SHIT KICKERS TO NO KNICKERS

Ah, Dear Reader,
today I bring you a tale of such cultural divides that it has left me glassy eyed and rolling on the floors with raucous laughter.

What a simple tale of grace versus feral laviciousness.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa, an operatic Diva of a Maori persuassion, was recruited by Australian music company, LEADING EDGE, to perform a concert with the local talent - JOHN FARNHAM.

John Farnham is famous almost nowhere else but Australia. He is the epitomy of the Aussie "larrikin". In other words he is a fat balding, wealthy man who does not have much talent but who knows how to live up to the iconic symbols of Aus. by being surrounded by "mates" like the Prime Minister and financiers who own vinyards. TRUE BLUE.

GAG FROM THE OLD FOLKS HOME:
What's an Australians' favourite chat up line?
Brace yourself Sheila!

Dame Kiri decided - after spending $128 000 on a helicopter flight- that she simply couldn't do the show with Mr Farnham and so the promoters were forced to go out into the big wide world and recruit another artist. TOM "Didn't I sleep with your Mum in '63" Jones.

It is not unusualy for Diva's to get into a bit of a wobbly state and cancel shows but this was a bit different. Kiri was sued for non performance for $2 million. They court was convened and all the leading barristers gathered in their bewigged finery and argued the case with all the rigour of Rumpole and the guy from CSI. To and fro went the battle, like a veritable feeding frenzy until finally the judge asked Dame Kiri why she had pulled out of the show with the farm boys.


"I was concerned about the underwear being thrown at him, and him collecting it and holding it in his hands" she told Mr Justice of the Australian Supreme Court. At which point he no doubt called a recess and went into his chambers for a quick hand shandy and a bottle of rum.

Don't you just love the idea of a Dame who is used to singing in front of audiences consiting mostly of the living dead being revolted by kinickers thrown by a horde of menopausal shit kickers from the bush? I mean how clean can you get? I will guarantee you that every single pair has been washed and ironed and placed carefully in handbag before the show.

They probably have John Farnham knicker throwing displays at the local fairs in Dubbo and Eumundi. And I will also stake money on the fact that the chances of catching anything remotely contagious from them is infinitesimaly small.

But the Judge - being of sound body and rather unstable mind ruled in favour of Dame Kiri and her classless devotion to truth, justice and the puritan way.

Poor old Jonnie Farnham made his money and so did Tom Jones and I bet that all the randy ladies from the outback never gave the tame Dame another seconds thought.

I hope for their sake that having spent $300 on a ticket at least the blubbering mountain of flab that is Jonnie got them moist. He is the outbacks answer to female Viagra after all. I bet Dame Kiri is regretting not having a bash at that before she sings her last Aria. I know I would.


Kia Ora