murderer is. His name has been removed from here but no doubt he will be singing your songs in jail. Makes a change from the dull apolgy for lyrics that most failed gangsta rappers pretend is "real".

Perhaps this should be the foundation for your next song

Adieu mes amies.


Now I will show how a few words can be made
As sharp and deadly as any boy's blade
How running away will not you save
The truth is there like an open grave


You can wipe your bloody hands in the grass, till they bleed...

A defenceless man is dead and his blood's gone cold
But the story of his end is going to be told


You can run and run till your shoes wear thin
And hope that you're safe, 'cos of the colour of your skin
Paul Kelly lies dead, and who held the knife?
It was you, [name removed], we all saw take his life.

The New Year was but a short hour old
When you and your mates were: Oh, so bold.
You put us to shame,
But we did the same.

It was black on white, so it must be right
It was you who said: 'He had it coming that night.'
Then you ran away and we turned our backs.
You said we would be next if we breathed a word
We took in you threats that now sound absurd

So we closed our eyes
And took in your lies

So where will you run when, at last, you face a brave man?
You gonna run once more through the streets, all a quiver?

Will wash yourself down in the deep, deep river?
Yow, young [name removed], where you threw the knife,
Listen to what I say and take good heed:
You can wipe your bloody hands in the grass, till they bleed...
But you will never, never get them clean.

Sax and Dregs and Rock n Roll

Salutations Hipsters.

Today I have little that is worthy of note to say so instead I thought I would tell you about a perfect moment in my rock n roll life.

The event in question took place some years ago and whilst it will never make it into the annals of pop history it will always be a day I will treasure.

A friend of mine, Trevski, was working as a roadie for that Tragic 70's hippy band - Supertramp.

Now you may say that is as uncool as it gets but I hapen to love Supertram and have done since I was a kid. My first encounter with them was when I was given their album "Breakfast in America" one Christmas when I was 13 and living in the desert near El Paso, Texas.

Years later, one sunny day in Cornwall I was driving in an opentop car with a gaggle of Dutch loonies who were all singing along to "Paris" as loud as their spliff expanded lungs could manage.

Crime of the Century reminds me of too many deep, depressing moments in the military (so does New England Billy Bragg which was my platoon song but I digress).

Ever since then their songs have re-appeared on the soundtrack of my life and as a result I just love them.

So on that wonderful day I flew down from Luton and into the heart of wealthy Europe - NICE. (You say neece not nice - its verry French yew no.) and jumped into a cab. 20 minutes, 100 Euros and a heart attack later I arrived at the coolest 'otel in the world.

That evening - after a trawl through the miniscule pricipality of Monaco - I met up with Trevski and the crew in the bar. Now, as you know the protocol in these siutuations is to keep your mouth shut, buy a round and blend in with the gang.

So off to the decorous bar I went. Standing there was an old guy all wrapped in Lycra and looking a bit lost. We nodded a greeting and then I realised it was the famous sax player John Hellawell. He of the sax solo and megaphone. Bloody Well Right it was!

The chat was lovely and it turned out he lived just up the road from where I grew up. What could I do? I bought the man a drink. I bought one for myself and I bought one for Trevski ad AJ the pseudo jewish guitar tech. So basking in the majesty of the moment I flashed the cash and paid the bill.

I stood at the bar for a few minutes more waiting for my change. Came there none. Instead the barman asked me for another 50 Euro.

That round cost me E150!!!! It also broke me for the night.

Thank god for the tour bus stash. No one was buying after that.

At the end of the weekend - which I am not going to describe because what goes on tour stays on tour - I checked out of the hotal and asked the concierge where the bus to Nice left from.

With a sneer that only a Frenchman can maintain he looked at me as if I were mad - "Sir, zer iz no bus."

Ok - I guess I will need to risk a taxi

"Taxi Sir? Why do you tek ze texi? Yew should tek ze helicopter." and with the ultimate withering pout "It is cheaper."

He was right. It was magical and it is the only way to see the Cote D'Azur.

Au Revior

Beck to Basics

Once again enconsced in the bosom of my homeland and I am investing most of my time in negotiations that could well alter the structure of our little empire forever. I can't tell you more about that right now but I can say that we have been approached by some very nice chaps who want to get into the business.

In many ways that's reassuring - knowing that there are more lunatics about with the same dementia as me.

As a part of our "discussions" there have been long winded conversations about what strategy we should be employing in the face of the new digital world. I am happy to report that no one has any idea but everyone pretends that they have. How do we deal with CD sales falling through the floor and peer to peer and all the stuff that everyone else writes about? Well, frankly I don't care anymore.

The latest conference was too much for me and if this deal doesn't come off I am announcing now to you - my dear music lovers - that we are going to revamp the entire label and dump a whole load of ancient practises. It is time for us to be leaders not followers.

Change is always a real problem but thankfully there aren't that many of us and we are all pretty flexible so it won't really hurt. I wish the same could be said for everyone.

America is a tough place at the best of times but when the cash cows are being slaughtered there is inevitably going to be internecine warfare. Here in the UK the ripples are spreading. Warners have dumped the UK CEO this week and all is not well at EMI (as we have learnt already). God knows what happening behind closed doors in LA right now.

I will bet you as soon as the redundancy notices land in Hollywod Boulevard that will be a whole load of "OH YEAH DUDE - FOR CERTAIN" arse lickers out there who have suddenly developed an unhealthy interest in the new kids on the block - DAVE AND VIC; otherwise known as Posh and Becks. These people are called vultures and should be avoided at all costs.

Maybe there will be an entirely new entertainment industry founded by the King and Queen of Europe that actually pays attention to what the rest of the world finds interesting but if these chaps get innvolved I doubt it. Self interest and creativity do not make good bed fellows but with Posh and Becks I think they know the game better than anyone. Beware America, the European self obsessed are getting pretty good at playing that game. The rules are changing.

In case you don't know - the entire globe (including North Korea and excluding Australia and the USA) has an obsession with soccer. Without doubt the greatest stars of this sport are the players of a few select teams - Manchester United, Real Madrid, Juventus and Barcelona and Liverpool. These guys earn money on the field that is staggering - try $250 000 a week for a rough guide. Then add on the merch and other rights and you can soon see that they are individuals who are industries in themselves and of all these chaps the biggest is by far DAVID BECKHAM. A very smart boy who speaks English, Spanish and style fluently. He is also talented, handsome and a walking sexual fantasy for most of the gay men in the Western Hemisphere.

