Hipsters, flisters and finger poppin' daddies (as the great John Cooper Clarke one said) I bring you another sad tale today as I regress to the 1970's references that scatter the landscape of my tiny memory.
From high in my Swiss tax haven Julie Andrews has stopped warbling and instead I hear that some religious nut jobs have crawled out of the slime again and tried to evolve by trying to ban Elton John (Reg to his friends) from singing in the Caribbean.
How can they? I mean he is one of Britains greatest exports (thank fuck he lives in Vegas now!)
This is the guy that gave you a song to mourn for Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana - two of the worlds most famously heterosexual women. Marilyn shagged the President and Diana humped the King. Then they both ran off with some shady foreign guys and ended up dead. (And you wonder how the Godfather got written!)
Only a queen like Elton could have written for a Princess after all. He was perfectly placed to know what would set the 24 carat, ermine encrusted tears flowing. Do you seriously think that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers could have done that?
Why are these fundamentalist christian loonies kicking up a stink about the queen of pop?
Because he is gay.
Not sure I understand that one but then there are lots of things I don't understand. Leaves more totty for us real men doesn't it?
What's the problem Vicar?
Seems to me like the religious right have been trying to keep themselves relevent by yelling and hollering since rhythmn and blues escaped from the slave quarters into the massas' house.
Is this seccession or sedition I ask?
"Shout JUDAS! Loud and they'll hear us!" (Supertramp 1970 something)
Well the nazi's are shouting again and I can hear them from here and I wish they would shut up and carry on talking shit and thinking its the voices of angels. (Otherwise know as speaking in toungues - what cobblers cobber.)
Isn't it true that John Lennon was in deep do do for saying the Beatles were bigger than Christ and Elvis was the spawn of satan because of his pneumatic hips? Didn't Robert Johnson sell his soul to the devil and didn't the Rolling Stones make a pact with Beelzebub before they crafted Sticky Fingers?
Don't some people have better things to do than worry about a middle aged bald guy with a shopping habit and bad dress sense?
I suppose not.
I mean it beggars belief that this is a reason for protest when other, slightly more important stuff is happening.
Let's take for example the state of radio, TV, and other mass media ownership for example.
Or maybe Gitmo
Or The murder of allies by US soldiers who are exhonerated after all the evidence shows guilt
Or video games designed to show how to kill everyone
Or post office service
Or the collapse of sub-prime lending
Or the state of my laundry basket
Or Pornography not being freely available in church
Or global warming
Or President Bush and the case of the missing brain
Or Scooter Liby doing time for crimes his boss committed
Or Trident
Or the incredible apathy of Americans
Or the dispensation for war crimes that Israel seems to have
Or the real reason that Iraq was invaded
Or Roswell
Or Tiger Woods being black
Or Martina being a rug muncher
Or any other crass and stupid thing that you can think of
The list is endless. But this is what they give us. Elton John will corrupt your children.
If that's true, as a parent of 2, frankly I fucking hope so!
A less threatening an undeserved target for attack has never been presented. The guy likes guys. SO WHAT!
If the religious right knew what carnage they had caused across the globe on crusades in search of their invisible promised land maybe they might think twice about saying or doing anything apart from wiping the rool of their shirts on Sunday.
They are as guilty as Stalin of Genocide and of Perversion as Rasputin. They just haven't got the balls to stand up and say it.
So come on you God fearing wankers come and have a go at me. Have a bash at my music and I will love you for it. Because Jesus is love. (Actually he was Jewish but thats another story). It can only do me good to forgive you. You biggoted ignorant smeg heads! So bring it on.
Oh and the publicity will hopefully sell enough records to pay for a damn fine party in Birmingham AL.
If you do protest and call me names like the big girls blouses you are I will have won and if you say nothing you are weasels and deserve the wrath of Allah - the man who runs the tyre dept in Wisconsin. He gets real mad sometimes!
I intend to sue you all and invite every queer, black, commie, anti-christ, anarchist to indulge in masses of debauched orgies in the grounds of your church.
I won't be there. I will be in Zurich polishing my gnomes
(This was a guide to making sure you get publicity by niche targeting your enemy and thus engaging and entertaining a target audience. I hope you understand the principles involved.)
Nos sta bach
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