Achtung International

Guten morgan,

I have been granted a few days dispensation by the gnomes so I have come over here to Berlin to catch up on the cricket world cup and Eurovision.

Flying in to the old East german airport - which is now a bunch of sheds along the coldest airfield in the world - was a bit odd. The last time I was here I was a student and damn nearly got to spend my vacation in Spandau ( I know thats in the West but I can't remember the name of the Eastern prison). Anyway, I don't recommend that place one bit. It's a real dump, especially after Zurich and its starched linen everything.

In many ways it's rather heartening to be here in the old east. I rode along in the cab just looking. Seeing bits of wall and old buildings that used to house the Ministry of music and other stuff like that. I finally dragged up at my hotel - THE AROCTEL - in case you were wondering - expecting austere communist decay and instead got a boutique with hand made carpets with pictures of Brecht and Marlene Dietrich and all those other German pop icons. Its really cool. Miles better than a Four Seasons, stock box. The hotel is in the old East and from the window you can see the massive telecom tower that used to represent the gravestone of thousands of dead escapees. The synagogue that was the target on Krystal Nacht is just down the street. This is a really heavy place in history. Just by the front door is the S Bahn and tram lines that used to symbolise the ppossibility of escape and the daily charade of hope and dread (dependent upon which side of the old wall you lived on).

I have also discovered the best Thai restaurant in the world opposite the tube station - I kid you not it is amazing! Look for the christmas lights.

Back to matters more musical -From here the pursuit of European domination was launched and it was here that it perished. And that is what makes Eurovision so brilliant.

I guess most Americans won't have heard of Eurovision so let me explain. It is a pan continental competion that takes in every country from Israel - Europe??? to Finland and Iceland and from Ireland to Moldova.

Which neatly reminds me if you know aything about cricket did you see Ireland and bangladesh last night? Two minnows of the game hammered India and Pakistan on Paddys Day. There is hope for all of us if that can happen!

Anyway, Eurovision is an excuse for all the gays. transexuals and frustrated cabaret singers on an entire continent to sing away in front of millions of like minded people. ABBA started here.

It has been won by an Isreali transexual in the past and last year was won by LORDI a Finish band that never reveal who they are and instead dress as monsters from hell who hapen to lay hard rock. They drew th biggest EVER crowd in Helsinki last year with 90 000 people. So as you can see it's a big deal. It is also not open to Americans and that changes the entire perspective of the competition.

Isreal has a band that want to "PUSH THE BUTTON" this year as a dig at the Iranians - ironic really as the only ones who ever get shot are Arabs. The UK rejected hip hop act Big Brotaz and elected a group called Smoosch who are as camp as a row of tents and as for Holland......!

Now despite the fun of Eurovision there is one thing that never fails and that is the voting. You can see geo-political arguments every year when it comes to votes. Greece will always gove Cyprus 10 points. Cyprus gives Greece 10 points. Germany always votes for Isreal and Israel always igonores Germany. France will never vote for anyone who has a hope of winning unless its Belgium and everyone else is so pissed they can't remember who to vote for so they vote for Ireland.

Thats why Eire has won it about 40 times and is in danger of going bankrupt because believe me when I say that a donkey with a sore throat is better than half of the acts in the comp. Ireland can't produce a bad singer even if they resort to tonsilectomy so they keep on winning.

I really hope this year that Europe does what it always does and flips out as soon as the temperature goes over 10c and votes for the chick from Malta. I haven't heard here but apparently she has tried and failed to get in 11 times before and when you think that there are only 14 people from Malta who enter every year she has got to be pretty bad. But she is persistent and she will enjoy the week in Finland more than any other man alive (woman). So when the time comes VOTE MALTA! Reward Endeavour and get this girl to the top of the charts in 30 countries. God knows she has got to be better than some who have made it already!

The reason I am here is to do a deal with a contact from East of the Bosphorous. We need to get into Russian and the old soviet block, so I met up with a guy who was the Turkish entrant in 1994 outside his club, the Artemis. Nice place and very original use of toweling - more on that another day. Suffice to say this guy gets whatever he wants and has a metod of doing business that is rather like that other Turkish emperor Ahmet Ehretegun RIP. His favourite triack was to bring two gilrls with him to a meeting and then use them to distract you from the deal just enough for him to come out as a winner. He would then leave and take the girls with him leaving a trail of destruction, legends and moist tissues in his wake.

BEWARE A TURK BEARING GIFTS!!

The old sinsister intrigue of the cold war is alive and well and living in Berlin. So is Electro so get over here if you play that stuff.

TCHUSE