Becks is married to a Spice Girl and now he has signed to play for the LA Galaxy for £125 million for the next few years. Thats about $400 million in your American dollars! Even if America carries on ignoring everyone outside of the 50 states I promise you this guy will make an impact on your lives. He is bigger than General Motors and much more profitable.

All this is a great example of how to make change a great bonus if you have the foresight to try something new. hats of to the Galaxy. They can't fail to make their money back.

So I am hoping that simply by think about what Becks has done will, by some osmotic process, help us to create a new way of working that is massively profitable and also kind of fun. Hope after all is another thing we are all short of.

So there you are. Think big - Think different and maybe look at places where no one else will go and there may be a golden opportunity awaiting.

Like Starbucks signing McCartney it is all about associating yourselves with a big image to grab the attention and then hoping you haven't backed the wrong name. I think LA Galaxy have it right and Starbucks are about to eat the bitter beans of a balls up.

Cali nikta

Just read this and weep America

He is a grumpy bugger but this just about gets it right.
Just about - even though he has no idea of British Geography and that my dear colonial cousins is unforgiveable!

T T FN

Which is posh for Ta Ta for Now.

Toodel oooo.


TAKEN FROM A POST ON: http://lefsetz.com

The Feeling At Shepherd’s Bush Empire

It’s different here. Everybody’s still a believer.

There’s radio. That everybody listens to. There’s television, featuring all the new acts. And tons of TV advertising and billboards to boot. There’s a vibe here, music is part of the fabric. David Byrne had it right. Same as it ever was.

At the Shepherd’s Bush Empire tonight I felt it was like 1964, and the Beatles were performing. The venue is unlike any in the U.S., that I’ve been to anyway. It looks like a legit theatre, but according to the history, it’s always been used for music.

On the floor people were packed in so tight it was almost like the Who in Cleveland.

And then there were THREE balconies. Hovering seeming feet from the stage. It was so intimate, you felt so THERE! There was a level of excitement we used to have HERE in the sixties. One that disappeared long ago, with the arena rock of the seventies and the MTV of the eighties.

Speaking of which, the Feeling covered the Buggles’ "Video Killed The Radio Star". I heard the initial notes and…couldn’t believe it.

But even more stunning was that everybody knew the words. They were singing along. Hell, many times during the show the audience functioned like a backup singer.

You’d think it would be all girls, aren’t they the only ones listening to pop?

But there were some oldsters like me. And twentysomething dudes who looked like they’d whomp you in a blind alley. But, they were singing along with every word.

It’s like music is the national religion here. Not like a sideshow in the U.S.

All the money and all the celebrity conspired to ruin the mainstream music scene in the States. The only shit worth seeing is under the radar. Whether it be Robert Randolph or some band in a club. The stars? They don’t seem to be playing to the fans, but to the media. Their devotion is to the bank, not the listener. It’s palpable. The mainstream music scene in the U.S. is so phony that you tune it out.

But according to Richard, CD sales are UP in the teenage demo in the U.K. I mean broadband penetration isn’t what it is in the U.S., but I see a lot of white headphones. Then again, CD prices are dropping here. Tesco is in a battle with Warner, it won’t even stock a couple of hit records until they bring the price down. Predictions are that CDs are gonna decline to five pounds, far less than half of what they were only a few years ago.

And this gig? Thirteen pounds and change. Which works out to under thirty bucks.

Furthermore, it’s cheaper than that. Because our money ain’t worth shit over here. Lunch at the museum today, a small salad, was twelve bucks. The ten minute cab ride to the venue? Twenty bucks. It’s not like we’re living in a third world nation in the U.S., but for the supposed greatest country in the world, we’re not looking too good. Hell, the FOOD is even good in London these days. The Tesco at the gas station doesn’t only put 7-11 to shame, it eclipsed Ralphs in quality, if not breadth.

So whatever anybody tells you, don’t take what’s happening in the U.K. to be representative of what’s happening in the U.S., and vice versa. They’re two completely different worlds. The U.S. has got Top Forty, comprised of hip-hop and a bit of pop, and the underground. With dinosaurs ruling the live venues.

In the U.K., the dinosaurs tour, hell, I saw an ad for HAWKWIND in "Q". But the up and comers, it’s a very vibrant scene. And it’s multifarious genres, in a way we haven’t seen in the States since the seventies.

Sure, the acts sell out and do endorsements here, but it’s not as big a deal, because people don’t believe in the myth. They know except for the Robbie Williamses, everybody’s doing it for a lark, and will be down in the pit working a day job with them soon.

As for the band…

The mix was HORRIFIC! The bass sounded like a chainsaw and dominated the mix. The solo in "Sewn" couldn’t even be heard. And the lead singer was just as jive as he was in L.A.

But it all didn’t fall flat here. The audience clapped hard for an encore. The early twentysomething girls in front of me drank their beer and shook their asses even though none of them had a man in sight. It was about the MUSIC! The way it made them feel. Real good.

Shepherds Bush Empire

__________________________________________

One more thing. It’s like a living record here. I was riding the Central line back from the venue and one of the stops was…"White City"! I thought Pete Townshend was being METAPHORIC when he named his album that.

And Harry talked about buying a house in Richmond. Which immediately reminded me of the Faces song.

And every time I look at the tube map, "Play With Fire" goes through my brain…

Now she gets her kicks in Stepney
Not in Knightsbridge anymore

You feel the musical culture here. You get a sense of where the musicians were coming from when they wrote those classic songs. After all, it’s not always sunny like in L.A., you have plenty of time to think, to be introspective, to let your inner feelings and hopes and dreams out in your songs. It’s less about shining on, and more about WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!

But most people never do.

The Feeling is an English thing. So many of today’s English acts just will not translate, they’re local productions and phenomenons. Makes you wonder why we went through twenty odd years of English music dominating the American charts.

And I open the paper on the train this afternoon and there’s a picture of the Battersea Power Station… Can you say ANIMALS???

SHIT KICKERS TO NO KNICKERS

Ah, Dear Reader,
today I bring you a tale of such cultural divides that it has left me glassy eyed and rolling on the floors with raucous laughter.

What a simple tale of grace versus feral laviciousness.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, an operatic Diva of a Maori persuassion, was recruited by Australian music company, LEADING EDGE, to perform a concert with the local talent - JOHN FARNHAM.

John Farnham is famous almost nowhere else but Australia. He is the epitomy of the Aussie "larrikin". In other words he is a fat balding, wealthy man who does not have much talent but who knows how to live up to the iconic symbols of Aus. by being surrounded by "mates" like the Prime Minister and financiers who own vinyards. TRUE BLUE.

GAG FROM THE OLD FOLKS HOME:
What's an Australians' favourite chat up line?
Brace yourself Sheila!

Dame Kiri decided - after spending $128 000 on a helicopter flight- that she simply couldn't do the show with Mr Farnham and so the promoters were forced to go out into the big wide world and recruit another artist. TOM "Didn't I sleep with your Mum in '63" Jones.

It is not unusualy for Diva's to get into a bit of a wobbly state and cancel shows but this was a bit different. Kiri was sued for non performance for $2 million. They court was convened and all the leading barristers gathered in their bewigged finery and argued the case with all the rigour of Rumpole and the guy from CSI. To and fro went the battle, like a veritable feeding frenzy until finally the judge asked Dame Kiri why she had pulled out of the show with the farm boys.


"I was concerned about the underwear being thrown at him, and him collecting it and holding it in his hands" she told Mr Justice of the Australian Supreme Court. At which point he no doubt called a recess and went into his chambers for a quick hand shandy and a bottle of rum.

Don't you just love the idea of a Dame who is used to singing in front of audiences consiting mostly of the living dead being revolted by kinickers thrown by a horde of menopausal shit kickers from the bush? I mean how clean can you get? I will guarantee you that every single pair has been washed and ironed and placed carefully in handbag before the show.

They probably have John Farnham knicker throwing displays at the local fairs in Dubbo and Eumundi. And I will also stake money on the fact that the chances of catching anything remotely contagious from them is infinitesimaly small.

But the Judge - being of sound body and rather unstable mind ruled in favour of Dame Kiri and her classless devotion to truth, justice and the puritan way.

Poor old Jonnie Farnham made his money and so did Tom Jones and I bet that all the randy ladies from the outback never gave the tame Dame another seconds thought.

I hope for their sake that having spent $300 on a ticket at least the blubbering mountain of flab that is Jonnie got them moist. He is the outbacks answer to female Viagra after all. I bet Dame Kiri is regretting not having a bash at that before she sings her last Aria. I know I would.


Kia Ora

The Shipping Forecast

After expending my carbon credits by flying back from the land of the fathers I landed at Gatwick - the worlds most god forsaken airport - so that I could rush up to a meeting at the legendary townhouse studios in London.

This place is an amazing labyrinth of studios and mastering suits that has a history that basically writes the last 30 years of the british music business.

The great thing about my little visit is that both Al and Steve took me for a guided tour of the entire place - from the basement to the roof an it was a really charming place to be. I can see why musicians love it so much. In the bowels of the building I came across boxes of old DAT tapes from everyone who has ever been there. I picked up a dusty box and found it was an old Beta video tape of Iron Maiden live in Rio. Lying gathering dust in a damp basement - the stuff of legend. Someday someone will have a clear out and find hidden treasures like this that have been long forgotten.

It is sort of reassuring to find that despite my most cynical moments there are still places that have a real scent of musical history still hanging about.

On the way up to London I switched on the radio and heard one of the great British institutions - the Radio 4 SHIPPING FORECAST. In case you have never heard this it is just a list of sea areas and pressures, sea conditions and yet somehow it is redolent of the entire history of Britain. "Cromarty , Forth, Tyne Dogger. West North West 1008, falling." is the kind of thing you hear. "Thames, Dover Wight. gale force 8 gusting 9. Imminent."

The thing with the shipping forecast is that no matter what the weather man is saying he always says it in a clear calm voice so that boats out at sea can hear it and write it down. That way they will know in advance if they are going to sink in the perfect storm later that day. Nice. I only wish there was a music business forecast.

Can you imagine a broadcast that you could tune into that went along these lines:

"Digital, Live, Merch - 40% rising slowly.
Licence, Sync, Myspace. Anti-cyclonic. Steady.
Labels. Legals, CD, Retail, falling fast. Collapse Imminent."

What a relief that would be.

As you know we are at the unknown edge of a new weather front in the way music is managed. It is unpredicatable. A bit like the winter. One day calm, the next stormy. I do feel that right now the storm is just passing over and we may even emerge from the other side in the next year or two. It is feeling better now that it has for ages.

One thing that does worry me is that I have heard a few bits of news from the big city. Remember where you heard it first ( or second or ages ago ...)

Firstly Whitfield St studios shut down whilst I was in Aus. What a shame. Brilliant massive space, right in the centre of London. Then Sarn is in the dung again and so is Olympic and even Abbey Road is losing cash. What a terrible omen for the technicians and guardians of yore and what an opportunity for the new bucks with verve and a few dollars to spend on Pro tools and a decent Mac.

Clever men i shite coats with shiny heads are always inventing new ways to record and technology is always changing so that isn't really a problem but, what may be a problem is the loss of a community and shared experiences that places like these create. Its what what we all got into the business for after all. Weeks of sweaty hedonism in the dark, dank rooms where others have already behaved badly and brilliantly allow a certain creative freedom that a bedroom studio does not. I mean aren't you more likely to knock of the hookers and gak in a creative haze when you are in a proper studio than when you are blogging or watching clips on you tube whilst you wait for that damn render to finish?

We allow these places to decay at our peril.

Save the wailers.
Save the wail.

The Lithuanian Property Market

It is incredible. Truly amazing. I am stunned.

Here I am sitting in the lobby of a rather swanky hotel in Deutchland with an imported - an it has to be said expenzive (sic) - copy of the Financial TImes in my hands when one of the unbiquitous inserts falls into my lap.
"
"Meet McEnroe, Becker, Cash etc" it says. Wimbledon 2007."

Now, I have not the slightest interest in Tennis. As far as I am concerned it is just another waste of effort but because it is a rather boring aspect to life on the road; this sitting in lobbies and waiting for things; I have quick squizz. Lots of nice pictures and blurb and then the price. JESUS!

Mens Doubles Finals - £2395!!!! Thats around $5000 US each!!!! Holy cow.

It isn't even for one of the singles finals.

For that money you get Strawberries, lunch and - television to watch the matches on the day.

The rugby world cup is in there too, That one is £ 2995 for 2 days including the final.

I do understand the corporate thing that is going on and that multi million dollar deals are done at these events but it has got me to thinking that we have really screwed up in the music business.

How can it be possible that that kind of money is being thrown about on sports when music is lucky to get away with a few quid for a CD?

It made me look at the pages of the FT a bit more closely today and I have found out some other interesting facts.
Did you know that the Lithuanian property market is 90% financed by Swiss Francs, or that there is a big fight going on for purchase of the Chicago exchange?

No, neither did I.

So what the hell has that got to do with us? Well, quite a lot in fact.

If Lithuania borrows in Francs and then the Swiss put the rates up their nice little earner becomes a bit of a disaster and that in turn leads to another episode like the one that is happening in the US sub-prime lending markets - look it up if you don't understand that. That leads to a collapse of confidence in the German, Lithuaniana banking sector and suddenly a big economy hits the skids.

Uh - YEAH BUT WHO CARES?

You should. Because if that happens and Germany goes pop (like a weasel not like Nena and her 99 luft ballons) the Euro loses value and makes European goods cheaper for everyone. Thus the American, Chinese and everyone else buys well engineered and stylish euro goods instead of brash and broken Chryslers.

The mighty economies lose sales and punish everyone with trade sanctions and bullshit like the Doha round of interminable trae talks. The rest of the world sees the Euro getting more valuable and gets shitty with the hawks on capital hill for once and Japan sells its holdings of the the dollar. The only thing thatis keeping Team USA afloat right now is Japanese and Arab money - remember that.

American confidence goes down and you find that the only things available now are not exactly the best - like Zenith Tv's instead of Sony's - and it gets more expensive to buy basics like your food. Money is getting tighter so you cut back on frivolities like music and sales decrease even more. Suddenly bands are getting dropped and the job you thought was safe is not and so it goes on and on.

It is the vicious circle.

Not a happy thought is it?

The Lithuanian property market has indirectly fucked up your record collection. Go figure...... as they say in parts west of here.

There is another option. We could actually revalue our own products and make them desireable and more expensive.

Take a leaf out of the classical book and make your shows so exotic and special that they become corporate events that people want to attend for "business purposes". What better way to attract publicity and value than by excluding the sweating proles from your gigs and making it all so exclusive that only the suits can attend?

Or how about only releasing very expensive and therefore rare albums that are so heavily protected by DRAM that they can only be played twice before self destruting (Actually thats a bloody good idea. You can't have that - its mine - copyright - patent pending). They could be the Faberge eggs of music. Like a really obscure wine that no one ever drinks but that some idiot will pay millions for.

But if we do that we lose everything we ever stood for and join the corporate band. So much for indie!

I guess it has already happened with people like Philip Green paying George Michael £5 million to play a party for him but that really sucks. I don't begrudge GM for taking the dosh - who wouldn't so long as he keeps on playing shows for us poor peasants.

My advice:

Keep on fighting because sooner or later Live Nation are going to make this play and we are all going to have to revalue our services and that will be a show worth watching.

Tot Ziens - for those of you who speak Dutch ( I have no idea what it is in Lithuanian so that will have to do for now)

Wine, women and song

Berlin is bloody nice place. Cold and windy but really well worth a visit.
You can get your passport stamped at Checkpoint Charlie and drink huge steins of weissbier around the clock in salubrious bars with unpronounceable names. If the fancy takes you there are Trabants on sale ( the car on Achtung Baby cover) for about $3000 US. There are women, men and lord knows what else available to the discerning traveller and all in all its a highly invigorating city.

I saw posters for all sorts of bands who were passing through: Snow Patrol were one and another was BLACK UHURU - a band I haven't heard of in about 20 years! Cutting edge excellent reggae. I rate tham much higher than Misty in Roots but thats a another shaggy John Peel story.

A few days here and I am almost back in the world again.

The trouble though with Northern Europe is that it's cold and Windy for 6 months of the year. It makes me really pine for the fjords of New Zealand in summer.

Which reminds me, Greg has a complitation album coming out soon which you get free with bottles of Kim Crawford Wines in the USA.

How good is that? Get nicely mellow on wine and warbles.

You see that's a nice little tie in with a company that understands how life really is. You work hard all day and when it somes to down time you really need to relax in company with friends and chill out sometimes. No need to think about what to put on the stereo. It's all done for you.

I really like this plan because it means we aren't trying too hard to be "imaginative" and that makes a big change.

Easy.

Achtung International

Guten morgan,

I have been granted a few days dispensation by the gnomes so I have come over here to Berlin to catch up on the cricket world cup and Eurovision.

Flying in to the old East german airport - which is now a bunch of sheds along the coldest airfield in the world - was a bit odd. The last time I was here I was a student and damn nearly got to spend my vacation in Spandau ( I know thats in the West but I can't remember the name of the Eastern prison). Anyway, I don't recommend that place one bit. It's a real dump, especially after Zurich and its starched linen everything.

In many ways it's rather heartening to be here in the old east. I rode along in the cab just looking. Seeing bits of wall and old buildings that used to house the Ministry of music and other stuff like that. I finally dragged up at my hotel - THE AROCTEL - in case you were wondering - expecting austere communist decay and instead got a boutique with hand made carpets with pictures of Brecht and Marlene Dietrich and all those other German pop icons. Its really cool. Miles better than a Four Seasons, stock box. The hotel is in the old East and from the window you can see the massive telecom tower that used to represent the gravestone of thousands of dead escapees. The synagogue that was the target on Krystal Nacht is just down the street. This is a really heavy place in history. Just by the front door is the S Bahn and tram lines that used to symbolise the ppossibility of escape and the daily charade of hope and dread (dependent upon which side of the old wall you lived on).

I have also discovered the best Thai restaurant in the world opposite the tube station - I kid you not it is amazing! Look for the christmas lights.

Back to matters more musical -From here the pursuit of European domination was launched and it was here that it perished. And that is what makes Eurovision so brilliant.

I guess most Americans won't have heard of Eurovision so let me explain. It is a pan continental competion that takes in every country from Israel - Europe??? to Finland and Iceland and from Ireland to Moldova.

Which neatly reminds me if you know aything about cricket did you see Ireland and bangladesh last night? Two minnows of the game hammered India and Pakistan on Paddys Day. There is hope for all of us if that can happen!

Anyway, Eurovision is an excuse for all the gays. transexuals and frustrated cabaret singers on an entire continent to sing away in front of millions of like minded people. ABBA started here.

It has been won by an Isreali transexual in the past and last year was won by LORDI a Finish band that never reveal who they are and instead dress as monsters from hell who hapen to lay hard rock. They drew th biggest EVER crowd in Helsinki last year with 90 000 people. So as you can see it's a big deal. It is also not open to Americans and that changes the entire perspective of the competition.

Isreal has a band that want to "PUSH THE BUTTON" this year as a dig at the Iranians - ironic really as the only ones who ever get shot are Arabs. The UK rejected hip hop act Big Brotaz and elected a group called Smoosch who are as camp as a row of tents and as for Holland......!

Now despite the fun of Eurovision there is one thing that never fails and that is the voting. You can see geo-political arguments every year when it comes to votes. Greece will always gove Cyprus 10 points. Cyprus gives Greece 10 points. Germany always votes for Isreal and Israel always igonores Germany. France will never vote for anyone who has a hope of winning unless its Belgium and everyone else is so pissed they can't remember who to vote for so they vote for Ireland.

Thats why Eire has won it about 40 times and is in danger of going bankrupt because believe me when I say that a donkey with a sore throat is better than half of the acts in the comp. Ireland can't produce a bad singer even if they resort to tonsilectomy so they keep on winning.

I really hope this year that Europe does what it always does and flips out as soon as the temperature goes over 10c and votes for the chick from Malta. I haven't heard here but apparently she has tried and failed to get in 11 times before and when you think that there are only 14 people from Malta who enter every year she has got to be pretty bad. But she is persistent and she will enjoy the week in Finland more than any other man alive (woman). So when the time comes VOTE MALTA! Reward Endeavour and get this girl to the top of the charts in 30 countries. God knows she has got to be better than some who have made it already!

The reason I am here is to do a deal with a contact from East of the Bosphorous. We need to get into Russian and the old soviet block, so I met up with a guy who was the Turkish entrant in 1994 outside his club, the Artemis. Nice place and very original use of toweling - more on that another day. Suffice to say this guy gets whatever he wants and has a metod of doing business that is rather like that other Turkish emperor Ahmet Ehretegun RIP. His favourite triack was to bring two gilrls with him to a meeting and then use them to distract you from the deal just enough for him to come out as a winner. He would then leave and take the girls with him leaving a trail of destruction, legends and moist tissues in his wake.

BEWARE A TURK BEARING GIFTS!!

The old sinsister intrigue of the cold war is alive and well and living in Berlin. So is Electro so get over here if you play that stuff.

TCHUSE

SWITCH OFF THE IPOD

After alll this time in solitude I have suddenly realised something really potent about the business I am in.
Portable music is destroying our lives!

You see it's quite a thing to switch of the TV and Ipod for a while and just go into the world "naked".

I bined my ipod about 2 years ago because I was going deaf from trying to drown out the background noise. I think I made a wise decision. It has taken me all this time to re-aclimatise to what reality actually sounds like. Electronic noise had become a sort of tinitus that swamped me from the moment I woke to the moment I slept.

Suddenly though, it is as if the gunk that was filling my ears has been syringed out and I can hear again.

I have to say it is amazing.

I can hear music in the way I never did before. There is melody in the milkfloats; harmony in the hum drum and tunes in the tuna melt.

Maybe we should ban Ipods and Mp3 players altogther.

If we did we might have chance to catch our breath and actually listen instead of just absorb.

Music is not a disposable commodity like toilet paper, it is an etethereal and magical spell that makes life a little bit better, like chocolate.

Why don't we value it more?

Global Warning

Biased and one sided reporting makes my blood boil but more important is that it always comes from the same sources, controlled by a cabal of reactionary psycho's who out compete each other in their attempts to stupify the entire planet by telling us crap.

Elton and the hand of God

Hipsters, flisters and finger poppin' daddies (as the great John Cooper Clarke one said) I bring you another sad tale today as I regress to the 1970's references that scatter the landscape of my tiny memory.

From high in my Swiss tax haven Julie Andrews has stopped warbling and instead I hear that some religious nut jobs have crawled out of the slime again and tried to evolve by trying to ban Elton John (Reg to his friends) from singing in the Caribbean.

How can they? I mean he is one of Britains greatest exports (thank fuck he lives in Vegas now!)

This is the guy that gave you a song to mourn for Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana - two of the worlds most famously heterosexual women. Marilyn shagged the President and Diana humped the King. Then they both ran off with some shady foreign guys and ended up dead. (And you wonder how the Godfather got written!)

Only a queen like Elton could have written for a Princess after all. He was perfectly placed to know what would set the 24 carat, ermine encrusted tears flowing. Do you seriously think that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers could have done that?

Why are these fundamentalist christian loonies kicking up a stink about the queen of pop?

Because he is gay.

Not sure I understand that one but then there are lots of things I don't understand. Leaves more totty for us real men doesn't it?

What's the problem Vicar?

Seems to me like the religious right have been trying to keep themselves relevent by yelling and hollering since rhythmn and blues escaped from the slave quarters into the massas' house.

Is this seccession or sedition I ask?

"Shout JUDAS! Loud and they'll hear us!" (Supertramp 1970 something)

Well the nazi's are shouting again and I can hear them from here and I wish they would shut up and carry on talking shit and thinking its the voices of angels. (Otherwise know as speaking in toungues - what cobblers cobber.)

Isn't it true that John Lennon was in deep do do for saying the Beatles were bigger than Christ and Elvis was the spawn of satan because of his pneumatic hips? Didn't Robert Johnson sell his soul to the devil and didn't the Rolling Stones make a pact with Beelzebub before they crafted Sticky Fingers?

Don't some people have better things to do than worry about a middle aged bald guy with a shopping habit and bad dress sense?

I suppose not.

I mean it beggars belief that this is a reason for protest when other, slightly more important stuff is happening.

Let's take for example the state of radio, TV, and other mass media ownership for example.
Or maybe Gitmo
Or The murder of allies by US soldiers who are exhonerated after all the evidence shows guilt
Or video games designed to show how to kill everyone
Or post office service
Or the collapse of sub-prime lending
Or the state of my laundry basket
Or Pornography not being freely available in church
Or global warming
Or President Bush and the case of the missing brain
Or Scooter Liby doing time for crimes his boss committed
Or Trident
Or the incredible apathy of Americans
Or the dispensation for war crimes that Israel seems to have
Or the real reason that Iraq was invaded
Or Roswell
Or Tiger Woods being black
Or Martina being a rug muncher
Or any other crass and stupid thing that you can think of

The list is endless. But this is what they give us. Elton John will corrupt your children.

If that's true, as a parent of 2, frankly I fucking hope so!

A less threatening an undeserved target for attack has never been presented. The guy likes guys. SO WHAT!

If the religious right knew what carnage they had caused across the globe on crusades in search of their invisible promised land maybe they might think twice about saying or doing anything apart from wiping the rool of their shirts on Sunday.

They are as guilty as Stalin of Genocide and of Perversion as Rasputin. They just haven't got the balls to stand up and say it.

So come on you God fearing wankers come and have a go at me. Have a bash at my music and I will love you for it. Because Jesus is love. (Actually he was Jewish but thats another story). It can only do me good to forgive you. You biggoted ignorant smeg heads! So bring it on.

Oh and the publicity will hopefully sell enough records to pay for a damn fine party in Birmingham AL.

If you do protest and call me names like the big girls blouses you are I will have won and if you say nothing you are weasels and deserve the wrath of Allah - the man who runs the tyre dept in Wisconsin. He gets real mad sometimes!

I intend to sue you all and invite every queer, black, commie, anti-christ, anarchist to indulge in masses of debauched orgies in the grounds of your church.

I won't be there. I will be in Zurich polishing my gnomes

(This was a guide to making sure you get publicity by niche targeting your enemy and thus engaging and entertaining a target audience. I hope you understand the principles involved.)

Nos sta bach

It's all about the money honey

Faced with another night alone in this luxury Swiss "retreat" with its specially made vulcanised wallpaper, I tuned into ITN news last nighton the ol' puter.

Guess who is still stuck up on a ledge on the fucking Eiger with a TV camera and no fingers to switch it off? You guessed it the mighty RAN Defenestration!

This dick wad is hanging about and getting in the way of real news again. Tonight he has persuaded some public school brain death to follow his progress by hiring a helicopter to film him in a precarious state half way up a mountain.
Last night they were at DEATH BIVOUACK. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Is that any place for a sane person to spend the night?
I dearly hope that the bugger falls off that hill and bangs his head on the way down. At least that will mean we only have a day of misery - like when Sharon didn't quite die - and then we can get on with more useful things.

Anyway I though rather than blatter on about him I had better show you what happens when an athletic, artistocratic man with a the brain power of a lemming is let loose on the unsuspecting world.

Now, I guess you are asking what the hell is he on about this for? Well, let me tell you. People like Ran are in charge of the world. Idiots with more money than sense (not hard in this case). They are born lucky and get to spend their days wasting time on pointless activities like Polo, Lacrosse, Rugby, climbing mountains and making investments in things they don't understand.

Imagine if you will, that you have a billion dollars. What are you going to do?

OPTIONS ARE:

1 Playboy lifestyle,
2 MONASTERY
3 Quiet life out of the public eye
4 Newspaper columnist
5 Sportsman
6 Property developer
7 Author
8 Antique dealer
9 Restorer of old cars
10 Cunt

RESULTS

Most opt for a combination of 1, 6, 8 and 10

If they have testosterone aplenty and IQ points a lackin' they will inevitably opt for 5 and 6. That's why all buildings in the old world since 1940 have been built by committees of dullards with no more skill than the guys who are shovelling the yoghurt down my throat every hour.

Some, tried option 1 - found out they were shit, selfish lovers and in all likelyhood perverts and so reverted to option 7 and 8.

Which leaves us with the successful failures like Ran. Famed for being daft.

Old money does not "do" creative things unless it involves Nanny and a wetsuit. Old Money is only involved in keeping old money in old families. Think of it like this;

If you are Roman Abramovich you can give your ex-wife $1Billion and still have $10 billion spare to goa n do interesting things with like run a football team or build the worlds biggest yacht. If your name is Gates or Buffett you can increase the GDP of African nations by writing a cheque and save millions of lives. But, if you are "old money" you are under strict instructions to keep every last penny in your own clammy hands until your death, aged 102, by preventing anyone doing anything innovative and new.

In England they say that is being "preserved in aspic."
In Switzerland they say ... nothing and just take the cash.

Now then, here is why this makes musical difference.

Old money marries new money. New money becomes old and settles into jello senility.
(I give you "THE DAILY TELEGRAPH".)

Your TV , press and radio is run entirely by old money. (Myspace has been bought by old money Murdoch).

You listen to them every day in your car at work and on TV and it changes your perception of right and wrong.

You vote Tory, Republican, Liberal because it feels safe and they told you too. They will never remind you why it suits their own interests to run with the herd and put all your energy into consummerism.

Once in a while they have a feud and some new/old money upstart like Conrad Black takes it up the rump but, generally they are happy to hide their shame beneath a lambswool sack (UK readers may get that). (See Robert Maxwell - Hungarian Saint, or Ken Lay - my papered life in the arms of Princess Anne)

Then one day one of the old school chums doesn't like the look of someone -say this week it is the Chinese - because the bird at the Karaoke wouldn't let him play tonsil tennis with her and he hits a sell button on his Taiwanese computer whilst telling his mates to do the same.

Old money - which has never been used to do anything is safely locked up in bullion, property and stuff like that, but yours - which is in a pension or something, controlled by the mate; you know, his friend, the guy with a stately home in Berkshire, that one, yeah him, the same guy who just told his boys to sell - isn't. It is fucked.

New money, like ours, is lost before you even know about it and they make a few dollars for their efforts.

Now people have to sell to avoid bankruptcy.This means that old money is more valuable because it buys more.

It buys your house for buttons whilst you languish in a Motel 6 somewhere near Fresno. You spend 50 years paying off a debt they created and then wonder where your life went. Meanwhile Ran is up a hillside with a cozy toe sleeping bag and wall to wall adulation. His contribution to the world is zero but he will earn millions because you want to read about him to escape from your shitty life.

And because you are so tired and poor you will never play that gig that will make a difference and you won't be able to inform a generation of your brilliance and a dream will die.

Meanwhile on the radio James Blunt and Mika get A rotation and you are singing "Smile" as you wipe another geriatric arse and wonder where it all went wrong.

It went wrong baby when Momma got frisky and your old man got lucky.

Sweet Dreams

blog site

HACIENDA HOLA

Guided by the well hung cow that wanders past my room every evening I have been considering the state of the music world.

Since the nice men in white suits took me away from the debauchery and decrepitude of rock n roll I have had plenty of time to think. Sadlly, thanks to the herbal medication I haven't been able to use that time. Instead I have wasted the opportunity by sitting in alpine streams watching birds twitching like a diva about to go on stage.

Today however I am calm and considered. The effects of the mangold poultice are wearing off and there is hope in the brain of this demented author.

It struck me - as I observed a stork wafting past - that there are millions of different genres of music but we only ever consider one; The one we like. Believe it or not I like white mans indie rock and that is why the label has gravitated towards that particular style. That's why college radio and BBC are almost entirely composed of the same stuff. It's programmed by the same people from the same background with the same haircuts and the same attitudes.

Now whay should that interest you? SImply because if you can think different you may be able to break through in an entirely original way.

Let me explain. Here in the midle of Europe there are "cantons". These are areas that all have distinct identities and even languages. Did you know that there are French, German and Italian Swiss? They all get along togther and have one identity outside their country - SWISS.

Now, in music there are all the genre's - Urban, Rock, Country etc and the occassional crossover but generally you are what you are and that's that.

It strikes me that perhaps its possible to look at breaking that mould and setting up a new method of working.

Imagine recording in French for example and getting a big followig in Canada and France before you even think about London , New York or Sydney. Imagine trying to be the first band from Dubbo or Dublin that sings in Cantonese or that uses a weir instrument like an oud in a pop song.

It has been done before with massive success - eg Beatles and Ravi Shankar, Christie Moore and Planksty, Madonna and talent. Combine the unusual elements and find a new blend.

It can work. There is even a chef in the UK who cooks snail porridge and is a big star - YEUUUCH!

For those of you interested in working in America why haven't you thought about the Hispanic market? I know they don't get big headlines in the mags but something like 40% of America speaks spanish not English. Thats huge! It is not something to ignore. Then there is Korea, India, China, Indonesia and many many more.

There are the odd successful foreign acts - gloria estefan and Los Lobos perhaps but not many. Make the journey and you will be famous.

So in short if you want to make it don't think like the rest. Try to pin the tail on the donkey but look for a new adhesive!

Until later

Maldroid and the great mountainering monster

In England there is a famous explorer - Ranolph Fynnes - who is currently half way up the North face of the Eiger. The man is reknown for tramping across deserts and arctic tundra with nothing but a tootpick and a pair of Damart thermals for protection. He is the sort of guy that eats polar bears for breakfast and eskimo's for lunch.

A genuine throwback.

He is also a total twat!

Thanks to Sir Ran (as he likes to be known) there are corpses of young men scattered across the globe. Most of them were trying to help with some madcap escapade and got just got caught in the cross fire.

Promises of glory, fame and self achievement all amounted to nothing when the chips were down and Ran needed to run.

These days he makes a living from motivational speaking and from the accounts I have heard 80% of the men (it is always men) who hear him think that he is an icon and the other 20% think - like me - that he is a tit.

Which is worth thinking about for a minute. Why would there be such a discrepancy?

Well, it all comes down to experience.

You see, if you have been on one of his "trips" and got out alive you would no doubt have realised that Ran and his kind are ego manical toss pots who only do things for their own self gratification. Oh, of course there is the pretence that its all for science or to test mans endurance bollocks but really its all about having a collosal ego. Once you have breen bruised by that kind of obsession there is no way you want to go near it again.

Which brings me on to signing new bands.

You see the thing with finding new acts - or A&R as we oldies like to call it - is that you need to find acts just before the masses do. But at the same time they need to be "bubbling" and building a fan base.

The latest one to cross my path is Maldroid from San Francisco.

These guys popped up on my screen last year and we have been following them since. They have really worked the system well and have won you tube video competitions and have created a bit of a buzz around the bay and beyond.

So when I spoke to Ryan from the band at first a few months ago it all seemed great. I liked their work and wanted to release it for them with an eye to taking them on if things worked out well. I was quite excited about the prospect and I thought we could do something with them that would be productive and let's be honest lucrative.

Since then the massed ranks of A&R have found out about them too and now I hear from a birdie that in the line at sxsw they are one of the buzz bands of the festivities.

Now for us that's bad. It means a bidding war and there is no way we will get close to a band I really rate. For them its excellent and I wish them all the best but it also means the inevitable "Ran Ego" will be growing deep in the brain of at least one of them. Sooner or later someone will get their fingers burnt / frostbitten or gnawed off by beavers and that will be that.

The monster that is music has reared its ugly head and if it's like this now it will only get bigger and bolder as time goes on. Either they will emerge as monsters of rock themselves or they will be chewed up and spat out. Who knows?

Anyway, all that means that we aren't even going to try to compete. We can't offer what the others offer. There are no big cheques or groupies on draft. We aren't climbing the north face of the Eiger. We are sitting on a pretty terrace with a pot of herbal tea and a copy of the Times crossword as the sun sets over the Matterhorn.

I know where I would rather be right now.


How about you?

Austin - centre of chaos

Yodel aye eee whoooo!

Fresh from the museli and crunchy nut cornflake enema I sit (carefully) at my computer and sneer with distain at the carnage that is about to begin in Austin.

Actually I am begining to regret not going a bit but then you can't be mental and live in a rubber room when there is work to be done now can you?

I have just been informed of some of the stats for this years sxsw and it's insane.
Get this:
1536 acts will perform at the event this year.
Most of them will do 3 or more shows. (Thats over 3000 shows in 4 days!!!!)
The UK alone has 123 showcases
SXSW has trebled in size since 2001

With all that lot bashing away for a week you have to wonder where you start. (If you are Joe from our San Francisco office you snog the singer of Flaming lips - yeeuch!)

The thing is that the whole shebang was set up to showcase new acts to labels and other media so they had a chance of seeing what was good bad or indifferent in a few days. These days though it has become a frantic rush from one venue to another if you are in A&R or a good excuse to get hammered and see some old favorites if you aren't.

I will guarantee you that the best results from this week will not come from a show but from someone schmoozing at the 4 Seasons bar one wild night.

If my experience is anything to go on the only shows the "players" will attend will be at Stubbs or maybe Emo's on the first night and after that they will be in room 701 getting jiggy with a nice gal called Amber from the day- night agency in San Antonio. ($200 / hour plus expenses).



Have you seen who is making news before the event has even kicked off? The Stooges, Pete Townsend and David Byrne. Great artists but hardly unsigned raw talent are they?

It makes me fret when I know how hard people try to make an impact and the promises are all false. The most lucrative part of being there is as a sound tech or bar owner not as part of a wanna be band.

The excitment that once was sxsw is now just a corporate "fuck me over" disguised as a break through opportunity.

Until they get a grip and really get the event back to being for new and unknown bands it will be just another excuse for milking the indie cow until the udders bleed dry. Canadian Music Week is a much better bet these days and you don't need to check your guns at the door or wave the lone star flag to avoid getting killed on your way back East either.

It is such a pity that it has all gone corporate but you know how well informed and unprincipled "the man" is and if you invite him into your boudoir don't be surprised if he rips off your knickers and roots you on the floor. You were ASKING FOR IT now weren't you? (The Defense rests your Honour).

I told you - time and again in my fantastic new book - THE SOUND OF MONEY - but would you listen (or buy it even?) no no no! Why not - well because it's not published until summer but you can pre-order if you like (see I learnt a trick or two from my hours at the Hilton coffee shop).

If you feel disillusioned after sxsw and you haven't made that major breakthrough please feel free to join me at the ADOLF KLEPTINGER CLINIC, COMO, SWITZERLAND, EUROPE where we will be auditioning glockenspiel players on April 12th at 2pm. (Black Tie essential)

Auf Wiedersein

Ranchero

I had a look at my old posts and it seems I am always going on about being called dude.

I am told this has annoyed a lot of people - well a few people - well a hippy in San Fernando anyway - and my response is this...

SOD OFF AND STOP CALLING ME DUDE, HIPPY!



What can I say. I have resorted to abuse and that's terrible. But once in a while there is no other option.

I know I have mentioned rudeness before but road rudeness is just another aspect to our ever more stressful lives.
So now I am sitting here watching one of those gruesome TV shows about car crashes and dangerous driving and all that kind of thing. It is horrible to see what lunacy is out there on the roads. People die all the time but unexpected death is just awful and its even worse if it's because some idiot thinks he is driving a Nascar on the public highway (for those of us who aren't American this is Formula 1 without the skill or action) and it sort of brings me to the real point of this rant.

Why don't we take any account of how other people feel? Are we really that selfish? God, I hope not.

Surely being selfless or even sympathetic is the core value of music. It is what makes music connect with our heart and souls. Empathy for the devil you may say is actually what works. I mean why else would 90% of songs be about love? It is the universal signifier that we all understand.

In fact did you know that love is as essential as food? Without it we literally shrivel up and die. Sometimes abstract concepts are pretty powerful things you know. Like Mr Lennon said LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.

Now that's what I call a neatly squared circle because as you already know John was a total hippy. And that just goes to show - one hippy is a self obsessed wanker and the other is lives in San Fernando - JOKE!

(You already knew what I was going to say so I thought I would just see if you were paying attention.)

Rock N Roll Suicide

Howdy pop pickers,
well the air in the alps is mighty refreshing. Clanging cowbells and sweet ladies with loads of milk chocolate populate the alpine meadows. I can feel the restorative effects of the fells on my feelings fellows. Fancy that?

This is the life. Lots of wine and fondues under the shadows of the ever melting glaciers. There is not a single musician within a million meters of here - unless you include the idiots on the Matterhorn who keep tooting away on their alpine horns.

BLART BLART BLLOM they honk. Morning noon and night. It's like a nice night at the New York Bowery. Could be a new avenue for Eno to explore. Kindo like that album "UNder heavy manners" he did with David Byrne way back when. In case you never heard it you should. Its genius. It starts off with a track that lists isms. Nihilism, Totalitarianism, Tourism, etc and then it ends up with a great acapella lyric - I AM RESPLENDENT IN DIVERGENCE. (fade out).

Anyhow, the hilltop honkers (not unlike Australias own Hill top Hoods) are diabolically bad. So bad they are good in fact.

Maybe the medicine is getting to me after all.

Better get some air.

Now, how do I get to Mexico City from here. I miss the monoxide.

Relapse

Just as the heavy weight of responsibilty was lifting I recieve some terrible news. My dear friend TK has been suffering with cancer for the past 6 weeks and is really really sick.

That is a real blow.

T is some kind of music legend in the UK. He founded Cartel (which for those of you who don't know was one of the very first indie distributors anywhere) and Red Rhino. He has been all over the world following his love of music and I know he has made some bad decisions but some better ones and I for one think he is a solid, honest, top bloke.

No one deserves the kind of crap he is suffering right now. NO ONE. So if you do believe in God or some other deity take a second to think about how silly all the fighting and striving for fame really is and send some good vibes out to the sick and infirm today.

I hope it never happens to you or me but the chances are that it will. Question is, when it does will you be able to say that someone you knew through your work really rates you and misses you? If you can't change your life and do it now.

All the rest is just froth and bullshit.

GLOBALISATION

I just got this on an email

How excellent is this!

Finally, a definition of globalization

I can understand and to which

I can relate

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess

Diana's death.



Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with

an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French

tunnel, driving a

German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

a Canadian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese

chips, and a

Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian

lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

Swiss slumbers

SXSW kicks off again next week and like every year everyone in the industry is gearing up for a week of beer, boppig and blagging. Except me.
I have taken this year off - the cohorts are over there mixing it up with the indie scene kings but I just haven't got it in me this year.
Instead I have been to Zurich to deposit a massive amount of money stolen from bands who are now on food stamps in the mid west town of "yessum Jethro"

After the gnomes took my ill gotten gains into their tiny , but somehow perfectly sculpted vaults I went into the hinterland where I am now ensconced with a cup of Ovaltine. I have booked myself in for 6 months in a Swiss herbalist retreat where i am having intensive treatment for post release depression.
Every day the doctors prescribe herbs and bottles of fresh Madagascan air to help me recover from millions of air miles and only slightly fewer musicians.

It is heavenly.

The only music is the sound of thebirds and the occassional clank of the cow bells on the mountains. Berne is amazing this time of year.

No one has called me dude and the distant glitter of lights on the lake are a tonic for the soul.

This is what music has driven me too.

I may be back.
Then again I may not.

Its nice here in paradise.

You should try it sometime.
Stop worrying and trying so hard.
It will happen if it happens.
If it doesn't so what. have an egg nog and go to bed.

Things will look better in the morning.

NO MORE DEMOS PLEASE

Thats it.
No more demo's please until further notice.
No Mp3's or website referals or anything.
Thank you